I cant, I would and I should but I just couldn't...

I want to say that it was meaningless. That it was just at the heat of the moment. That my heart was not involved. That it was just infatuation. That I was pressured at the moment. That I was messed up and the circumstances drove me to do it.

But I do remember the time when I watched you while you sleep. I remember running my fingers lightly over your lips and your chest. Thinking of how beautiful you were in my eyes. I remember opening my eyes and saying I love you quietly in my heart. Knowing at that moment I was falling hard. Knowing and being fully aware that it is not the crazies talking but its my heart.

How can I do all that without falling. How can I let you kiss and touch me without developing any feelings whatsoever. How can I look into your eyes again and not let my feelings show. How can I see you with her and not have my heart break into little pieces. How can I not be with you and withhold this feeling of being ripped apart. How can I be with you and not love you. How can I...??

Why do you have to come back?

I need you to know that u cant just come and messed me up and go again.

I have picked up all the pieces and glued myself together. I dont need this now and I cant take it now. You make me think of my past which was so painful and broken that I wish it never happened in the first place.

You came, you conquered and you left.

I was a mess and I cant breathe when u left. But I got well. I moved on or so I thought. Until you came back again. Now my days and nights are filled with my memories of us together. You hoped so much that I left him. But u left me to die. I thought you will never come back so I moved on...or so I thought. I cannot deal with this. I cannot deal with the confusion and guilt. I am torn between doing the right thing and to follow my heart. I wanna see you. I wanna breathe you again. I hate you for coming back. I hate you for making me melt again. I hate you for making me shiver whenever I see a tall bald guy pass by.

Tonight went out with girls and passed a group of men at the table. One of them was bald and wearing a striped shirt. I froze and thank god I was sitting in the car already. If not I think I would just crumble on the floor. I felt a searing pain goes through my heart. What if its you? What if its you with another?

I cant deal with all these. I dont know how I get over it all, but now that Im going down the same road again I cannot imagine how I can last this journey through.

I cant let go....

do u still want me?
yeah
how bad..
mayb more wen we meet

Some things just dont change even after 5 years. Even through chat he can still make me breathless.. I had to sit down after that conversation and learn how to breathe again. Suddenly I feel short of breath and my sights become a blur. I need to hear him. I need to breathe him in again. Sometimes I feel like throwing caution in the wind and see him again.

I have always imagine how things would be if one day he pops back again. Things are great and suddenly he comes in and messed up my reception. I cant see straight. I cant even focus on anything and I feel absolutely crazy!! These days I'm walking in a daze. I keep on staring out and the world seems to spin around while I'm rooted in my past. I wanna let go and walk away. Everyday I wear my heart on my sleeve. The more I hear the song the sadder it all becomes. He is hoping that I am single again. He is hoping that after 5 years I am free enough to become his. He has no idea. No idea of the conflict and guilt that is raking my insides. He has absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to walk away. To let go of my past and to do the right thing. I have to do the right thing and just walk. I have to keep walking and not look back. I cannot be hung up with my past. Those times, us together was a mistake. No matter what or how I justify, it was all a big horrible MISTAKE. We were a mistake that should not have happen in the first place.

But knowing that after all these years, you still want me is enough for me. That is enough for me to go on living.

Its been one hell of a week...

I need u.

At the back of my head, memories flood through. I am wading against the waves. I have to reach the shore before I drown. Sometimes I get so tired and I wanna let it take me. That is when I reach for the phone just to hear your voice or get a glimpse of you.

Other days, I feel strong and swim furiously. I see the shore but as I get near it, it stretches further away.Those are the days when you post your Adam Lambert's song. Wattaya want From Me or when you post something on YM that breaks me bit by bit.

I cannot do this again. I cant focus on anything. I am having problems reconnecting to things around me. I feel like a robot going through the motions when actually I am breaking, screaming and struggling inside. I see you in everything and everywhere I go. I smell you in the air although you are miles away.

