I'm so tired and spent.

Yesterday was a fun filled family day. Today is a friends filled day. Yep, since I've been here, things have been pretty busy. Work as well as leisure. One good thing is that all these activities is occupying my mind. Thoughts of Mr Dublin does not come in as often as before. However, recently I went for a movie wth partner, sis and best fren. While waiting for partner to buy popcorn and drinks, there was this couple. At first I did not really noticed the girlfried but damn I definitely notice the guy. Needless to say, he's bald and tall, not beautiful but quite okay looking. Till today I do not really remember what was on my mind as I look at them. All I know was that it was quite intense to the point my companies were nudging me to stop STARING cuz the girlfriend have noticed it. I did not realised I was staring and made up some feeble excused that I was looking at something else. Well of course the girls rolled up their eyes and said they know better.

I drew some deep breath and decide to take a walk AWAY from my company and THE COUPLE. While staring at the screen outside the cinema and trying very hard to concerntrate what was showing, it occurs to me, what if..



What if its him, what if you bumped into your buried past with his present life?? Like Carrie bumped into that ex-guy with his wife and baby..she kept smiling and was in full control though she avoided the introduction with the wife, yet she survived it with dignity.


Can I pull that off as smoothly as Carrie did?
Or..would I end up staring at him, gaping or gawking (GOD FORBID) like a complete idiot that I am..??

Or much worse break down at the sight of his happiness..??


All I know now, is that the very thought is making me nauseated. Honestly I feel like stopping typing this and head to the loo to actually puke.

But today was a good day, these past few days have been a good day...I hardly think of him.. He's not that perfect anymore. Slowly its beginning to sink in, he's my mistake. He's my worst mistake and I should stop it. Stop having and thinking him in my thoughts.


Then I surf around and found his blog. She's actually my link. My Miss Love Letter. Though the situation is different yet similar in a messed up way, she somehow is another example of a fine woman gone wrong. Gone very wrong and very dumb when it comes to men. So hooray!! I'm not the only dumb fool blind and absolutely idiotic when it comes to the men we love. Yup, he's my Mr Dublin, the man I love to hate.


No, I do not want to hate him, I just want to go on with my life without having any feelings whatsoever towards him. My heart is still beating, but my feelings for him has froze. Much better melts into oblivion. Gone in the black hole, kick the bucket or whatever. I am just so tired..so so tired..... of loving him.

A second chance.

I'm still away and not home. Its been a working break. Its been lonely, coming back to the 'flat' brings back a lot of memories I wish to forget. Its only painful when my songs comes on air and when I lay alone in the dark. It seems as if only yesterday you were around here with your arms around me.

A lot has happened. My lawyer friends is currently going through a tough time with her partner. To walk or not to walk. It is sad if she chooses the path to end something she built 2 yrs ago. But then when we talked, I cant seem to find a better solution. How do you make a relationship work if only one side has to compromise and sacrifice while the other just received and criticised. I'm not sure how long I would have survived it all if its me. Being from the East Coast and coming from a similar close knit family as she, I cant imagine having someone who do not appreciate my family as I do. Despite all the pains and all the flaws my family is all I have and when I am most happy with. At times when families get together, i cannot imagine being alone. Even during the times when your heart is broken, the gatherings sumhow makes you feel less lonely. He may have left you but there are still people around you who loves you unconditionally..( i think laa...:-)).

When talking about me, I've realised this is the path I have chosen. Current partner have put me through all this and I have sumhow put him thru his own hell. Rather than walk away, I want to salvage this relationship. I think there is a way to work it out. When he came over and told me, this time he appreciates it when I told him abt Mr Dublin and this time he will try and change. I thought at that time it was just lip service but so far he has been true to his words.

Telling him abt Mr Dublin was hard but it was good for my soul. I feel as if a burden has been lifted off me and it feels good. We now communicate better. I really did not expect him to take it so well when I told him I love Mr Dublin but he has. Through tears and anger I blurt it all out. We were having one of those wild and horrible arguments. I was feeling frustrated and so so angry. I thought that was it and that was final. I will now go back to my single life. Ive done it this time. Its time for me to pack my bags and go. So it was quite shocking and it touched me when he said all this made him realised how much he do not want to lose me. I did not expect it at all. He caught me off guard. Although he was shocked and from his expression I know it must have killed him that day to know that there has been more than one person.
Silence was in the air and we did not talk for the whole day. It was the evening after that he held me while I tried to sleep and told me quitely that he appreciates that I came clean. Its hard not only for him but he knows that it is also hard for me. This sumhow convinced me that its worth another try. This is worth a second try...maybe this time it will be better. The storm subsides for awhile. maybe its time for me to enjoy the waves..

