Cest La Vie..les moi

Somebody sent me an email yesterday. Well a few emails actually saying that I tempt fate. Asking me to stop obsessing over a single text message. I haven't replied to any of my emails, because I am writing about it all here. I don't normally talk about the comments I received, but today I just feel like it.

This blog is my therapy. I am here all on my own. My life is not a bed of roses. I need this blog to keep my sanity INTACT. There are things which some of you have done on a whim, leaving all sensible reasons. There are no justifications to what I have done. Even if I do, it will never be enough.

I am not here because I want to, away from my friends and family. I am not here to take a break from the city. I am here because I have no other choice. I am stuck here. No matter what happens, I'm stuck here. It is a complex circumstance which I am unable to explain, in other words, I couldn't be bothered to explain anymore.

I am living my life the way the flow brought me. I am making the best of what comes my way. Maybe I jinxed it a bit for some excitement but basically I am just 'going with the flow'.

Don't read and judge me. I feel liberated this way. This blog makes me feel as I am just walking around naked. I am free here. I can bare my heart and soul here and nobody can deny me this freedom. At least not in my own bloody blog. Thank you for all the criticism and inquiries. I am not here to please anybody but myself.

Told him...

Its been a while. Its been more than a year. Coming to two years since the last time we kept in touch. Last night was really a hot sweaty and lonely night. Decided to sent him a text just out of the blue hehee. Told him about the blog. And what do you know, he actually replied and asked for the link HAHAHA.. How much you wanna bet that he'll never find this blog. There is no way this blog can be connected with me, unless you know my story "sigh".

So the butterfly is still very much alive and well. Curiosity kills the cat. I have no idea what drove me to tell. Was it because I was too tired and trying to sleep but can't. I don't know. I just felt like it I guess. I'd probably regret it all later on, but what the heck. What's done is done.

I'll never give him the link nor will I reply the text, just hope it will drive him crazy looking for THE blog..:-))

This therapy is really good. It is doing me a lot of good :-))

My life in a book

Now who in the world would write a book about a nobody like me? Well actually I'm in the midst of finishing this novel. Chick Lit. The writer is Jennifer Weiner. Goodnight Nobody. It’s about a mother of three. Which in the beginning is certainly not me. But as I read on, I felt as if the words were coming out of my own thoughts. Especially the part where Evan Mckenna came into the picture. Sigh..

The words I have written in this blog itself. But its better written of course, minus the confused grammar and what not. Afterall, she’s the writer, me, I’m just the blogger..who’s a nobody.

I’m in a space of my life where confusion and complex is a dirty little word. My life is in a whirl. I am lost and I feel so helpless and alone. Here I am in my sad little world, trying to convince myself and the world that I am living the Dream. Sometimes it feels really tiring going against the wave of reality. Sometimes, it is good for the soul to live the life as Kate Klein of Goodnight Nobody. Let just say a few of us unlucky souls in the world can really relate to what she’s going through, yet the novel sort of added a few parts to sensationalize her dreary life. Afterall, one need to sell the lit and reality can be a bore most of the times.

Her excitement other than the murder of the perfect housewife (which is normally Kate’s object of envy) is of course the hunk who happened to be her past love. There’s a part where she stares at him, trying to memorise .

“Time seemed to slow down,in order to give me a chance to permanently engrave every detail of the scene in my mind, so I’d be able to have it at my fingertips and replay it over and over again for the rest of my life…”

Isnt it all so familiar. It is as if what ever I had felt was being said in words and being played by the characters in the book. Painful and very poignant . I become so emotional that I had to stop reading. But then fiction slaps me in the face. The character than managed to run off to er..LONDON. Hehe, so much for similarity. I ran away too, just not that far and certainly less glamorous. Well, London, glamorous? Well its where Kate Moss is from! Anyway, the other part in the book, well this is another thought picked from my brain, no, my soul actually, my heart,..

“I would have run away with you. If you’d ever really asked”

Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I really would have. I’d dropped everything. Well, not that I have that much. What I have a lot is PAIN. I have a lot of those. Want some?

Its too much drama and too much nonsense. If he comes back, would I have drop it all off? Or would I just turn the other way,breathe in my pain and just walk on. Walk on my reality knowing that whatever he offers, it is just a bit of fiction. His fiction.

Meer, somewhere in my heart…meant for each other just not meant to be together. Remember?

Me blogging again..

5th February last year, you called and that was it. Last night, I had a dream. It was a wonderful dream. I woke up smiling. I forced myself to continue sleeping because the feeling I had, I just want to feel it again. I grabbed a pillow and hugged the pillow and in my head I smelled you. That natural musky, I just had my shower smell which you always have.

As I lay back, in the dream there was a vision of me calling out for you from the balcony. And there you were, you stuck your head out and said, Yes hon? And I said, “ Love, I want to follow,” and you said, “Hon, maybe later I’ll see you. I have to settle this first.”

It doesn’t make much sense. But the feeling stays, it stayed even when I woke up. The feeling, the overwhelming sense of contentment. You know, the feeling that this is where I belong. The hell with reality, this is what I want. I never call anybody else “sayang”. I thought of it as corny, but when you first called me that, I feel it. That feeling…

It was the same feeling I had, the morning I woke up and saw you. It was the same feeling I felt that rainy night when you stayed over. It was the same feeling I had, every time I pushed the drape and saw you over the gate. It was the same feeling I had, when I turn and feel you behind me and having your arms around me as I sleep. The same feeling I had whenever I feel your lips softly kissing mine. It was the feeling I had as I look into your eyes under the soft light with Maroon 5 in the background.It was a sort of feeling I would probably never feel again.

I can’t really describe it, but I feel it everytime I hear the song by Snow Patrol, Run and Unkle Bob, Swans. Which is why I am listening to the songs as I am writing this. It was as if my heart sort of glowed, warm and fuzzy feeling. Is it love? I am not that sure. I thought I got over it all. I thought I am totally over you. I went on with my life. I am moving on.

At that moment, when I had the feeling, it doesn’t matter that in reality my life is so not stable. That my career is in wreck. That my head is so confused. What matters is that warm feeling, that pure happiness and calmness that I felt as I stared up and saw you. It is the feeling of expecting you, waiting for you and finally seeing you at the door. It is a feeling which I just can’t compare. Maybe, I will never feel it again, but having it once in my life was worth it.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it any where
Away from here


Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think i might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear