Ramblings of a Rose

I bid you adieu..

2010-06-22T22:42:00.001+08:00

How apt that today of all the day, I found an entry, a final entry in my diary which I started when I was in my teens. It was how we first met. I'm putting it in this blog so that it wont be lost. There was no date. Just an entry in pencil.

" You were my mistake. Yet I cannot put you out of my mind. We met in the middle of a crowded flea market. I was going through the trinkets and I felt someone looking at me. I looked up and our eyes met and I thought, he's cute. That is one stall I will stop by.

I walked on and there you were having conversation with well..my other half. Trying not to be obvious and not to arouse any suspicion, I walked on. My heart was thumping wildly and I just cant figure out why. The fact that I was being really naughty. It was all supposed to be playful and harmless. It was a hot day but I was feeling super giddy with cold sweats on my forehead. I had no idea that the day would forever change me.

I went back in a circle until I came back to your stall and there was my other half puffing his cigar away. I tried my best to avoid your eyes but the moment you said hi and the conversation turned to you, our eyes were like stuck to each other. I can feel him looking and observing us. I can feel how inappropriate it was. But never in my life I felt like glued and I just cant take my eyes away. I knew I was grinning like an idiot and for that brief moment, it is as if the sounds just died away and there was just us. Up till today I still cant remember what exactly you were saying. It was as if you were speaking some foreign language. Nothing seems to matters and it was just us.
Something just clicked that day.

I wanted to take your business cards which were laid on the table but thought otherwise. U were constantly at the back of my mind that a few days later I went through his cards and found yours. The name was a bit classical so I thought to myself if it turns out to be the boss, I'd just hang up.

He picked up. I tried to jog his memory by saying I was at the flea market thinking that he'll never remember me. For God's sake it was a weekend flea market and it was a big crowd. So it was a big surprise when he said, I remember you. You came with a guy and you were cute.

Cute!! Haah! It was a sweaty and hot day and I think my brooch was stuck to my left cheek! This guy sure has problem with his eyesight. we chatted and he sounded young and chirpy. Laidback, hip hop and a bit reckless. Then he said, hey I dont want to cause any trouble. We can be friends but its risky.

Well, since when has the word risky stopped me from doing anything dumb.

The next thing I know, he picked me up in the wee hours of the morning and I realised for the first time that he is absolutely BALD! He wore a cap that day and I did not realise that he is actually bald, but completely HOT. He took me to Ampang, near my uncle's place for a drink and I was thinking gosh if I'm spotted, I'm so dead.

Later,when he dropped me home, I invited him in. God knows what I was thinking!! Dunno what why, my head was a bit messed up and he is a complete stranger and I invited him in! He came in and said, Nice dig you have here. It was awkward and we were both uncomfortable. And there was my wedding pic staring at both of us. Stark reminder of my reality. Plus things did not help that I was mumbling under my breathe , " I cant believe I actually invited you in". He fidgeted for a while and asked to leave. He gave me a wink at the door and all I could think of was Damn he's SUPER HOT!

Later he texted me, "U have no idea how badly I wanted to stay." That text left me breathless.

On our third meeting, he surprised me with THE kiss. That was only the beginning. It was the hottest, intense and damning kiss ever. I went home and gulped the apple juice in the fridge from the box wishing that it was something stronger. The rest I cant put in black and white cuz it is too damning. I regret it with all my heart.

But I'm not 17 anymore. Yet, he made me feel like one. Like he said, we have no future. I would date you If I had known you earlier. Dont you regret saying yes so early?

I do wonder, but I'm not that naive anymore. In my reality, it had no future even from the very beginning. It was waay off course. Although the sparks nd chemistry was absolutely unforgettable. But it is over now. My heart still bleeds but I'm stronger now. I know it was never meant to be."

That person who wrote that was stronger than the person writing this today. 5 years later, I'm still bleeding. And today I sent him this text.

Deareast Jeez, u were my biggest mistake. But how can I regret the stolen kisses in the car or that hot rainy night at the house. I wanna play along and pretend that I dont care and I can do this again. It might have meant nothing to you but not to me. I thought I can make luv to you one last time and say that it is just sex but I'm just not built to fuck without feelings. I miss those kisses and I always will. Be good cuz you were a great guy then. You were always gentle with me. You will always have a special place in my heart. Take care.

How ironic that 5 years later, I started both lines with the same sentence.

I love u. I always will.

2010-06-19T23:36:00.000+08:00

He says he loves me.
He says that no matter what he will be here with me.
He says that no matter what my shortcomings he will love me the same.
He says nothing else matters as long as we are together.
He says that I am his strength and he forgave me for whatever I have done.
I promised to God that I will obey and love this man forever.
Our soul are binded and God is our witness.

Then how come my heart still longs for another. How come my heart still cracks at the thought of another. Then how come I just cant seem to move on. How come he rules my breath? How in the world did it come to this? Why cant I love the man that loves me unconditionally? Why cant I just embrace the safer choice? Why do I crave the pain?

I feel as if my heart is bleeding. I feel as if I touch and there is blood all over me. Blood of pain and suffering and most of all blood of guilt. I cannot stop the tears thathas been flowing freely these days. The mere thought stings. The mere vision halts my breathing. I thought with time, things will heal. So far it has gotten worse by the day. I want to embrace the safer choice, yet I also want to run away from it. I want to run and find my pain. I want to keep on suffering. I rejoice at the fire that is scorching my very soul.

You are not worth this.
You are not worth me writing this blog.
You are not worth my my tears.
You are not worth this excruciating pain in my heart.
You are not worth my love.

We should never have met.
Because now, a part of my soul is gone.
Because now, my heart is empty.
I breathe and move but inside I am dead.
I am lifeless.
I walk on glasses.
And my visions blurs amid the memories and reality.

I will never be the same again.
Never.

The truth finally dawns..

2010-06-14T02:03:00.000+08:00

After coming to terms that you are gone for good...again, you come back. Saying Hi to me. Made my day and I played along as if nothing happened.

But it was too good to be true.

Today I saw your true colours. And again it broke me. I keep going around this circle over and over again. Am I some kind of masochist? Why I keep putting myself in line of fire. As if I enjoy the pain that I should have expected from the beginning.

I thought you came back because you still think of me. I thought you were fighting the urge to yet somehow, I held you back. I thought of all the fantasy stupid crappy romantic stuff. When in the end the truth was right before my eyes. I just failed to see it. Maybe I even refused to see it. But with your text today. Your refusal to open up and talk and your one track mind on your aim. I finally see where you are heading.

I cant do it. If I do it it is just to have the feel of you close to me again. To hear your heart beat against mine and to feel your breathe against mine. But I know, if I ever choose to cross that path again, this time the pain will kill me.

I will die when I look in your eyes and I see the emptiness.
I will die when I see how I have sacrificed my soul and stoop this low just for a person who has fail to see me as who I am.
I will die when I can feel that you just cant feel like how I'm feeling.
And most of all, I will die all over again when you walkout the door.

This is hard. But this time I really have to let go. This time it is done. I'm done.

I cant even describe how much I misses you..

2010-06-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

I heard this song over the radio. Suddenly the world is alive with all the songs I would like to forget. Suddenly when I was about to fall asleep, it was as if I can see your face bending down to me. It was as if I can actually feel your lips upon mine. It was so real that I found myself turning away. It was too painful to remember. I do not want to remember. I want to erase you from my brain. I seriously do. I went through this blog, it took me 4 bloody years for me to finally stop writing about you! 4 Years!! Hard to believe but then that is me alright. I held on as you let go..

Never told You
Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I never told you because I know that you know just by looking in my eyes. I never told you because I know it is pointless anyway. I never told you probably because I am afraid to hear your response to it...

Today is your birthday...

2010-05-30T23:03:00.000+08:00

I never thought it would be this bad. Always thought that I can handle it. Today it was so bad that I literally thought about slashing my wrist. Crazy.

Today I felt like dyin. Driving was a maze. The heat was crazy and the traffic was bad. But what was worse was the horrible pain in my heart.

I sent you "Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. Which one r u? Have a fabulous birthday!!"

It was a chirpy and happy message but you didnt even reply. My heart keep breaking as I sat and waited. Not even a thank u. Nothin.

I shouldnt have been surprised. I should have expected it. Actually I had. But when it really happened, I felt like jumping off a building.

What was I thinking? What was I waiting for? A miracle to change your heart?

Today I found myself saying to myself, there is only 2 things I badly wanted and you come to a close second. Crazy. That is crazy talking.

Again. It is all me. It is all my own doing.

My moment of madness...

2010-05-19T02:22:00.001+08:00

I am reading all my past postings again just to check the chronology of what happened in these past few weeks. It all started with a hunch. A pain at the pit of my tummy. A pain of loss. That "I miss you so badly I just wanna die feeling". It just came over and I opened this blog again to read. I was just reminiscing what happened and what I felt. Then I started writing down everything cuz suddenly I feel as if I can remember every little details. I wrote it down so I wont forget.

Then a few days later I saw you online. I have never seen you online before and it has been 5 years!! I wrote you that piece and you were happy that I replied. It seems that you have been trying to make contact. Then you gave me your number and I had to steel myself everytime I see you online cuz I was afraid that I would topple.When I saw that avatar with the beating heart I know that you have certainly moved on and it broke me. However, I tried my best to keep my chin up and hold it in until I called Eve and broke down. Later,my days were filled, and I was really busy and somehow I managed to keep myself Occupied.

Then you replied and sent cute messages through YM and I found myself smiling again. I thought that maybe this time would be different and maybe we can be just friends. So when everything calmed down I went looking for you. We had our first phone conversation and chatted and all along you just wanna know whether I'm still married. When I said that I am, you started to change. You made hurtful stinging remarks about wanting to meet up for sex and all that. "For sex y not? But not for romance after all you are still married." When I said " It didnt stop you before and you said "I was younger then" I sensed such bitterness when you said it. It was as if you really hated me. Then you were gone. Again. I am left in a mess.

Now everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart. Everyday I stare at the walls and wonder what I said wrong. I was still keeling from the shock that after all these years, you came back. I am just not ready to let you go but you are gone. They said you are being a gentleman because you are not taking advantage of my moment of weakness. They said it is because cold turkey is the only way to go. They said it is for the best. They said he is doing this because he is feeling used. That in whatever way he is at the losing end while I am always winning. They said he is doing this because he probably cares...

What have I done Is? I am broken without you. If I broke you too then I am sorry. I am sorry for making this madness a reality. I am sorry that we met. I am sorry for this moment of madness. I wish to have a room somewhere in the corner of your heart. That is all I wish for. I am sorry for eveything. I truly am.

I'm missing you again...

2010-05-18T11:29:00.000+08:00

I miss the way you can turn me on just by undressing me with your eyes.I miss sitting on your lap. I miss the hot kisses in the car. I miss having your hands all over me. I miss the way you love to grab my butt. I miss hearing you whisper and breathing in my ear. I miss feeling your naked skin against mine. I miss having your mouth all over my body. I miss getting all hot and wet just by the flick of your fingers. I miss having your tongue lick me in places I don’t even know existed. I miss the way we move our hips together. I miss your mouth against my breasts, sucking me and making me lose my mind. I miss having you fill me up. I miss you moving inside of me. I miss you making me cum. I miss losing control with you. I’m not me when I’m with you. It’s like I’m not me.

I cant, I would and I should but I just couldn't...

2010-05-16T00:15:00.000+08:00

I want to say that it was meaningless. That it was just at the heat of the moment. That my heart was not involved. That it was just infatuation. That I was pressured at the moment. That I was messed up and the circumstances drove me to do it.

But I do remember the time when I watched you while you sleep. I remember running my fingers lightly over your lips and your chest. Thinking of how beautiful you were in my eyes. I remember opening my eyes and saying I love you quietly in my heart. Knowing at that moment I was falling hard. Knowing and being fully aware that it is not the crazies talking but its my heart.

How can I do all that without falling. How can I let you kiss and touch me without developing any feelings whatsoever. How can I look into your eyes again and not let my feelings show. How can I see you with her and not have my heart break into little pieces. How can I not be with you and withhold this feeling of being ripped apart. How can I be with you and not love you. How can I...??

Why do you have to come back?

2010-05-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

I need you to know that u cant just come and messed me up and go again.

I have picked up all the pieces and glued myself together. I dont need this now and I cant take it now. You make me think of my past which was so painful and broken that I wish it never happened in the first place.

You came, you conquered and you left.

I was a mess and I cant breathe when u left. But I got well. I moved on or so I thought. Until you came back again. Now my days and nights are filled with my memories of us together. You hoped so much that I left him. But u left me to die. I thought you will never come back so I moved on...or so I thought. I cannot deal with this. I cannot deal with the confusion and guilt. I am torn between doing the right thing and to follow my heart. I wanna see you. I wanna breathe you again. I hate you for coming back. I hate you for making me melt again. I hate you for making me shiver whenever I see a tall bald guy pass by.

Tonight went out with girls and passed a group of men at the table. One of them was bald and wearing a striped shirt. I froze and thank god I was sitting in the car already. If not I think I would just crumble on the floor. I felt a searing pain goes through my heart. What if its you? What if its you with another?

I cant deal with all these. I dont know how I get over it all, but now that Im going down the same road again I cannot imagine how I can last this journey through.

I cant let go....

2010-05-07T17:10:00.001+08:00

do u still want me?
yeah
how bad..
mayb more wen we meet

Some things just dont change even after 5 years. Even through chat he can still make me breathless.. I had to sit down after that conversation and learn how to breathe again. Suddenly I feel short of breath and my sights become a blur. I need to hear him. I need to breathe him in again. Sometimes I feel like throwing caution in the wind and see him again.

I have always imagine how things would be if one day he pops back again. Things are great and suddenly he comes in and messed up my reception. I cant see straight. I cant even focus on anything and I feel absolutely crazy!! These days I'm walking in a daze. I keep on staring out and the world seems to spin around while I'm rooted in my past. I wanna let go and walk away. Everyday I wear my heart on my sleeve. The more I hear the song the sadder it all becomes. He is hoping that I am single again. He is hoping that after 5 years I am free enough to become his. He has no idea. No idea of the conflict and guilt that is raking my insides. He has absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to walk away. To let go of my past and to do the right thing. I have to do the right thing and just walk. I have to keep walking and not look back. I cannot be hung up with my past. Those times, us together was a mistake. No matter what or how I justify, it was all a big horrible MISTAKE. We were a mistake that should not have happen in the first place.

But knowing that after all these years, you still want me is enough for me. That is enough for me to go on living.

Its been one hell of a week...

2010-05-06T16:55:00.001+08:00

I need u.

At the back of my head, memories flood through. I am wading against the waves. I have to reach the shore before I drown. Sometimes I get so tired and I wanna let it take me. That is when I reach for the phone just to hear your voice or get a glimpse of you.

Other days, I feel strong and swim furiously. I see the shore but as I get near it, it stretches further away.Those are the days when you post your Adam Lambert's song. Wattaya want From Me or when you post something on YM that breaks me bit by bit.

I cannot do this again. I cant focus on anything. I am having problems reconnecting to things around me. I feel like a robot going through the motions when actually I am breaking, screaming and struggling inside. I see you in everything and everywhere I go. I smell you in the air although you are miles away.

You have absolutely no idea how badly I want to just grab the keys and knock on your door. You have no idea how hard it is not to reply your messages or try not to call you back.

I am drowning again. Im gulping the water and my breath is shorter and I am suffocating. I wanna breathe again. And I wanna breathe it with you.

I need to stop missing you...

2010-04-30T15:10:00.000+08:00

Yeah I go back to you, every chance I get
No matter how soft my skin is
From the last time you dug real deep
My bones are shaking and I can't do this anymore
And I need to stop missing you
I can't fix us two
(Katie Costello - I Cant Fix Us Two)

I need to stop missing you.
I need to put this all behind. I need to move on.

Im all concious, about my face, my body and even my hair. Im scared that I'll bump into him wth his new gurl cuz I cant deal with that rite now.. I just cant.

Addicted ..Its like I'm not me.

2010-04-27T23:06:00.002+08:00

I have been having this twitch in my eye. It has been twitching the whole day. I went out nearly the whole day, when I finally could bring myself to check for my inbox.

Lo and behold, the reply that I have been waiting for. Five years. It has been 5 years. Why is he suddenly back. Why is he saying all the things again. Why is this happening again? Am I going to back the same path? I am really scared. The toughest fight of all is the fight you have within yourself.

It was really weird on the coincidence. I should not have replied. I thought he will never read it. I thought it will be something like the emails which Bella sent to an empty address. I thought it will stop whatever that I was feeling. I thought it would lose the edge. The edge. The addiction. Kelly Clarkson hits the bulls eye with these lyrics. Exactly what I'm feeling being put into words. She just didnt add that.... addiction always brings to destruction.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Today is a better day...

2010-04-26T00:44:00.002+08:00

Today had a family gathering thing. So my attention was distracted a bit. And never was there a moment where I had to run and take a breather and just breathe. Today I feel much better. I even baked today. Chocolate bread pudding from Surfin the Menu.

My newly single friend aka Ms Eve said to me yesterday, is it something that you are not satisfied that made you go dig for him. I insisted that I didnt dig, yet, that it was all a coincidence. I dwloaded YM to chat to a girlfriend and found old postings by him. Messages that went unanswered cuz I was busy going through my life. Was it a coincidence? Or was it my curiousity? I cannot really say.. It was a test. A small test.

And I broke like a twig.

Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was the dumb stupid avatar. I still cant really say… So yesterday went to watch a movie “ I hate Valentines Day”. Ironically it echoes how I feel about the heart throbbing avatar with heart shaped chocs in his hands. To add salt to the wound, the movie ended with the guy serenading the girl and making his friends formed the heart shape and asking the girl “Will you be my Valentine!” Sheesh… I could not have picked a worse movie. Anyway, had a great time. It would have been worse if I had not gone out. I would be moping around the house and telling everybody that I am still sick….

But today is a better day. Wish Eve was here so that she can see that I am much better. It was just the cough and the hormones and all those feelings you get all cooped up in your room all alone. I am much better when I am surrounded by people. I am a people person. I think…

Yes, today I feel much better. I open the page and see your face and I realize how very beautiful you are to me, but I do not feel broken. Not today. Just happy to have had the chance , how briefly it was to have that “Beautiful Disaster” with you.

What a start to my day...

2010-04-24T08:20:00.001+08:00

I dunno why but it 8am and Im already depressed. Its too early for me mope around, its like its too early for me to get drunk..

I shot for the sky, Im stuck on the ground. So why did I try I know Im gonna fall down.

I miss him so badly. Its all coming back and I wish there is a way to stop this wave of memories. It has been so long but these days, sleeping is hard and when I wake up he is the only one I think. What is the matter with me? Im being such a fool. It is too early to be a fool.

I have a family gathering today. Lets hope things can sort of distract me. Maybe it is being cooped up in this room that is driving me nuts. I am just being stupid.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind..

I wonder if you think of me sometimes...

Am i that forgettable?

Stupid freakin avatars..

2010-04-23T17:23:00.002+08:00

I saw him online and he is seriously messing with my head. I should let it go. But I saw the pic. What are the odds that I am never online and never check my YM that I end up seeing all this today. Today of all the days. Today is the day that I bumped into that stupid avatar of a bald headed ass with a freakin beating heart. What the hell??? Im not sure how to handle it.Im so over him. When I saw the pic, the lips..sheesh...lips which is probably kissin another bitch at this very moment. Anyway,I am so over him. I have moved on. I am so over this creep!! I can handle this. i am a mature independent woman. I can handle the freakin avatar with the red beatin heart!! What the fuck! What sort of corny avatar is that?? An avatar that tells the world that you are head over heels in love..

An avatar that brought me to my knees. An avatar that left me sobbing on the floor just now...Sheesh stupid dumb avatar..Why cant avatar be as hunky and hot as Sam Worthington..and not stupid bald with a freakin beatin heart..

Baby I miss you....

2010-04-23T14:21:00.001+08:00

I miss you…
It has been years. It has been so so long when I felt this way. Is it because my hormone is going crazy or is it because I truly miss you. Or simply because I am writing again. I have not written anything for ages. Because I thought I have moved on. Then wham…it all came back to me. It was as if somebody blocked it and 2 years later its back in full blown and I can remember every details of it.

I wanna write this down so I wont forget it. We were in a car and that was the first time I saw you without your cap on. I never thought bald was cute but then that night you were beyond cute. We stopped and I was feeling quite awkward. There was tension in the car and I kept looking the other way cuz I was too nervous to look at you. Then you ask for my hand as you held out your palm. Slowly I put my hand in yours and slowly you ran your fingers on the lines in my palm. It was so slow and sexy that I found myself holding my breath. I look out the window and started saying something which I totally have forgotten by now because of what came next simply blew my mind away. I turn to you and you grabbed my head and gave me that KISS. We kissed so many times after that but it will never be the same as that kiss. I was in shocked at first. But your lip was so intense and I can feel slowly the desire building up. I kissed you back and when you slide your tongue in, I stopped breathing. When we broke away we were both panting. I had a hard time believing that it all was not a dream when you dropped me home. A few nights later I asked you to stay when you dropped me home and you gave me some feeble excuse about needing to wake up early the next day. Then you texted me, “babe you look so sweet that you have no idea how hard is it for me to walk away last night”. I smiled the whole week and kept the text in my phone for ages.

I was in my most confused and lonely place all those time when we were having that so called fling. You took full advantage of it and baby I just don’t give a damn. And do you remember when we were making out in the car and it was your first time making it to second base. You keep wanting to touch my breast after that. There goes the kissing. I remember running my hands on your jeans as we kiss in the car. I remember your face and your heavy breathing as you get all hot and bothered. You look all drunk and crazy and your eyes gets all droopy and your hands were all over me. And I remember so badly I wanted to sit on your lap as you drive and kiss you endlessly.

Everytime we were making out it was totally intense and I remember biting your earlobe, licking your neck and touching you. You open your eyes and started kissing me. The next thing I know you were on top of me. Till today, I am still amazed at how fast it was for you to undo my bra straps and getting me naked in no time. Maybe it was because of all the kissing that was causing the haze in my brain. I will always remember the kisses. I love putting my hand all over your shoulder and feel your shaved head under my fingers. Nope you had no hair for me to run my fingers in but you had that fabulous neck and rasp and tingling feel of that shaved head of yours. I love kissing you and absolutely losing myself in that kiss. I love just having to kiss and not do anything heavier than that. I can never control myself when we are together. My head keep saying no but with every flick of your fingers, I lost it. It is as if something else has taken over my body and I can just sigh and moan. It was crazy. It was so so crazy and mindless and oh so so wrong…

Baby, do you remember that night when it rained and we were all hot and heavy.aah..the things you do with your fingers. Sigh. Do you remember me coming on your lap. My hair was all over the place and I was writhing on the floor with only the blanket covering me and you were whispering that I look damn hot when I lose it on that floor with you…And we will start kissing.. I will always remember the kisses. It was what kept us going. I believe we kept coming back for that. For all those kisses..

Im writing again. Is it a good or a bad thing...

2010-04-22T13:32:00.004+08:00

This blog...is my therapy. I thought I have healed and well and off this so called "meds". But lately, its a need again. Ive lost Soleil. Well we sort of went our separate ways. Its been more than a year. I was happier. I had other friends. Life have changed for the better and me and my other half is now very happy together.

Then..I got sick.

I had to be quarantined for more than a week. Those days when I was in pain and lying half drugged made me think. Probably it was the loneliness and feeling of death. I dunno what it was but it was really bad. Suddenly I start thinking about my past and all my past sins. What have I done? Will I ever recover from my mistakes? Will I ever forget?

When I recovered, I went out with girls. And somewhere along the way, I find myself staring into space. I can't speak no more. They have moved on other things. Things which I have nothing in common with. I'm not in this world anymore. Although I joined the chat and laughter, but deep inside i feel so alone. I miss Soleil. Sometimes in this world there is that one friend you can talk to and no one is the same and that is what she was to me. But what happened was so painful and I refuse to turn back. She made me cautious. She made me regret. She is now the reason why I have all this trust issues. It is so hard to open up and speak and to share again. I tried with my other half but he just don't get it and we end up arguing about it. The fact that I can speak to Soleil and not be able to share it with him is something he just cannot comprehend and he feels dejected by it.

So as I lie here today. All I can think is I need to write again. I need to express myself and get it all out. As I read my past postings and I cannot believe how miserable I was when I was writing all those things.

But now, I am happier. Still a bit lonely at times. But I blame it on the hormones these days. Just those time of the month. But I do miss Soleil. And I so so miss Butterfly. Once in awhile I still dream of him. I even wake up with tears on my cheek. How corny is that... or is it just sad...

Flirty On Air

2008-03-28T12:00:00.000+08:00

Was listening to a show on the radio. Despite how corny it sounds, Flirty at Ten Thirty is quite interesting. Without actually realising it, you are actually holding your breath waiting for the answer. Wondering whether its gonna be a sweet one or its just gonna BOMB!! Flirty at Ten thirty is actually a radio show for those who are too shy to ask their lust object out. Last night's show was the worst, when they guy told the gal who asked him out that he's not INTERESTED. Not only he told her off directly he told her and the world (on air) that he was just flirting with her all these while because his buddy asked him to test her out. What an asshole!!!Well, later the station was bombarded by calls defending the girl and lashing out at the jerk. Serve him right.

I'm down with a bad cough. Maybe it is something in the cough mixture. Feeling a bit down the weather but still up for a day out with the cousins. Going out later and just hope I wont piss in my pants when I cough away.

I'm moving from the house. The house which holds so many memories. I never thought it would be this hard but yes it is hard. It is so difficult to just walk away. It is a lot of baggage to throw out. So painful to let go. To not look back and change my mind.

tonight..i'm broken

2008-02-20T17:35:00.000+08:00

I do not know why but I only write when I am in this melancholic mood. Tonight of all the nights seems to be colder than usual. I feel lonelier than before. I have no idea how much longer I can endure my life. To be apart from the one you love. To be separated with the one you made a vow to. Till death do us part, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health..

I long for company. i hate to say this but I long for my butterfly. I wish I can just hear him say something, his voice. Just a call or a text which I can stare into endlessly.

I am broken inside. My head is messed up. I am not myself and I so need to get away. At certain times I think of butterfly and I am in total control. He does not effect me like before. I have sort of moved on. But sometimes like tonight I feel like rolling on the floor. I feel the ache so deep inside. Like a bottomless hole of nothingness. I have lost faith in myself. In my abilities. In my own potential. There are days you feel like you can conquer the world and then, there are days such as today.

When all you feel is...loss.

Lost.

Alone.

Empty.

All i want is to lie down in his arms. I really need it. Just to breathe the same air he breathes. Just to hear him breathing. I really need to hear it. Even if it is just for a while. Even if its only in my dream.

Deep dark and sombre

2008-02-04T14:28:00.000+08:00

Today, I watched the movie No Country for Old Men and I read the forum of the movie. So many heavy issues. SO many problems. The world is so dark and there is a foreboding future ahead of you. What a depressing subject. But today am feeling extra down.Then found the quote below.

