I am Counting down the Days

Lawyer friends message to me..."I know you are sad, but come to think about it..isnt it better this way?Now you can put him out of your life once and for all"

Why is it the best solution to this problem is to put him away for life? In this game of love that is the mandatory sentence that I have to put up with. How do you put a person you are so in love with out of your life? By having him move a million miles away? STand in the rain just to see him walk hand in hand with that leggy blonde and gritting you teeth and swallowing your pain at the same time? By having the courage to listen to all the songs until you get sick of it? Maybe after a while it won't mean much afterall.

Whatever the solutions I am going through the motion in such a slow pace that I feel like putting a gun to my head just to get it out of my mind.

After a while..I'll be singing this tune I guess...

Counting down the Days by Natalie Imbruglia

You were right
And I don’t wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen

I’ll hold tight
I’ll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter

There’s no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

How’ve you been
It’s just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every days without you

Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you

I feel cold
I’m in the dark
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

I’m counting down the days
I’m counting down the days

I’m gonna be your surprise
I’m gonna hold you so tight

Yeah

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I’d hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

Ramblings

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

I Want to be with you
I want you to be a part of me
I want to hold out
And be able to touch and have you near me

Sometimes words are just not enough
Sometimes I wish that you would understand
It may look easy but it is actually quite tough
This broken heart of mine may never mend

I want to have you close
To be able to recognise your scent just like before
Those tender kisses on my nose
Will I ever be getting those anymore...

How I wish wherever you go I can just follow
And I'll get rid of this emptiness and hollow
How lost I feel now that we are not together
Werent we suppose to be forever..??


FOR REAL

This time it is for real
This time you are really going away
This time I think I will never heal
I am breaking up like pieces of clay
We have gone through this before
We chose to part late last year
Why do I feel this time its different
Why do I think that I cannot take this anymore
In my perfect dream we are together
In my perfect dream I have you near
In my perfect dream nobody got hurt when we promise forever
But then I woke up and realised
This time you are gone for real

He left this morning..

Hi baby. My flight is 8am, Saturday morning.

Yup that was it. The last msg. We had a short chat last night. Sheeshh..I was an idiot. I was trying so hard to sound cheerful that I think I came across as really idiotic. Who cares. This morning he left. Me cant call cuz pardner is home. Today I feel like a zombie. Cant even sleep last night and woke up really early. I woke up before 8 and stared at the watch until in turned 8am. I think I am officially losing my mind.

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yg terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Why are we such fools when it comes to the men we love....

I cant deal with it. After days of moping around and trying my best to hold my head up high, I have finally realised that I cannot handle it. I cannot take it that he is leaving. I know we are no longer together. I mean if he is moving to another state or if he is going away for a few days it is ok. Now he is leaving for good. Well he just might. He is going to another country thousand of miles away. Dublin is so far. Why Dublin? Why work there? Well the further apart we are is the better. When we are together we do nothing but messed up each other's lives.

I love him soooooooo much. My heart aches at the thought of him away. I cannot do this. I do not know how to deal with this.. I am a smart woman. I have achieved quite a lot despite the odds stacked up against me. Why am I such a fool when it comes to him.I am absolutely pathetic when it comes to this guy. He who has done nothing but messed up my head. He who stabbed me in the heart so many million times. The man who manage to let me risk and I am not even a risk taker in the FIRST place!! I risked everything..absolutely everything for this bald headed guy. I dont even fancy bald headed bloke.But now my heart skips a beat everytime I see one on the street.

We will now proceed with our lives. Going on our separate ways. I know I will never see him again. I hope not. I have had it with this Mr Big and Carrie relationship. He is here and then he is gone. Only when I thought I am better he is back again. I cannot deal with this anymore. I am such a fool!! I have gone through this before. I have patched up and mend my broken heart and washed away all the pain on my own. I am sick and tired of doing it over and over again. The hardest thing was to put up this act and pretend that everything is just fine in front of the world when my heart is actually in pieces.

Nothing sums up how the pain is tearing up my heart than the lyrics of this Indonesian song. No matter what I always put him on a pedestal. No matter what crap he gives me..in my eyes he is always perfect. I love you Mr Eisa..love love love you...and I'll be damned for it. I just know it.

Ku katakan indah

Ku katakan indah dengan terbuka hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah...
Mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Kau hancurkan hatiku tak tertahan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope one day our path wil cross again and I'll be much older and wiser just to turn away. And I hope by that time, it will not hurt anymore. No more pain. No more feelings.

He is leaving...

Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road

Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway, baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are

Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe off beads of sweat
Slowly you say, I'm not there yet

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, but can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

This is the song I made love to. Yep, I have a confession. I have a secret and he is my secret. I cheated. I cheated on my partner for him. We made love and this song by MAroon 5 was in the background. This song and the song She Will Be Loved. I have been thinking about him these past few days. Yet when I received the SMS I was still surprised. Surprised that he still want to have anything to do with me.

He is leaving to further his studies. That was the news he conveyed. It is not as if we kept in touch but still I feel a sense of loss. An emptiness in my heart. I want to reach out and as I reach out I grasp nothing but thin air. That is how I feel. We cannot be together. We will hurt so many people if we ever get together>Yet not being able to see, hear him and touch him hurts so bad. After all these while, I thought the pain had somehow melted away. Today I was proved wrong. The heart still longs. The passion still burns. Do I still love him? No doubt about that. I cant even type, he can still bring tears to my eyes. I guess although we are no longer together I know, he is still around. Now he is leaving. Somehow, this farewell seems more definite and final.

What it used to be like...

Well it was great, it was exhilarating and liberating. With you I was someone else. For a while I came out of the cocoon. I had a great time.Despite the odds, we had fun.

I wonder if one day we bumped into each other..how is it gonna be like. He still have the number. We fought through that number. We arranged to meet up for our rendevous through that number. We had phone sex with that number. I cried through that number. I hanged up on him through that number. I told him I loved him through that number too..

And guess what..he still keeps the number. Wish I didnt know about this. Wish I had no idea about it. The weird thing is I felt relieved when I knew he kept the number. Its just a number but it meant a lot.

I see Frankie J and I see you. I wish its you. I still remember how you taste like and how you smell. How prickly your bald head used to feel under my hands. But I loved it anyway. Well out of our relationship, the only thing that can be salvaged out was just that number. A celcom 019 number. Just a number. Quite a nice number actually. Easy to remember. Hard to forget.