Its Finally Over!!!

Finally the wedding is over. Cant believe that my little bro is now no longer a virgin hehehehe..

It was the most chaotic wedding ever!! But it was also the most FUN wedding we ever had in the family. On the last day, we stayed up and karaoked until the wee hours. Well some tradition are just meant to be broken. When we first broke into a song, the aunties went like, "Its just not our way you know". I love my aunties, ancient or not, I learned a lot from them and they are a helpful lots. But when it comes to music, they just won't compromise, its just not our way..sheeshh..

Anyway the wedding started horribly. On the eve of the wedding it rained heavily at night and I jumped from my bed, all I can think of is my sound systems set. I end up saving some of the soft cushion chairs. The storms and lightning were too scary for me to keep up the mission so I went to bed soaking. The next morning we found out that everything was WET!! Except for some great saves from the rest were soaked. All of us felt like crying. And the guest were coming at 11.30!!! Can you actually believe it!! It was horrendous!! I felt a sense of hopelessness as I lined up the seats to dry under the sun with rest of the siblings. Everyone looked gloomy and wondered how the day was gonna proceed.

To cut the story short, all my aunties helped out and for a wedding which started horribly, everything went great and smoothly. It was utter blessings from the powers that be. The tablecloth which was torn and wet were replaced and somehow the end everything turned out so nice and lovely!!

We had so much fun that day!! One event which was unforgettable was when my little nephew chose to peed on the landings in the middle of the stairs when traffic was extremely heavy!! I panicked but then when we all discussed it out, it was hilarious!!!

It was not perfect, but we found out that everyone had a great time and TOTALLY dig the food. As usual, we serve the best food of course. We had such a grand time. I lost my voice for two weeks after the wedding and big bro had to be admitted to the hospital cuz he hurt his back. Poor guy. What a way to close the chapter. But then when we saw the photos, it was all well worth it. It was all well that ends well.

The Colour of My Soul

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

I like the idea that my soul is represented by a white horse. It's so beautiful..

Your love secrets Revealed..yeah right..

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You've been deeply wounded in the past, and you're still recovering from that hurt. You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Break-ups can be painful for you, but you never show it. You hold your head high.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

The lucky ones..

Yeah Chris was booted out and I actually cried!!! Nope, not just cried, I bawled my eyes out!! Hehe..what a wimp.. Soleil texted me, you were upset about Chris, is it Chris or another bald guy you are crying for ha..?? I felt lost when they eliminated Chris. Lost. Heart broken. Alone. My highlight of the week is now gone.

Hmm..sometimes I wonder, I like Chris cuz he’s really sexy, fabulous crooner, I’m nuts about rockers, or plainly cuz he’s bald..and bald men = Mr dublin.

Sheesh… here we go again. I’m in one of those moods again which is why my posting is quite frequent. When I badly need therapy, I write. I do not know why. Is it the stress of the wedding, or the impending wedding of Lynn’s guy. I believe that we are somehow ‘cosmically’ connected. If her creepy guy has a girlfriend, mine is seeing someone too. Now Mr Shorty is getting married in December!! I am getting restless, mine might be getting married too.

I have this feeling one of these days he is gonna call me up asking for a mailing address to mail his invitation. I’ve played the scene of me witnessing his ‘akad’ so many times in my mind. Me in the background as he solemnly swears his love to HER. Ugly ugly scene..painful..it never gets better although I have played it a thousand times over.

Lynn, my ingenious cousin whose timing cannot be better sent me this. I felt like someone slapped me on the face. I woke up. It hit home. It hit so close to home.

Difference between "somebody you Love" and "somebody you Like"
In front of the person you love, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you like, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you love, you blush
But if you look into the eyes of the one you like, you smile.

In front of the person you love, you can't say everything on your mind
But in front of the person you like, you can.

In front of the person you love, you tend to get shy
But in front of the person you like, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you love
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you like.

When the one you love is crying, you cry with them
But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.

The feeling of love starts from the eye But the feeling of like starts from the ear.
So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is cover your ears. But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and remains in your heart forever ...

How sick is that? How can you like some and be with that someone and not love that person. Especially if that person is absolutely crazy about you. Does that make you a bad person? If you ask me, that is what I call reality.

At least that is my reality. I truly believe that I cannot lead a happy life if I chose someone I truly love..because he doesn’t love me the same. Maybe because I have knack of choosing the absolute WRONG man to love. But then how can you choose? This is matters of the heart, it is not something you can pick and choose. Sometimes you love the person without even realizing it. Sometimes you just love the person although you know he does not deserve it at all. Sometimes the person doesn’t even give a damn.

So does it matter? It doesn’t actually. Because in my journey, finding someone who truly cares about you DESPITE your flaws and eccentricities is an achievement. Look into yourself. Are you that great a person? Are you as perfect as the guy you are looking for? Are you capable of overlooking his setbacks and settle for less? To find someone who truly loves you for who you are, loves you unconditionally. If you fall that way and he loves you back, then you are one of the lucky ones. But in my case, I’ll cherish my find, because in my heart I believe that one day I can learn to love the person back. I can learn to cherish him as much. Then I’ll be one of the lucky ones..

Today is just not my day..

Today is a horrible day. I cant believe my Chris is OUT of American Idol!!!! If only I can vote. It has been one heck of a day. The wedding preparation is taking its toll on me. My cough is getting worse and I'm having a migraine and I think my head is gonna burst and now my Chris!!! My Chris Daughtry is eliminated. My fave number by Chris is that Keith Urban song, Making Memories of Us and of course Renegade. I dont care what Simon says. Come to think of it i love all of Chris's performances. The guy is amazing. He's absolutely fabulous. His rendition of Making Memories of Us is even better than Keith's, heart wrenching and that crisp husky voice just drives me nuts!!!

My beautiful, adorable, sexy, babelicious Chris is gone. My heart is broken. I can never be more miserable than this..maybe when Mr Dublin gets married that will be a second horrible day. I don't even want to go there. I had enough of these nonsense. No more American Idol for me..no more..

Irish Craze

Is it just me or everything seems to revolve around Ireland these days. Has the world gone Irish crazy? The other day, it was ultra violet with the soundtrack by cranberries. I am not that sure but I could have sworn it was Dolores' haunting voice as Milla does her futuristic acrobatic martial arts in the background. Then, my fave photopage went to DUBLIN. Of all the places in the world..and he chose Dublin. There is even a photo spread of MALAYSIAN students in Dublin having the time of their life on the site. Not only I'm being pushed off the stairs I'm being stabbed and trod on!

Then another fave photopage had a newlyweds from Ireland!! Plus I have just realised that both of my fave groups are from Ireland. My absolute fave group The Corrs, Cranberries and thank god Adam Levine and Kanye is definitely not Irish!!

Maybe all of these stuff are actually normal. Maybe I'm being ultra sensitive these days. I have taken steps to move on. Yet I feel like he is still around making faces as I try my best to turn away from any traces of our memories together. How long am I going to keep writing on how hurt and in pain I am. I am sick of reading it myself. I am sick of being in pain. I want to be happy. Sometimes I feel deliriously happy. These days life is not that bad. But when it gets bad it gets really mad. No moderate day for me. When its good, its fabulous.

Crazy crazy life of mine..

I have a new job...

Yup I finally did it. Changed my career. It is a big step towards a new me!!! Which sorts of explains why I havent had the time to write and update as often.I teach nowadays. Its been hectic but surprisingly a lotta fun. At the side I'm still doing designing. Although market is slow but demand for me to supply has been intense. Dunno if it makes sense or not but it does!!

One thing lacking is that me and pardner again..is going separate ways. Since my job is here, he is there. Once again he is back to being himself. Totally into his work that at times I think he sorts of forgotten that I actually exist. But then since my brother's wedding is coming up this June, I've been pretty busy myself. I did everything myself. All the nitty gritty stuff, all the hantaran and those souveniers and gifts. I did everything with mum. I want to stop thinking and dwelling on certain matters though sometime it gets awfully lonely. writing is therapy. It really helps. It helps me to let go. Damn.

Of course I have not let it go!! Of course I still think about it!! The other day there was a travel show. The host was this young upcoming actor accompanied by a young petite co host. They were SO SWEET!!! I wonder if he is sweet to her... I wonder if in Dublin he walks with her hand in hand.

I do not think I will ever make another trip to London much less to Ireland. Everywhere I go and everything I see, I'll keep on wondering. Were they ever here? Did he kiss her here? Proposed to her? Laugh together?

This is absolutely crazy!! I am going nuts! If I am not busy it is the only thing I'll ever think of.

I missed his birthday. Maybe it was a sign. The alarm didnt go off. I had no idea how or why it happened, it never happened before. I missed his birthday. It should not have mattered anymore. He should not matter to me. He can die of a bomb blast in Dublin and I should not care!!!

Sometimes it is okay. Sometimes I could not care less. Sometimes, I get too preoccupied to let it bother me. But certain times it really really hurts. Though nowadays, I think I am calmer. I have chilled out. I have come to terms that it still hurts and maybe it will forever hurts everytime I think about it. But there is nothing I can do about it. "Cuz I cant make you love me if you dont. And you cant make your heart feels something it wont"

I am fine now...at this moment in time I am doing just fine.

How come it still hurts..

There is one certain fact about Mr Dublin. If he is made available and the circumstances is different I dont think I want to be with him. I dont even think we will end up happy. But then why does it hurt so bad...?? Now that it is not meant to be and he is happy elsewhere, why am I unhappy?

Is it the fact that he is forbidden or the fact that he is so different from the norm, that he will raise eyebrows? Is it just me, to want more attention to myself..? Or the fact that we shared a tender moment together and for a while there he made me feel that all my problems do not really matter. In those few brief moments together he gave me a feeling that I havent felt for so long. He made me feel as if I am needed. He made me feel alive again. To feel alive, passionate and enraptured in those moments when my head was ina mess and my life was coming apart he was like a breath of fresh air to a suffocating person.

It was not lust. It was not infatuation. It was real love. I feel it inside. I know it was for real. that is why it was not meant to be. Isnt it more romantic this way?

One day our path might crossed and he will be there with his happy bride and I will look from afar. I will be happy for him. I will try.

I love him. I know I will never experience intense love and passion as I have felt in those years when we had those clandestine meetings, and I never want to. For this pain in my heart and soul is way too much for me to bear. It is so much that I cannot even shed a tear. I feel if I start to cry..I might never stop.

Theme songss..More theme songs..

Emancipation of MIMI
Dont Forget About Us

(Don't forget about us) Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby, boy...
Just let it dieWith no goodbyes
Details don't matter We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby (yeah)

Now everytime I see you I pretend I'm fine When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

Oh they say That you're in a new relationship
But we both know Nothing comes close to What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it How big we used to did it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it
So don't forget about Late nights, playin' in the dark And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

And if she's got your head all messed up now That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do it like me
She'll never be MC Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want i
tSo don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my armsBoy,
you'll always be in my heart andI can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us.

Here By Me
by 3 Doors Down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me 'Cause I'm not doing so good without you The things I thought you'd never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you And everything I have in this world And all that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me I can’t take another day without you 'Cause, baby, I could never make it on my own I've been waiting so long just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say But everything I've ever known gets swept away Inside of your love And everything I have in this world All that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me As the days roll on I see Time is standing still for me When you’re not here I’m sorry I can’t always find the words to say Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love x2 And everything I have in this world And all that i'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me

Yup..as I have expected...

My last posting was last year. The modem broke down again. Damn. So here is my first post for this year. Hell what a way to break into a new year. Uneventful birthday. Loneliest birthday I had in years.. Happy belated birthday to me.

Took me a total one month to actually get the chance and the spirit to post this. He called on 5th February 2006. There I was with everyone around me, cheering as Jacky Victor came on stage to sing Gemilang for the Juara Lagu. We were rooting for Mr Mawi of course. I dont think I can ever listen to Jacky the same way again. I didnt recognise the number as usual. Then his voice came and my other half was staring as usual, wondering who the hell was calling you at this time when most of the nation would be glued to the screen. Well, its a no surprise since he is in Dublin so he wouldnt have been watching. I pretended to not hear and slipped into a room nearby and closed the door behind me. I sensed from his voice that it is something urgent. Something I definitely do not want to hear. He made small talk, watcha doin girl? bla bla bla. I was getting restless. Worried that other half gonna peak in and asked whats goin on.

Then yes he said it..

Girl, I am seeing someone.

Yup he said it.

I didnt know what to say. There was a brief silence. I could have sworn I can hear my heart breaking into smithereens at that very moment. I drew in deep breath and my voice shook as I tried my best to compose myself.

I had expected this. I knew one day you are gonna call and tell me this.

Inside my head I've played this conversation so many times yet when the actual thing happened, I felt as if I am in a dream and a cold rush came over me. He asked quietly,

You expected this?
Sure I expected this. Who is she?
She's an old friend which I met again. She might be the one I wanna marry. Wait for my wedding invitation. You will love her. Once Im back in Malaysia, I'll introduce her to you.

