Nothing has change..nothing at all..

Ten Days

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...

Its been more than ten days...but it hurts all the same...it hurts as if it all happened yesterday. It was as if yesterday, you said gbye and disappeared from my life forever.

The song is from Missy Higgins

I want to be rescued..

I remember running away in a crowd. Gasping for air. The hurt and pain I feel suffocates me. I can feel my lungs tighten and my chest hurts. I need air. I need space. I need to be rescued.

Suddenly I am on a beach. I see the waves splashing on the white sands. My breathing slows down. Slowly the sight calms me. I breathe in. Fresh air. Lots and lots of space. Slowly I look back and I saw him looking at me. As our eyes meet, the look brings back the ache I feel in my heart. His eyes, full of questions. He hesitates and he did not walk over. How I wish this is all real. At that moment, it seemed real.

It was only a dream. But it felt so good. I was smiling the whole day. I want to be rescued that way. Although it was a dream, but the hurt and pain felt so real. I want to be held that way. He held me from behind, I felt him close and I felt safe.

I do not know who he is but it felt good. It was just a dream, but just as the intensity feels so real so does the pain. The loneliness and hopelessness of the circumstances. It was never meant to be. I would never leave him. Even if it means I will be sacrifing my own happiness. I know it will never work. I will make do with what I have. In real life, love is just never enough.

I'm starting work early morn tomorrow and here I am blogging. Crazy me. Crazy crazy me. I have a new theme song...Crazy crazy song. Its a feel good song and yeah the title is Crazy hehehe..

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

I remember when
I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that face (OR place, OR phase!)

Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

Mmm…

And when you’re out there
Without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Mmm…

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
(OR "possibly" - depending on what version you have)

An I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice
That’s my only advice

Mmm…

Come on now
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you think you are
Ha ha ha
Bless your soul
You really think you’re in control

Well
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on the limb
An all I remember
Is thinking I wanna be like them

Mmm…

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
It was no coincidence I’ve come
An I can die when I’m done

But maybe I’m crazy
But maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Aaah…ooooh…

Maybe I am crazy but then, so is the world. Superpowers are used to kill the weak and the oppressed are crushed further. There is no more good in this world if obvious evil and horrors are justified by people you vote to be your leaders.

Why am I so serious? Just reflecting on life a moment there.

I am suppose to be in a crazy mood. Time to go boogie...Nighty nite.

Is it the smile...? Is it the the structure of the jaw...? Is it the look that he gave..? As he turns when he drives..? The look he gave, at the corner of his eye...

The playful glint in the eyes...? The strut in his walk.. the rasp in his voice... the musky smells of his sweat as he finishes in the gym...? The smell of his skin?

Or is it way he held me in his arm..? The feel of his skin against mine? His lips as it brushes my neck..? His breath between my breasts? His legs between mine...The look in is eyes before his lips meet mine?

I remember my arms around him. I remember him pulling me close. I remember feeling his shaved head grazed my fingers whenever we kiss.

Maybe it was the kiss. That first kiss which caught me by surprise. The kiss which left me breathless...and so so confused. That kiss will forever haunt me...

He's Online...

I have finally settled down. I found something I love doing and earning money from it. I want to write, just did not have the time. Its 1.30 am in the morning and here I am. There is nothing much to write. None to pour, no anger, no sadness just..well still not content though. I have finally settled down again. everything is quiet and looks fine and okay. The waves softly splashes on the sandy beaches or sumthin like that. Then...WHAM!

He's back.

I saw him online!!!

I have forgotten that he is in my contact, since my YM setting is to see online contacts only. So one day, there it is..he's online!!!

Bloody hell...should i Say Hi or shouldn't I.

I logged out. ( the chicken in me I guess)

I logged in again..sheeshh..this might be the one and only time I get to see him online.

Portugal or Germany (the match was coming up in a few hours) so I just typed.. Portugal or Germany?

and he answered Germany

as it went along..he suddenly asked who is this??

HE DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER?

GOSH! AM I THAT FORGETTABLE?

hmmm...and then he typed baby is that u?

BABY? Which baby am I???

The one he's fucked in KL or the one he is currently fucking in Dublin.

What the fuck. I have no idea what am I doing wasting my time with this LOSER.

SO I logged the fuck out.

Anger..

I am writing this in anger. Its 2.35 am and I might be single again sometime in the near future. Well, why should I be surprised if this union dissolved. AFterall..it was cracking all over the place anyway. I just have to figure out my journey alone from here. One slap to my so called perfect family. Here you celebrate and welcome a new addition to the family and here you say gbye to the old.

I had a feeling sooner or later it might come. I just have no idea how to accept it or how to actually face it. I am bitter with this experience and I hate myself for letting it rot. But then, everyone close to me can see and realised that I have done my best. now I badly need a best friend to call and talk to. But then of coz in my present state that it is certainly not possible. Even if it is World Cup season and phone calls are cheaper at this hour.

Is it just me or the world is just so cruel to me. I have tried my my best to put a brave face and endure everything that have come my way. No matter how hard and ugly it gets, I always pull through. I alwiz survive it. No matter how awful the loss. When my dad passed away I felt as if my soul was wrenched out of me. In those couple of months, never once did I act out of grief or entertain any talk about his death. Deep in my mind I always say he is still around and he has never left. I put it so deep at the back of mind that sometimes I believed it myself. So when there were occassions where I wanted him around and there was no way I can summon him it became so frustrating.

I am trying my best here not to cry as I type this. If my life come crumbling around me I will keep my chin up and face it like..I always do. With strength and dignity. In this blog space, only here I am in pieces. Only here I express my sorrows and my pain on all my losses.

My sense of loneliness in my bed even when I am in my bed with Mr So called Right. The hollow that i feel in my heart everytime we make love. How lonely and alone I feel even when my life is surrounded by laughter and supports of my family.

I still feel so alone. One day I might be alone. I might even end up dying in my bed alone. that thought is scary. But then, when the time comes, in my grave I'll be alone, when facing Him I'll be alone. Now is not the time for drama. Now is the time to face the harsh reality. To see the thing that you patiently built and endured coming to an end..dissolving in your very eyes. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You just have to keep enduring.

Busy week. Busy month

My work is really catching up on me. There goes my one month break. Plus its World Cup year this year! The last time I followed was the year Roberto Baggio of Italy faced Brazil in the finals. That was when World Cup was held in the US. That was my last world Cup and my football knowledge stopped there.

This year I am up and about again. I even stayed up for the 3am matches. Especially if Argentina is playing. Messi is such an entertaining player to watch. My money is on Germany though. So far, Germany is making it look so easy. Its not Quarter Final yet, but so far Germany is easing through each round like a breeze. This year they look promising plus they have the advantage of playing on their own soil. Well, only time will tell.

Other than the WOrld Cup, my classes are now 5 times a week and my time is quite full. I am also preparing designs to prepare for the Eid crowd. Yup, as fasting months come, there will be a lot of shopping and I have to prepare my stock ASAP.

For once, I'm raking my brains to write. Oh..Lynn is seeing someone. WOnder if he's the one for her. Well again, only time will tell. Thats all 4 today I guess. Gonna go and dream about messing with Messi. He may be too young but he's still too cute to resist.:-))

Its Finally Over!!!

Finally the wedding is over. Cant believe that my little bro is now no longer a virgin hehehehe..

It was the most chaotic wedding ever!! But it was also the most FUN wedding we ever had in the family. On the last day, we stayed up and karaoked until the wee hours. Well some tradition are just meant to be broken. When we first broke into a song, the aunties went like, "Its just not our way you know". I love my aunties, ancient or not, I learned a lot from them and they are a helpful lots. But when it comes to music, they just won't compromise, its just not our way..sheeshh..

Anyway the wedding started horribly. On the eve of the wedding it rained heavily at night and I jumped from my bed, all I can think of is my sound systems set. I end up saving some of the soft cushion chairs. The storms and lightning were too scary for me to keep up the mission so I went to bed soaking. The next morning we found out that everything was WET!! Except for some great saves from the rest were soaked. All of us felt like crying. And the guest were coming at 11.30!!! Can you actually believe it!! It was horrendous!! I felt a sense of hopelessness as I lined up the seats to dry under the sun with rest of the siblings. Everyone looked gloomy and wondered how the day was gonna proceed.

To cut the story short, all my aunties helped out and for a wedding which started horribly, everything went great and smoothly. It was utter blessings from the powers that be. The tablecloth which was torn and wet were replaced and somehow the end everything turned out so nice and lovely!!

We had so much fun that day!! One event which was unforgettable was when my little nephew chose to peed on the landings in the middle of the stairs when traffic was extremely heavy!! I panicked but then when we all discussed it out, it was hilarious!!!

It was not perfect, but we found out that everyone had a great time and TOTALLY dig the food. As usual, we serve the best food of course. We had such a grand time. I lost my voice for two weeks after the wedding and big bro had to be admitted to the hospital cuz he hurt his back. Poor guy. What a way to close the chapter. But then when we saw the photos, it was all well worth it. It was all well that ends well.

The Colour of My Soul

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I like the idea that my soul is represented by a white horse. It's so beautiful..

Your love secrets Revealed..yeah right..

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

The lucky ones..

Yeah Chris was booted out and I actually cried!!! Nope, not just cried, I bawled my eyes out!! Hehe..what a wimp.. Soleil texted me, you were upset about Chris, is it Chris or another bald guy you are crying for ha..?? I felt lost when they eliminated Chris. Lost. Heart broken. Alone. My highlight of the week is now gone.

Hmm..sometimes I wonder, I like Chris cuz he’s really sexy, fabulous crooner, I’m nuts about rockers, or plainly cuz he’s bald..and bald men = Mr dublin.

Sheesh… here we go again. I’m in one of those moods again which is why my posting is quite frequent. When I badly need therapy, I write. I do not know why. Is it the stress of the wedding, or the impending wedding of Lynn’s guy. I believe that we are somehow ‘cosmically’ connected. If her creepy guy has a girlfriend, mine is seeing someone too. Now Mr Shorty is getting married in December!! I am getting restless, mine might be getting married too.

I have this feeling one of these days he is gonna call me up asking for a mailing address to mail his invitation. I’ve played the scene of me witnessing his ‘akad’ so many times in my mind. Me in the background as he solemnly swears his love to HER. Ugly ugly scene..painful..it never gets better although I have played it a thousand times over.

Lynn, my ingenious cousin whose timing cannot be better sent me this. I felt like someone slapped me on the face. I woke up. It hit home. It hit so close to home.

Difference between "somebody you Love" and "somebody you Like"
In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you like, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush
But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.

In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind
But in front of the person you like, you can.

In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy
But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.

When the one you love is crying, you cry with them
But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.

The feeling of love starts from the eye But the feeling of like starts from the ear.
So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever ...

How sick is that? How can you like some and be with that someone and not love that person. Especially if that person is absolutely crazy about you. Does that make you a bad person? If you ask me, that is what I call reality.

At least that is my reality. I truly believe that I cannot lead a happy life if I chose someone I truly love..because he doesn’t love me the same. Maybe because I have knack of choosing the absolute WRONG man to love. But then how can you choose? This is matters of the heart, it is not something you can pick and choose. Sometimes you love the person without even realizing it. Sometimes you just love the person although you know he does not deserve it at all. Sometimes the person doesn’t even give a damn.

So does it matter? It doesn’t actually. Because in my journey, finding someone who truly cares about you DESPITE your flaws and eccentricities is an achievement. Look into yourself. Are you that great a person? Are you as perfect as the guy you are looking for? Are you capable of overlooking his setbacks and settle for less? To find someone who truly loves you for who you are, loves you unconditionally. If you fall that way and he loves you back, then you are one of the lucky ones. But in my case, I’ll cherish my find, because in my heart I believe that one day I can learn to love the person back. I can learn to cherish him as much. Then I’ll be one of the lucky ones..

Today is just not my day..

Today is a horrible day. I cant believe my Chris is OUT of American Idol!!!! If only I can vote. It has been one heck of a day. The wedding preparation is taking its toll on me. My cough is getting worse and I'm having a migraine and I think my head is gonna burst and now my Chris!!! My Chris Daughtry is eliminated. My fave number by Chris is that Keith Urban song, Making Memories of Us and of course Renegade. I dont care what Simon says. Come to think of it i love all of Chris's performances. The guy is amazing. He's absolutely fabulous. His rendition of Making Memories of Us is even better than Keith's, heart wrenching and that crisp husky voice just drives me nuts!!!

My beautiful, adorable, sexy, babelicious Chris is gone. My heart is broken. I can never be more miserable than this..maybe when Mr Dublin gets married that will be a second horrible day. I don't even want to go there. I had enough of these nonsense. No more American Idol for me..no more..

Irish Craze

Is it just me or everything seems to revolve around Ireland these days. Has the world gone Irish crazy? The other day, it was ultra violet with the soundtrack by cranberries. I am not that sure but I could have sworn it was Dolores' haunting voice as Milla does her futuristic acrobatic martial arts in the background. Then, my fave photopage went to DUBLIN. Of all the places in the world..and he chose Dublin. There is even a photo spread of MALAYSIAN students in Dublin having the time of their life on the site. Not only I'm being pushed off the stairs I'm being stabbed and trod on!

Then another fave photopage had a newlyweds from Ireland!! Plus I have just realised that both of my fave groups are from Ireland. My absolute fave group The Corrs, Cranberries and thank god Adam Levine and Kanye is definitely not Irish!!

Maybe all of these stuff are actually normal. Maybe I'm being ultra sensitive these days. I have taken steps to move on. Yet I feel like he is still around making faces as I try my best to turn away from any traces of our memories together. How long am I going to keep writing on how hurt and in pain I am. I am sick of reading it myself. I am sick of being in pain. I want to be happy. Sometimes I feel deliriously happy. These days life is not that bad. But when it gets bad it gets really mad. No moderate day for me. When its good, its fabulous.

Crazy crazy life of mine..

I have a new job...

Yup I finally did it. Changed my career. It is a big step towards a new me!!! Which sorts of explains why I havent had the time to write and update as often.I teach nowadays. Its been hectic but surprisingly a lotta fun. At the side I'm still doing designing. Although market is slow but demand for me to supply has been intense. Dunno if it makes sense or not but it does!!

One thing lacking is that me and pardner again..is going separate ways. Since my job is here, he is there. Once again he is back to being himself. Totally into his work that at times I think he sorts of forgotten that I actually exist. But then since my brother's wedding is coming up this June, I've been pretty busy myself. I did everything myself. All the nitty gritty stuff, all the hantaran and those souveniers and gifts. I did everything with mum. I want to stop thinking and dwelling on certain matters though sometime it gets awfully lonely. writing is therapy. It really helps. It helps me to let go. Damn.

Of course I have not let it go!! Of course I still think about it!! The other day there was a travel show. The host was this young upcoming actor accompanied by a young petite co host. They were SO SWEET!!! I wonder if he is sweet to her... I wonder if in Dublin he walks with her hand in hand.

I do not think I will ever make another trip to London much less to Ireland. Everywhere I go and everything I see, I'll keep on wondering. Were they ever here? Did he kiss her here? Proposed to her? Laugh together?

This is absolutely crazy!! I am going nuts! If I am not busy it is the only thing I'll ever think of.

I missed his birthday. Maybe it was a sign. The alarm didnt go off. I had no idea how or why it happened, it never happened before. I missed his birthday. It should not have mattered anymore. He should not matter to me. He can die of a bomb blast in Dublin and I should not care!!!

Sometimes it is okay. Sometimes I could not care less. Sometimes, I get too preoccupied to let it bother me. But certain times it really really hurts. Though nowadays, I think I am calmer. I have chilled out. I have come to terms that it still hurts and maybe it will forever hurts everytime I think about it. But there is nothing I can do about it. "Cuz I cant make you love me if you dont. And you cant make your heart feels something it wont"

I am fine now...at this moment in time I am doing just fine.

How come it still hurts..

There is one certain fact about Mr Dublin. If he is made available and the circumstances is different I dont think I want to be with him. I dont even think we will end up happy. But then why does it hurt so bad...?? Now that it is not meant to be and he is happy elsewhere, why am I unhappy?

Is it the fact that he is forbidden or the fact that he is so different from the norm, that he will raise eyebrows? Is it just me, to want more attention to myself..? Or the fact that we shared a tender moment together and for a while there he made me feel that all my problems do not really matter. In those few brief moments together he gave me a feeling that I havent felt for so long. He made me feel as if I am needed. He made me feel alive again. To feel alive, passionate and enraptured in those moments when my head was ina mess and my life was coming apart he was like a breath of fresh air to a suffocating person.

It was not lust. It was not infatuation. It was real love. I feel it inside. I know it was for real. that is why it was not meant to be. Isnt it more romantic this way?