You have absolutely no idea how badly I want to just grab the keys and knock on your door. You have no idea how hard it is not to reply your messages or try not to call you back.

I am drowning again. Im gulping the water and my breath is shorter and I am suffocating. I wanna breathe again. And I wanna breathe it with you.

I need to stop missing you...

Yeah I go back to you, every chance I get
No matter how soft my skin is
From the last time you dug real deep
My bones are shaking and I can't do this anymore
And I need to stop missing you
I can't fix us two
(Katie Costello - I Cant Fix Us Two)

I need to stop missing you.
I need to put this all behind. I need to move on.

Im all concious, about my face, my body and even my hair. Im scared that I'll bump into him wth his new gurl cuz I cant deal with that rite now.. I just cant.

Addicted ..Its like I'm not me.

I have been having this twitch in my eye. It has been twitching the whole day. I went out nearly the whole day, when I finally could bring myself to check for my inbox.

Lo and behold, the reply that I have been waiting for. Five years. It has been 5 years. Why is he suddenly back. Why is he saying all the things again. Why is this happening again? Am I going to back the same path? I am really scared. The toughest fight of all is the fight you have within yourself.

It was really weird on the coincidence. I should not have replied. I thought he will never read it. I thought it will be something like the emails which Bella sent to an empty address. I thought it will stop whatever that I was feeling. I thought it would lose the edge. The edge. The addiction. Kelly Clarkson hits the bulls eye with these lyrics. Exactly what I'm feeling being put into words. She just didnt add that.... addiction always brings to destruction.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Today is a better day...

 

Today had a family gathering thing. So my attention was distracted a bit. And never was there a moment where I had to run and take a breather and just breathe. Today I feel much better. I even baked today. Chocolate bread pudding from Surfin the Menu.

My newly single friend aka Ms Eve said to me yesterday, is it something that you are not satisfied that made you go dig for him. I insisted that I didnt dig, yet, that it was all a coincidence. I dwloaded YM to chat to a girlfriend and found old postings by him. Messages that went unanswered  cuz I was busy going through my life. Was it a coincidence? Or was it my curiousity? I cannot really say.. It was a test. A small test.

And I broke like a twig.

Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was the dumb stupid avatar. I still cant really say… So yesterday went to watch a movie “ I hate Valentines Day”. Ironically it echoes how  I feel about the heart throbbing avatar with heart shaped chocs in his hands. To add salt to the wound, the movie ended with the guy serenading the girl and making his friends formed the heart shape and asking the girl “Will you be my Valentine!” Sheesh… I could not have picked a worse movie. Anyway, had a great time. It would have been worse if I had not gone out. I would be moping around the house and telling everybody that I am still sick….

But today is a better day. Wish  Eve was here so that she can see that I am much better. It was just the cough and the hormones and all those feelings you get all cooped up in your room all alone. I am much better when I am surrounded by people. I am a people person. I think…

Yes, today I feel much better. I open the page and see your face and I realize how very beautiful you are to me, but I do not feel broken. Not today. Just happy to have had the chance , how briefly it was to have that “Beautiful Disaster” with you.

What a start to my day...

I dunno why but it 8am and Im already depressed. Its too early for me mope around, its like its too early for me to get drunk..

I shot for the sky, Im stuck on the ground. So why did I try I know Im gonna fall down.

I miss him so badly. Its all coming back and I wish there is a way to stop this wave of memories. It has been so long but these days, sleeping is hard and when I wake up he is the only one I think. What is the matter with me? Im being such a fool. It is too early to be a fool.

I have a family gathering today. Lets hope things can sort of distract me. Maybe it is being cooped up in this room that is driving me nuts. I am just being stupid.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind..

I wonder if you think of me sometimes...

Am i that forgettable?

Stupid freakin avatars..

I saw him online and he is seriously messing with my head. I should let it go. But I saw the pic. What are the odds that I am never online and never check my YM that I end up seeing all this today. Today of all the days. Today is the day that I bumped into that stupid avatar of a bald headed ass with a freakin beating heart. What the hell??? Im not sure how to handle it.Im so over him. When I saw the pic, the lips..sheesh...lips which is probably kissin another bitch at this very moment. Anyway,I am so over him. I have moved on. I am so over this creep!! I can handle this. i am a mature independent woman. I can handle the freakin avatar with the red beatin heart!! What the fuck! What sort of corny avatar is that?? An avatar that tells the world that you are head over heels in love..

An avatar that brought me to my knees. An avatar that left me sobbing on the floor just now...Sheesh stupid dumb avatar..Why cant avatar be as hunky and hot as Sam Worthington..and not stupid bald with a freakin beatin heart..

Baby I miss you....

I miss you…
It has been years. It has been so so long when I felt this way. Is it because my hormone is going crazy or is it because I truly miss you. Or simply because I am writing again. I have not written anything for ages. Because I thought I have moved on. Then wham…it all came back to me. It was as if somebody blocked it and 2 years later its back in full blown and I can remember every details of it. 

I wanna write this down so I wont forget it. We were in a car and  that was the first time I saw you without your cap on. I never thought bald was cute but then that night you were beyond cute. We stopped and I was feeling quite awkward. There was tension in the car and I kept looking the other way cuz I was too nervous to look at you. Then you ask for my hand as you held out your palm. Slowly I put my hand in yours and slowly you ran your fingers on the lines in my palm. It was so slow and sexy that I found myself holding my breath. I look out the window and started saying something which I totally have forgotten by now because of what came next simply blew my mind away. I turn to you and you grabbed my head and gave me that KISS.  We kissed so many times after that but it will never be the same as that kiss. I was in shocked at first. But your lip was so intense and I can feel slowly the desire  building up. I kissed you back and when you slide your tongue in, I stopped breathing. When we broke away we were both panting. I had a hard time believing that it all was not a dream when you dropped me home.  A few nights later I asked you to stay when you dropped me home and you gave me some feeble excuse about needing to wake up early the next day. Then you texted me, “babe you look so sweet that you have no idea how hard is it for me to walk away last night”. I smiled the whole week and kept the text in my phone for ages.

I was in my most confused and lonely place all those time when we were having that so called fling. You took full advantage of it and baby I just don’t give a damn. And do you remember when we were making out in the car and it was your first time making it to second base. You keep wanting to touch my breast after that. There goes the kissing.  I remember running my hands on your jeans as we kiss in the car. I remember your face and your heavy breathing as you get all hot and bothered. You look all drunk and crazy and your eyes  gets all droopy and your hands were all over me. And I remember so badly I wanted to sit on your lap as you drive and kiss you endlessly.

Everytime we were making out it was totally intense and I remember biting your earlobe, licking your neck and touching you. You open your eyes and started kissing me. The next thing I know you were on top of me. Till today, I am still amazed at how fast it was for you to undo my bra straps and getting me naked in no time. Maybe it was because of all the kissing that was causing the haze in my brain. I will always remember the kisses. I love putting my hand all over your shoulder and feel your shaved head under my fingers. Nope you had no hair for me to run my fingers in but you had that fabulous neck and rasp and tingling feel of that shaved head of yours. I love kissing you and absolutely losing myself in that kiss. I love just having to kiss and not do anything heavier than that.  I can never control myself when we are together. My head keep saying no but with every flick of your fingers, I lost it. It is as if something else has taken over my body and I can just sigh and moan. It was crazy. It was so so crazy and mindless and oh so so wrong…

Baby, do you remember that night when it rained and we were all hot and heavy.aah..the things you do with your fingers. Sigh. Do you remember me coming on your lap.  My hair was all over the place and I was writhing on the floor with only the blanket covering me and you were whispering that I look damn hot when I lose it on that floor with you…And we will start kissing.. I will always remember the kisses. It was what kept us going. I believe we kept coming back for that. For all those kisses..

Im writing again. Is it a good or a bad thing...

