What a start to my day...

I dunno why but it 8am and Im already depressed. Its too early for me mope around, its like its too early for me to get drunk..

I shot for the sky, Im stuck on the ground. So why did I try I know Im gonna fall down.

I miss him so badly. Its all coming back and I wish there is a way to stop this wave of memories. It has been so long but these days, sleeping is hard and when I wake up he is the only one I think. What is the matter with me? Im being such a fool. It is too early to be a fool.

I have a family gathering today. Lets hope things can sort of distract me. Maybe it is being cooped up in this room that is driving me nuts. I am just being stupid.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind..

I wonder if you think of me sometimes...

Am i that forgettable?

Stupid freakin avatars..

I saw him online and he is seriously messing with my head. I should let it go. But I saw the pic. What are the odds that I am never online and never check my YM that I end up seeing all this today. Today of all the days. Today is the day that I bumped into that stupid avatar of a bald headed ass with a freakin beating heart. What the hell??? Im not sure how to handle it.Im so over him. When I saw the pic, the lips..sheesh...lips which is probably kissin another bitch at this very moment. Anyway,I am so over him. I have moved on. I am so over this creep!! I can handle this. i am a mature independent woman. I can handle the freakin avatar with the red beatin heart!! What the fuck! What sort of corny avatar is that?? An avatar that tells the world that you are head over heels in love..

An avatar that brought me to my knees. An avatar that left me sobbing on the floor just now...Sheesh stupid dumb avatar..Why cant avatar be as hunky and hot as Sam Worthington..and not stupid bald with a freakin beatin heart..

Baby I miss you....

I miss you…
It has been years. It has been so so long when I felt this way. Is it because my hormone is going crazy or is it because I truly miss you. Or simply because I am writing again. I have not written anything for ages. Because I thought I have moved on. Then wham…it all came back to me. It was as if somebody blocked it and 2 years later its back in full blown and I can remember every details of it. 

I wanna write this down so I wont forget it. We were in a car and  that was the first time I saw you without your cap on. I never thought bald was cute but then that night you were beyond cute. We stopped and I was feeling quite awkward. There was tension in the car and I kept looking the other way cuz I was too nervous to look at you. Then you ask for my hand as you held out your palm. Slowly I put my hand in yours and slowly you ran your fingers on the lines in my palm. It was so slow and sexy that I found myself holding my breath. I look out the window and started saying something which I totally have forgotten by now because of what came next simply blew my mind away. I turn to you and you grabbed my head and gave me that KISS.  We kissed so many times after that but it will never be the same as that kiss. I was in shocked at first. But your lip was so intense and I can feel slowly the desire  building up. I kissed you back and when you slide your tongue in, I stopped breathing. When we broke away we were both panting. I had a hard time believing that it all was not a dream when you dropped me home.  A few nights later I asked you to stay when you dropped me home and you gave me some feeble excuse about needing to wake up early the next day. Then you texted me, “babe you look so sweet that you have no idea how hard is it for me to walk away last night”. I smiled the whole week and kept the text in my phone for ages.

I was in my most confused and lonely place all those time when we were having that so called fling. You took full advantage of it and baby I just don’t give a damn. And do you remember when we were making out in the car and it was your first time making it to second base. You keep wanting to touch my breast after that. There goes the kissing.  I remember running my hands on your jeans as we kiss in the car. I remember your face and your heavy breathing as you get all hot and bothered. You look all drunk and crazy and your eyes  gets all droopy and your hands were all over me. And I remember so badly I wanted to sit on your lap as you drive and kiss you endlessly.

Everytime we were making out it was totally intense and I remember biting your earlobe, licking your neck and touching you. You open your eyes and started kissing me. The next thing I know you were on top of me. Till today, I am still amazed at how fast it was for you to undo my bra straps and getting me naked in no time. Maybe it was because of all the kissing that was causing the haze in my brain. I will always remember the kisses. I love putting my hand all over your shoulder and feel your shaved head under my fingers. Nope you had no hair for me to run my fingers in but you had that fabulous neck and rasp and tingling feel of that shaved head of yours. I love kissing you and absolutely losing myself in that kiss. I love just having to kiss and not do anything heavier than that.  I can never control myself when we are together. My head keep saying no but with every flick of your fingers, I lost it. It is as if something else has taken over my body and I can just sigh and moan. It was crazy. It was so so crazy and mindless and oh so so wrong…

Baby, do you remember that night when it rained and we were all hot and heavy.aah..the things you do with your fingers. Sigh. Do you remember me coming on your lap.  My hair was all over the place and I was writhing on the floor with only the blanket covering me and you were whispering that I look damn hot when I lose it on that floor with you…And we will start kissing.. I will always remember the kisses. It was what kept us going. I believe we kept coming back for that. For all those kisses..