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

what sort of question is that?

It is a question that makes you stop and think. It is a question that makes you sigh. You do not know the answer. It just a question that makes you feel so lost. So pathetic. So lonely. Loneliness. It is a deep dark subject for me. It eats you up inside.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

How right is this one. It hits on you right on the spot. It is so true. I am now happy with my current partner. I have found my soulmate in him. He is my partner in life and death. We gave our promise to God to love and cherish each other for as long as we shall live.

But somehow, deep inside this heart..I still find it hard to forget another. My past. After all these while I am still writing about him. Why is it so hard to forget. Why is it the mere memories can still bring tears to my eyes and pain in this soul. Why is it so hard to just walk away. I have walked away from it all. I have moved away. I have done what I can. I just cannot erased the memories. What happened between us. Was it a mistake? Were we victims of circumstances? Or is it just me following my heart and not my head? I find myself asking the same question over and over again. Delve deeper and i am so not sure I want to know the actual answer.

I keep playing the scene. What if one day our path crosses? I seriously cannot imagine. Sometime I think I can just walk away as cool as a cucumber. At times, like today....I think I would just fall and die. I would be so broken and messed up and my emotions would just swallow me up.

I will never know for sure what would happen unless our path crosses I guess.

Funny emails

2008-01-24T17:07:00.000+08:00

Gosh, he sent this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS email. Well it sorts of like minutes of meeting but hilarious all the same. It is bad when I can stare at his name for quite a while but too nervous to say anything. It is bad..

Actually its been a while since I can intellectually relate to a guy. That is what you get when you kept messing up with little boys and not REAL MEN. But then, the men that came our way are definitely not available. Especially if he happens to have really nice hair and mesmerizing eyes.

Then, there is the pressure of trying to be more witty than one is capable of. All this is done to impress the person one is having a crush on. It is not amusing at all. It is tiring and after a while, it gets to you. You feel like really dumb. Dumb as Bridget Jones dumb. Plus, you are SO not yourself. You try so hard to be this attractive, mature and confident woman. It is all an act when you actually feel like a blundering idiot. But it is bad when you see him online and suddenly you become all restless and damn if you can wipe that awful smirk off your face.

The guy is obsess with Star Wars and theres innuendos in the emails that reflects on how a chauvanistic asshole he can be. But then who the bloody cares. All that matter right now is to stop grinning like a bimbo and to try stop having goose bumps just thinking of him. Gosh, I SO feel like im sixteen again and going strong.

Its my birthday!!!!

2008-01-22T12:13:00.000+08:00

Yahoo!!!

Today is my birthday!!!! Hehee..so much for celebration. I'm here on my own. My other half will be stationed in the city soon. Soon, i'll be back to my old routine.Playing with fire is thrilling but soon it fizzles out. Life is back to normal = boring.

I'm still doing my content writing. Plus, we are really getting acquainted quite well. He likes my jokes.Hmmm...never thought I can be funny though. But then,one can never take life so seriously.

I got birthday wishes from my siblings and cousins. But I waited one from Soleil which I know will never come. It is such a sad ending to a great friendship. But I know it is for the best. The relationship was waaaaaay too weird. It ate us up. It was consuming and I felt suffocated. Although, in the beginning I was really down, now it is some sort of a relief not to have the burden. I can never make her happy enough. Whatever I do is never good enough. How much longer must I go on that way?

Friendship is about giving and also receiving. Somewhere along the line we lost our sincerity. I miss the good times we had but I certainly do not miss the abuse in the name of friendship which I had to endure.

Am i going down the same road again?

2008-01-15T16:13:00.000+08:00

Am i doing it all over again? It is the thrill that I can't shake it off. Its making me feel a bit light headed. Like I just down a bottle of scotch. It was something. There was something in the air making both of us quite er..nervous.

I am afterall a mature woman. Not exactly old not that young either. Im at my peak. Plus, I do not think I look so bad being in my early 30s. My experience with the opposite isnt exactly limited. Ive had my share of guys. But its been awhile, with MEN. Real men. Sad to say, only little boys come my way. They may be delicious to taste but not much substance there.

This time, this round, he sounds like a MAN. Actually,he sounds really hot. Plus, me not mistaking the flirty part of the so called 'business conversation'. It was about business. It was all business mind you. But then,...is it my imagination or was he trying to lengthen the conversation. Told him he could just mailed me the link but he waited for it to load. The content that I needed I mean. And while it loads, we had small talk. Flirty giggles and all. Im guilty of it absolutely. I tried to make it sound like a sexy throaty laugh of a 30 year old but it ended up sounding like a 15 year old giggle. Shucks!!

I tried my best to sound all business like though..but GOSH I cant seem to wipe this smile off my face. Im wearing this Cheshire grin all over my face and I cant help myself. THATS why I have to blog. Just to get it all out of my chest. He sounds SO sO macho! SUCH A MANLY VOICE!!!

I so hope he ends up looking like a dog. But then, the info I got hmmm... Well, its at least something exciting thing that I can look up to.

What an interesting day it has been. Wonder what tomorrow holds....

Its been a while...

2008-01-14T16:52:00.000+08:00

New year, new haircut..ehmmm..new resolutions??? Fraid not..hehehe...same old same old...

Nway, I am currently doing some content writing for this website by this big oil & gas company. Gosh..it is such a PAIN! Doing the same thing all over and over again is absolutely torturous!!!

But then, the best part is the middle guy..hehehe.. Here I am sounding like a 15 year old again. I've got loads to do but here I am BLOGGING. I only blog when I have something up my chest and when it feels like its about to blow, I just have to write it down. I can't help it.

He SOUNDS cute. But best of all, he writes VERY WELL. I'm a sucker for those with a flair for words. Nice name too. I do not know why, being stuck here. Doing work from home is not what it cracked out to be. I have absolutely no social life!!! Even a slight attention from a stranger I have never met makes it ssssoo exciting. I am pathetic, I know. Which explains why this site is supposedly anonymous except to those who know me so well that they READ BEYOND mere words..hehehe..:-))

A little bird told me he's CUTE and VERY MARRIED!!! SO what, we'll never meet but he'll be some sort of fantasy that can be something I can look forward too in my daily BLAND life.

Cest La Vie..les moi

2007-07-01T23:35:00.001+08:00

Somebody sent me an email yesterday. Well a few emails actually saying that I tempt fate. Asking me to stop obsessing over a single text message. I haven't replied to any of my emails, because I am writing about it all here. I don't normally talk about the comments I received, but today I just feel like it.

This blog is my therapy. I am here all on my own. My life is not a bed of roses. I need this blog to keep my sanity INTACT. There are things which some of you have done on a whim, leaving all sensible reasons. There are no justifications to what I have done. Even if I do, it will never be enough.

I am not here because I want to, away from my friends and family. I am not here to take a break from the city. I am here because I have no other choice. I am stuck here. No matter what happens, I'm stuck here. It is a complex circumstance which I am unable to explain, in other words, I couldn't be bothered to explain anymore.

I am living my life the way the flow brought me. I am making the best of what comes my way. Maybe I jinxed it a bit for some excitement but basically I am just 'going with the flow'.

Don't read and judge me. I feel liberated this way. This blog makes me feel as I am just walking around naked. I am free here. I can bare my heart and soul here and nobody can deny me this freedom. At least not in my own bloody blog. Thank you for all the criticism and inquiries. I am not here to please anybody but myself.

Told him...

2007-06-30T14:20:00.000+08:00

Its been a while. Its been more than a year. Coming to two years since the last time we kept in touch. Last night was really a hot sweaty and lonely night. Decided to sent him a text just out of the blue hehee. Told him about the blog. And what do you know, he actually replied and asked for the link HAHAHA.. How much you wanna bet that he'll never find this blog. There is no way this blog can be connected with me, unless you know my story "sigh".

So the butterfly is still very much alive and well. Curiosity kills the cat. I have no idea what drove me to tell. Was it because I was too tired and trying to sleep but can't. I don't know. I just felt like it I guess. I'd probably regret it all later on, but what the heck. What's done is done.

I'll never give him the link nor will I reply the text, just hope it will drive him crazy looking for THE blog..:-))

This therapy is really good. It is doing me a lot of good :-))

My life in a book

2007-06-20T02:51:00.000+08:00

Now who in the world would write a book about a nobody like me? Well actually I'm in the midst of finishing this novel. Chick Lit. The writer is Jennifer Weiner. Goodnight Nobody. It’s about a mother of three. Which in the beginning is certainly not me. But as I read on, I felt as if the words were coming out of my own thoughts. Especially the part where Evan Mckenna came into the picture. Sigh..

The words I have written in this blog itself. But its better written of course, minus the confused grammar and what not. Afterall, she’s the writer, me, I’m just the blogger..who’s a nobody.

I’m in a space of my life where confusion and complex is a dirty little word. My life is in a whirl. I am lost and I feel so helpless and alone. Here I am in my sad little world, trying to convince myself and the world that I am living the Dream. Sometimes it feels really tiring going against the wave of reality. Sometimes, it is good for the soul to live the life as Kate Klein of Goodnight Nobody. Let just say a few of us unlucky souls in the world can really relate to what she’s going through, yet the novel sort of added a few parts to sensationalize her dreary life. Afterall, one need to sell the lit and reality can be a bore most of the times.

Her excitement other than the murder of the perfect housewife (which is normally Kate’s object of envy) is of course the hunk who happened to be her past love. There’s a part where she stares at him, trying to memorise .

“Time seemed to slow down,in order to give me a chance to permanently engrave every detail of the scene in my mind, so I’d be able to have it at my fingertips and replay it over and over again for the rest of my life…”

Isnt it all so familiar. It is as if what ever I had felt was being said in words and being played by the characters in the book. Painful and very poignant . I become so emotional that I had to stop reading. But then fiction slaps me in the face. The character than managed to run off to er..LONDON. Hehe, so much for similarity. I ran away too, just not that far and certainly less glamorous. Well, London, glamorous? Well its where Kate Moss is from! Anyway, the other part in the book, well this is another thought picked from my brain, no, my soul actually, my heart,..

“I would have run away with you. If you’d ever really asked”

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I really would have. I’d dropped everything. Well, not that I have that much. What I have a lot is PAIN. I have a lot of those. Want some?

Its too much drama and too much nonsense. If he comes back, would I have drop it all off? Or would I just turn the other way,breathe in my pain and just walk on. Walk on my reality knowing that whatever he offers, it is just a bit of fiction. His fiction.

Meer, somewhere in my heart…meant for each other just not meant to be together. Remember?

Me blogging again..

2007-02-26T08:05:00.000+08:00

5th February last year, you called and that was it. Last night, I had a dream. It was a wonderful dream. I woke up smiling. I forced myself to continue sleeping because the feeling I had, I just want to feel it again. I grabbed a pillow and hugged the pillow and in my head I smelled you. That natural musky, I just had my shower smell which you always have.

As I lay back, in the dream there was a vision of me calling out for you from the balcony. And there you were, you stuck your head out and said, Yes hon? And I said, “ Love, I want to follow,” and you said, “Hon, maybe later I’ll see you. I have to settle this first.”

It doesn’t make much sense. But the feeling stays, it stayed even when I woke up. The feeling, the overwhelming sense of contentment. You know, the feeling that this is where I belong. The hell with reality, this is what I want. I never call anybody else “sayang”. I thought of it as corny, but when you first called me that, I feel it. That feeling…

It was the same feeling I had, the morning I woke up and saw you. It was the same feeling I felt that rainy night when you stayed over. It was the same feeling I had, every time I pushed the drape and saw you over the gate. It was the same feeling I had, when I turn and feel you behind me and having your arms around me as I sleep. The same feeling I had whenever I feel your lips softly kissing mine. It was the feeling I had as I look into your eyes under the soft light with Maroon 5 in the background.It was a sort of feeling I would probably never feel again.

I can’t really describe it, but I feel it everytime I hear the song by Snow Patrol, Run and Unkle Bob, Swans. Which is why I am listening to the songs as I am writing this. It was as if my heart sort of glowed, warm and fuzzy feeling. Is it love? I am not that sure. I thought I got over it all. I thought I am totally over you. I went on with my life. I am moving on.

At that moment, when I had the feeling, it doesn’t matter that in reality my life is so not stable. That my career is in wreck. That my head is so confused. What matters is that warm feeling, that pure happiness and calmness that I felt as I stared up and saw you. It is the feeling of expecting you, waiting for you and finally seeing you at the door. It is a feeling which I just can’t compare. Maybe, I will never feel it again, but having it once in my life was worth it.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it any where
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think i might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Nothing has change..nothing at all..

2006-09-09T14:30:00.000+08:00

Ten Days

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...

Its been more than ten days...but it hurts all the same...it hurts as if it all happened yesterday. It was as if yesterday, you said gbye and disappeared from my life forever.

The song is from Missy Higgins

I want to be rescued..

2006-09-07T23:19:00.000+08:00

I remember running away in a crowd. Gasping for air. The hurt and pain I feel suffocates me. I can feel my lungs tighten and my chest hurts. I need air. I need space. I need to be rescued.

Suddenly I am on a beach. I see the waves splashing on the white sands. My breathing slows down. Slowly the sight calms me. I breathe in. Fresh air. Lots and lots of space. Slowly I look back and I saw him looking at me. As our eyes meet, the look brings back the ache I feel in my heart. His eyes, full of questions. He hesitates and he did not walk over. How I wish this is all real. At that moment, it seemed real.

It was only a dream. But it felt so good. I was smiling the whole day. I want to be rescued that way. Although it was a dream, but the hurt and pain felt so real. I want to be held that way. He held me from behind, I felt him close and I felt safe.

I do not know who he is but it felt good. It was just a dream, but just as the intensity feels so real so does the pain. The loneliness and hopelessness of the circumstances. It was never meant to be. I would never leave him. Even if it means I will be sacrifing my own happiness. I know it will never work. I will make do with what I have. In real life, love is just never enough.

2006-08-02T16:02:00.000+08:00

I'm starting work early morn tomorrow and here I am blogging. Crazy me. Crazy crazy me. I have a new theme song...Crazy crazy song. Its a feel good song and yeah the title is Crazy hehehe..

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

I remember when
I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that face (OR place, OR phase!)

Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

Mmm…

And when you’re out there
Without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Mmm…

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
(OR "possibly" - depending on what version you have)

An I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice
That’s my only advice

Mmm…

Come on now
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you think you are
Ha ha ha
Bless your soul
You really think you’re in control

Well
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on the limb
An all I remember
Is thinking I wanna be like them

Mmm…

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
It was no coincidence I’ve come
An I can die when I’m done

But maybe I’m crazy
But maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Aaah…ooooh…

Maybe I am crazy but then, so is the world. Superpowers are used to kill the weak and the oppressed are crushed further. There is no more good in this world if obvious evil and horrors are justified by people you vote to be your leaders.

Why am I so serious? Just reflecting on life a moment there.

I am suppose to be in a crazy mood. Time to go boogie...Nighty nite.

2006-07-22T15:21:00.000+08:00

Is it the smile...? Is it the the structure of the jaw...? Is it the look that he gave..? As he turns when he drives..? The look he gave, at the corner of his eye...

The playful glint in the eyes...? The strut in his walk.. the rasp in his voice... the musky smells of his sweat as he finishes in the gym...? The smell of his skin?

Or is it way he held me in his arm..? The feel of his skin against mine? His lips as it brushes my neck..? His breath between my breasts? His legs between mine...The look in is eyes before his lips meet mine?

I remember my arms around him. I remember him pulling me close. I remember feeling his shaved head grazed my fingers whenever we kiss.

Maybe it was the kiss. That first kiss which caught me by surprise. The kiss which left me breathless...and so so confused. That kiss will forever haunt me...

He's Online...

2006-07-14T01:40:00.000+08:00

I have finally settled down. I found something I love doing and earning money from it. I want to write, just did not have the time. Its 1.30 am in the morning and here I am. There is nothing much to write. None to pour, no anger, no sadness just..well still not content though. I have finally settled down again. everything is quiet and looks fine and okay. The waves softly splashes on the sandy beaches or sumthin like that. Then...WHAM!

He's back.

I saw him online!!!

I have forgotten that he is in my contact, since my YM setting is to see online contacts only. So one day, there it is..he's online!!!

Bloody hell...should i Say Hi or shouldn't I.

I logged out. ( the chicken in me I guess)

I logged in again..sheeshh..this might be the one and only time I get to see him online.

Portugal or Germany (the match was coming up in a few hours) so I just typed.. Portugal or Germany?

and he answered Germany

as it went along..he suddenly asked who is this??

HE DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER?

GOSH! AM I THAT FORGETTABLE?

hmmm...and then he typed baby is that u?

BABY? Which baby am I???

The one he's fucked in KL or the one he is currently fucking in Dublin.

What the fuck. I have no idea what am I doing wasting my time with this LOSER.

SO I logged the fuck out.

Anger..

2006-06-30T02:41:00.000+08:00

I am writing this in anger. Its 2.35 am and I might be single again sometime in the near future. Well, why should I be surprised if this union dissolved. AFterall..it was cracking all over the place anyway. I just have to figure out my journey alone from here. One slap to my so called perfect family. Here you celebrate and welcome a new addition to the family and here you say gbye to the old.

I had a feeling sooner or later it might come. I just have no idea how to accept it or how to actually face it. I am bitter with this experience and I hate myself for letting it rot. But then, everyone close to me can see and realised that I have done my best. now I badly need a best friend to call and talk to. But then of coz in my present state that it is certainly not possible. Even if it is World Cup season and phone calls are cheaper at this hour.

Is it just me or the world is just so cruel to me. I have tried my my best to put a brave face and endure everything that have come my way. No matter how hard and ugly it gets, I always pull through. I alwiz survive it. No matter how awful the loss. When my dad passed away I felt as if my soul was wrenched out of me. In those couple of months, never once did I act out of grief or entertain any talk about his death. Deep in my mind I always say he is still around and he has never left. I put it so deep at the back of mind that sometimes I believed it myself. So when there were occassions where I wanted him around and there was no way I can summon him it became so frustrating.

I am trying my best here not to cry as I type this. If my life come crumbling around me I will keep my chin up and face it like..I always do. With strength and dignity. In this blog space, only here I am in pieces. Only here I express my sorrows and my pain on all my losses.

My sense of loneliness in my bed even when I am in my bed with Mr So called Right. The hollow that i feel in my heart everytime we make love. How lonely and alone I feel even when my life is surrounded by laughter and supports of my family.

I still feel so alone. One day I might be alone. I might even end up dying in my bed alone. that thought is scary. But then, when the time comes, in my grave I'll be alone, when facing Him I'll be alone. Now is not the time for drama. Now is the time to face the harsh reality. To see the thing that you patiently built and endured coming to an end..dissolving in your very eyes. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You just have to keep enduring.

Busy week. Busy month

2006-06-25T08:07:00.000+08:00

My work is really catching up on me. There goes my one month break. Plus its World Cup year this year! The last time I followed was the year Roberto Baggio of Italy faced Brazil in the finals. That was when World Cup was held in the US. That was my last world Cup and my football knowledge stopped there.

This year I am up and about again. I even stayed up for the 3am matches. Especially if Argentina is playing. Messi is such an entertaining player to watch. My money is on Germany though. So far, Germany is making it look so easy. Its not Quarter Final yet, but so far Germany is easing through each round like a breeze. This year they look promising plus they have the advantage of playing on their own soil. Well, only time will tell.

Other than the WOrld Cup, my classes are now 5 times a week and my time is quite full. I am also preparing designs to prepare for the Eid crowd. Yup, as fasting months come, there will be a lot of shopping and I have to prepare my stock ASAP.

For once, I'm raking my brains to write. Oh..Lynn is seeing someone. WOnder if he's the one for her. Well again, only time will tell. Thats all 4 today I guess. Gonna go and dream about messing with Messi. He may be too young but he's still too cute to resist.:-))

Its Finally Over!!!

2006-06-15T16:00:00.000+08:00

Finally the wedding is over. Cant believe that my little bro is now no longer a virgin hehehehe..

It was the most chaotic wedding ever!! But it was also the most FUN wedding we ever had in the family. On the last day, we stayed up and karaoked until the wee hours. Well some tradition are just meant to be broken. When we first broke into a song, the aunties went like, "Its just not our way you know". I love my aunties, ancient or not, I learned a lot from them and they are a helpful lots. But when it comes to music, they just won't compromise, its just not our way..sheeshh..

Anyway the wedding started horribly. On the eve of the wedding it rained heavily at night and I jumped from my bed, all I can think of is my sound systems set. I end up saving some of the soft cushion chairs. The storms and lightning were too scary for me to keep up the mission so I went to bed soaking. The next morning we found out that everything was WET!! Except for some great saves from the rest were soaked. All of us felt like crying. And the guest were coming at 11.30!!! Can you actually believe it!! It was horrendous!! I felt a sense of hopelessness as I lined up the seats to dry under the sun with rest of the siblings. Everyone looked gloomy and wondered how the day was gonna proceed.

To cut the story short, all my aunties helped out and for a wedding which started horribly, everything went great and smoothly. It was utter blessings from the powers that be. The tablecloth which was torn and wet were replaced and somehow the end everything turned out so nice and lovely!!

We had so much fun that day!! One event which was unforgettable was when my little nephew chose to peed on the landings in the middle of the stairs when traffic was extremely heavy!! I panicked but then when we all discussed it out, it was hilarious!!!

It was not perfect, but we found out that everyone had a great time and TOTALLY dig the food. As usual, we serve the best food of course. We had such a grand time. I lost my voice for two weeks after the wedding and big bro had to be admitted to the hospital cuz he hurt his back. Poor guy. What a way to close the chapter. But then when we saw the photos, it was all well worth it. It was all well that ends well.

The Colour of My Soul

2006-05-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I like the idea that my soul is represented by a white horse. It's so beautiful..

Your love secrets Revealed..yeah right..

2006-05-18T17:25:00.000+08:00

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt.

You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

The lucky ones..

2006-05-13T08:30:00.000+08:00

Yeah Chris was booted out and I actually cried!!! Nope, not just cried, I bawled my eyes out!! Hehe..what a wimp.. Soleil texted me, you were upset about Chris, is it Chris or another bald guy you are crying for ha..?? I felt lost when they eliminated Chris. Lost. Heart broken. Alone. My highlight of the week is now gone.

Hmm..sometimes I wonder, I like Chris cuz he’s really sexy, fabulous crooner, I’m nuts about rockers, or plainly cuz he’s bald..and bald men = Mr dublin.

Sheesh… here we go again. I’m in one of those moods again which is why my posting is quite frequent. When I badly need therapy, I write. I do not know why. Is it the stress of the wedding, or the impending wedding of Lynn’s guy. I believe that we are somehow ‘cosmically’ connected. If her creepy guy has a girlfriend, mine is seeing someone too. Now Mr Shorty is getting married in December!! I am getting restless, mine might be getting married too.

I have this feeling one of these days he is gonna call me up asking for a mailing address to mail his invitation. I’ve played the scene of me witnessing his ‘akad’ so many times in my mind. Me in the background as he solemnly swears his love to HER. Ugly ugly scene..painful..it never gets better although I have played it a thousand times over.

Lynn, my ingenious cousin whose timing cannot be better sent me this. I felt like someone slapped me on the face. I woke up. It hit home. It hit so close to home.

Difference between "somebody you Love" and "somebody you Like"
In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you like, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush
But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.

In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind
But in front of the person you like, you can.

In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy
But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.

When the one you love is crying, you cry with them
But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.

The feeling of love starts from the eye But the feeling of like starts from the ear.
So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever ...

How sick is that? How can you like some and be with that someone and not love that person. Especially if that person is absolutely crazy about you. Does that make you a bad person? If you ask me, that is what I call reality.

At least that is my reality. I truly believe that I cannot lead a happy life if I chose someone I truly love..because he doesn’t love me the same. Maybe because I have knack of choosing the absolute WRONG man to love. But then how can you choose? This is matters of the heart, it is not something you can pick and choose. Sometimes you love the person without even realizing it. Sometimes you just love the person although you know he does not deserve it at all. Sometimes the person doesn’t even give a damn.

So does it matter? It doesn’t actually. Because in my journey, finding someone who truly cares about you DESPITE your flaws and eccentricities is an achievement. Look into yourself. Are you that great a person? Are you as perfect as the guy you are looking for? Are you capable of overlooking his setbacks and settle for less? To find someone who truly loves you for who you are, loves you unconditionally. If you fall that way and he loves you back, then you are one of the lucky ones. But in my case, I’ll cherish my find, because in my heart I believe that one day I can learn to love the person back. I can learn to cherish him as much. Then I’ll be one of the lucky ones..

Today is just not my day..

2006-05-11T18:21:00.000+08:00

Today is a horrible day. I cant believe my Chris is OUT of American Idol!!!! If only I can vote. It has been one heck of a day. The wedding preparation is taking its toll on me. My cough is getting worse and I'm having a migraine and I think my head is gonna burst and now my Chris!!! My Chris Daughtry is eliminated. My fave number by Chris is that Keith Urban song, Making Memories of Us and of course Renegade. I dont care what Simon says. Come to think of it i love all of Chris's performances. The guy is amazing. He's absolutely fabulous. His rendition of Making Memories of Us is even better than Keith's, heart wrenching and that crisp husky voice just drives me nuts!!!

My beautiful, adorable, sexy, babelicious Chris is gone. My heart is broken. I can never be more miserable than this..maybe when Mr Dublin gets married that will be a second horrible day. I don't even want to go there. I had enough of these nonsense. No more American Idol for me..no more..

Irish Craze

2006-05-06T16:02:00.000+08:00

Is it just me or everything seems to revolve around Ireland these days. Has the world gone Irish crazy? The other day, it was ultra violet with the soundtrack by cranberries. I am not that sure but I could have sworn it was Dolores' haunting voice as Milla does her futuristic acrobatic martial arts in the background. Then, my fave photopage went to DUBLIN. Of all the places in the world..and he chose Dublin. There is even a photo spread of MALAYSIAN students in Dublin having the time of their life on the site. Not only I'm being pushed off the stairs I'm being stabbed and trod on!

Then another fave photopage had a newlyweds from Ireland!! Plus I have just realised that both of my fave groups are from Ireland. My absolute fave group The Corrs, Cranberries and thank god Adam Levine and Kanye is definitely not Irish!!

Maybe all of these stuff are actually normal. Maybe I'm being ultra sensitive these days. I have taken steps to move on. Yet I feel like he is still around making faces as I try my best to turn away from any traces of our memories together. How long am I going to keep writing on how hurt and in pain I am. I am sick of reading it myself. I am sick of being in pain. I want to be happy. Sometimes I feel deliriously happy. These days life is not that bad. But when it gets bad it gets really mad. No moderate day for me. When its good, its fabulous.

Crazy crazy life of mine..

I have a new job...

