Im writing again. Is it a good or a bad thing...

This blog...is my therapy. I thought I have healed and well and off this so called "meds". But lately, its a need again. Ive lost Soleil. Well we sort of went our separate ways. Its been more than a year. I was happier. I had other friends. Life have changed for the better and me and my other half is now very happy together.

Then..I got sick.

I had to be quarantined for more than a week. Those days when I was in pain and lying half drugged made me think. Probably it was the loneliness and feeling of death. I dunno what it was but it was really bad. Suddenly I start thinking about my past and all my past sins. What have I done? Will I ever recover from my mistakes? Will I ever forget?

When I recovered, I went out with girls. And somewhere along the way, I find myself staring into space. I can't speak no more. They have moved on other things. Things which I have nothing in common with. I'm not in this world anymore. Although I joined the chat and laughter, but deep inside i feel so alone. I miss Soleil. Sometimes in this world there is that one friend you can talk to and no one is the same and that is what she was to me. But what happened was so painful and I refuse to turn back. She made me cautious. She made me regret. She is now the reason why I have all this trust issues. It is so hard to open up and speak and to share again. I tried with my other half but he just don't get it and we end up arguing about it. The fact that I can speak to Soleil and not be able to share it with him is something he just cannot comprehend and he feels dejected by it.

So as I lie here today. All I can think is I need to write again. I need to express myself and get it all out. As I read my past postings and I cannot believe how miserable I was when I was writing all those things.

But now, I am happier. Still a bit lonely at times. But I blame it on the hormones these days. Just those time of the month. But I do miss Soleil. And I so so miss Butterfly. Once in awhile I still dream of him. I even wake up with tears on my cheek. How corny is that... or is it just sad...