Cest La Vie..les moi

Somebody sent me an email yesterday. Well a few emails actually saying that I tempt fate. Asking me to stop obsessing over a single text message. I haven't replied to any of my emails, because I am writing about it all here. I don't normally talk about the comments I received, but today I just feel like it.

This blog is my therapy. I am here all on my own. My life is not a bed of roses. I need this blog to keep my sanity INTACT. There are things which some of you have done on a whim, leaving all sensible reasons. There are no justifications to what I have done. Even if I do, it will never be enough.

I am not here because I want to, away from my friends and family. I am not here to take a break from the city. I am here because I have no other choice. I am stuck here. No matter what happens, I'm stuck here. It is a complex circumstance which I am unable to explain, in other words, I couldn't be bothered to explain anymore.

I am living my life the way the flow brought me. I am making the best of what comes my way. Maybe I jinxed it a bit for some excitement but basically I am just 'going with the flow'.

Don't read and judge me. I feel liberated this way. This blog makes me feel as I am just walking around naked. I am free here. I can bare my heart and soul here and nobody can deny me this freedom. At least not in my own bloody blog. Thank you for all the criticism and inquiries. I am not here to please anybody but myself.

Told him...

Its been a while. Its been more than a year. Coming to two years since the last time we kept in touch. Last night was really a hot sweaty and lonely night. Decided to sent him a text just out of the blue hehee. Told him about the blog. And what do you know, he actually replied and asked for the link HAHAHA.. How much you wanna bet that he'll never find this blog. There is no way this blog can be connected with me, unless you know my story "sigh".

So the butterfly is still very much alive and well. Curiosity kills the cat. I have no idea what drove me to tell. Was it because I was too tired and trying to sleep but can't. I don't know. I just felt like it I guess. I'd probably regret it all later on, but what the heck. What's done is done.

I'll never give him the link nor will I reply the text, just hope it will drive him crazy looking for THE blog..:-))

This therapy is really good. It is doing me a lot of good :-))

My life in a book

Now who in the world would write a book about a nobody like me? Well actually I'm in the midst of finishing this novel. Chick Lit. The writer is Jennifer Weiner. Goodnight Nobody. It’s about a mother of three. Which in the beginning is certainly not me. But as I read on, I felt as if the words were coming out of my own thoughts. Especially the part where Evan Mckenna came into the picture. Sigh..

The words I have written in this blog itself. But its better written of course, minus the confused grammar and what not. Afterall, she’s the writer, me, I’m just the blogger..who’s a nobody.

I’m in a space of my life where confusion and complex is a dirty little word. My life is in a whirl. I am lost and I feel so helpless and alone. Here I am in my sad little world, trying to convince myself and the world that I am living the Dream. Sometimes it feels really tiring going against the wave of reality. Sometimes, it is good for the soul to live the life as Kate Klein of Goodnight Nobody. Let just say a few of us unlucky souls in the world can really relate to what she’s going through, yet the novel sort of added a few parts to sensationalize her dreary life. Afterall, one need to sell the lit and reality can be a bore most of the times.

Her excitement other than the murder of the perfect housewife (which is normally Kate’s object of envy) is of course the hunk who happened to be her past love. There’s a part where she stares at him, trying to memorise .

“Time seemed to slow down,in order to give me a chance to permanently engrave every detail of the scene in my mind, so I’d be able to have it at my fingertips and replay it over and over again for the rest of my life…”

Isnt it all so familiar. It is as if what ever I had felt was being said in words and being played by the characters in the book. Painful and very poignant . I become so emotional that I had to stop reading. But then fiction slaps me in the face. The character than managed to run off to er..LONDON. Hehe, so much for similarity. I ran away too, just not that far and certainly less glamorous. Well, London, glamorous? Well its where Kate Moss is from! Anyway, the other part in the book, well this is another thought picked from my brain, no, my soul actually, my heart,..

“I would have run away with you. If you’d ever really asked”

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I really would have. I’d dropped everything. Well, not that I have that much. What I have a lot is PAIN. I have a lot of those. Want some?

Its too much drama and too much nonsense. If he comes back, would I have drop it all off? Or would I just turn the other way,breathe in my pain and just walk on. Walk on my reality knowing that whatever he offers, it is just a bit of fiction. His fiction.