Damn. What the hell is he thinking? Some men can be so EVIL. I have to be cool about this.

Sure why not. That'll be great. I have to go now. We'll chat next time k.
Girl, My emails not gonna be as frequent as before and I'll be laying low for a while k.
Sure. I understand.

Yeah, as if his emails is that frequent anyway..and Yeah he'll be too busy fucking her that he will not have the time to write TO ME!! No. I am certainly not bitter. DO I sound bitter? Naah..figment of imagination. I am fine. I am doing just fine. That fine song from Boyz to Men and Since You've been Gone came to mind..hehe..my new theme song i guess.. I am fine.

I am such a mess. Then I went out and continue watching the show. My heart is a mess. I wanna cry out yet there I was trying my best to appear cheerful. I was shouting and laughing way too hard and didnt dare to make any eye contact with Soleil. She sensed it.

I cannot cry. I tried to later on but I just cant. I realised my life need to go on. I have this project on the line. I am now determine to do this. I know I can do this. I am messed up but I know I can do this. I have to get my life back. This project can make me forget. Does it matter anymore..?

I wanna do things and make it matter. This is a dark period in my life and I am gonna get through this. I know I will. That phone call was the ending and a starting point to a new beginning.

I'm so tired and spent.

Yesterday was a fun filled family day. Today is a friends filled day. Yep, since I've been here, things have been pretty busy. Work as well as leisure. One good thing is that all these activities is occupying my mind. Thoughts of Mr Dublin does not come in as often as before. However, recently I went for a movie wth partner, sis and best fren. While waiting for partner to buy popcorn and drinks, there was this couple. At first I did not really noticed the girlfried but damn I definitely notice the guy. Needless to say, he's bald and tall, not beautiful but quite okay looking. Till today I do not really remember what was on my mind as I look at them. All I know was that it was quite intense to the point my companies were nudging me to stop STARING cuz the girlfriend have noticed it. I did not realised I was staring and made up some feeble excused that I was looking at something else. Well of course the girls rolled up their eyes and said they know better.

I drew some deep breath and decide to take a walk AWAY from my company and THE COUPLE. While staring at the screen outside the cinema and trying very hard to concerntrate what was showing, it occurs to me, what if..



What if its him, what if you bumped into your buried past with his present life?? Like Carrie bumped into that ex-guy with his wife and baby..she kept smiling and was in full control though she avoided the introduction with the wife, yet she survived it with dignity.


Can I pull that off as smoothly as Carrie did?
Or..would I end up staring at him, gaping or gawking (GOD FORBID) like a complete idiot that I am..??

Or much worse break down at the sight of his happiness..??


All I know now, is that the very thought is making me nauseated. Honestly I feel like stopping typing this and head to the loo to actually puke.

But today was a good day, these past few days have been a good day...I hardly think of him.. He's not that perfect anymore. Slowly its beginning to sink in, he's my mistake. He's my worst mistake and I should stop it. Stop having and thinking him in my thoughts.


Then I surf around and found his blog. She's actually my link. My Miss Love Letter. Though the situation is different yet similar in a messed up way, she somehow is another example of a fine woman gone wrong. Gone very wrong and very dumb when it comes to men. So hooray!! I'm not the only dumb fool blind and absolutely idiotic when it comes to the men we love. Yup, he's my Mr Dublin, the man I love to hate.


No, I do not want to hate him, I just want to go on with my life without having any feelings whatsoever towards him. My heart is still beating, but my feelings for him has froze. Much better melts into oblivion. Gone in the black hole, kick the bucket or whatever. I am just so tired..so so tired..... of loving him.

A second chance.

I'm still away and not home. Its been a working break. Its been lonely, coming back to the 'flat' brings back a lot of memories I wish to forget. Its only painful when my songs comes on air and when I lay alone in the dark. It seems as if only yesterday you were around here with your arms around me.

A lot has happened. My lawyer friends is currently going through a tough time with her partner. To walk or not to walk. It is sad if she chooses the path to end something she built 2 yrs ago. But then when we talked, I cant seem to find a better solution. How do you make a relationship work if only one side has to compromise and sacrifice while the other just received and criticised. I'm not sure how long I would have survived it all if its me. Being from the East Coast and coming from a similar close knit family as she, I cant imagine having someone who do not appreciate my family as I do. Despite all the pains and all the flaws my family is all I have and when I am most happy with. At times when families get together, i cannot imagine being alone. Even during the times when your heart is broken, the gatherings sumhow makes you feel less lonely. He may have left you but there are still people around you who loves you unconditionally..( i think laa...:-)).

