My last posting was last year. The modem broke down again. Damn. So here is my first post for this year. Hell what a way to break into a new year. Uneventful birthday. Loneliest birthday I had in years.. Happy belated birthday to me.
Took me a total one month to actually get the chance and the spirit to post this. He called on 5th February 2006. There I was with everyone around me, cheering as Jacky Victor came on stage to sing Gemilang for the Juara Lagu. We were rooting for Mr Mawi of course. I dont think I can ever listen to Jacky the same way again. I didnt recognise the number as usual. Then his voice came and my other half was staring as usual, wondering who the hell was calling you at this time when most of the nation would be glued to the screen. Well, its a no surprise since he is in Dublin so he wouldnt have been watching. I pretended to not hear and slipped into a room nearby and closed the door behind me. I sensed from his voice that it is something urgent. Something I definitely do not want to hear. He made small talk, watcha doin girl? bla bla bla. I was getting restless. Worried that other half gonna peak in and asked whats goin on.
Then yes he said it..
Girl, I am seeing someone.
Yup he said it.
I had expected this. I knew one day you are gonna call and tell me this.
Inside my head I've played this conversation so many times yet when the actual thing happened, I felt as if I am in a dream and a cold rush came over me. He asked quietly,
You expected this?
Sure I expected this. Who is she?
She's an old friend which I met again. She might be the one I wanna marry. Wait for my wedding invitation. You will love her. Once Im back in Malaysia, I'll introduce her to you.
Damn. What the hell is he thinking? Some men can be so EVIL. I have to be cool about this.
Sure why not. That'll be great. I have to go now. We'll chat next time k.
Girl, My emails not gonna be as frequent as before and I'll be laying low for a while k.
Sure. I understand.
Yeah, as if his emails is that frequent anyway..and Yeah he'll be too busy fucking her that he will not have the time to write TO ME!! No. I am certainly not bitter. DO I sound bitter? Naah..figment of imagination. I am fine. I am doing just fine. That fine song from Boyz to Men and Since You've been Gone came to mind..hehe..my new theme song i guess.. I am fine.
I am such a mess. Then I went out and continue watching the show. My heart is a mess. I wanna cry out yet there I was trying my best to appear cheerful. I was shouting and laughing way too hard and didnt dare to make any eye contact with Soleil. She sensed it.
I cannot cry. I tried to later on but I just cant. I realised my life need to go on. I have this project on the line. I am now determine to do this. I know I can do this. I am messed up but I know I can do this. I have to get my life back. This project can make me forget. Does it matter anymore..?
I wanna do things and make it matter. This is a dark period in my life and I am gonna get through this. I know I will. That phone call was the ending and a starting point to a new beginning.
