I am Counting down the Days

Lawyer friends message to me..."I know you are sad, but come to think about it..isnt it better this way?Now you can put him out of your life once and for all"

Why is it the best solution to this problem is to put him away for life? In this game of love that is the mandatory sentence that I have to put up with. How do you put a person you are so in love with out of your life? By having him move a million miles away? STand in the rain just to see him walk hand in hand with that leggy blonde and gritting you teeth and swallowing your pain at the same time? By having the courage to listen to all the songs until you get sick of it? Maybe after a while it won't mean much afterall.

Whatever the solutions I am going through the motion in such a slow pace that I feel like putting a gun to my head just to get it out of my mind.

After a while..I'll be singing this tune I guess...

Counting down the Days by Natalie Imbruglia

You were right
And I don’t wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen

I’ll hold tight
I’ll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter

There’s no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

How’ve you been
It’s just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every days without you

Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you

I feel cold
I’m in the dark
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

I’m counting down the days
I’m counting down the days

I’m gonna be your surprise
I’m gonna hold you so tight

Yeah

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I’d hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

Ramblings

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

I Want to be with you
I want you to be a part of me
I want to hold out
And be able to touch and have you near me

Sometimes words are just not enough
Sometimes I wish that you would understand
It may look easy but it is actually quite tough
This broken heart of mine may never mend

I want to have you close
To be able to recognise your scent just like before
Those tender kisses on my nose
Will I ever be getting those anymore...

How I wish wherever you go I can just follow
And I'll get rid of this emptiness and hollow
How lost I feel now that we are not together
Werent we suppose to be forever..??


FOR REAL

This time it is for real
This time you are really going away
This time I think I will never heal
I am breaking up like pieces of clay
We have gone through this before
We chose to part late last year
Why do I feel this time its different
Why do I think that I cannot take this anymore
In my perfect dream we are together
In my perfect dream I have you near
In my perfect dream nobody got hurt when we promise forever
But then I woke up and realised
This time you are gone for real

He left this morning..

Hi baby. My flight is 8am, Saturday morning.

Yup that was it. The last msg. We had a short chat last night. Sheeshh..I was an idiot. I was trying so hard to sound cheerful that I think I came across as really idiotic. Who cares. This morning he left. Me cant call cuz pardner is home. Today I feel like a zombie. Cant even sleep last night and woke up really early. I woke up before 8 and stared at the watch until in turned 8am. I think I am officially losing my mind.

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yg terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Why are we such fools when it comes to the men we love....

I cant deal with it. After days of moping around and trying my best to hold my head up high, I have finally realised that I cannot handle it. I cannot take it that he is leaving. I know we are no longer together. I mean if he is moving to another state or if he is going away for a few days it is ok. Now he is leaving for good. Well he just might. He is going to another country thousand of miles away. Dublin is so far. Why Dublin? Why work there? Well the further apart we are is the better. When we are together we do nothing but messed up each other's lives.

I love him soooooooo much. My heart aches at the thought of him away. I cannot do this. I do not know how to deal with this.. I am a smart woman. I have achieved quite a lot despite the odds stacked up against me. Why am I such a fool when it comes to him.I am absolutely pathetic when it comes to this guy. He who has done nothing but messed up my head. He who stabbed me in the heart so many million times. The man who manage to let me risk and I am not even a risk taker in the FIRST place!! I risked everything..absolutely everything for this bald headed guy. I dont even fancy bald headed bloke.But now my heart skips a beat everytime I see one on the street.

We will now proceed with our lives. Going on our separate ways. I know I will never see him again. I hope not. I have had it with this Mr Big and Carrie relationship. He is here and then he is gone. Only when I thought I am better he is back again. I cannot deal with this anymore. I am such a fool!! I have gone through this before. I have patched up and mend my broken heart and washed away all the pain on my own. I am sick and tired of doing it over and over again. The hardest thing was to put up this act and pretend that everything is just fine in front of the world when my heart is actually in pieces.

Nothing sums up how the pain is tearing up my heart than the lyrics of this Indonesian song. No matter what I always put him on a pedestal. No matter what crap he gives me..in my eyes he is always perfect. I love you Mr Eisa..love love love you...and I'll be damned for it. I just know it.

Ku katakan indah

Ku katakan indah dengan terbuka hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah...
Mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Kau hancurkan hatiku tak tertahan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope one day our path wil cross again and I'll be much older and wiser just to turn away. And I hope by that time, it will not hurt anymore. No more pain. No more feelings.

He is leaving...

Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road

Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway, baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are

Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe off beads of sweat
Slowly you say, I'm not there yet

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, but can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

This is the song I made love to. Yep, I have a confession. I have a secret and he is my secret. I cheated. I cheated on my partner for him. We made love and this song by MAroon 5 was in the background. This song and the song She Will Be Loved. I have been thinking about him these past few days. Yet when I received the SMS I was still surprised. Surprised that he still want to have anything to do with me.

He is leaving to further his studies. That was the news he conveyed. It is not as if we kept in touch but still I feel a sense of loss. An emptiness in my heart. I want to reach out and as I reach out I grasp nothing but thin air. That is how I feel. We cannot be together. We will hurt so many people if we ever get together>Yet not being able to see, hear him and touch him hurts so bad. After all these while, I thought the pain had somehow melted away. Today I was proved wrong. The heart still longs. The passion still burns. Do I still love him? No doubt about that. I cant even type, he can still bring tears to my eyes. I guess although we are no longer together I know, he is still around. Now he is leaving. Somehow, this farewell seems more definite and final.

What it used to be like...

Well it was great, it was exhilarating and liberating. With you I was someone else. For a while I came out of the cocoon. I had a great time.Despite the odds, we had fun.

I wonder if one day we bumped into each other..how is it gonna be like. He still have the number. We fought through that number. We arranged to meet up for our rendevous through that number. We had phone sex with that number. I cried through that number. I hanged up on him through that number. I told him I loved him through that number too..

And guess what..he still keeps the number. Wish I didnt know about this. Wish I had no idea about it. The weird thing is I felt relieved when I knew he kept the number. Its just a number but it meant a lot.

I see Frankie J and I see you. I wish its you. I still remember how you taste like and how you smell. How prickly your bald head used to feel under my hands. But I loved it anyway. Well out of our relationship, the only thing that can be salvaged out was just that number. A celcom 019 number. Just a number. Quite a nice number actually. Easy to remember. Hard to forget.

Mother Daughter

Today I managed to catch the Oprah Prime Time show where she interviewed Maria Shriver and Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thats Mrs Terminator and her mom. Today's show is all about mother daughter relationship and these two people are one of the best mother daughter team I have ever seen or read or heard for that matter. I mean firstly the have never had a mother daughter fight. NEVER!! Wow thats amazing.

I mean these people are the Kennedys and I would have thought with all the scandals and problems we read we'd thought that they'd be a bit dysfunctional. But no, actually they are a model family and I really like the tips they gave and one day when I have kids of my own I'd read back on this blog and take up all these pointers.

Some of the things mentioned in the show were :-

* All of their children are constantly giving or servicing the people. This is because materials are not a topic which is discussed in the house but what they plan to do with their life and their contributions to the society (er..these are some of the daily topics which were discussed during meal times..phew..)

* There were also pictures of children all over the world, under privilaged and malnourished all over the house to remind them of how lucky they are to have their life compared to others in some parts of the world.

* Meal times are important. Each and everyone of the family members must make it a point to eat together and have 'family time' together. None of the children have personal lines or tv in their room. This is so that they can watch tv together and have more family time together. Plus the children also do chores.

* It is not what we have in life (material things) which is important but what we have achieve in helping others are what success are made of.

* Well behaved women never made history :-))

* When we made a mistake, do not take it as 'our life is over' it is just that our life has altered a bit. We have to keep going on and make the best out of it.

* Eunice Shriver came up with Paralympics which gave new meanings and hope to a lot of special people all over the world.

I really admire them, their spirit of giving and contributing to make the world a better place is not just sweet talk. As we can clearly see they have done a lot and have played key roles in organising numerous charity events and organisations.

This particular episode touched me and forever I now see them in a new light and have greater respect to these American Royalties.

Memories...

I just realised how very much affected I still am to those songs. So today I made the move to compile a collection of my mp3. All the songs that used to mean so much. I heard one of the song and out of the blue the memories came rushing back. Hits me like some tidal wave. I cant let this go on. So I compiled everything so that I can keep on listening to it. Soon I will be immune to it. I believe I'll be able to do it. Since the break up, this is the first time I'm listening to it..soon it will stay that way. As a memory. It will not hurt anymore. I do so believe. Because now I am moving on. I am.

Here I am..

Managed to typed in my two pence only lose it in a flash. What a bummer. Anyway, yesterday I found out my Dr No is gettin married in December. I dunno whether to laugh or to cry. By midnight the shock sort of wore off. I knew it was coming yet..when the news finally came its another thing. But then, I think I am sort of prepared in a way..So my Dr No is now a DR NO NO...hehehe

When I found out..this song came on air..hmm a matter of coincidence or its a sign..:-))

BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES -KELLY CLARKSON

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I do have hazel eyes...

Under the Tuscan Sun

I'm always a sucker for a feel good movie. Just finished watching Under the Tuscan Sun on SMV. I love feel good movies with a dash of Italian romance or a taste of Parisian passion. This movie reminds me of French Kiss (my ultimate feel good movie), Only You, the one with Marisa Tomei. That was during my school days and I was totally crazy about her in her pixie haircut and that sexy red dress. After watching that movie, told myself before I die, I have to go to Tuscany. Drive a mini and go xplore the countryside.

Now here I am, yet to achieve that dream. Yet I have faith that not so far in the future, yes I will be in Tuscany with my man.

When I was a teenager, I like reading all those 'Things you shud do before you turn 20'. I like to tick on the things I have never done and dared myself to finish up the list. However now im in my twenties and being 30 is very near in the future I find myself wondering why is it I cant even do half of those things in the list. I am scared that I will not make it. What if I turn 30 and I cant manage to finish the list.. Will I make it? Or my priorities have totally changed? Have I changed so much that I do not even recognise myself?? People see me and think that I have everything. That I am going through the motion what I am suppose to be doing when they get to my age. Still, I'm the one who is going through the motion and believe me there are loopholes everywhere in my so called life.

Now..this is making me really depressed. I just wanna go to Tuscany. I really do.

Tom Cruise...

I'm jotting this down as I'm watching Letterman interviewing Tom Cruise. I just dont get it.. of all the beautiful ladies and he chooses Katie Holmes??? Well..maybe there's more to her than a teenage soap star who-is trying to make it big by flashing her boobs wenever she can.

Today I say send off my little to bro who got a place in Queen E Hospital in KK. Yup, another doc in the family. Kinda sad ...to me, he'll always be my baby brother. My mom is taking it quite badly..sheeshhh...he's coming back in August for his convo, so it wont be long and we'll be seeing him soon.

I'm still keeping in touch with my Dr No altho he's a complete no no after THE incident a few weeks ago. But then, I just need to know..i cant keep on wondering forever..

I've been pretty bz for these past few days. Lotsa stuff has happens. My Dr No is back. He is still giving me the cold shoulder. What the heck but then I like his messages..cute and funny. I have this really bad feeling that he has mixed feelings about me. Well..who can blame him..

I think its about time I change my business, maybe I should go into these wedding stuff. I think I'd be much better at it. I dunno. I'm still so not sure what is it that I really wanna do. I got a job offer. Still, I have no idea whether I want to accept it.

I still missed Mr Fly. I got rid of a lots of stuuff in house in order to erase unwanted memories..NOT WORKIN. Eternal shunshine of the Spotless mind...hmm

The Keys to My heart

How ironic is this analysis..go figure.. though I had already entered for today..here's another I jUST haD to put it on..more for myself..a stark reminder of fiction and reality.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

My Star Wars Horrorscope...hehehe

I found this on the net..heheh interesting and really cool..hehehe..though people out there who dont really know me...dont believe all that you read k..

Its a few more days till the LAST Star WArs...and all my loved ones are gonna be watching it with me..yahoo!!! Cant Wait!!!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Dark clouds in the sky...

Today somehow the weather is echoing my feelings and my mood. I'm so down..and I'm down with fever once again. I dont know why but lately I get sick really easily.
Got a party to go tonite but with my current condition I think I have to let it pass though the idea of Meditreannean food is so hard to let go..

Soleil is also down, which makes today a lonelier day. Ironically we found out together that the man of our dreams recently got married to a really lovely girl in a similarly lovely wedding ceremony...since school days he was THE guy..cuteness with brains sheesh..now some girl got him. If she was like drop dead ugly or dropdead gorgeous it wont hurt so much but she is soooooo sweet and seems so nice that we just cant hate her. Plus she is one of those beauty with brains and she is just..well..so nice and sweet. Just right for him...So it was not surprising that both of us came down with a really bad fever after we found out. Bot of us are so down today that you have to dig deep to get us out of this rut. Plus my Dr No is still away..bosan...I sort of miss him. In a friendly kinda way. He can be quite boring and irritating but he is nice, well.. he's nice to me.

I went to a piano recital the other day which was absolutely enchanting. What a lovely evening we had. The pianist was Polish and dedicated the recital to his dead son. He even paused and shed a few tears in memory of his dead son. His son, a medical student who died at the age of 24. How tragic. It was touching and lovely. He ended the recital with a melodious French piece, something on Nightingale. (Yes..I was invited to the recital and was totally ignorant of the pianist's works..an embaressment yup it is..) When he was playing it all we can see was nightingale flying and singing all around us. It was absolutely beautiful. I felt as if time stopped and the world was at peace for once. An enchanting evening indeed.

My evening..

I want to live a life without regrets. That is my wish. I do admire all those people who have done so. i know you actually can do it. I remembered this guy who actually wrote a book about it. One of the things he did was to call back this lady who was in highschool with him and asked her out about 30 years later! well..at least..he tried :-))

Today went to watch the Indonesian movie, Tentang Dia. All girls outing. Needless to say at a time such as today, the movie was a wrong choice. Its sooooo depressing.!!! Still, I like the way its done, a bit slow but the cinamatography was quite good. Well compared to local movies, let us not even go there. Other than PGL and Sepet I dont even bother. Im also not really into Indon movie..cuz I cant understand the language, thank god for subtitles.

Anyway, about Tentang Dia, the story is mostly about relationships. Relationships between a girl wth another girl, a girl with her peers, a girl and a boy. I like the way it was potrayed. It is all about relationships just at different angles. How a girl is happier being with another girl instead of being with a boy who was willing to go to great lengths to make her happy. How deep a girlfriend can hurt you and how a man can break you.. I like it. It is full of those little things between the lines. Given a chance to give an analysis of a scene from the movie, I think I'd have a great time writing about it even if its just a ten minutes scene.

My morning..

I slept at Soleil's place today. Came back via cab. Scary ride you see. The driver had long talons and was leering through the rear mirror. Images of rape murdered bodies came to mind. Sheesh..too much imagination. I was relieved to finally got home. He kept saying 'manisnya..' and it was not flattering at all, as the matter a fact it was dead scary.

I still remembered the last time an old Chinese driver refused to let my hand go as I gave him the fare. That was scary too.Whats with me and cab drivers. Kept having these types of experiences with them. Whats with old Chinese drivers..they always like me..in a scary sort of way. Why cant those cute Chinese boys I see at the LRT notice me the same way..hehehe..that I wont mind at all.

My Dr No is away again. He is always away. I am honestly using him as a distraction tool. To distract me from the inevitable. Well, so that I wont think about those who do not deserve to be remembered in a nice way. As in Peterpan's lyrics..
No matter what , you are never wrong
Despite what you did
I still think so highly of you.
Sentiasa meninggikan mu

It is so true as in the French saying, when a woman falls in love, the heart fills up and the head empties. Hmm..maybe I should ask my Dr No whether this is scientifically applicable. Based on a recent research this is somewhat true. How sad..how very sad..

My questions.. are finally answered

My guts was telling me that whatever that I felt..has happened. another double entry for today. He is seeing someone else. he has moved on. I should too.

Why do I feel like my heart is crushed all over again. Damn. Why is it that I still feel it. My heart is still aching. Why do I still feel all this. I know for sure I can handle this. Actually one thing I realized is that you never know how much you really love a person until you lost him. Then you just know. You just realized that gosh I am capable, I am capable of really loving a person.

He called..

Its been a while since I last logged in. Connection was cut off for a few days and I nearly suffocated. A lot has happened. These past few days has resulted in a chain of events that has somehow enlightened me in a way.

I wondered and I felt it, however I never expected the ghost from my past to actually come back to haunt me again. He called.

However, some things never changed. He called and yet he said all the wrong things again. Though this time I'm stronger. I guess it is good that he called. Now more than before I know I did the right thing. It would never worked out. He will never change. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much I want him back i know that the reality is very different from what I like it to be.

I'm at peace now. Though at times I do miss him. I miss his kisses and his touch. The intimacy that we shared were so intense and passionate and so hard to forget. I know if given the chance to turn back time, I would not change what I had done. I'd still be me. No doubt the chemistry was stronger compared to others, that was why it lasted that long...

Ironically our song is suddenly being played right at this moment..She will be loved by Maroon 5. I do believe that I will be loved and that I wll love again..someday..

Double entry

Today I have got issues. Issues I just feel like writing it down. Someone told me that Im incapable of real love. Of loving whole heartedly. Today I stand in time, and im thinking the depth and the truth of this statement. Coming from someone very close to me she might be right. there might be some truth to it..yet how does she knows the matters of the heart, of mine in particular when I , myself am not so sure.

Im here with him because he is the logical partner and not because of love??Is it? Am I that cold that Im incapable of expressing true love? I dont thinks so.

But then, I have this thing abt being forthright abt how you feel. To express love somehow..I feel is a sign of weakness.If a person knows that you are in love, that person can really hurt you. I feel that he knows your weakness. Faling in love is a huge risk... a huge risk to your heart, mind and soul.

A few years back, I lost my dad. coming from a close and big family, everyone grieved in their own way. Me, I decided that I put on this thinking that he is not really gone, he is here with us. His memory will live on. The pictures, the jokes, his teachings and guidance will always be with us. He will forever be a part of it. I refused to accept that he is really gone. I resent the mourning and grieveing and I always feel uncomfortable when people around me starts to cry and emotionally express their grief or something like that. I totally erased the date and time of death and still have a hard time remembering the date till today. I think it took me years to say that and realised that he is really gone and he is just not coming back.Yet no matter how long it has been, it is still hard.

My family thinks im cold and insensitive. Yet I do cry when Im alone and I weep for a loss which left such an impact on my heart. But I still feel that if I tell or even show how much I care for a person, that person can leave and hurt me..Im bare and open to his will and it is as if Im giving him this power to really hurt me. So before He does, usually I just took off. Yet, in current circumstances, I just cant. Im stuck here. Ihave to face this and work it out.