When talking about me, I've realised this is the path I have chosen. Current partner have put me through all this and I have sumhow put him thru his own hell. Rather than walk away, I want to salvage this relationship. I think there is a way to work it out. When he came over and told me, this time he appreciates it when I told him abt Mr Dublin and this time he will try and change. I thought at that time it was just lip service but so far he has been true to his words.

Telling him abt Mr Dublin was hard but it was good for my soul. I feel as if a burden has been lifted off me and it feels good. We now communicate better. I really did not expect him to take it so well when I told him I love Mr Dublin but he has. Through tears and anger I blurt it all out. We were having one of those wild and horrible arguments. I was feeling frustrated and so so angry. I thought that was it and that was final. I will now go back to my single life. Ive done it this time. Its time for me to pack my bags and go. So it was quite shocking and it touched me when he said all this made him realised how much he do not want to lose me. I did not expect it at all. He caught me off guard. Although he was shocked and from his expression I know it must have killed him that day to know that there has been more than one person.
Silence was in the air and we did not talk for the whole day. It was the evening after that he held me while I tried to sleep and told me quitely that he appreciates that I came clean. Its hard not only for him but he knows that it is also hard for me. This sumhow convinced me that its worth another try. This is worth a second try...maybe this time it will be better. The storm subsides for awhile. maybe its time for me to enjoy the waves..

Walking Away

Well...today I am retracting everything that I have written for the past few weeks. A few days ago that is. One day that is all it takes to have your dreams and hopes dashed into smithereens.

I backed out. I am walking out before he has the ability to hurt. Before he can suck in the happiness that I have worked so hard to achieve. I have never felt so desolate and so scared. Still, deep inside I know this is the best thing and the right move to make. I chickened out before you can even say the word "chicken" itself. Sad. Sad is my life.

I know I can give it a go and taste it. But I am not willing to pick up the pieces if it do not worked out in the end. For the umpteenth times I have also realised that some men can be so DENSE!!! SO blind and have absolutely no idea how some humans are born with emotions. How can he not realised that his mere words can trigger past pain and stirred hidden deep imbedded feelings. I have worked so hard NOT to let it show. Do we women have to spell it out word by word..???

SO much have left unsaid. If he cant see it, there is no other way that I am willing to say it. I am walking out. I am walking out before it is too late. Before things get in too deep.

I keep on telling myself it is for the fun of it, yet I know deep inside there is more to it that I am looking for. I feel so lost and so alone. Maybe we will meet again in another lifetime, under different circumstances. As for now, I am just not willing to risk my heart again. I am still bruised from my last encounter. Actually my heart is still there way in Dublin. I cant do it. I thought I would be strong enough to handle it but reality is..I am just not ready. Not yet.

He is to me my Beautiful Disaster.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, Lord it just ain't right

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

should I or shouldnt I...

Before next month is over, I will make sure that I've taste my forbidden fruit..hehehe.

Yup, I have decided and I am putting it here in black and white. He is too hot for me to say No to. All I have to start doing right now is aim for the target. Most of all, I have to put matters of the heart behind me for now.


I have to be careful in order not to let any emotions get involved. It should only be physical.I have to plan everything down to the T. I mean, when am I ever gonna get to experience this moment ever again.

But then, now its a bit early, I might chicken out a the very last minute hehehe. That will be SO me. Im torn actually, to do it earlier or to wait. If I wait, it should be worthwhile waiting for. But what if I'll never have the chance again??? Shuckss...

I need to ponder on this a while longer. I am trembling by the mere idea of it. All I need is the excitement and fun, nothing more. Nobody will get hurt if nobody knows right???

Vunerable..

I am at that stage in life when I am most vunerable. When you have experienced a loss and you are going out there grasping thin air hoping that you wil find support or replacement. Sad but that is the predicament that I am currently going through. It is scary but I still have to go through with it. Will I sense it before it happens? Or will it happen again and it will hurt all the same as if it has never happened before?

If you do not try and taste it, you will keep on wondering..

If you taste it, then you will risk everything that you have built so far...