Im writing again. Is it a good or a bad thing...

This blog...is my therapy. I thought I have healed and well and off this so called "meds". But lately, its a need again. Ive lost Soleil. Well we sort of went our separate ways. Its been more than a year. I was happier. I had other friends. Life have changed for the better and me and my other half is now very happy together.

Then..I got sick.

I had to be quarantined for more than a week. Those days when I was in pain and lying half drugged made me think. Probably it was the loneliness and feeling of death. I dunno what it was but it was really bad. Suddenly I start thinking about my past and all my past sins. What have I done? Will I ever recover from my mistakes? Will I ever forget?

When I recovered, I went out with girls. And somewhere along the way, I find myself staring into space. I can't speak no more. They have moved on other things. Things which I have nothing in common with. I'm not in this world anymore. Although I joined the chat and laughter, but deep inside i feel so alone. I miss Soleil. Sometimes in this world there is that one friend you can talk to and no one is the same and that is what she was to me. But what happened was so painful and I refuse to turn back. She made me cautious. She made me regret. She is now the reason why I have all this trust issues. It is so hard to open up and speak and to share again. I tried with my other half but he just don't get it and we end up arguing about it. The fact that I can speak to Soleil and not be able to share it with him is something he just cannot comprehend and he feels dejected by it.

So as I lie here today. All I can think is I need to write again. I need to express myself and get it all out. As I read my past postings and I cannot believe how miserable I was when I was writing all those things.

But now, I am happier. Still a bit lonely at times. But I blame it on the hormones these days. Just those time of the month. But I do miss Soleil. And I so so miss Butterfly. Once in awhile I still dream of him. I even wake up with tears on my cheek. How corny is that... or is it just sad...

Flirty On Air

Was listening to a show on the radio. Despite how corny it sounds, Flirty at Ten Thirty is quite interesting. Without actually realising it, you are actually holding your breath waiting for the answer. Wondering whether its gonna be a sweet one or its just gonna BOMB!! Flirty at Ten thirty is actually a radio show for those who are too shy to ask their lust object out. Last night's show was the worst, when they guy told the gal who asked him out that he's not INTERESTED. Not only he told her off directly he told her and the world (on air) that he was just flirting with her all these while because his buddy asked him to test her out. What an asshole!!!Well, later the station was bombarded by calls defending the girl and lashing out at the jerk. Serve him right.


I'm down with a bad cough. Maybe it is something in the cough mixture. Feeling a bit down the weather but still up for a day out with the cousins. Going out later and just hope I wont piss in my pants when I cough away.

I'm moving from the house. The house which holds so many memories. I never thought it would be this hard but yes it is hard. It is so difficult to just walk away. It is a lot of baggage to throw out. So painful to let go. To not look back and change my mind.

tonight..i'm broken

I do not know why but I only write when I am in this melancholic mood. Tonight of all the nights seems to be colder than usual. I feel lonelier than before. I have no idea how much longer I can endure my life. To be apart from the one you love. To be separated with the one you made a vow to. Till death do us part, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health..

I long for company. i hate to say this but I long for my butterfly. I wish I can just hear him say something, his voice. Just a call or a text which I can stare into endlessly.

I am broken inside. My head is messed up. I am not myself and I so need to get away. At certain times I think of butterfly and I am in total control. He does not effect me like before. I have sort of moved on. But sometimes like tonight I feel like rolling on the floor. I feel the ache so deep inside. Like a bottomless hole of nothingness. I have lost faith in myself. In my abilities. In my own potential. There are days you feel like you can conquer the world and then, there are days such as today.

When all you feel is...loss.

Lost.

Alone.

Empty.

All i want is to lie down in his arms. I really need it. Just to breathe the same air he breathes. Just to hear him breathing. I really need to hear it. Even if it is just for a while. Even if its only in my dream.

Deep dark and sombre

Today, I watched the movie No Country for Old Men and I read the forum of the movie. So many heavy issues. SO many problems. The world is so dark and there is a foreboding future ahead of you. What a depressing subject. But today am feeling extra down.Then found the quote below.

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

what sort of question is that?

It is a question that makes you stop and think. It is a question that makes you sigh. You do not know the answer. It just a question that makes you feel so lost. So pathetic. So lonely. Loneliness. It is a deep dark subject for me. It eats you up inside.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

How right is this one. It hits on you right on the spot. It is so true. I am now happy with my current partner. I have found my soulmate in him. He is my partner in life and death. We gave our promise to God to love and cherish each other for as long as we shall live.

But somehow, deep inside this heart..I still find it hard to forget another. My past. After all these while I am still writing about him. Why is it so hard to forget. Why is it the mere memories can still bring tears to my eyes and pain in this soul. Why is it so hard to just walk away. I have walked away from it all. I have moved away. I have done what I can. I just cannot erased the memories. What happened between us. Was it a mistake? Were we victims of circumstances? Or is it just me following my heart and not my head? I find myself asking the same question over and over again. Delve deeper and i am so not sure I want to know the actual answer.

I keep playing the scene. What if one day our path crosses? I seriously cannot imagine. Sometime I think I can just walk away as cool as a cucumber. At times, like today....I think I would just fall and die. I would be so broken and messed up and my emotions would just swallow me up.

I will never know for sure what would happen unless our path crosses I guess.

Funny emails

Gosh, he sent this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS email. Well it sorts of like minutes of meeting but hilarious all the same. It is bad when I can stare at his name for quite a while but too nervous to say anything. It is bad..

Actually its been a while since I can intellectually relate to a guy. That is what you get when you kept messing up with little boys and not REAL MEN. But then, the men that came our way are definitely not available. Especially if he happens to have really nice hair and mesmerizing eyes.

Then, there is the pressure of trying to be more witty than one is capable of. All this is done to impress the person one is having a crush on. It is not amusing at all. It is tiring and after a while, it gets to you. You feel like really dumb. Dumb as Bridget Jones dumb. Plus, you are SO not yourself. You try so hard to be this attractive, mature and confident woman. It is all an act when you actually feel like a blundering idiot. But it is bad when you see him online and suddenly you become all restless and damn if you can wipe that awful smirk off your face.

The guy is obsess with Star Wars and theres innuendos in the emails that reflects on how a chauvanistic asshole he can be. But then who the bloody cares. All that matter right now is to stop grinning like a bimbo and to try stop having goose bumps just thinking of him. Gosh, I SO feel like im sixteen again and going strong.

Its my birthday!!!!

Yahoo!!!

Today is my birthday!!!! Hehee..so much for celebration. I'm here on my own. My other half will be stationed in the city soon. Soon, i'll be back to my old routine.Playing with fire is thrilling but soon it fizzles out. Life is back to normal = boring.

I'm still doing my content writing. Plus, we are really getting acquainted quite well. He likes my jokes.Hmmm...never thought I can be funny though. But then,one can never take life so seriously.

I got birthday wishes from my siblings and cousins. But I waited one from Soleil which I know will never come. It is such a sad ending to a great friendship. But I know it is for the best. The relationship was waaaaaay too weird. It ate us up. It was consuming and I felt suffocated. Although, in the beginning I was really down, now it is some sort of a relief not to have the burden. I can never make her happy enough. Whatever I do is never good enough. How much longer must I go on that way?

Friendship is about giving and also receiving. Somewhere along the line we lost our sincerity. I miss the good times we had but I certainly do not miss the abuse in the name of friendship which I had to endure.

Am i going down the same road again?

Am i doing it all over again? It is the thrill that I can't shake it off. Its making me feel a bit light headed. Like I just down a bottle of scotch. It was something. There was something in the air making both of us quite er..nervous.

I am afterall a mature woman. Not exactly old not that young either. Im at my peak. Plus, I do not think I look so bad being in my early 30s. My experience with the opposite isnt exactly limited. Ive had my share of guys. But its been awhile, with MEN. Real men. Sad to say, only little boys come my way. They may be delicious to taste but not much substance there.

This time, this round, he sounds like a MAN. Actually,he sounds really hot. Plus, me not mistaking the flirty part of the so called 'business conversation'. It was about business. It was all business mind you. But then,...is it my imagination or was he trying to lengthen the conversation. Told him he could just mailed me the link but he waited for it to load. The content that I needed I mean. And while it loads, we had small talk. Flirty giggles and all. Im guilty of it absolutely. I tried to make it sound like a sexy throaty laugh of a 30 year old but it ended up sounding like a 15 year old giggle. Shucks!!

I tried my best to sound all business like though..but GOSH I cant seem to wipe this smile off my face. Im wearing this Cheshire grin all over my face and I cant help myself. THATS why I have to blog. Just to get it all out of my chest. He sounds SO sO macho! SUCH A MANLY VOICE!!!

I so hope he ends up looking like a dog. But then, the info I got hmmm... Well, its at least something exciting thing that I can look up to.

What an interesting day it has been. Wonder what tomorrow holds....

Its been a while...

New year, new haircut..ehmmm..new resolutions??? Fraid not..hehehe...same old same old...

Nway, I am currently doing some content writing for this website by this big oil & gas company. Gosh..it is such a PAIN! Doing the same thing all over and over again is absolutely torturous!!!

But then, the best part is the middle guy..hehehe.. Here I am sounding like a 15 year old again. I've got loads to do but here I am BLOGGING. I only blog when I have something up my chest and when it feels like its about to blow, I just have to write it down. I can't help it.

He SOUNDS cute. But best of all, he writes VERY WELL. I'm a sucker for those with a flair for words. Nice name too. I do not know why, being stuck here. Doing work from home is not what it cracked out to be. I have absolutely no social life!!! Even a slight attention from a stranger I have never met makes it ssssoo exciting. I am pathetic, I know. Which explains why this site is supposedly anonymous except to those who know me so well that they READ BEYOND mere words..hehehe..:-))

A little bird told me he's CUTE and VERY MARRIED!!! SO what, we'll never meet but he'll be some sort of fantasy that can be something I can look forward too in my daily BLAND life.

Cest La Vie..les moi

Somebody sent me an email yesterday. Well a few emails actually saying that I tempt fate. Asking me to stop obsessing over a single text message. I haven't replied to any of my emails, because I am writing about it all here. I don't normally talk about the comments I received, but today I just feel like it.

This blog is my therapy. I am here all on my own. My life is not a bed of roses. I need this blog to keep my sanity INTACT. There are things which some of you have done on a whim, leaving all sensible reasons. There are no justifications to what I have done. Even if I do, it will never be enough.

I am not here because I want to, away from my friends and family. I am not here to take a break from the city. I am here because I have no other choice. I am stuck here. No matter what happens, I'm stuck here. It is a complex circumstance which I am unable to explain, in other words, I couldn't be bothered to explain anymore.

I am living my life the way the flow brought me. I am making the best of what comes my way. Maybe I jinxed it a bit for some excitement but basically I am just 'going with the flow'.

Don't read and judge me. I feel liberated this way. This blog makes me feel as I am just walking around naked. I am free here. I can bare my heart and soul here and nobody can deny me this freedom. At least not in my own bloody blog. Thank you for all the criticism and inquiries. I am not here to please anybody but myself.

Told him...

Its been a while. Its been more than a year. Coming to two years since the last time we kept in touch. Last night was really a hot sweaty and lonely night. Decided to sent him a text just out of the blue hehee. Told him about the blog. And what do you know, he actually replied and asked for the link HAHAHA.. How much you wanna bet that he'll never find this blog. There is no way this blog can be connected with me, unless you know my story "sigh".

So the butterfly is still very much alive and well. Curiosity kills the cat. I have no idea what drove me to tell. Was it because I was too tired and trying to sleep but can't. I don't know. I just felt like it I guess. I'd probably regret it all later on, but what the heck. What's done is done.

I'll never give him the link nor will I reply the text, just hope it will drive him crazy looking for THE blog..:-))

This therapy is really good. It is doing me a lot of good :-))

My life in a book

Now who in the world would write a book about a nobody like me? Well actually I'm in the midst of finishing this novel. Chick Lit. The writer is Jennifer Weiner. Goodnight Nobody. It’s about a mother of three. Which in the beginning is certainly not me. But as I read on, I felt as if the words were coming out of my own thoughts. Especially the part where Evan Mckenna came into the picture. Sigh..

The words I have written in this blog itself. But its better written of course, minus the confused grammar and what not. Afterall, she’s the writer, me, I’m just the blogger..who’s a nobody.

I’m in a space of my life where confusion and complex is a dirty little word. My life is in a whirl. I am lost and I feel so helpless and alone. Here I am in my sad little world, trying to convince myself and the world that I am living the Dream. Sometimes it feels really tiring going against the wave of reality. Sometimes, it is good for the soul to live the life as Kate Klein of Goodnight Nobody. Let just say a few of us unlucky souls in the world can really relate to what she’s going through, yet the novel sort of added a few parts to sensationalize her dreary life. Afterall, one need to sell the lit and reality can be a bore most of the times.

Her excitement other than the murder of the perfect housewife (which is normally Kate’s object of envy) is of course the hunk who happened to be her past love. There’s a part where she stares at him, trying to memorise .

“Time seemed to slow down,in order to give me a chance to permanently engrave every detail of the scene in my mind, so I’d be able to have it at my fingertips and replay it over and over again for the rest of my life…”

Isnt it all so familiar. It is as if what ever I had felt was being said in words and being played by the characters in the book. Painful and very poignant . I become so emotional that I had to stop reading. But then fiction slaps me in the face. The character than managed to run off to er..LONDON. Hehe, so much for similarity. I ran away too, just not that far and certainly less glamorous. Well, London, glamorous? Well its where Kate Moss is from! Anyway, the other part in the book, well this is another thought picked from my brain, no, my soul actually, my heart,..

“I would have run away with you. If you’d ever really asked”

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I really would have. I’d dropped everything. Well, not that I have that much. What I have a lot is PAIN. I have a lot of those. Want some?

Its too much drama and too much nonsense. If he comes back, would I have drop it all off? Or would I just turn the other way,breathe in my pain and just walk on. Walk on my reality knowing that whatever he offers, it is just a bit of fiction. His fiction.

Meer, somewhere in my heart…meant for each other just not meant to be together. Remember?

Me blogging again..

5th February last year, you called and that was it. Last night, I had a dream. It was a wonderful dream. I woke up smiling. I forced myself to continue sleeping because the feeling I had, I just want to feel it again. I grabbed a pillow and hugged the pillow and in my head I smelled you. That natural musky, I just had my shower smell which you always have.

As I lay back, in the dream there was a vision of me calling out for you from the balcony. And there you were, you stuck your head out and said, Yes hon? And I said, “ Love, I want to follow,” and you said, “Hon, maybe later I’ll see you. I have to settle this first.”

It doesn’t make much sense. But the feeling stays, it stayed even when I woke up. The feeling, the overwhelming sense of contentment. You know, the feeling that this is where I belong. The hell with reality, this is what I want. I never call anybody else “sayang”. I thought of it as corny, but when you first called me that, I feel it. That feeling…

It was the same feeling I had, the morning I woke up and saw you. It was the same feeling I felt that rainy night when you stayed over. It was the same feeling I had, every time I pushed the drape and saw you over the gate. It was the same feeling I had, when I turn and feel you behind me and having your arms around me as I sleep. The same feeling I had whenever I feel your lips softly kissing mine. It was the feeling I had as I look into your eyes under the soft light with Maroon 5 in the background.It was a sort of feeling I would probably never feel again.

I can’t really describe it, but I feel it everytime I hear the song by Snow Patrol, Run and Unkle Bob, Swans. Which is why I am listening to the songs as I am writing this. It was as if my heart sort of glowed, warm and fuzzy feeling. Is it love? I am not that sure. I thought I got over it all. I thought I am totally over you. I went on with my life. I am moving on.

At that moment, when I had the feeling, it doesn’t matter that in reality my life is so not stable. That my career is in wreck. That my head is so confused. What matters is that warm feeling, that pure happiness and calmness that I felt as I stared up and saw you. It is the feeling of expecting you, waiting for you and finally seeing you at the door. It is a feeling which I just can’t compare. Maybe, I will never feel it again, but having it once in my life was worth it.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it any where
Away from here


Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think i might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Nothing has change..nothing at all..