One day our path might crossed and he will be there with his happy bride and I will look from afar. I will be happy for him. I will try.

I love him. I know I will never experience intense love and passion as I have felt in those years when we had those clandestine meetings, and I never want to. For this pain in my heart and soul is way too much for me to bear. It is so much that I cannot even shed a tear. I feel if I start to cry..I might never stop.

Theme songss..More theme songs..

Emancipation of MIMI
Dont Forget About Us

(Don't forget about us) Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby, boy...
Just let it dieWith no goodbyes
Details don't matter We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby (yeah)

Now everytime I see you I pretend I'm fine When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

Oh they say That you're in a new relationship
But we both know Nothing comes close to What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it How big we used to did it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it
So don't forget about Late nights, playin' in the dark And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

And if she's got your head all messed up now That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do it like me
She'll never be MC Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want i
tSo don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my armsBoy,
you'll always be in my heart andI can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us.

Here By Me
by 3 Doors Down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me 'Cause I'm not doing so good without you The things I thought you'd never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you And everything I have in this world And all that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me I can’t take another day without you 'Cause, baby, I could never make it on my own I've been waiting so long just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say But everything I've ever known gets swept away Inside of your love And everything I have in this world All that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me As the days roll on I see Time is standing still for me When you’re not here I’m sorry I can’t always find the words to say Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love x2 And everything I have in this world And all that i'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me

Yup..as I have expected...

My last posting was last year. The modem broke down again. Damn. So here is my first post for this year. Hell what a way to break into a new year. Uneventful birthday. Loneliest birthday I had in years.. Happy belated birthday to me.

Took me a total one month to actually get the chance and the spirit to post this. He called on 5th February 2006. There I was with everyone around me, cheering as Jacky Victor came on stage to sing Gemilang for the Juara Lagu. We were rooting for Mr Mawi of course. I dont think I can ever listen to Jacky the same way again. I didnt recognise the number as usual. Then his voice came and my other half was staring as usual, wondering who the hell was calling you at this time when most of the nation would be glued to the screen. Well, its a no surprise since he is in Dublin so he wouldnt have been watching. I pretended to not hear and slipped into a room nearby and closed the door behind me. I sensed from his voice that it is something urgent. Something I definitely do not want to hear. He made small talk, watcha doin girl? bla bla bla. I was getting restless. Worried that other half gonna peak in and asked whats goin on.

Then yes he said it..

Girl, I am seeing someone.

Yup he said it.

I didnt know what to say. There was a brief silence. I could have sworn I can hear my heart breaking into smithereens at that very moment. I drew in deep breath and my voice shook as I tried my best to compose myself.

I had expected this. I knew one day you are gonna call and tell me this.

Inside my head I've played this conversation so many times yet when the actual thing happened, I felt as if I am in a dream and a cold rush came over me. He asked quietly,

You expected this?
Sure I expected this. Who is she?
She's an old friend which I met again. She might be the one I wanna marry. Wait for my wedding invitation. You will love her. Once Im back in Malaysia, I'll introduce her to you.

Damn. What the hell is he thinking? Some men can be so EVIL. I have to be cool about this.

Sure why not. That'll be great. I have to go now. We'll chat next time k.
Girl, My emails not gonna be as frequent as before and I'll be laying low for a while k.
Sure. I understand.

Yeah, as if his emails is that frequent anyway..and Yeah he'll be too busy fucking her that he will not have the time to write TO ME!! No. I am certainly not bitter. DO I sound bitter? Naah..figment of imagination. I am fine. I am doing just fine. That fine song from Boyz to Men and Since You've been Gone came to mind..hehe..my new theme song i guess.. I am fine.

I am such a mess. Then I went out and continue watching the show. My heart is a mess. I wanna cry out yet there I was trying my best to appear cheerful. I was shouting and laughing way too hard and didnt dare to make any eye contact with Soleil. She sensed it.

I cannot cry. I tried to later on but I just cant. I realised my life need to go on. I have this project on the line. I am now determine to do this. I know I can do this. I am messed up but I know I can do this. I have to get my life back. This project can make me forget. Does it matter anymore..?

I wanna do things and make it matter. This is a dark period in my life and I am gonna get through this. I know I will. That phone call was the ending and a starting point to a new beginning.