It is worth the risk?

Or do you want to keep wondering for the rest of your life?

As you pause and try to decide which path to take, deep inside you know it will somehow lead you back to where you began.

Turn of events..hmm

It is 10 am in the morning and can you actually believe it that I havent slept a wink since last night. I'm not sure because of the medication for this flu that I am taking or becuz I'm high. Yup we had another go with my hunky surfer dude. Guess what, he turns out to be quite deep and intense!! Damn. Damn. I was wishing that he'd be a himbo(male bimbo). Maybe because he was tired, or maybe becuz he took his time to warm up that our first conversation went so badly. Last nite, well this morning actually since we started around 1 am and ended around 2 plus hehehe..was absolutely fabulous!!!

I felt as if he changed, less tense and more talkative. He even shares a few intimate details..hehehe. The nicest thing was that when he said I cant believe I am telling you this, it is as if I have known you all my life. Gosh I was beaming from ear to ear. Thank God its not on MMS. I had fun, we were laughing and flirting outrageously. Shy but outrageous all the same. Now this is getting dangerous. All I want is to put Mr Dublin out of my mind and not find another cause for a heartbreak sheeeshh... My heart is still healing from the last time and here I am going for another heartbreak journey.

I have no idea why I keep doing this. Plus, I sense that this guy can do worse damage. Maybe because he is a nice guy, maybe because he is intense and I suspects that underneath all that smouldering, brooding personality, he is very passionate. Now there goes my warning bells very LOUDLY in my brain. BAD. BAD.

For the time being it is for the fun of it. Partner is coming back today, so I can sort of drift away from my smoldering hunky surfer dude hehehe..Still at the back of my mind I wonder what this will lead to. The last time I wanna have fun I ended up with my my heart splattered all over the sidewalk in thousand minuscule pieces. Until today I am still picking up some of the pieces and trying to put it all together again.

Intense, deep, brooding, unpredictable and horribly, outrageously sinfully SEXY what LETHAL combination. Lethal..absolutely lethal...

Me & My Hunky Surfer Dude

He does not look this good. But then he comes very close to this guy. After months of emailing and playing it cool, he finally asked and I finally gave. A prepaid number purchased a few days before.

Trying to appear cool and non challant about the whole thing, we just textd each other for a week. Then, when I think I have had it and I absolutely have to hear the voice of the face and body, we talked.

He offered to call but didnt (insufficient credit..i wonder hmm..??) Anyway, since patiently waiting is certainly not one of my virtue I called. Nevertheless, good timing is not my friend too. Due to suddenly the week is pretty bz and the partner is coming back soon, time is limited. No more games, so when I called and he was going for a movie, I decided to wait but slept throughout. So the next night, which was this morning, he textd me askin me to call him in the wee hours of the morning. So finally we managed to chat. Me and the hunk at 4 bloody am. It was not hard to catch his attention since husky sexy voice of mine was going on so well. (for gods sake I just woke up).

The conversation and commentaries

1. He sounds like a BOY!!!He sounded so young. I know he is younger, but for god's sake not THAT young. Just a few months difference.Plus younger men are in anyway.Just look at Demi and Ashton!

2. He is not that crazy, quite grounded but most of all he didnt get my JOKES!! He was a bit blur. How I miss my Mr Dublin. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Lastly and most painfully, we had absolutely no chemistry. Although I can sense the mystery appeals to him. ( I'm impressed, you're different..hmm..??) He has absolutely no idea. But then, he asked the are you married or somethin. Sheeshh...and i froze. Changed the subject and moved on.

Sadly although he scored full marks on looks, he totally failed in the personality category. Still that was just one phone call, here's hoping for more. At least it was sort of exciting, somebody new and clandestine (cuz of the time). Wished he was a bit naughty. We were both in bed at 4 am and no sex was involved! This guy must be gay! He was talkative and quite curious. Still he failed to put my mind off Mr Dublin. Still miss him a lot. Found out he roams via Vodafone. Sheesh..I'm pathetic I know.

No more 4 am phone calls. Me having quite a bad flu due to late night and lack of sleep two nights in a row and I'm down.