2006-04-20T11:18:00.000+08:00

Yup I finally did it. Changed my career. It is a big step towards a new me!!! Which sorts of explains why I havent had the time to write and update as often.I teach nowadays. Its been hectic but surprisingly a lotta fun. At the side I'm still doing designing. Although market is slow but demand for me to supply has been intense. Dunno if it makes sense or not but it does!!

One thing lacking is that me and pardner again..is going separate ways. Since my job is here, he is there. Once again he is back to being himself. Totally into his work that at times I think he sorts of forgotten that I actually exist. But then since my brother's wedding is coming up this June, I've been pretty busy myself. I did everything myself. All the nitty gritty stuff, all the hantaran and those souveniers and gifts. I did everything with mum. I want to stop thinking and dwelling on certain matters though sometime it gets awfully lonely. writing is therapy. It really helps. It helps me to let go. Damn.

Of course I have not let it go!! Of course I still think about it!! The other day there was a travel show. The host was this young upcoming actor accompanied by a young petite co host. They were SO SWEET!!! I wonder if he is sweet to her... I wonder if in Dublin he walks with her hand in hand.

I do not think I will ever make another trip to London much less to Ireland. Everywhere I go and everything I see, I'll keep on wondering. Were they ever here? Did he kiss her here? Proposed to her? Laugh together?

This is absolutely crazy!! I am going nuts! If I am not busy it is the only thing I'll ever think of.

I missed his birthday. Maybe it was a sign. The alarm didnt go off. I had no idea how or why it happened, it never happened before. I missed his birthday. It should not have mattered anymore. He should not matter to me. He can die of a bomb blast in Dublin and I should not care!!!

Sometimes it is okay. Sometimes I could not care less. Sometimes, I get too preoccupied to let it bother me. But certain times it really really hurts. Though nowadays, I think I am calmer. I have chilled out. I have come to terms that it still hurts and maybe it will forever hurts everytime I think about it. But there is nothing I can do about it. "Cuz I cant make you love me if you dont. And you cant make your heart feels something it wont"

I am fine now...at this moment in time I am doing just fine.

How come it still hurts..

2006-03-16T16:40:00.000+08:00

There is one certain fact about Mr Dublin. If he is made available and the circumstances is different I dont think I want to be with him. I dont even think we will end up happy. But then why does it hurt so bad...?? Now that it is not meant to be and he is happy elsewhere, why am I unhappy?

Is it the fact that he is forbidden or the fact that he is so different from the norm, that he will raise eyebrows? Is it just me, to want more attention to myself..? Or the fact that we shared a tender moment together and for a while there he made me feel that all my problems do not really matter. In those few brief moments together he gave me a feeling that I havent felt for so long. He made me feel as if I am needed. He made me feel alive again. To feel alive, passionate and enraptured in those moments when my head was ina mess and my life was coming apart he was like a breath of fresh air to a suffocating person.

It was not lust. It was not infatuation. It was real love. I feel it inside. I know it was for real. that is why it was not meant to be. Isnt it more romantic this way?

One day our path might crossed and he will be there with his happy bride and I will look from afar. I will be happy for him. I will try.

I love him. I know I will never experience intense love and passion as I have felt in those years when we had those clandestine meetings, and I never want to. For this pain in my heart and soul is way too much for me to bear. It is so much that I cannot even shed a tear. I feel if I start to cry..I might never stop.

Theme songss..More theme songs..

2006-03-09T05:15:00.000+08:00

Emancipation of MIMI
Dont Forget About Us

(Don't forget about us) Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby, boy...
Just let it dieWith no goodbyes
Details don't matter We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby (yeah)

Now everytime I see you I pretend I'm fine When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

Oh they say That you're in a new relationship
But we both know Nothing comes close to What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it How big we used to did it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it
So don't forget about Late nights, playin' in the dark And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

And if she's got your head all messed up now That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do it like me
She'll never be MC Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want i
tSo don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my armsBoy,
you'll always be in my heart andI can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us.

Here By Me
by 3 Doors Down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me 'Cause I'm not doing so good without you The things I thought you'd never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you And everything I have in this world And all that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me I can’t take another day without you 'Cause, baby, I could never make it on my own I've been waiting so long just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say But everything I've ever known gets swept away Inside of your love And everything I have in this world All that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me As the days roll on I see Time is standing still for me When you’re not here I’m sorry I can’t always find the words to say Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love x2 And everything I have in this world And all that i'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me

Yup..as I have expected...

2006-03-08T11:42:00.000+08:00

My last posting was last year. The modem broke down again. Damn. So here is my first post for this year. Hell what a way to break into a new year. Uneventful birthday. Loneliest birthday I had in years.. Happy belated birthday to me.

Took me a total one month to actually get the chance and the spirit to post this. He called on 5th February 2006. There I was with everyone around me, cheering as Jacky Victor came on stage to sing Gemilang for the Juara Lagu. We were rooting for Mr Mawi of course. I dont think I can ever listen to Jacky the same way again. I didnt recognise the number as usual. Then his voice came and my other half was staring as usual, wondering who the hell was calling you at this time when most of the nation would be glued to the screen. Well, its a no surprise since he is in Dublin so he wouldnt have been watching. I pretended to not hear and slipped into a room nearby and closed the door behind me. I sensed from his voice that it is something urgent. Something I definitely do not want to hear. He made small talk, watcha doin girl? bla bla bla. I was getting restless. Worried that other half gonna peak in and asked whats goin on.

Then yes he said it..

Girl, I am seeing someone.

Yup he said it.

I didnt know what to say. There was a brief silence. I could have sworn I can hear my heart breaking into smithereens at that very moment. I drew in deep breath and my voice shook as I tried my best to compose myself.

I had expected this. I knew one day you are gonna call and tell me this.

Inside my head I've played this conversation so many times yet when the actual thing happened, I felt as if I am in a dream and a cold rush came over me. He asked quietly,

You expected this?
Sure I expected this. Who is she?
She's an old friend which I met again. She might be the one I wanna marry. Wait for my wedding invitation. You will love her. Once Im back in Malaysia, I'll introduce her to you.

Damn. What the hell is he thinking? Some men can be so EVIL. I have to be cool about this.

Sure why not. That'll be great. I have to go now. We'll chat next time k.
Girl, My emails not gonna be as frequent as before and I'll be laying low for a while k.
Sure. I understand.

Yeah, as if his emails is that frequent anyway..and Yeah he'll be too busy fucking her that he will not have the time to write TO ME!! No. I am certainly not bitter. DO I sound bitter? Naah..figment of imagination. I am fine. I am doing just fine. That fine song from Boyz to Men and Since You've been Gone came to mind..hehe..my new theme song i guess.. I am fine.

I am such a mess. Then I went out and continue watching the show. My heart is a mess. I wanna cry out yet there I was trying my best to appear cheerful. I was shouting and laughing way too hard and didnt dare to make any eye contact with Soleil. She sensed it.

I cannot cry. I tried to later on but I just cant. I realised my life need to go on. I have this project on the line. I am now determine to do this. I know I can do this. I am messed up but I know I can do this. I have to get my life back. This project can make me forget. Does it matter anymore..?

I wanna do things and make it matter. This is a dark period in my life and I am gonna get through this. I know I will. That phone call was the ending and a starting point to a new beginning.

I'm so tired and spent.

2005-12-13T01:10:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a fun filled family day. Today is a friends filled day. Yep, since I've been here, things have been pretty busy. Work as well as leisure. One good thing is that all these activities is occupying my mind. Thoughts of Mr Dublin does not come in as often as before. However, recently I went for a movie wth partner, sis and best fren. While waiting for partner to buy popcorn and drinks, there was this couple. At first I did not really noticed the girlfried but damn I definitely notice the guy. Needless to say, he's bald and tall, not beautiful but quite okay looking. Till today I do not really remember what was on my mind as I look at them. All I know was that it was quite intense to the point my companies were nudging me to stop STARING cuz the girlfriend have noticed it. I did not realised I was staring and made up some feeble excused that I was looking at something else. Well of course the girls rolled up their eyes and said they know better.

I drew some deep breath and decide to take a walk AWAY from my company and THE COUPLE. While staring at the screen outside the cinema and trying very hard to concerntrate what was showing, it occurs to me, what if..

What if its him, what if you bumped into your buried past with his present life?? Like Carrie bumped into that ex-guy with his wife and baby..she kept smiling and was in full control though she avoided the introduction with the wife, yet she survived it with dignity.

Can I pull that off as smoothly as Carrie did?
Or..would I end up staring at him, gaping or gawking (GOD FORBID) like a complete idiot that I am..??

Or much worse break down at the sight of his happiness..??

All I know now, is that the very thought is making me nauseated. Honestly I feel like stopping typing this and head to the loo to actually puke.

But today was a good day, these past few days have been a good day...I hardly think of him.. He's not that perfect anymore. Slowly its beginning to sink in, he's my mistake. He's my worst mistake and I should stop it. Stop having and thinking him in my thoughts.

Then I surf around and found his blog. She's actually my link. My Miss Love Letter. Though the situation is different yet similar in a messed up way, she somehow is another example of a fine woman gone wrong. Gone very wrong and very dumb when it comes to men. So hooray!! I'm not the only dumb fool blind and absolutely idiotic when it comes to the men we love. Yup, he's my Mr Dublin, the man I love to hate.

No, I do not want to hate him, I just want to go on with my life without having any feelings whatsoever towards him. My heart is still beating, but my feelings for him has froze. Much better melts into oblivion. Gone in the black hole, kick the bucket or whatever. I am just so tired..so so tired..... of loving him.

A second chance.

2005-11-26T17:25:00.000+08:00

I'm still away and not home. Its been a working break. Its been lonely, coming back to the 'flat' brings back a lot of memories I wish to forget. Its only painful when my songs comes on air and when I lay alone in the dark. It seems as if only yesterday you were around here with your arms around me.

A lot has happened. My lawyer friends is currently going through a tough time with her partner. To walk or not to walk. It is sad if she chooses the path to end something she built 2 yrs ago. But then when we talked, I cant seem to find a better solution. How do you make a relationship work if only one side has to compromise and sacrifice while the other just received and criticised. I'm not sure how long I would have survived it all if its me. Being from the East Coast and coming from a similar close knit family as she, I cant imagine having someone who do not appreciate my family as I do. Despite all the pains and all the flaws my family is all I have and when I am most happy with. At times when families get together, i cannot imagine being alone. Even during the times when your heart is broken, the gatherings sumhow makes you feel less lonely. He may have left you but there are still people around you who loves you unconditionally..( i think laa...:-)).

When talking about me, I've realised this is the path I have chosen. Current partner have put me through all this and I have sumhow put him thru his own hell. Rather than walk away, I want to salvage this relationship. I think there is a way to work it out. When he came over and told me, this time he appreciates it when I told him abt Mr Dublin and this time he will try and change. I thought at that time it was just lip service but so far he has been true to his words.

Telling him abt Mr Dublin was hard but it was good for my soul. I feel as if a burden has been lifted off me and it feels good. We now communicate better. I really did not expect him to take it so well when I told him I love Mr Dublin but he has. Through tears and anger I blurt it all out. We were having one of those wild and horrible arguments. I was feeling frustrated and so so angry. I thought that was it and that was final. I will now go back to my single life. Ive done it this time. Its time for me to pack my bags and go. So it was quite shocking and it touched me when he said all this made him realised how much he do not want to lose me. I did not expect it at all. He caught me off guard. Although he was shocked and from his expression I know it must have killed him that day to know that there has been more than one person.
Silence was in the air and we did not talk for the whole day. It was the evening after that he held me while I tried to sleep and told me quitely that he appreciates that I came clean. Its hard not only for him but he knows that it is also hard for me. This sumhow convinced me that its worth another try. This is worth a second try...maybe this time it will be better. The storm subsides for awhile. maybe its time for me to enjoy the waves..

Walking Away

2005-10-31T20:17:00.000+08:00

Well...today I am retracting everything that I have written for the past few weeks. A few days ago that is. One day that is all it takes to have your dreams and hopes dashed into smithereens.

I backed out. I am walking out before he has the ability to hurt. Before he can suck in the happiness that I have worked so hard to achieve. I have never felt so desolate and so scared. Still, deep inside I know this is the best thing and the right move to make. I chickened out before you can even say the word "chicken" itself. Sad. Sad is my life.

I know I can give it a go and taste it. But I am not willing to pick up the pieces if it do not worked out in the end. For the umpteenth times I have also realised that some men can be so DENSE!!! SO blind and have absolutely no idea how some humans are born with emotions. How can he not realised that his mere words can trigger past pain and stirred hidden deep imbedded feelings. I have worked so hard NOT to let it show. Do we women have to spell it out word by word..???

SO much have left unsaid. If he cant see it, there is no other way that I am willing to say it. I am walking out. I am walking out before it is too late. Before things get in too deep.

I keep on telling myself it is for the fun of it, yet I know deep inside there is more to it that I am looking for. I feel so lost and so alone. Maybe we will meet again in another lifetime, under different circumstances. As for now, I am just not willing to risk my heart again. I am still bruised from my last encounter. Actually my heart is still there way in Dublin. I cant do it. I thought I would be strong enough to handle it but reality is..I am just not ready. Not yet.

He is to me my Beautiful Disaster.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, Lord it just ain't right

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

should I or shouldnt I...

2005-10-29T20:48:00.000+08:00

Before next month is over, I will make sure that I've taste my forbidden fruit..hehehe.

Yup, I have decided and I am putting it here in black and white. He is too hot for me to say No to. All I have to start doing right now is aim for the target. Most of all, I have to put matters of the heart behind me for now.

