I bid you adieu..

How apt that today of all the day, I found an entry, a final entry in my diary which I started when I was in my teens. It was how we first met. I'm putting it in this blog so that it wont be lost. There was no date. Just an entry in pencil.

" You were my mistake. Yet I cannot put you out of my mind. We met in the middle of a crowded flea market. I was going through the trinkets and I felt someone looking at me. I looked up and our eyes met and I thought, he's cute. That is one stall I will stop by.

I walked on and there you were having conversation with well..my other half. Trying not to be obvious and not to arouse any suspicion, I walked on. My heart was thumping wildly and I just cant figure out why. The fact that I was being really naughty. It was all supposed to be playful and harmless. It was a hot day but I was feeling super giddy with cold sweats on my forehead. I had no idea that the day would forever change me.


I went back in a circle until I came back to your stall and there was my other half puffing his cigar away. I tried my best to avoid your eyes but the moment you said hi and the conversation turned to you, our eyes were like stuck to each other. I can feel him looking and observing us. I can feel how inappropriate it was. But never in my life I felt like glued and I just cant take my eyes away. I knew I was grinning like an idiot and for that brief moment, it is as if the sounds just died away and there was just us. Up till today I still cant remember what exactly you were saying. It was as if you were speaking some foreign language. Nothing seems to matters and it was just us. 
Something just clicked that day.


I wanted to take your business cards which were laid on the table but thought otherwise. U were constantly at the back of my mind that a few days later I went through his cards and found yours. The name was a bit classical so I thought to myself if it turns out to be the boss, I'd just hang up.


He picked up. I tried to jog his memory by saying I was  at the flea market thinking that he'll never remember me. For God's sake it was a weekend flea market and it was a big crowd. So it was a big surprise when he said, I remember you. You came with a guy and you were cute.


Cute!! Haah! It was a sweaty and hot day and I think my brooch was stuck to my left cheek! This guy sure has problem with his eyesight. we chatted and he sounded young and chirpy. Laidback, hip hop and a bit reckless. Then he said, hey I dont want to cause any trouble. We can be friends but its risky.


Well, since when has the word risky stopped me from doing anything dumb.


The next thing I know, he picked me up in the wee hours of the morning and I realised for the first time that he is absolutely BALD! He wore a cap that day and I did not realise that he is actually bald, but completely HOT. He took me to Ampang, near my uncle's place for a drink and I was thinking gosh if I'm spotted, I'm so dead.

Later,when he dropped me home, I invited him in. God knows what I was thinking!! Dunno what why, my head was a bit messed up and he is a complete stranger and I invited him in! He came in and said, Nice dig you have here. It was awkward and we were both uncomfortable. And there was my wedding pic staring at both of us. Stark reminder of my reality. Plus things did not help that I was mumbling under my breathe , " I cant believe I actually invited you in". He fidgeted for a while and asked to leave. He gave me a wink at the door and all I could think of was Damn he's SUPER HOT! 


Later he texted me, "U have no idea how badly I wanted to stay." That text left me breathless. 

On our third meeting, he surprised me with THE kiss.  That was only the beginning. It was the hottest, intense and damning kiss ever. I went home and gulped the apple juice in the fridge from the box wishing that it was something stronger. The rest I cant put in black and white cuz it is too damning. I regret it with all my heart.


But I'm not 17 anymore. Yet, he made me feel like one. Like he said, we have no future. I would date you If I had known you earlier. Dont you regret saying yes so early?


I do wonder, but I'm not that naive anymore. In my reality, it had no future even from the very beginning. It was waay off course. Although the sparks nd chemistry was absolutely unforgettable. But it is over now. My heart still bleeds but I'm stronger now. I know it was never meant to be."


That person who wrote that was stronger than the person writing this today. 5 years later, I'm still bleeding. And today I sent him this text.

Deareast Jeez, u were my biggest mistake.  But how can I regret the stolen kisses in the car or that hot rainy night at the house. I wanna play along and pretend that I dont care and I can do this again. It might have meant nothing to you but not to me. I thought I can make luv to you one last time and say that it is just sex but I'm just not built to fuck without feelings. I miss those kisses and I always will. Be good cuz you were a great guy then. You were always gentle with me. You will always have a special place in my heart. Take care.
 

How ironic that 5 years later, I started both lines with the same sentence.

I love u. I always will.

He says he loves me.
He says that no matter what he will be here with me.
He says that no matter what my shortcomings he will love me the same.
He says nothing else matters as long as we are together.
He says that I am his strength and he forgave me for whatever I have done.
I promised to God that I will obey and love this man forever.
Our soul are binded and God is our witness.

Then how come my heart still longs for another. How come my heart still cracks at the thought of another. Then how come I just cant seem to move on. How come he rules my breath? How in the world did it come to this? Why cant I love the man that loves me unconditionally? Why cant I just embrace the safer choice? Why do I crave the pain?

I feel as if my heart is bleeding. I feel as if I touch and there is blood all over me. Blood of pain and suffering and most of all blood of guilt. I cannot stop the tears thathas been flowing freely these days. The mere thought stings. The mere vision halts my breathing. I thought with time, things will heal. So far it has gotten worse by the day. I want to embrace the safer choice, yet I also want to run away from it. I want to run and find my pain. I want to keep on suffering. I rejoice at the fire that is scorching my very soul.

You are not worth this.
You are not worth me writing this blog.
You are not worth my my tears.
You are not worth this excruciating pain in my heart.
You are not worth my love.

We should never have met.
Because now, a part of my soul is gone.
Because now, my heart is empty.
I breathe and move but inside I am dead.
I am lifeless.
I walk on glasses.
And my visions blurs amid the memories and reality.