OVER and OUT.

addicted to love

" Now I can look at my romantic addiction and understand it for what it was. It was a fantasy of how I thought love ought to be. I was so desperate to be loved that I would become whatever the man wanted me to be and lose myself"

Taken from an excerpt of a book I am currently reading. I wonder if I am addicted to love. I think I am addicted to attention but then I am certainly not an attention seeker. I prefer to work behind the scenes. SO I havent found myself and I am certainly confused. Are you supposed to find urself when you are in your early twenties? late thirties? very late in age? When? Am I too late or am I too slow?

I had another fight with my other half. Every time we fight, I long to be held by my Dublin love. Is it the romance that is lacking which is why I long for another or is it becuz it is part of my nature. My inability to love and really love? Sometimes I feel that i have loved and I'm spent and tired because of the intensity of the emotions. Yet why do I keep on doing all these which threatens to destroy all that I have build up and sacrificed for..?? What is wrong with me? Why must love be so painful?

I believe that we cannot choose whom we love but we can choose who we want to marry. And not necessarily we marry the one that we love. Many will object but then that is what I truly believe. But then as time goes you will learn to love the one that you marry. But its a different kind of love. The love you had for your past love, the one who you let go or the one who got away is a different kind of love. Do you really know the person at all? Or is it because of the passions shared and deep longings involved that you are blinded by his faults. In whatever way, in your eyes, that love is perfect, complete and will always be untarnished by the harsh reality and turbulence of a real relationship.

p/s: Yesterday the Prime Minister's wife passed away. Never met her in real life but I am deeply saddened by her passing. I am currently making a living out of her passions and hard work, songket and batik. If its not for her, our batik and songket industry will not prosper as it is today. After the downfall who would have thought batik would ever recover again.It is aloss to the country. For a change, this lady not only supports her husband she contributes as much and will always be remembered in kind and love. My deepest condolence for the First family. I am also touched that Mdme President Gloria Macapagal, of Philippines took the time to attend the funeral. Hearfelt thank you on behalf of my fellow Malaysians.

I am angry...

In the moment of anger, you spit out all the things you have been feeling pent up inside you.

In the moment of anger you feel that you just do not care what happened as long as you get the message across.

In the moment of anger you feel like smashing everything that comes your way.

In the moment of anger you do not care about whatever that person is feeling.. you just want it to hurt as much.

In the moment of anger whatever love you feel towards the person seems to melt away.

Anger is a terrible thing. But then when you have the time to reflect then you realised how you actually feel about everything. Deep inside.. what the turmoil and confusion is all about.

How to stay in a relationship when you do not feel love anymore?
How to go on forever if you dont think you feel the same way anymore?

How to stay together if all you feel towards the person is only anger. You lose sense of respect. Then you feel totally helpless. You are trapped in this hell which you started yourself in the first place. Then you starts to hate your life and everything around you. Your misery sucks every sunshine and rainbows around you. You are like a walking black hole..

How to convince that this will work out..?

How long can one convince that all of these is just a phase and one day it will go away??

How can one ever be happy again..?

I'm back..!!!

Actually I've been back for a few days. Just in no mood to write. Been gone for a whole month. Wedding was chaotic but fun. Working with family members you've known your whole life well..only NOW you can say you really know them. Sheesh..just realised what a bunch of pretentious brats my cousins can be. But then I love em anyway. Life is weird I guess..

Although there were times I was so stressed out that I totally broke down. The thing is..it was not even MY WEDDING!!! That was how chaotic things were. In short to describe how last minute things were, the dressing table arrived one day before the actual wedding took place!

All and all, it was amazing, maybe with God's grace everything went quite well. There were glitches here and there but then it was kinda fun.

In the middle of the chaos, HE called. Its totally amazing my Mr Big. of all the times. I thought, well he went off to Dublin thats it. End of story. Time to close the chapter. I'm in KL for a month and it'll be easier to forget now that I am here and not at home. But Hey, the voice message went something like this..Hi Mie, Its me calling from Dublin. Hi. Hows things. Im trying to settle down here. I'm sorry to say I misplaced your email add, can you mail me at ...

I thought the moment he stepped on Heathrow, he'd totally forget my first name. I'd never thought he'd took the trouble to call. So sweet. See, there I go. It is so easy to make me forget aint it. Actually hearing his voice when one was stressed out and feeling quite low at that time kinda helps. I listened to the voice message over and over again just to cheer meself up. I am such a dope I know. I'm a dope and I'm PROUD OF IT!! I DONT CARE..this is my bloody blog and I can be a dope if I want to. Wow! now that I write..its kinda hard to stop.There, enuff rambling for today.