I have to be careful in order not to let any emotions get involved. It should only be physical.I have to plan everything down to the T. I mean, when am I ever gonna get to experience this moment ever again.

But then, now its a bit early, I might chicken out a the very last minute hehehe. That will be SO me. Im torn actually, to do it earlier or to wait. If I wait, it should be worthwhile waiting for. But what if I'll never have the chance again??? Shuckss...

I need to ponder on this a while longer. I am trembling by the mere idea of it. All I need is the excitement and fun, nothing more. Nobody will get hurt if nobody knows right???

Vunerable..

2005-10-28T00:25:00.000+08:00

I am at that stage in life when I am most vunerable. When you have experienced a loss and you are going out there grasping thin air hoping that you wil find support or replacement. Sad but that is the predicament that I am currently going through. It is scary but I still have to go through with it. Will I sense it before it happens? Or will it happen again and it will hurt all the same as if it has never happened before?

If you do not try and taste it, you will keep on wondering..

If you taste it, then you will risk everything that you have built so far...

It is worth the risk?

Or do you want to keep wondering for the rest of your life?

As you pause and try to decide which path to take, deep inside you know it will somehow lead you back to where you began.

Turn of events..hmm

2005-10-27T01:38:00.000+08:00

It is 10 am in the morning and can you actually believe it that I havent slept a wink since last night. I'm not sure because of the medication for this flu that I am taking or becuz I'm high. Yup we had another go with my hunky surfer dude. Guess what, he turns out to be quite deep and intense!! Damn. Damn. I was wishing that he'd be a himbo(male bimbo). Maybe because he was tired, or maybe becuz he took his time to warm up that our first conversation went so badly. Last nite, well this morning actually since we started around 1 am and ended around 2 plus hehehe..was absolutely fabulous!!!

I felt as if he changed, less tense and more talkative. He even shares a few intimate details..hehehe. The nicest thing was that when he said I cant believe I am telling you this, it is as if I have known you all my life. Gosh I was beaming from ear to ear. Thank God its not on MMS. I had fun, we were laughing and flirting outrageously. Shy but outrageous all the same. Now this is getting dangerous. All I want is to put Mr Dublin out of my mind and not find another cause for a heartbreak sheeeshh... My heart is still healing from the last time and here I am going for another heartbreak journey.

I have no idea why I keep doing this. Plus, I sense that this guy can do worse damage. Maybe because he is a nice guy, maybe because he is intense and I suspects that underneath all that smouldering, brooding personality, he is very passionate. Now there goes my warning bells very LOUDLY in my brain. BAD. BAD.

For the time being it is for the fun of it. Partner is coming back today, so I can sort of drift away from my smoldering hunky surfer dude hehehe..Still at the back of my mind I wonder what this will lead to. The last time I wanna have fun I ended up with my my heart splattered all over the sidewalk in thousand minuscule pieces. Until today I am still picking up some of the pieces and trying to put it all together again.

Intense, deep, brooding, unpredictable and horribly, outrageously sinfully SEXY what LETHAL combination. Lethal..absolutely lethal...

Me & My Hunky Surfer Dude

2005-10-23T17:10:00.000+08:00

He does not look this good. But then he comes very close to this guy. After months of emailing and playing it cool, he finally asked and I finally gave. A prepaid number purchased a few days before.

Trying to appear cool and non challant about the whole thing, we just textd each other for a week. Then, when I think I have had it and I absolutely have to hear the voice of the face and body, we talked.

He offered to call but didnt (insufficient credit..i wonder hmm..??) Anyway, since patiently waiting is certainly not one of my virtue I called. Nevertheless, good timing is not my friend too. Due to suddenly the week is pretty bz and the partner is coming back soon, time is limited. No more games, so when I called and he was going for a movie, I decided to wait but slept throughout. So the next night, which was this morning, he textd me askin me to call him in the wee hours of the morning. So finally we managed to chat. Me and the hunk at 4 bloody am. It was not hard to catch his attention since husky sexy voice of mine was going on so well. (for gods sake I just woke up).

The conversation and commentaries

1. He sounds like a BOY!!!He sounded so young. I know he is younger, but for god's sake not THAT young. Just a few months difference.Plus younger men are in anyway.Just look at Demi and Ashton!

2. He is not that crazy, quite grounded but most of all he didnt get my JOKES!! He was a bit blur. How I miss my Mr Dublin. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Lastly and most painfully, we had absolutely no chemistry. Although I can sense the mystery appeals to him. ( I'm impressed, you're different..hmm..??) He has absolutely no idea. But then, he asked the are you married or somethin. Sheeshh...and i froze. Changed the subject and moved on.

Sadly although he scored full marks on looks, he totally failed in the personality category. Still that was just one phone call, here's hoping for more. At least it was sort of exciting, somebody new and clandestine (cuz of the time). Wished he was a bit naughty. We were both in bed at 4 am and no sex was involved! This guy must be gay! He was talkative and quite curious. Still he failed to put my mind off Mr Dublin. Still miss him a lot. Found out he roams via Vodafone. Sheesh..I'm pathetic I know.

No more 4 am phone calls. Me having quite a bad flu due to late night and lack of sleep two nights in a row and I'm down.

OVER and OUT.

addicted to love

2005-10-21T23:19:00.000+08:00

" Now I can look at my romantic addiction and understand it for what it was. It was a fantasy of how I thought love ought to be. I was so desperate to be loved that I would become whatever the man wanted me to be and lose myself"

Taken from an excerpt of a book I am currently reading. I wonder if I am addicted to love. I think I am addicted to attention but then I am certainly not an attention seeker. I prefer to work behind the scenes. SO I havent found myself and I am certainly confused. Are you supposed to find urself when you are in your early twenties? late thirties? very late in age? When? Am I too late or am I too slow?

I had another fight with my other half. Every time we fight, I long to be held by my Dublin love. Is it the romance that is lacking which is why I long for another or is it becuz it is part of my nature. My inability to love and really love? Sometimes I feel that i have loved and I'm spent and tired because of the intensity of the emotions. Yet why do I keep on doing all these which threatens to destroy all that I have build up and sacrificed for..?? What is wrong with me? Why must love be so painful?

I believe that we cannot choose whom we love but we can choose who we want to marry. And not necessarily we marry the one that we love. Many will object but then that is what I truly believe. But then as time goes you will learn to love the one that you marry. But its a different kind of love. The love you had for your past love, the one who you let go or the one who got away is a different kind of love. Do you really know the person at all? Or is it because of the passions shared and deep longings involved that you are blinded by his faults. In whatever way, in your eyes, that love is perfect, complete and will always be untarnished by the harsh reality and turbulence of a real relationship.

p/s: Yesterday the Prime Minister's wife passed away. Never met her in real life but I am deeply saddened by her passing. I am currently making a living out of her passions and hard work, songket and batik. If its not for her, our batik and songket industry will not prosper as it is today. After the downfall who would have thought batik would ever recover again.It is aloss to the country. For a change, this lady not only supports her husband she contributes as much and will always be remembered in kind and love. My deepest condolence for the First family. I am also touched that Mdme President Gloria Macapagal, of Philippines took the time to attend the funeral. Hearfelt thank you on behalf of my fellow Malaysians.

I am angry...

2005-10-16T16:51:00.000+08:00

In the moment of anger, you spit out all the things you have been feeling pent up inside you.

In the moment of anger you feel that you just do not care what happened as long as you get the message across.

In the moment of anger you feel like smashing everything that comes your way.

In the moment of anger you do not care about whatever that person is feeling.. you just want it to hurt as much.

In the moment of anger whatever love you feel towards the person seems to melt away.

Anger is a terrible thing. But then when you have the time to reflect then you realised how you actually feel about everything. Deep inside.. what the turmoil and confusion is all about.

How to stay in a relationship when you do not feel love anymore?
How to go on forever if you dont think you feel the same way anymore?

How to stay together if all you feel towards the person is only anger. You lose sense of respect. Then you feel totally helpless. You are trapped in this hell which you started yourself in the first place. Then you starts to hate your life and everything around you. Your misery sucks every sunshine and rainbows around you. You are like a walking black hole..

How to convince that this will work out..?

How long can one convince that all of these is just a phase and one day it will go away??

How can one ever be happy again..?

I'm back..!!!

2005-10-06T13:05:00.000+08:00

Actually I've been back for a few days. Just in no mood to write. Been gone for a whole month. Wedding was chaotic but fun. Working with family members you've known your whole life well..only NOW you can say you really know them. Sheesh..just realised what a bunch of pretentious brats my cousins can be. But then I love em anyway. Life is weird I guess..

Although there were times I was so stressed out that I totally broke down. The thing is..it was not even MY WEDDING!!! That was how chaotic things were. In short to describe how last minute things were, the dressing table arrived one day before the actual wedding took place!

All and all, it was amazing, maybe with God's grace everything went quite well. There were glitches here and there but then it was kinda fun.

In the middle of the chaos, HE called. Its totally amazing my Mr Big. of all the times. I thought, well he went off to Dublin thats it. End of story. Time to close the chapter. I'm in KL for a month and it'll be easier to forget now that I am here and not at home. But Hey, the voice message went something like this..Hi Mie, Its me calling from Dublin. Hi. Hows things. Im trying to settle down here. I'm sorry to say I misplaced your email add, can you mail me at ...

I thought the moment he stepped on Heathrow, he'd totally forget my first name. I'd never thought he'd took the trouble to call. So sweet. See, there I go. It is so easy to make me forget aint it. Actually hearing his voice when one was stressed out and feeling quite low at that time kinda helps. I listened to the voice message over and over again just to cheer meself up. I am such a dope I know. I'm a dope and I'm PROUD OF IT!! I DONT CARE..this is my bloody blog and I can be a dope if I want to. Wow! now that I write..its kinda hard to stop.There, enuff rambling for today.

I am Counting down the Days

2005-08-29T12:02:00.000+08:00

Lawyer friends message to me..."I know you are sad, but come to think about it..isnt it better this way?Now you can put him out of your life once and for all"

Why is it the best solution to this problem is to put him away for life? In this game of love that is the mandatory sentence that I have to put up with. How do you put a person you are so in love with out of your life? By having him move a million miles away? STand in the rain just to see him walk hand in hand with that leggy blonde and gritting you teeth and swallowing your pain at the same time? By having the courage to listen to all the songs until you get sick of it? Maybe after a while it won't mean much afterall.

Whatever the solutions I am going through the motion in such a slow pace that I feel like putting a gun to my head just to get it out of my mind.

After a while..I'll be singing this tune I guess...

Counting down the Days by Natalie Imbruglia

You were right
And I don’t wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen

I’ll hold tight
I’ll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter

There’s no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

How’ve you been
It’s just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every days without you

Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you

I feel cold
I’m in the dark
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

I’m counting down the days
I’m counting down the days

I’m gonna be your surprise
I’m gonna hold you so tight

Yeah

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I’d hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

Ramblings

2005-08-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

I Want to be with you
I want you to be a part of me
I want to hold out
And be able to touch and have you near me

Sometimes words are just not enough
Sometimes I wish that you would understand
It may look easy but it is actually quite tough
This broken heart of mine may never mend

I want to have you close
To be able to recognise your scent just like before
Those tender kisses on my nose
Will I ever be getting those anymore...

How I wish wherever you go I can just follow
And I'll get rid of this emptiness and hollow
How lost I feel now that we are not together
Werent we suppose to be forever..??

FOR REAL

This time it is for real
This time you are really going away
This time I think I will never heal
I am breaking up like pieces of clay
We have gone through this before
We chose to part late last year
Why do I feel this time its different
Why do I think that I cannot take this anymore
In my perfect dream we are together
In my perfect dream I have you near
In my perfect dream nobody got hurt when we promise forever
But then I woke up and realised
This time you are gone for real

He left this morning..

2005-08-27T16:11:00.000+08:00

Hi baby. My flight is 8am, Saturday morning.

Yup that was it. The last msg. We had a short chat last night. Sheeshh..I was an idiot. I was trying so hard to sound cheerful that I think I came across as really idiotic. Who cares. This morning he left. Me cant call cuz pardner is home. Today I feel like a zombie. Cant even sleep last night and woke up really early. I woke up before 8 and stared at the watch until in turned 8am. I think I am officially losing my mind.

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yg terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Why are we such fools when it comes to the men we love....

2005-08-27T08:48:00.000+08:00

I cant deal with it. After days of moping around and trying my best to hold my head up high, I have finally realised that I cannot handle it. I cannot take it that he is leaving. I know we are no longer together. I mean if he is moving to another state or if he is going away for a few days it is ok. Now he is leaving for good. Well he just might. He is going to another country thousand of miles away. Dublin is so far. Why Dublin? Why work there? Well the further apart we are is the better. When we are together we do nothing but messed up each other's lives.

I love him soooooooo much. My heart aches at the thought of him away. I cannot do this. I do not know how to deal with this.. I am a smart woman. I have achieved quite a lot despite the odds stacked up against me. Why am I such a fool when it comes to him.I am absolutely pathetic when it comes to this guy. He who has done nothing but messed up my head. He who stabbed me in the heart so many million times. The man who manage to let me risk and I am not even a risk taker in the FIRST place!! I risked everything..absolutely everything for this bald headed guy. I dont even fancy bald headed bloke.But now my heart skips a beat everytime I see one on the street.

We will now proceed with our lives. Going on our separate ways. I know I will never see him again. I hope not. I have had it with this Mr Big and Carrie relationship. He is here and then he is gone. Only when I thought I am better he is back again. I cannot deal with this anymore. I am such a fool!! I have gone through this before. I have patched up and mend my broken heart and washed away all the pain on my own. I am sick and tired of doing it over and over again. The hardest thing was to put up this act and pretend that everything is just fine in front of the world when my heart is actually in pieces.