I will never be the same again.
Never.

The truth finally dawns..

After coming to terms that you are gone for good...again, you come back. Saying Hi to me. Made my day and I played along as if nothing happened.

But it was too good to be true.

Today I saw your true colours. And again it broke me. I keep going around this circle over and over again. Am I some kind of masochist? Why I keep putting myself in line of fire. As if I enjoy the pain that I should have expected from the beginning.

I thought you came back because you still think of me. I thought you were fighting the urge to yet somehow, I held you back. I thought of all the fantasy stupid crappy romantic stuff. When in the end the truth was right before my eyes. I just failed to see it. Maybe I even refused to see it. But with your text today. Your refusal to open up and talk and your one track mind on your aim. I finally see where you are heading.

I cant do it. If I do it it is just to have the feel of you close to me again. To hear your heart beat against mine and to feel your breathe against mine. But I know, if I ever choose to cross that path again, this time the pain will kill me.

I will die when I look in your eyes and I see the emptiness.
I will die when I see how I have sacrificed my soul and stoop this low just for a person who has fail to see me as who I am.
I will die when I can feel that you just cant feel like how I'm feeling.
And most of all, I will die all over again when you walkout the door.

This is hard. But this time I really have to let go. This time it is done. I'm done.

I cant even describe how much I misses you..

I heard this song over the radio. Suddenly the world is alive with all the songs I would like to forget. Suddenly when I was about to fall asleep, it was as if I can see your face bending down to me. It was as if I can actually feel your lips upon mine. It was so real that I found myself turning away. It was too painful to remember. I do not want to remember. I want to erase you from my brain. I seriously do. I went through this blog, it took me 4 bloody years for me to finally stop writing about you! 4 Years!! Hard to believe but then that is me alright. I held on as you let go..

Never told You
Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I never told you because I know that you know just by looking in my eyes. I never told you because I know it is pointless anyway. I never told you probably because I am afraid to hear your response to it...

Today is your birthday...

I never thought it would be this bad. Always thought that I can handle it. Today it was so bad that I literally thought about slashing my wrist. Crazy.

Today I felt like dyin. Driving was a maze. The heat was crazy and the traffic was bad. But what was worse was the horrible pain in my heart.

I sent you "Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. Which one r u? Have a fabulous birthday!!"

It was a chirpy and happy message but you didnt even reply. My heart keep breaking as I sat and waited. Not even a thank u. Nothin.

I shouldnt have been surprised. I should have expected it. Actually I had. But when it really happened, I felt like jumping off a building.

What was I thinking? What was I waiting for? A miracle to change your heart?

Today I found myself saying to myself, there is only 2 things I badly wanted and you come to a close second. Crazy. That is crazy talking.

Again. It is all me. It is all my own doing.

My moment of madness...

I am reading all my past postings again just to check the chronology of what happened in these past few weeks. It all started with a hunch. A pain at the pit of my tummy. A pain of loss. That "I miss you so badly I just wanna die feeling". It just came over and I opened this blog again to read. I was just reminiscing what happened and what I felt. Then I started writing down everything cuz suddenly I feel as if I can remember every little details. I wrote it down so I wont forget.

Then a few days later I saw you online. I have never seen you online before and it has been 5 years!! I wrote you that piece and you were happy that I replied. It seems that you have been trying to make contact. Then you gave me your number and I had to steel myself everytime I see you online cuz I was afraid that I would topple.When I saw that avatar with the beating heart I know that you have certainly moved on and it broke me. However, I tried my best to keep my chin up and hold it in until I called Eve and broke down. Later,my days were filled, and I was really busy and somehow I managed to keep myself Occupied.

Then you replied and sent cute messages through YM and I found myself smiling again. I thought that maybe this time would be different and maybe we can be just friends. So when everything calmed down I went looking for you. We had our first phone conversation and chatted and all along you just wanna know whether I'm still married. When I said that I am, you started to change. You made hurtful stinging remarks about wanting to meet up for sex and all that. "For sex y not? But not for romance after all you are still married." When I said " It didnt stop you before and you said "I was younger then" I sensed such bitterness when you said it. It was as if you really hated me. Then you were gone. Again. I am left in a mess.

Now everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart. Everyday I stare at the walls and wonder what I said wrong. I was still keeling from the shock that after all these years, you came back. I am just not ready to let you go but you are gone. They said you are being a gentleman because you are not taking advantage of my moment of weakness. They said it is because cold turkey is the only way to go. They said it is for the best. They said he is doing this because he is feeling used. That in whatever way he is at the losing end while I am always winning. They said he is doing this because he probably cares...

What have I done Is? I am broken without you. If I broke you too then I am sorry. I am sorry for making this madness a reality. I am sorry that we met. I am sorry for this moment of madness. I wish to have a room somewhere in the corner of your heart. That is all I wish for. I am sorry for eveything. I truly am.

I'm missing you again...

I miss the way you can turn me on just by undressing me with your eyes.I miss sitting on your lap. I miss the hot kisses in the car. I miss having your hands all over me. I miss the way you love to grab my butt. I miss hearing you whisper and breathing in my ear. I miss feeling your naked skin against mine. I miss having your mouth all over my body. I miss getting all hot and wet just by the flick of your fingers. I miss having your tongue lick me in places I don’t even know existed. I miss the way we move our hips together. I miss your mouth against my breasts, sucking me and making me lose my mind. I miss having you fill me up. I miss you moving inside of me. I miss you making me cum. I miss losing control with you. I’m not me when I’m with you. It’s like I’m not me.