Meer, somewhere in my heart…meant for each other just not meant to be together. Remember?

Me blogging again..

5th February last year, you called and that was it. Last night, I had a dream. It was a wonderful dream. I woke up smiling. I forced myself to continue sleeping because the feeling I had, I just want to feel it again. I grabbed a pillow and hugged the pillow and in my head I smelled you. That natural musky, I just had my shower smell which you always have.

As I lay back, in the dream there was a vision of me calling out for you from the balcony. And there you were, you stuck your head out and said, Yes hon? And I said, “ Love, I want to follow,” and you said, “Hon, maybe later I’ll see you. I have to settle this first.”

It doesn’t make much sense. But the feeling stays, it stayed even when I woke up. The feeling, the overwhelming sense of contentment. You know, the feeling that this is where I belong. The hell with reality, this is what I want. I never call anybody else “sayang”. I thought of it as corny, but when you first called me that, I feel it. That feeling…

It was the same feeling I had, the morning I woke up and saw you. It was the same feeling I felt that rainy night when you stayed over. It was the same feeling I had, every time I pushed the drape and saw you over the gate. It was the same feeling I had, when I turn and feel you behind me and having your arms around me as I sleep. The same feeling I had whenever I feel your lips softly kissing mine. It was the feeling I had as I look into your eyes under the soft light with Maroon 5 in the background.It was a sort of feeling I would probably never feel again.

I can’t really describe it, but I feel it everytime I hear the song by Snow Patrol, Run and Unkle Bob, Swans. Which is why I am listening to the songs as I am writing this. It was as if my heart sort of glowed, warm and fuzzy feeling. Is it love? I am not that sure. I thought I got over it all. I thought I am totally over you. I went on with my life. I am moving on.

At that moment, when I had the feeling, it doesn’t matter that in reality my life is so not stable. That my career is in wreck. That my head is so confused. What matters is that warm feeling, that pure happiness and calmness that I felt as I stared up and saw you. It is the feeling of expecting you, waiting for you and finally seeing you at the door. It is a feeling which I just can’t compare. Maybe, I will never feel it again, but having it once in my life was worth it.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it any where
Away from here


Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think i might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Nothing has change..nothing at all..

Ten Days

So we've put an end to it this time.
I'm no longer yours and you're no longer mine.
You said this hill looks far too steep
If I'm not even sure it's me you wanna keep.
And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes and
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

You won't talk me into it next time,
If I'm going away your hearts coming too.
'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace.

'Cos it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.

But time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
I've tried cutting the ropes,
Tried letting go but you're still the only one
That feels like home.

So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't...

'Cos baby time has changed nothing at all -
You're still the only one that feels like home.
And I've tried cutting the ropes,
I let you go but you're still the only one
That feels like home, yeah,
You're still the only one that feels like home,
You're still the only one I've gotta love.
Oh yeah...

Its been more than ten days...but it hurts all the same...it hurts as if it all happened yesterday. It was as if yesterday, you said gbye and disappeared from my life forever.

The song is from Missy Higgins

I want to be rescued..

I remember running away in a crowd. Gasping for air. The hurt and pain I feel suffocates me. I can feel my lungs tighten and my chest hurts. I need air. I need space. I need to be rescued.

Suddenly I am on a beach. I see the waves splashing on the white sands. My breathing slows down. Slowly the sight calms me. I breathe in. Fresh air. Lots and lots of space. Slowly I look back and I saw him looking at me. As our eyes meet, the look brings back the ache I feel in my heart. His eyes, full of questions. He hesitates and he did not walk over. How I wish this is all real. At that moment, it seemed real.

It was only a dream. But it felt so good. I was smiling the whole day. I want to be rescued that way. Although it was a dream, but the hurt and pain felt so real. I want to be held that way. He held me from behind, I felt him close and I felt safe.

I do not know who he is but it felt good. It was just a dream, but just as the intensity feels so real so does the pain. The loneliness and hopelessness of the circumstances. It was never meant to be. I would never leave him. Even if it means I will be sacrifing my own happiness. I know it will never work. I will make do with what I have. In real life, love is just never enough.

I'm starting work early morn tomorrow and here I am blogging. Crazy me. Crazy crazy me. I have a new theme song...Crazy crazy song. Its a feel good song and yeah the title is Crazy hehehe..

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

I remember when
I remember
I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that face (OR place, OR phase!)

Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

Mmm…

And when you’re out there
Without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Mmm…

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably
(OR "possibly" - depending on what version you have)

An I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice
That’s my only advice

Mmm…

Come on now
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you
Who do you think you are
Ha ha ha
Bless your soul
You really think you’re in control

Well
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
I think you’re crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To live their lives out on the limb
An all I remember
Is thinking I wanna be like them

Mmm…

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little it looked like fun
It was no coincidence I’ve come
An I can die when I’m done

But maybe I’m crazy
But maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Aaah…ooooh…

Maybe I am crazy but then, so is the world. Superpowers are used to kill the weak and the oppressed are crushed further. There is no more good in this world if obvious evil and horrors are justified by people you vote to be your leaders.

Why am I so serious? Just reflecting on life a moment there.

I am suppose to be in a crazy mood. Time to go boogie...Nighty nite.

Is it the smile...? Is it the the structure of the jaw...? Is it the look that he gave..? As he turns when he drives..? The look he gave, at the corner of his eye...

The playful glint in the eyes...? The strut in his walk.. the rasp in his voice... the musky smells of his sweat as he finishes in the gym...? The smell of his skin?

Or is it way he held me in his arm..? The feel of his skin against mine? His lips as it brushes my neck..? His breath between my breasts? His legs between mine...The look in is eyes before his lips meet mine?

I remember my arms around him. I remember him pulling me close. I remember feeling his shaved head grazed my fingers whenever we kiss.

Maybe it was the kiss. That first kiss which caught me by surprise. The kiss which left me breathless...and so so confused. That kiss will forever haunt me...

He's Online...

I have finally settled down. I found something I love doing and earning money from it. I want to write, just did not have the time. Its 1.30 am in the morning and here I am. There is nothing much to write. None to pour, no anger, no sadness just..well still not content though. I have finally settled down again. everything is quiet and looks fine and okay. The waves softly splashes on the sandy beaches or sumthin like that. Then...WHAM!

He's back.

I saw him online!!!

I have forgotten that he is in my contact, since my YM setting is to see online contacts only. So one day, there it is..he's online!!!

Bloody hell...should i Say Hi or shouldn't I.

I logged out. ( the chicken in me I guess)

I logged in again..sheeshh..this might be the one and only time I get to see him online.

Portugal or Germany (the match was coming up in a few hours) so I just typed.. Portugal or Germany?

and he answered Germany

as it went along..he suddenly asked who is this??

HE DIDNT EVEN REMEMBER?

GOSH! AM I THAT FORGETTABLE?

hmmm...and then he typed baby is that u?

BABY? Which baby am I???

The one he's fucked in KL or the one he is currently fucking in Dublin.

What the fuck. I have no idea what am I doing wasting my time with this LOSER.

SO I logged the fuck out.

Anger..

I am writing this in anger. Its 2.35 am and I might be single again sometime in the near future. Well, why should I be surprised if this union dissolved. AFterall..it was cracking all over the place anyway. I just have to figure out my journey alone from here. One slap to my so called perfect family. Here you celebrate and welcome a new addition to the family and here you say gbye to the old.

I had a feeling sooner or later it might come. I just have no idea how to accept it or how to actually face it. I am bitter with this experience and I hate myself for letting it rot. But then, everyone close to me can see and realised that I have done my best. now I badly need a best friend to call and talk to. But then of coz in my present state that it is certainly not possible. Even if it is World Cup season and phone calls are cheaper at this hour.

Is it just me or the world is just so cruel to me. I have tried my my best to put a brave face and endure everything that have come my way. No matter how hard and ugly it gets, I always pull through. I alwiz survive it. No matter how awful the loss. When my dad passed away I felt as if my soul was wrenched out of me. In those couple of months, never once did I act out of grief or entertain any talk about his death. Deep in my mind I always say he is still around and he has never left. I put it so deep at the back of mind that sometimes I believed it myself. So when there were occassions where I wanted him around and there was no way I can summon him it became so frustrating.

I am trying my best here not to cry as I type this. If my life come crumbling around me I will keep my chin up and face it like..I always do. With strength and dignity. In this blog space, only here I am in pieces. Only here I express my sorrows and my pain on all my losses.

My sense of loneliness in my bed even when I am in my bed with Mr So called Right. The hollow that i feel in my heart everytime we make love. How lonely and alone I feel even when my life is surrounded by laughter and supports of my family.

I still feel so alone. One day I might be alone. I might even end up dying in my bed alone. that thought is scary. But then, when the time comes, in my grave I'll be alone, when facing Him I'll be alone. Now is not the time for drama. Now is the time to face the harsh reality. To see the thing that you patiently built and endured coming to an end..dissolving in your very eyes. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nothing. You just have to keep enduring.

Busy week. Busy month

My work is really catching up on me. There goes my one month break. Plus its World Cup year this year! The last time I followed was the year Roberto Baggio of Italy faced Brazil in the finals. That was when World Cup was held in the US. That was my last world Cup and my football knowledge stopped there.

This year I am up and about again. I even stayed up for the 3am matches. Especially if Argentina is playing. Messi is such an entertaining player to watch. My money is on Germany though. So far, Germany is making it look so easy. Its not Quarter Final yet, but so far Germany is easing through each round like a breeze. This year they look promising plus they have the advantage of playing on their own soil. Well, only time will tell.

Other than the WOrld Cup, my classes are now 5 times a week and my time is quite full. I am also preparing designs to prepare for the Eid crowd. Yup, as fasting months come, there will be a lot of shopping and I have to prepare my stock ASAP.

For once, I'm raking my brains to write. Oh..Lynn is seeing someone. WOnder if he's the one for her. Well again, only time will tell. Thats all 4 today I guess. Gonna go and dream about messing with Messi. He may be too young but he's still too cute to resist.:-))

Its Finally Over!!!

Finally the wedding is over. Cant believe that my little bro is now no longer a virgin hehehehe..

It was the most chaotic wedding ever!! But it was also the most FUN wedding we ever had in the family. On the last day, we stayed up and karaoked until the wee hours. Well some tradition are just meant to be broken. When we first broke into a song, the aunties went like, "Its just not our way you know". I love my aunties, ancient or not, I learned a lot from them and they are a helpful lots. But when it comes to music, they just won't compromise, its just not our way..sheeshh..

Anyway the wedding started horribly. On the eve of the wedding it rained heavily at night and I jumped from my bed, all I can think of is my sound systems set. I end up saving some of the soft cushion chairs. The storms and lightning were too scary for me to keep up the mission so I went to bed soaking. The next morning we found out that everything was WET!! Except for some great saves from the rest were soaked. All of us felt like crying. And the guest were coming at 11.30!!! Can you actually believe it!! It was horrendous!! I felt a sense of hopelessness as I lined up the seats to dry under the sun with rest of the siblings. Everyone looked gloomy and wondered how the day was gonna proceed.

To cut the story short, all my aunties helped out and for a wedding which started horribly, everything went great and smoothly. It was utter blessings from the powers that be. The tablecloth which was torn and wet were replaced and somehow the end everything turned out so nice and lovely!!

We had so much fun that day!! One event which was unforgettable was when my little nephew chose to peed on the landings in the middle of the stairs when traffic was extremely heavy!! I panicked but then when we all discussed it out, it was hilarious!!!

It was not perfect, but we found out that everyone had a great time and TOTALLY dig the food. As usual, we serve the best food of course. We had such a grand time. I lost my voice for two weeks after the wedding and big bro had to be admitted to the hospital cuz he hurt his back. Poor guy. What a way to close the chapter. But then when we saw the photos, it was all well worth it. It was all well that ends well.

The Colour of My Soul

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I like the idea that my soul is represented by a white horse. It's so beautiful..

Your love secrets Revealed..yeah right..

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

The lucky ones..

Yeah Chris was booted out and I actually cried!!! Nope, not just cried, I bawled my eyes out!! Hehe..what a wimp.. Soleil texted me, you were upset about Chris, is it Chris or another bald guy you are crying for ha..?? I felt lost when they eliminated Chris. Lost. Heart broken. Alone. My highlight of the week is now gone.

Hmm..sometimes I wonder, I like Chris cuz he’s really sexy, fabulous crooner, I’m nuts about rockers, or plainly cuz he’s bald..and bald men = Mr dublin.