Nothing sums up how the pain is tearing up my heart than the lyrics of this Indonesian song. No matter what I always put him on a pedestal. No matter what crap he gives me..in my eyes he is always perfect. I love you Mr Eisa..love love love you...and I'll be damned for it. I just know it.

Ku katakan indah

Ku katakan indah dengan terbuka hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah...
Mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Kau hancurkan hatiku tak tertahan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope one day our path wil cross again and I'll be much older and wiser just to turn away. And I hope by that time, it will not hurt anymore. No more pain. No more feelings.

He is leaving...

2005-08-23T21:34:00.000+08:00

Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road

Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway, baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are

Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe off beads of sweat
Slowly you say, I'm not there yet

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, but can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

This is the song I made love to. Yep, I have a confession. I have a secret and he is my secret. I cheated. I cheated on my partner for him. We made love and this song by MAroon 5 was in the background. This song and the song She Will Be Loved. I have been thinking about him these past few days. Yet when I received the SMS I was still surprised. Surprised that he still want to have anything to do with me.

He is leaving to further his studies. That was the news he conveyed. It is not as if we kept in touch but still I feel a sense of loss. An emptiness in my heart. I want to reach out and as I reach out I grasp nothing but thin air. That is how I feel. We cannot be together. We will hurt so many people if we ever get together>Yet not being able to see, hear him and touch him hurts so bad. After all these while, I thought the pain had somehow melted away. Today I was proved wrong. The heart still longs. The passion still burns. Do I still love him? No doubt about that. I cant even type, he can still bring tears to my eyes. I guess although we are no longer together I know, he is still around. Now he is leaving. Somehow, this farewell seems more definite and final.

What it used to be like...

2005-08-19T22:48:00.000+08:00

Well it was great, it was exhilarating and liberating. With you I was someone else. For a while I came out of the cocoon. I had a great time.Despite the odds, we had fun.

I wonder if one day we bumped into each other..how is it gonna be like. He still have the number. We fought through that number. We arranged to meet up for our rendevous through that number. We had phone sex with that number. I cried through that number. I hanged up on him through that number. I told him I loved him through that number too..

And guess what..he still keeps the number. Wish I didnt know about this. Wish I had no idea about it. The weird thing is I felt relieved when I knew he kept the number. Its just a number but it meant a lot.

I see Frankie J and I see you. I wish its you. I still remember how you taste like and how you smell. How prickly your bald head used to feel under my hands. But I loved it anyway. Well out of our relationship, the only thing that can be salvaged out was just that number. A celcom 019 number. Just a number. Quite a nice number actually. Easy to remember. Hard to forget.

Mother Daughter

2005-07-31T21:03:00.000+08:00

Today I managed to catch the Oprah Prime Time show where she interviewed Maria Shriver and Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thats Mrs Terminator and her mom. Today's show is all about mother daughter relationship and these two people are one of the best mother daughter team I have ever seen or read or heard for that matter. I mean firstly the have never had a mother daughter fight. NEVER!! Wow thats amazing.

I mean these people are the Kennedys and I would have thought with all the scandals and problems we read we'd thought that they'd be a bit dysfunctional. But no, actually they are a model family and I really like the tips they gave and one day when I have kids of my own I'd read back on this blog and take up all these pointers.

Some of the things mentioned in the show were :-

* All of their children are constantly giving or servicing the people. This is because materials are not a topic which is discussed in the house but what they plan to do with their life and their contributions to the society (er..these are some of the daily topics which were discussed during meal times..phew..)

* There were also pictures of children all over the world, under privilaged and malnourished all over the house to remind them of how lucky they are to have their life compared to others in some parts of the world.

* Meal times are important. Each and everyone of the family members must make it a point to eat together and have 'family time' together. None of the children have personal lines or tv in their room. This is so that they can watch tv together and have more family time together. Plus the children also do chores.

* It is not what we have in life (material things) which is important but what we have achieve in helping others are what success are made of.

* Well behaved women never made history :-))

* When we made a mistake, do not take it as 'our life is over' it is just that our life has altered a bit. We have to keep going on and make the best out of it.

* Eunice Shriver came up with Paralympics which gave new meanings and hope to a lot of special people all over the world.

I really admire them, their spirit of giving and contributing to make the world a better place is not just sweet talk. As we can clearly see they have done a lot and have played key roles in organising numerous charity events and organisations.

This particular episode touched me and forever I now see them in a new light and have greater respect to these American Royalties.

Memories...

2005-07-31T00:58:00.000+08:00

I just realised how very much affected I still am to those songs. So today I made the move to compile a collection of my mp3. All the songs that used to mean so much. I heard one of the song and out of the blue the memories came rushing back. Hits me like some tidal wave. I cant let this go on. So I compiled everything so that I can keep on listening to it. Soon I will be immune to it. I believe I'll be able to do it. Since the break up, this is the first time I'm listening to it..soon it will stay that way. As a memory. It will not hurt anymore. I do so believe. Because now I am moving on. I am.

Here I am..

2005-07-05T05:50:00.000+08:00

Managed to typed in my two pence only lose it in a flash. What a bummer. Anyway, yesterday I found out my Dr No is gettin married in December. I dunno whether to laugh or to cry. By midnight the shock sort of wore off. I knew it was coming yet..when the news finally came its another thing. But then, I think I am sort of prepared in a way..So my Dr No is now a DR NO NO...hehehe

When I found out..this song came on air..hmm a matter of coincidence or its a sign..:-))

BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES -KELLY CLARKSON

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I do have hazel eyes...

Under the Tuscan Sun

2005-06-27T15:06:00.000+08:00

I'm always a sucker for a feel good movie. Just finished watching Under the Tuscan Sun on SMV. I love feel good movies with a dash of Italian romance or a taste of Parisian passion. This movie reminds me of French Kiss (my ultimate feel good movie), Only You, the one with Marisa Tomei. That was during my school days and I was totally crazy about her in her pixie haircut and that sexy red dress. After watching that movie, told myself before I die, I have to go to Tuscany. Drive a mini and go xplore the countryside.

Now here I am, yet to achieve that dream. Yet I have faith that not so far in the future, yes I will be in Tuscany with my man.

When I was a teenager, I like reading all those 'Things you shud do before you turn 20'. I like to tick on the things I have never done and dared myself to finish up the list. However now im in my twenties and being 30 is very near in the future I find myself wondering why is it I cant even do half of those things in the list. I am scared that I will not make it. What if I turn 30 and I cant manage to finish the list.. Will I make it? Or my priorities have totally changed? Have I changed so much that I do not even recognise myself?? People see me and think that I have everything. That I am going through the motion what I am suppose to be doing when they get to my age. Still, I'm the one who is going through the motion and believe me there are loopholes everywhere in my so called life.

Now..this is making me really depressed. I just wanna go to Tuscany. I really do.

Tom Cruise...

2005-06-25T01:57:00.000+08:00

I'm jotting this down as I'm watching Letterman interviewing Tom Cruise. I just dont get it.. of all the beautiful ladies and he chooses Katie Holmes??? Well..maybe there's more to her than a teenage soap star who-is trying to make it big by flashing her boobs wenever she can.

Today I say send off my little to bro who got a place in Queen E Hospital in KK. Yup, another doc in the family. Kinda sad ...to me, he'll always be my baby brother. My mom is taking it quite badly..sheeshhh...he's coming back in August for his convo, so it wont be long and we'll be seeing him soon.

I'm still keeping in touch with my Dr No altho he's a complete no no after THE incident a few weeks ago. But then, I just need to know..i cant keep on wondering forever..

2005-05-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

I've been pretty bz for these past few days. Lotsa stuff has happens. My Dr No is back. He is still giving me the cold shoulder. What the heck but then I like his messages..cute and funny. I have this really bad feeling that he has mixed feelings about me. Well..who can blame him..

I think its about time I change my business, maybe I should go into these wedding stuff. I think I'd be much better at it. I dunno. I'm still so not sure what is it that I really wanna do. I got a job offer. Still, I have no idea whether I want to accept it.

I still missed Mr Fly. I got rid of a lots of stuuff in house in order to erase unwanted memories..NOT WORKIN. Eternal shunshine of the Spotless mind...hmm

The Keys to My heart

2005-05-17T23:30:00.000+08:00

How ironic is this analysis..go figure.. though I had already entered for today..here's another I jUST haD to put it on..more for myself..a stark reminder of fiction and reality.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

My Star Wars Horrorscope...hehehe

2005-05-17T23:17:00.000+08:00

I found this on the net..heheh interesting and really cool..hehehe..though people out there who dont really know me...dont believe all that you read k..

Its a few more days till the LAST Star WArs...and all my loved ones are gonna be watching it with me..yahoo!!! Cant Wait!!!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you.
Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you.
You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle.

Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Dark clouds in the sky...

2005-05-17T16:29:00.000+08:00

Today somehow the weather is echoing my feelings and my mood. I'm so down..and I'm down with fever once again. I dont know why but lately I get sick really easily.
Got a party to go tonite but with my current condition I think I have to let it pass though the idea of Meditreannean food is so hard to let go..

Soleil is also down, which makes today a lonelier day. Ironically we found out together that the man of our dreams recently got married to a really lovely girl in a similarly lovely wedding ceremony...since school days he was THE guy..cuteness with brains sheesh..now some girl got him. If she was like drop dead ugly or dropdead gorgeous it wont hurt so much but she is soooooo sweet and seems so nice that we just cant hate her. Plus she is one of those beauty with brains and she is just..well..so nice and sweet. Just right for him...So it was not surprising that both of us came down with a really bad fever after we found out. Bot of us are so down today that you have to dig deep to get us out of this rut. Plus my Dr No is still away..bosan...I sort of miss him. In a friendly kinda way. He can be quite boring and irritating but he is nice, well.. he's nice to me.

I went to a piano recital the other day which was absolutely enchanting. What a lovely evening we had. The pianist was Polish and dedicated the recital to his dead son. He even paused and shed a few tears in memory of his dead son. His son, a medical student who died at the age of 24. How tragic. It was touching and lovely. He ended the recital with a melodious French piece, something on Nightingale. (Yes..I was invited to the recital and was totally ignorant of the pianist's works..an embaressment yup it is..) When he was playing it all we can see was nightingale flying and singing all around us. It was absolutely beautiful. I felt as if time stopped and the world was at peace for once. An enchanting evening indeed.

My evening..

2005-05-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

I want to live a life without regrets. That is my wish. I do admire all those people who have done so. i know you actually can do it. I remembered this guy who actually wrote a book about it. One of the things he did was to call back this lady who was in highschool with him and asked her out about 30 years later! well..at least..he tried :-))

Today went to watch the Indonesian movie, Tentang Dia. All girls outing. Needless to say at a time such as today, the movie was a wrong choice. Its sooooo depressing.!!! Still, I like the way its done, a bit slow but the cinamatography was quite good. Well compared to local movies, let us not even go there. Other than PGL and Sepet I dont even bother. Im also not really into Indon movie..cuz I cant understand the language, thank god for subtitles.

Anyway, about Tentang Dia, the story is mostly about relationships. Relationships between a girl wth another girl, a girl with her peers, a girl and a boy. I like the way it was potrayed. It is all about relationships just at different angles. How a girl is happier being with another girl instead of being with a boy who was willing to go to great lengths to make her happy. How deep a girlfriend can hurt you and how a man can break you.. I like it. It is full of those little things between the lines. Given a chance to give an analysis of a scene from the movie, I think I'd have a great time writing about it even if its just a ten minutes scene.

My morning..

2005-05-11T22:22:00.000+08:00

I slept at Soleil's place today. Came back via cab. Scary ride you see. The driver had long talons and was leering through the rear mirror. Images of rape murdered bodies came to mind. Sheesh..too much imagination. I was relieved to finally got home. He kept saying 'manisnya..' and it was not flattering at all, as the matter a fact it was dead scary.

I still remembered the last time an old Chinese driver refused to let my hand go as I gave him the fare. That was scary too.Whats with me and cab drivers. Kept having these types of experiences with them. Whats with old Chinese drivers..they always like me..in a scary sort of way. Why cant those cute Chinese boys I see at the LRT notice me the same way..hehehe..that I wont mind at all.

My Dr No is away again. He is always away. I am honestly using him as a distraction tool. To distract me from the inevitable. Well, so that I wont think about those who do not deserve to be remembered in a nice way. As in Peterpan's lyrics..
No matter what , you are never wrong
Despite what you did
I still think so highly of you.
Sentiasa meninggikan mu

It is so true as in the French saying, when a woman falls in love, the heart fills up and the head empties. Hmm..maybe I should ask my Dr No whether this is scientifically applicable. Based on a recent research this is somewhat true. How sad..how very sad..

My questions.. are finally answered

2005-05-08T16:50:00.000+08:00

My guts was telling me that whatever that I felt..has happened. another double entry for today. He is seeing someone else. he has moved on. I should too.

Why do I feel like my heart is crushed all over again. Damn. Why is it that I still feel it. My heart is still aching. Why do I still feel all this. I know for sure I can handle this. Actually one thing I realized is that you never know how much you really love a person until you lost him. Then you just know. You just realized that gosh I am capable, I am capable of really loving a person.

He called..

2005-05-08T16:27:00.000+08:00

Its been a while since I last logged in. Connection was cut off for a few days and I nearly suffocated. A lot has happened. These past few days has resulted in a chain of events that has somehow enlightened me in a way.

I wondered and I felt it, however I never expected the ghost from my past to actually come back to haunt me again. He called.

