Well...today I am retracting everything that I have written for the past few weeks. A few days ago that is. One day that is all it takes to have your dreams and hopes dashed into smithereens.
I backed out. I am walking out before he has the ability to hurt. Before he can suck in the happiness that I have worked so hard to achieve. I have never felt so desolate and so scared. Still, deep inside I know this is the best thing and the right move to make. I chickened out before you can even say the word "chicken" itself. Sad. Sad is my life.
I know I can give it a go and taste it. But I am not willing to pick up the pieces if it do not worked out in the end. For the umpteenth times I have also realised that some men can be so DENSE!!! SO blind and have absolutely no idea how some humans are born with emotions. How can he not realised that his mere words can trigger past pain and stirred hidden deep imbedded feelings. I have worked so hard NOT to let it show. Do we women have to spell it out word by word..???
SO much have left unsaid. If he cant see it, there is no other way that I am willing to say it. I am walking out. I am walking out before it is too late. Before things get in too deep.
I keep on telling myself it is for the fun of it, yet I know deep inside there is more to it that I am looking for. I feel so lost and so alone. Maybe we will meet again in another lifetime, under different circumstances. As for now, I am just not willing to risk my heart again. I am still bruised from my last encounter. Actually my heart is still there way in Dublin. I cant do it. I thought I would be strong enough to handle it but reality is..I am just not ready. Not yet.
He is to me my Beautiful Disaster.
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, Lord it just ain't right
Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight
Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautiful
