Im here with him because he is the logical partner and not because of love??Is it? Am I that cold that Im incapable of expressing true love? I dont thinks so.
But then, I have this thing abt being forthright abt how you feel. To express love somehow..I feel is a sign of weakness.If a person knows that you are in love, that person can really hurt you. I feel that he knows your weakness. Faling in love is a huge risk... a huge risk to your heart, mind and soul.
A few years back, I lost my dad. coming from a close and big family, everyone grieved in their own way. Me, I decided that I put on this thinking that he is not really gone, he is here with us. His memory will live on. The pictures, the jokes, his teachings and guidance will always be with us. He will forever be a part of it. I refused to accept that he is really gone. I resent the mourning and grieveing and I always feel uncomfortable when people around me starts to cry and emotionally express their grief or something like that. I totally erased the date and time of death and still have a hard time remembering the date till today. I think it took me years to say that and realised that he is really gone and he is just not coming back.Yet no matter how long it has been, it is still hard.
My family thinks im cold and insensitive. Yet I do cry when Im alone and I weep for a loss which left such an impact on my heart. But I still feel that if I tell or even show how much I care for a person, that person can leave and hurt me..Im bare and open to his will and it is as if Im giving him this power to really hurt me. So before He does, usually I just took off. Yet, in current circumstances, I just cant. Im stuck here. Ihave to face this and work it out.
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