This blog...is my therapy. I thought I have healed and well and off this so called "meds". But lately, its a need again. Ive lost Soleil. Well we sort of went our separate ways. Its been more than a year. I was happier. I had other friends. Life have changed for the better and me and my other half is now very happy together.

Then..I got sick.

I had to be quarantined for more than a week. Those days when I was in pain and lying half drugged made me think. Probably it was the loneliness and feeling of death. I dunno what it was but it was really bad. Suddenly I start thinking about my past and all my past sins. What have I done? Will I ever recover from my mistakes? Will I ever forget?

When I recovered, I went out with girls. And somewhere along the way, I find myself staring into space. I can't speak no more. They have moved on other things. Things which I have nothing in common with. I'm not in this world anymore. Although I joined the chat and laughter, but deep inside i feel so alone. I miss Soleil. Sometimes in this world there is that one friend you can talk to and no one is the same and that is what she was to me. But what happened was so painful and I refuse to turn back. She made me cautious. She made me regret. She is now the reason why I have all this trust issues. It is so hard to open up and speak and to share again. I tried with my other half but he just don't get it and we end up arguing about it. The fact that I can speak to Soleil and not be able to share it with him is something he just cannot comprehend and he feels dejected by it.

So as I lie here today. All I can think is I need to write again. I need to express myself and get it all out. As I read my past postings and I cannot believe how miserable I was when I was writing all those things.

But now, I am happier. Still a bit lonely at times. But I blame it on the hormones these days. Just those time of the month. But I do miss Soleil. And I so so miss Butterfly. Once in awhile I still dream of him. I even wake up with tears on my cheek. How corny is that... or is it just sad...

Flirty On Air

Was listening to a show on the radio. Despite how corny it sounds, Flirty at Ten Thirty is quite interesting. Without actually realising it, you are actually holding your breath waiting for the answer. Wondering whether its gonna be a sweet one or its just gonna BOMB!! Flirty at Ten thirty is actually a radio show for those who are too shy to ask their lust object out. Last night's show was the worst, when they guy told the gal who asked him out that he's not INTERESTED. Not only he told her off directly he told her and the world (on air) that he was just flirting with her all these while because his buddy asked him to test her out. What an asshole!!!Well, later the station was bombarded by calls defending the girl and lashing out at the jerk. Serve him right.


I'm down with a bad cough. Maybe it is something in the cough mixture. Feeling a bit down the weather but still up for a day out with the cousins. Going out later and just hope I wont piss in my pants when I cough away.

I'm moving from the house. The house which holds so many memories. I never thought it would be this hard but yes it is hard. It is so difficult to just walk away. It is a lot of baggage to throw out. So painful to let go. To not look back and change my mind.

tonight..i'm broken

I do not know why but I only write when I am in this melancholic mood. Tonight of all the nights seems to be colder than usual. I feel lonelier than before. I have no idea how much longer I can endure my life. To be apart from the one you love. To be separated with the one you made a vow to. Till death do us part, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health..

I long for company. i hate to say this but I long for my butterfly. I wish I can just hear him say something, his voice. Just a call or a text which I can stare into endlessly.

I am broken inside. My head is messed up. I am not myself and I so need to get away. At certain times I think of butterfly and I am in total control. He does not effect me like before. I have sort of moved on. But sometimes like tonight I feel like rolling on the floor. I feel the ache so deep inside. Like a bottomless hole of nothingness. I have lost faith in myself. In my abilities. In my own potential. There are days you feel like you can conquer the world and then, there are days such as today.

When all you feel is...loss.

Lost.

Alone.

Empty.

All i want is to lie down in his arms. I really need it. Just to breathe the same air he breathes. Just to hear him breathing. I really need to hear it. Even if it is just for a while. Even if its only in my dream.

Deep dark and sombre

Today, I watched the movie No Country for Old Men and I read the forum of the movie. So many heavy issues. SO many problems. The world is so dark and there is a foreboding future ahead of you. What a depressing subject. But today am feeling extra down.Then found the quote below.

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

what sort of question is that?