Sheesh… here we go again. I’m in one of those moods again which is why my posting is quite frequent. When I badly need therapy, I write. I do not know why. Is it the stress of the wedding, or the impending wedding of Lynn’s guy. I believe that we are somehow ‘cosmically’ connected. If her creepy guy has a girlfriend, mine is seeing someone too. Now Mr Shorty is getting married in December!! I am getting restless, mine might be getting married too.

I have this feeling one of these days he is gonna call me up asking for a mailing address to mail his invitation. I’ve played the scene of me witnessing his ‘akad’ so many times in my mind. Me in the background as he solemnly swears his love to HER. Ugly ugly scene..painful..it never gets better although I have played it a thousand times over.

Lynn, my ingenious cousin whose timing cannot be better sent me this. I felt like someone slapped me on the face. I woke up. It hit home. It hit so close to home.

Difference between "somebody you Love" and "somebody you Like"
In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you like, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush
But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.

In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind
But in front of the person you like, you can.

In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy
But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.

When the one you love is crying, you cry with them
But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.

The feeling of love starts from the eye But the feeling of like starts from the ear.
So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever ...

How sick is that? How can you like some and be with that someone and not love that person. Especially if that person is absolutely crazy about you. Does that make you a bad person? If you ask me, that is what I call reality.

At least that is my reality. I truly believe that I cannot lead a happy life if I chose someone I truly love..because he doesn’t love me the same. Maybe because I have knack of choosing the absolute WRONG man to love. But then how can you choose? This is matters of the heart, it is not something you can pick and choose. Sometimes you love the person without even realizing it. Sometimes you just love the person although you know he does not deserve it at all. Sometimes the person doesn’t even give a damn.

So does it matter? It doesn’t actually. Because in my journey, finding someone who truly cares about you DESPITE your flaws and eccentricities is an achievement. Look into yourself. Are you that great a person? Are you as perfect as the guy you are looking for? Are you capable of overlooking his setbacks and settle for less? To find someone who truly loves you for who you are, loves you unconditionally. If you fall that way and he loves you back, then you are one of the lucky ones. But in my case, I’ll cherish my find, because in my heart I believe that one day I can learn to love the person back. I can learn to cherish him as much. Then I’ll be one of the lucky ones..

Today is just not my day..

Today is a horrible day. I cant believe my Chris is OUT of American Idol!!!! If only I can vote. It has been one heck of a day. The wedding preparation is taking its toll on me. My cough is getting worse and I'm having a migraine and I think my head is gonna burst and now my Chris!!! My Chris Daughtry is eliminated. My fave number by Chris is that Keith Urban song, Making Memories of Us and of course Renegade. I dont care what Simon says. Come to think of it i love all of Chris's performances. The guy is amazing. He's absolutely fabulous. His rendition of Making Memories of Us is even better than Keith's, heart wrenching and that crisp husky voice just drives me nuts!!!

My beautiful, adorable, sexy, babelicious Chris is gone. My heart is broken. I can never be more miserable than this..maybe when Mr Dublin gets married that will be a second horrible day. I don't even want to go there. I had enough of these nonsense. No more American Idol for me..no more..

Irish Craze

Is it just me or everything seems to revolve around Ireland these days. Has the world gone Irish crazy? The other day, it was ultra violet with the soundtrack by cranberries. I am not that sure but I could have sworn it was Dolores' haunting voice as Milla does her futuristic acrobatic martial arts in the background. Then, my fave photopage went to DUBLIN. Of all the places in the world..and he chose Dublin. There is even a photo spread of MALAYSIAN students in Dublin having the time of their life on the site. Not only I'm being pushed off the stairs I'm being stabbed and trod on!

Then another fave photopage had a newlyweds from Ireland!! Plus I have just realised that both of my fave groups are from Ireland. My absolute fave group The Corrs, Cranberries and thank god Adam Levine and Kanye is definitely not Irish!!

Maybe all of these stuff are actually normal. Maybe I'm being ultra sensitive these days. I have taken steps to move on. Yet I feel like he is still around making faces as I try my best to turn away from any traces of our memories together. How long am I going to keep writing on how hurt and in pain I am. I am sick of reading it myself. I am sick of being in pain. I want to be happy. Sometimes I feel deliriously happy. These days life is not that bad. But when it gets bad it gets really mad. No moderate day for me. When its good, its fabulous.

Crazy crazy life of mine..

I have a new job...