However, some things never changed. He called and yet he said all the wrong things again. Though this time I'm stronger. I guess it is good that he called. Now more than before I know I did the right thing. It would never worked out. He will never change. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much I want him back i know that the reality is very different from what I like it to be.

I'm at peace now. Though at times I do miss him. I miss his kisses and his touch. The intimacy that we shared were so intense and passionate and so hard to forget. I know if given the chance to turn back time, I would not change what I had done. I'd still be me. No doubt the chemistry was stronger compared to others, that was why it lasted that long...

Ironically our song is suddenly being played right at this moment..She will be loved by Maroon 5. I do believe that I will be loved and that I wll love again..someday..

Double entry

2005-05-01T02:40:00.000+08:00

Today I have got issues. Issues I just feel like writing it down. Someone told me that Im incapable of real love. Of loving whole heartedly. Today I stand in time, and im thinking the depth and the truth of this statement. Coming from someone very close to me she might be right. there might be some truth to it..yet how does she knows the matters of the heart, of mine in particular when I , myself am not so sure.

Im here with him because he is the logical partner and not because of love??Is it? Am I that cold that Im incapable of expressing true love? I dont thinks so.

But then, I have this thing abt being forthright abt how you feel. To express love somehow..I feel is a sign of weakness.If a person knows that you are in love, that person can really hurt you. I feel that he knows your weakness. Faling in love is a huge risk... a huge risk to your heart, mind and soul.

A few years back, I lost my dad. coming from a close and big family, everyone grieved in their own way. Me, I decided that I put on this thinking that he is not really gone, he is here with us. His memory will live on. The pictures, the jokes, his teachings and guidance will always be with us. He will forever be a part of it. I refused to accept that he is really gone. I resent the mourning and grieveing and I always feel uncomfortable when people around me starts to cry and emotionally express their grief or something like that. I totally erased the date and time of death and still have a hard time remembering the date till today. I think it took me years to say that and realised that he is really gone and he is just not coming back.Yet no matter how long it has been, it is still hard.

My family thinks im cold and insensitive. Yet I do cry when Im alone and I weep for a loss which left such an impact on my heart. But I still feel that if I tell or even show how much I care for a person, that person can leave and hurt me..Im bare and open to his will and it is as if Im giving him this power to really hurt me. So before He does, usually I just took off. Yet, in current circumstances, I just cant. Im stuck here. Ihave to face this and work it out.

Tough day today...

2005-04-30T01:09:00.000+08:00

I think i need a break. I really do.

Today is the day when one realized that one is just a mere mortal and the heart is a wild thing to control. hmm its a bit too much to handle in a day .

To have this feeling again, to feel for something which is not only out of reach but utterly forbidden. I'm not good at this. For a while, I just want to run off. Something I've been doing all the time. Thats my utmost problem actually not to be able to face it. To look at my problem in the eye and actually handling it. Its too soon. Me, being vunerable from the last time might have caused this.

The heart sometimes do things that you thought would never do. In my case, It looks as if it has a mind of its own. I know Im feeing something, I do not know what or how but I feel it.. I look into the eyes and I can see it.

My heart is not broken but its sad by the turn of events. Im sad. I wish we had met in another lifetime. in another world. As the song says, our union now, not only will hurt us but also everyone else around us. To be together, we can only be together in our dreams..yup I can so totally relate to it..

I'm still sick...

2005-04-27T19:40:00.000+08:00

I'm still having my cough after 2 weeks..sheeshh.. That is why I always hate it if I get it. It gets so bad..and it takes its time to heal..there goes my sexy voice. Cant sing now, can only croak. Well..as if I've been singing anyway..heheh. Me, the mikefreak.

Had another huge argument wth doc razes. Really hate it. He can be so bloody judgemental. What is it with men who thinks they are so intelligent and is always right... So far experience have taught me that proffessionals sucks at emotional intelligence. They have no emotions actually...

My problems is nothin compared to the crisis that my family is in. That is why I hate talkin abt it. Sometimes I feel like i'm gonna burst. Today though,I did not break down..which is totally amazing..see i am getting stronger. All this will pass. Time will heal all the hurt and confusion. Sheessshh..easier said than done. But really I am made of better stuff..

Im not that strong afterall..

2005-04-27T16:46:00.000+08:00

I've never felt this way before, its not in me to feel..well to throw in the towel, to stick out the white flag...before it even started...to lose hope.

But today..i do not even want to hope. I just want it to go away..I want him to go away. Theres sumthin there, its different this time. I feel it deep inside and it scares the hell out of me. I cant do it. I just cant do it again. I'm not strong enough for this.

Its so easy to misinterpret when you are vunerable. Its so easy to melt when people act as if they care. I bet he really doesnt. Why would he?

This is why I have to let go. I have to give him up and never talk or see him again..just in case. It'll be worse. Worse than the last time. Rebound thats all it is.

Im admitting that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And you know what I just dont care. Soulmates..i believe in it..I believe that there are out there..you're just not suppose to be together...yet you are connected. No matter what you are binded..you'll never forget but you are not together, then they cant hurt you and they'll remain soulmates.

doesnt matter if it doesnt make sense..it make sense to me..

Look what I found

2005-04-27T02:54:00.000+08:00

Its dated sometime in the year 2000.. I'm posting it here because I really love the movie and the coincidence is just too much. I like it, i like his thoughts and how his mind works...sigh.

A**** H****A***** (eluid@csv.warwick.ac.uk), a University Student in England, March 6, 2000,

Reworking The American Dream

We could perhaps argue that modern life, wherever it is situated, is seriously flawed. Flawed in the sense that our hopes and dreams are always sacrificed in the name of practicality. Thus our hopes and dreams always remain as they are - Mere hopes and dreams. October Sky is about not sacrificing those hopes and dreams in the name of reality and practicality and to aspire for something more. Hickam's journey, as difficult as it may seem, is a journey that we all make, albeit at our own pace and in our ways. His experience is first and foremost, human and his success is always coupled with failures. We have always been bombarded with the ideal of the American Dream, of its failings and limitations. October Sky reworks that dream and reminds us that all human dreams are inherently good, that in us lies the ability to become more than what we are. Hickam reminds us of this in his autobiography when he prevailed in making his hopes and dreams a reality, and to realise our greatest human potential - To learn and to achieve. As idealistic as the novel might seem, it is realistic in its presentation of the American Dream and the human experience. Hickam's sentimentality is not a flaw as some would perceive, he is merely retelling his story through his own eyes and heart. Finally, October Sky is about living and doing things. It is about learning and achieving, sometimes with the help of others, most of the time, alone. It is about the human capacity to change for the better. There's a bit of Hickam in all of us, and there's a bit of all of us in Hickam. Such is the power of the prose in October Sky, that we are all human, after all.

Hope and dreams are sacrificed in the name of practicality..well in my case I gave it all up for a new responsibility. I feel as though all my dreams were dashed by all the changes and this transition that I am going through. I might never find my way back. I feel stuck in a rut..I really do

That someone....

2005-04-25T15:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life, you have that little someone who can make you smile when you feel rock bottom. Who does it for you..?

Me my little niece, no matter how bad things are..she never fails to make me smile with her antics.

Today however, somebody else made me smile..hmm... These days its sort of hard to bring a smile to my face, lots of things on my mind. But he did. Hmm.. I do not know why but believe me its scary. Why should i be so happy, he is nothin but a friend.. an acquiantance actually not even a real friend.

I guess when one went through hell and is still picking up the pieces from happenings in the past, a little concern and kindness is just too much. Its vunerability, its longing..yep that's it. It must be that. Anyway, a smile is all I'm willing to give for now. Nothing else. I need to get myself together first. Need to write more. I feel a bit rusty. Havent been writing for so long. My brains feel slow and numb. Dan brown is so good for me..for he makes my brain go on a spin so fast i find it hard to catch up..i just finished angels and demon. I'm gonna find digital fotress and begin another journey of mind numbing mysteries. That's the thing with dan brown's book, its a mixture of fictions and reality and somehow..everything he says make complete sense. It does not sound like fiction at all and the ending..pheww..

Dan covers all his tracks, not a stone goes unturned. Fabulous, fabulous writer..he's my idol.

I am so scared of waking up one day, and finding myself unable to write or to discuss intellectual things..to be in that category that i despise most to be slow and not articulate.To be vunerable and open to sarcasm. Unable to come back with a clever retort..to have the final say. That is my fear. That and all these which are happening will somehow kill my confidence and my faith..

I pray that God will make me strong no matter what comes my way...

I am no longer bitter..

2005-04-24T01:20:00.000+08:00

Yup..that was what I wrote. Hi, how are you. I just want to tell you that I am no longer bitter, just sad..

Now come to think of it, I sound so..like well such a loser..sheeeshh. I do so regret it. But then its way too late now.

I am currently in transition, having to handle all these changes in my life and having a ghost from the past hovering at the back of my mind constantly despite all my efforts to forget has not been easy. But as a matter of fact, I am no longer bitter. Do I miss him, of course I still do. Do I wish him dead..er nope..well I still want to break his leg but naaah.. I know myself, I'd never hurt him even if I had the chance to do so. I am this way..I wanna be a bitch badly, but I guess its just not in my nature...yet still that does not make me an angel.

Relationship..I'm so scared now. An old friend I met want to know more and offered his shoulder to cry on. But although on friendly terms, intimacy scares me now. The mere touch brings lots a memories I would rather forget. A mixture of pleasure and pain. Yep, it is confusing indeed..to quote Alicia Keys, how could someone who gave you so much pleasure cause you so much pain..

Some days, when I get so busy..I hardly think about it..some days..like today, he is all around me. Memories so fresh..I feel as if I can still smell him.

One thing too, after all these time..its still hurts. I still get lump in my throat on lonely days. Rainy days it get worse. Although I promised not to write about it, this is the only way, the best way actually for me to ease the pain..the longing and the loss that I feel. Today is one of the worse actually. Maybe it will get better from here..yup it surely will. I have to make it better

Sensitive Men..The New Breed.

2005-04-11T03:28:00.000+08:00

What is it with sensitive men...? Today my issue is with sensitive men. Is it a new age kinda thang..? All I wanted was a friend to share and the next thing I know, he freaked out on me.

Sheesh.. I thought I am the one who needed comfort, why am I comforting him, my so-called friend. Amazingly for a 'academician and psychologist' he seems pretty blurred. Was I too harsh? Was it me? Is there something here that I failed to read and understand? Sometimes I think I am a bit frank and outspoken for most men. But that's the way I am, I have to let it all out or I think I'll just burst. I am not pretentious...and I hope will never be.

I thought he can help, with his background I thought he'd understand the situation. It takes a lot for a person to open up and when she does, she feels vunerable and is much in need of comfort. Is that so hard a for a man to understand? Certain things that women says she dont really mean it or maybe you just need to read between the line honey...

I mean there I was wallowing in self pity, and trying to make myself feel better at the same time and all he can respond is to state another case of another friend a 'pretty and cute friend' he has to add. When a woman is depressed and down all she can think about is ME! ME! ME! I mean I dont care if the world is coming to an end at that moment in time for heaven's sake I just want you to listen and not blab about other people's problem in another world. I mean is that so hard to see...

He said he wanted to help. WAnted. In other words now he is just not interested in helping. Why are you a shrink in the first place..Sheeshh...Maybe I should pay him...but then he'd say I'm insulting him..sheeesshh..Why me..?..Why me..?

Why?

2005-04-03T01:22:00.000+08:00

I am doing my very best to transform. To start over, to begin on a clean new slate. So things have been okay but not fine. I am still not fine. My heart still aches at night but I know I'll get over it. I know i will. So much for new hair and new evrythin. Aint workin out that simple. Not as simple as i thought. .hmm

Just because my girlfriend called and told me she thinks she bumped into him. He who owed me my sanity as well as my heart. I am still in search of that heart of mine. It is a bit fragile and can be a bit dumb when it comes to cute guys but it is still mine and I WANT IT BACK!!!!

I can change my location, my hair, my accent even my way of life and my so called routine yet..I just cant change my heart..sheeshh.. and today I broke my promise by putting this in black and white..I should not. I am suppose to go on and what happened before was supposed to 'never even happened in this new blog.."

Only God knows how much this hurts..

Here and back again...

2005-03-31T15:36:00.000+08:00

11:36 PM

So much for starting a new blog..

I hardly had the time to log in. Scary stuff has been happening all around. Is God trying to tell us something? Are all these hints of what to come? Should we expect more? Are we not thankful of the things that we have around us?

Actually looking around us, reading the news these days is actually a chore. CSI cases everywhere. Bodies found in the river, in the bush in a burnt car etc. What if we get immune by all these stuff we read? What type of society and human beings that we have become? Whatever happens to our values?

Ahh..questions and questions..yet no answers. You might have the answer and others may disagree but the bottomline is..what are we doing about it? Is it enough? Do we even care?

New Entry and A New beginning

2005-03-16T15:43:00.000+08:00

New blog, new start... new hair..new everything. I feel like im on the witness protection programme. But that is what I plan to do. I plan to get rid of my past and start anew. Life will be seen from another perspective. I will try and make the best of what I have. Probably try my best to have more in life and not feel guilty about it.I feel like a new person. I have finally ended everything that is negative in my life. I am not saying that this is easy, it is even scary come to think of it, but it is about time. To leave whatever was familiar to you and to embrace change. Sometimes this is the only way to accept it, the transitions in your life..it happens whether you want or you like it or not, it happens. I will make the best out of my life..I will beat this thing.This thing which overwhelms you and make you feel like you are not in control. I will make it go away.