Ten Days

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...

Its been more than ten days...but it hurts all the same...it hurts as if it all happened yesterday. It was as if yesterday, you said gbye and disappeared from my life forever.

The song is from Missy Higgins

I want to be rescued..

I remember running away in a crowd. Gasping for air. The hurt and pain I feel suffocates me. I can feel my lungs tighten and my chest hurts. I need air. I need space. I need to be rescued.

Suddenly I am on a beach. I see the waves splashing on the white sands. My breathing slows down. Slowly the sight calms me. I breathe in. Fresh air. Lots and lots of space. Slowly I look back and I saw him looking at me. As our eyes meet, the look brings back the ache I feel in my heart. His eyes, full of questions. He hesitates and he did not walk over. How I wish this is all real. At that moment, it seemed real.

It was only a dream. But it felt so good. I was smiling the whole day. I want to be rescued that way. Although it was a dream, but the hurt and pain felt so real. I want to be held that way. He held me from behind, I felt him close and I felt safe.

I do not know who he is but it felt good. It was just a dream, but just as the intensity feels so real so does the pain. The loneliness and hopelessness of the circumstances. It was never meant to be. I would never leave him. Even if it means I will be sacrifing my own happiness. I know it will never work. I will make do with what I have. In real life, love is just never enough.

I'm starting work early morn tomorrow and here I am blogging. Crazy me. Crazy crazy me. I have a new theme song...Crazy crazy song. Its a feel good song and yeah the title is Crazy hehehe..

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

I remember when
I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that face (OR place, OR phase!)

Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

Mmm…

And when you’re out there
Without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Mmm…

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
(OR "possibly" - depending on what version you have)

An I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice
That’s my only advice

Mmm…

Come on now
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you think you are
Ha ha ha
Bless your soul
You really think you’re in control

Well
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on the limb
An all I remember
Is thinking I wanna be like them

Mmm…

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
It was no coincidence I’ve come
An I can die when I’m done

But maybe I’m crazy
But maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Aaah…ooooh…

Maybe I am crazy but then, so is the world. Superpowers are used to kill the weak and the oppressed are crushed further. There is no more good in this world if obvious evil and horrors are justified by people you vote to be your leaders.

Why am I so serious? Just reflecting on life a moment there.

I am suppose to be in a crazy mood. Time to go boogie...Nighty nite.

Is it the smile...? Is it the the structure of the jaw...? Is it the look that he gave..? As he turns when he drives..? The look he gave, at the corner of his eye...

The playful glint in the eyes...? The strut in his walk.. the rasp in his voice... the musky smells of his sweat as he finishes in the gym...? The smell of his skin?

Or is it way he held me in his arm..? The feel of his skin against mine? His lips as it brushes my neck..? His breath between my breasts? His legs between mine...The look in is eyes before his lips meet mine?

I remember my arms around him. I remember him pulling me close. I remember feeling his shaved head grazed my fingers whenever we kiss.

Maybe it was the kiss. That first kiss which caught me by surprise. The kiss which left me breathless...and so so confused. That kiss will forever haunt me...

He's Online...

I have finally settled down. I found something I love doing and earning money from it. I want to write, just did not have the time. Its 1.30 am in the morning and here I am. There is nothing much to write. None to pour, no anger, no sadness just..well still not content though. I have finally settled down again. everything is quiet and looks fine and okay. The waves softly splashes on the sandy beaches or sumthin like that. Then...WHAM!

He's back.

I saw him online!!!

I have forgotten that he is in my contact, since my YM setting is to see online contacts only. So one day, there it is..he's online!!!

Bloody hell...should i Say Hi or shouldn't I.

I logged out. ( the chicken in me I guess)

I logged in again..sheeshh..this might be the one and only time I get to see him online.

Portugal or Germany (the match was coming up in a few hours) so I just typed.. Portugal or Germany?

and he answered Germany

as it went along..he suddenly asked who is this??

HE DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER?

GOSH! AM I THAT FORGETTABLE?

hmmm...and then he typed baby is that u?

BABY? Which baby am I???

The one he's fucked in KL or the one he is currently fucking in Dublin.

What the fuck. I have no idea what am I doing wasting my time with this LOSER.

SO I logged the fuck out.