Yup I finally did it. Changed my career. It is a big step towards a new me!!! Which sorts of explains why I havent had the time to write and update as often.I teach nowadays. Its been hectic but surprisingly a lotta fun. At the side I'm still doing designing. Although market is slow but demand for me to supply has been intense. Dunno if it makes sense or not but it does!!

One thing lacking is that me and pardner again..is going separate ways. Since my job is here, he is there. Once again he is back to being himself. Totally into his work that at times I think he sorts of forgotten that I actually exist. But then since my brother's wedding is coming up this June, I've been pretty busy myself. I did everything myself. All the nitty gritty stuff, all the hantaran and those souveniers and gifts. I did everything with mum. I want to stop thinking and dwelling on certain matters though sometime it gets awfully lonely. writing is therapy. It really helps. It helps me to let go. Damn.

Of course I have not let it go!! Of course I still think about it!! The other day there was a travel show. The host was this young upcoming actor accompanied by a young petite co host. They were SO SWEET!!! I wonder if he is sweet to her... I wonder if in Dublin he walks with her hand in hand.

I do not think I will ever make another trip to London much less to Ireland. Everywhere I go and everything I see, I'll keep on wondering. Were they ever here? Did he kiss her here? Proposed to her? Laugh together?

This is absolutely crazy!! I am going nuts! If I am not busy it is the only thing I'll ever think of.

I missed his birthday. Maybe it was a sign. The alarm didnt go off. I had no idea how or why it happened, it never happened before. I missed his birthday. It should not have mattered anymore. He should not matter to me. He can die of a bomb blast in Dublin and I should not care!!!

Sometimes it is okay. Sometimes I could not care less. Sometimes, I get too preoccupied to let it bother me. But certain times it really really hurts. Though nowadays, I think I am calmer. I have chilled out. I have come to terms that it still hurts and maybe it will forever hurts everytime I think about it. But there is nothing I can do about it. "Cuz I cant make you love me if you dont. And you cant make your heart feels something it wont"

I am fine now...at this moment in time I am doing just fine.

How come it still hurts..

There is one certain fact about Mr Dublin. If he is made available and the circumstances is different I dont think I want to be with him. I dont even think we will end up happy. But then why does it hurt so bad...?? Now that it is not meant to be and he is happy elsewhere, why am I unhappy?

Is it the fact that he is forbidden or the fact that he is so different from the norm, that he will raise eyebrows? Is it just me, to want more attention to myself..? Or the fact that we shared a tender moment together and for a while there he made me feel that all my problems do not really matter. In those few brief moments together he gave me a feeling that I havent felt for so long. He made me feel as if I am needed. He made me feel alive again. To feel alive, passionate and enraptured in those moments when my head was ina mess and my life was coming apart he was like a breath of fresh air to a suffocating person.

It was not lust. It was not infatuation. It was real love. I feel it inside. I know it was for real. that is why it was not meant to be. Isnt it more romantic this way?

One day our path might crossed and he will be there with his happy bride and I will look from afar. I will be happy for him. I will try.

I love him. I know I will never experience intense love and passion as I have felt in those years when we had those clandestine meetings, and I never want to. For this pain in my heart and soul is way too much for me to bear. It is so much that I cannot even shed a tear. I feel if I start to cry..I might never stop.

Theme songss..More theme songs..

Emancipation of MIMI
Dont Forget About Us

(Don't forget about us) Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby, boy...
Just let it dieWith no goodbyes
Details don't matter We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby (yeah)

Now everytime I see you I pretend I'm fine When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

Oh they say That you're in a new relationship
But we both know Nothing comes close to What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it How big we used to did it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it
So don't forget about Late nights, playin' in the dark And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

And if she's got your head all messed up now That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do it like me
She'll never be MC Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want i
tSo don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my armsBoy,
you'll always be in my heart andI can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us.

Here By Me
by 3 Doors Down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me 'Cause I'm not doing so good without you The things I thought you'd never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you And everything I have in this world And all that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me I can’t take another day without you 'Cause, baby, I could never make it on my own I've been waiting so long just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say But everything I've ever known gets swept away Inside of your love And everything I have in this world All that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me As the days roll on I see Time is standing still for me When you’re not here I’m sorry I can’t always find the words to say Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love x2 And everything I have in this world And all that i'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me