It is a question that makes you stop and think. It is a question that makes you sigh. You do not know the answer. It just a question that makes you feel so lost. So pathetic. So lonely. Loneliness. It is a deep dark subject for me. It eats you up inside.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

How right is this one. It hits on you right on the spot. It is so true. I am now happy with my current partner. I have found my soulmate in him. He is my partner in life and death. We gave our promise to God to love and cherish each other for as long as we shall live.

But somehow, deep inside this heart..I still find it hard to forget another. My past. After all these while I am still writing about him. Why is it so hard to forget. Why is it the mere memories can still bring tears to my eyes and pain in this soul. Why is it so hard to just walk away. I have walked away from it all. I have moved away. I have done what I can. I just cannot erased the memories. What happened between us. Was it a mistake? Were we victims of circumstances? Or is it just me following my heart and not my head? I find myself asking the same question over and over again. Delve deeper and i am so not sure I want to know the actual answer.

I keep playing the scene. What if one day our path crosses? I seriously cannot imagine. Sometime I think I can just walk away as cool as a cucumber. At times, like today....I think I would just fall and die. I would be so broken and messed up and my emotions would just swallow me up.

I will never know for sure what would happen unless our path crosses I guess.

Funny emails

Gosh, he sent this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS email. Well it sorts of like minutes of meeting but hilarious all the same. It is bad when I can stare at his name for quite a while but too nervous to say anything. It is bad..

Actually its been a while since I can intellectually relate to a guy. That is what you get when you kept messing up with little boys and not REAL MEN. But then, the men that came our way are definitely not available. Especially if he happens to have really nice hair and mesmerizing eyes.

Then, there is the pressure of trying to be more witty than one is capable of. All this is done to impress the person one is having a crush on. It is not amusing at all. It is tiring and after a while, it gets to you. You feel like really dumb. Dumb as Bridget Jones dumb. Plus, you are SO not yourself. You try so hard to be this attractive, mature and confident woman. It is all an act when you actually feel like a blundering idiot. But it is bad when you see him online and suddenly you become all restless and damn if you can wipe that awful smirk off your face.

The guy is obsess with Star Wars and theres innuendos in the emails that reflects on how a chauvanistic asshole he can be. But then who the bloody cares. All that matter right now is to stop grinning like a bimbo and to try stop having goose bumps just thinking of him. Gosh, I SO feel like im sixteen again and going strong.

Its my birthday!!!!

Yahoo!!!

Today is my birthday!!!! Hehee..so much for celebration. I'm here on my own. My other half will be stationed in the city soon. Soon, i'll be back to my old routine.Playing with fire is thrilling but soon it fizzles out. Life is back to normal = boring.

I'm still doing my content writing. Plus, we are really getting acquainted quite well. He likes my jokes.Hmmm...never thought I can be funny though. But then,one can never take life so seriously.

I got birthday wishes from my siblings and cousins. But I waited one from Soleil which I know will never come. It is such a sad ending to a great friendship. But I know it is for the best. The relationship was waaaaaay too weird. It ate us up. It was consuming and I felt suffocated. Although, in the beginning I was really down, now it is some sort of a relief not to have the burden. I can never make her happy enough. Whatever I do is never good enough. How much longer must I go on that way?

Friendship is about giving and also receiving. Somewhere along the line we lost our sincerity. I miss the good times we had but I certainly do not miss the abuse in the name of friendship which I had to endure.

Am i going down the same road again?

Am i doing it all over again? It is the thrill that I can't shake it off. Its making me feel a bit light headed. Like I just down a bottle of scotch. It was something. There was something in the air making both of us quite er..nervous.

I am afterall a mature woman. Not exactly old not that young either. Im at my peak. Plus, I do not think I look so bad being in my early 30s. My experience with the opposite isnt exactly limited. Ive had my share of guys. But its been awhile, with MEN. Real men. Sad to say, only little boys come my way. They may be delicious to taste but not much substance there.

This time, this round, he sounds like a MAN. Actually,he sounds really hot. Plus, me not mistaking the flirty part of the so called 'business conversation'. It was about business. It was all business mind you. But then,...is it my imagination or was he trying to lengthen the conversation. Told him he could just mailed me the link but he waited for it to load. The content that I needed I mean. And while it loads, we had small talk. Flirty giggles and all. Im guilty of it absolutely. I tried to make it sound like a sexy throaty laugh of a 30 year old but it ended up sounding like a 15 year old giggle. Shucks!!

I tried my best to sound all business like though..but GOSH I cant seem to wipe this smile off my face. Im wearing this Cheshire grin all over my face and I cant help myself. THATS why I have to blog. Just to get it all out of my chest. He sounds SO sO macho! SUCH A MANLY VOICE!!!

I so hope he ends up looking like a dog. But then, the info I got hmmm... Well, its at least something exciting thing that I can look up to.

What an interesting day it has been. Wonder what tomorrow holds....

Its been a while...

New year, new haircut..ehmmm..new resolutions??? Fraid not..hehehe...same old same old...

Nway, I am currently doing some content writing for this website by this big oil & gas company. Gosh..it is such a PAIN! Doing the same thing all over and over again is absolutely torturous!!!

But then, the best part is the middle guy..hehehe.. Here I am sounding like a 15 year old again. I've got loads to do but here I am BLOGGING. I only blog when I have something up my chest and when it feels like its about to blow, I just have to write it down. I can't help it.

He SOUNDS cute. But best of all, he writes VERY WELL. I'm a sucker for those with a flair for words. Nice name too. I do not know why, being stuck here. Doing work from home is not what it cracked out to be. I have absolutely no social life!!! Even a slight attention from a stranger I have never met makes it ssssoo exciting. I am pathetic, I know. Which explains why this site is supposedly anonymous except to those who know me so well that they READ BEYOND mere words..hehehe..:-))

A little bird told me he's CUTE and VERY MARRIED!!! SO what, we'll never meet but he'll be some sort of fantasy that can be something I can look forward too in my daily BLAND life.

Cest La Vie..les moi

Somebody sent me an email yesterday. Well a few emails actually saying that I tempt fate. Asking me to stop obsessing over a single text message. I haven't replied to any of my emails, because I am writing about it all here. I don't normally talk about the comments I received, but today I just feel like it.

This blog is my therapy. I am here all on my own. My life is not a bed of roses. I need this blog to keep my sanity INTACT. There are things which some of you have done on a whim, leaving all sensible reasons. There are no justifications to what I have done. Even if I do, it will never be enough.

I am not here because I want to, away from my friends and family. I am not here to take a break from the city. I am here because I have no other choice. I am stuck here. No matter what happens, I'm stuck here. It is a complex circumstance which I am unable to explain, in other words, I couldn't be bothered to explain anymore.

I am living my life the way the flow brought me. I am making the best of what comes my way. Maybe I jinxed it a bit for some excitement but basically I am just 'going with the flow'.

Don't read and judge me. I feel liberated this way. This blog makes me feel as I am just walking around naked. I am free here. I can bare my heart and soul here and nobody can deny me this freedom. At least not in my own bloody blog. Thank you for all the criticism and inquiries. I am not here to please anybody but myself.

Told him...

Its been a while. Its been more than a year. Coming to two years since the last time we kept in touch. Last night was really a hot sweaty and lonely night. Decided to sent him a text just out of the blue hehee. Told him about the blog. And what do you know, he actually replied and asked for the link HAHAHA.. How much you wanna bet that he'll never find this blog. There is no way this blog can be connected with me, unless you know my story "sigh".

So the butterfly is still very much alive and well. Curiosity kills the cat. I have no idea what drove me to tell. Was it because I was too tired and trying to sleep but can't. I don't know. I just felt like it I guess. I'd probably regret it all later on, but what the heck. What's done is done.

I'll never give him the link nor will I reply the text, just hope it will drive him crazy looking for THE blog..:-))

This therapy is really good. It is doing me a lot of good :-))