Walking Away

Well...today I am retracting everything that I have written for the past few weeks. A few days ago that is. One day that is all it takes to have your dreams and hopes dashed into smithereens.

I backed out. I am walking out before he has the ability to hurt. Before he can suck in the happiness that I have worked so hard to achieve. I have never felt so desolate and so scared. Still, deep inside I know this is the best thing and the right move to make. I chickened out before you can even say the word "chicken" itself. Sad. Sad is my life.

I know I can give it a go and taste it. But I am not willing to pick up the pieces if it do not worked out in the end. For the umpteenth times I have also realised that some men can be so DENSE!!! SO blind and have absolutely no idea how some humans are born with emotions. How can he not realised that his mere words can trigger past pain and stirred hidden deep imbedded feelings. I have worked so hard NOT to let it show. Do we women have to spell it out word by word..???

SO much have left unsaid. If he cant see it, there is no other way that I am willing to say it. I am walking out. I am walking out before it is too late. Before things get in too deep.

I keep on telling myself it is for the fun of it, yet I know deep inside there is more to it that I am looking for. I feel so lost and so alone. Maybe we will meet again in another lifetime, under different circumstances. As for now, I am just not willing to risk my heart again. I am still bruised from my last encounter. Actually my heart is still there way in Dublin. I cant do it. I thought I would be strong enough to handle it but reality is..I am just not ready. Not yet.

He is to me my Beautiful Disaster.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, Lord it just ain't right

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

should I or shouldnt I...

Before next month is over, I will make sure that I've taste my forbidden fruit..hehehe.

Yup, I have decided and I am putting it here in black and white. He is too hot for me to say No to. All I have to start doing right now is aim for the target. Most of all, I have to put matters of the heart behind me for now.


I have to be careful in order not to let any emotions get involved. It should only be physical.I have to plan everything down to the T. I mean, when am I ever gonna get to experience this moment ever again.

But then, now its a bit early, I might chicken out a the very last minute hehehe. That will be SO me. Im torn actually, to do it earlier or to wait. If I wait, it should be worthwhile waiting for. But what if I'll never have the chance again??? Shuckss...

I need to ponder on this a while longer. I am trembling by the mere idea of it. All I need is the excitement and fun, nothing more. Nobody will get hurt if nobody knows right???

Vunerable..

I am at that stage in life when I am most vunerable. When you have experienced a loss and you are going out there grasping thin air hoping that you wil find support or replacement. Sad but that is the predicament that I am currently going through. It is scary but I still have to go through with it. Will I sense it before it happens? Or will it happen again and it will hurt all the same as if it has never happened before?

If you do not try and taste it, you will keep on wondering..

If you taste it, then you will risk everything that you have built so far...

It is worth the risk?

Or do you want to keep wondering for the rest of your life?

As you pause and try to decide which path to take, deep inside you know it will somehow lead you back to where you began.

Turn of events..hmm

It is 10 am in the morning and can you actually believe it that I havent slept a wink since last night. I'm not sure because of the medication for this flu that I am taking or becuz I'm high. Yup we had another go with my hunky surfer dude. Guess what, he turns out to be quite deep and intense!! Damn. Damn. I was wishing that he'd be a himbo(male bimbo). Maybe because he was tired, or maybe becuz he took his time to warm up that our first conversation went so badly. Last nite, well this morning actually since we started around 1 am and ended around 2 plus hehehe..was absolutely fabulous!!!

I felt as if he changed, less tense and more talkative. He even shares a few intimate details..hehehe. The nicest thing was that when he said I cant believe I am telling you this, it is as if I have known you all my life. Gosh I was beaming from ear to ear. Thank God its not on MMS. I had fun, we were laughing and flirting outrageously. Shy but outrageous all the same. Now this is getting dangerous. All I want is to put Mr Dublin out of my mind and not find another cause for a heartbreak sheeeshh... My heart is still healing from the last time and here I am going for another heartbreak journey.

I have no idea why I keep doing this. Plus, I sense that this guy can do worse damage. Maybe because he is a nice guy, maybe because he is intense and I suspects that underneath all that smouldering, brooding personality, he is very passionate. Now there goes my warning bells very LOUDLY in my brain. BAD. BAD.

For the time being it is for the fun of it. Partner is coming back today, so I can sort of drift away from my smoldering hunky surfer dude hehehe..Still at the back of my mind I wonder what this will lead to. The last time I wanna have fun I ended up with my my heart splattered all over the sidewalk in thousand minuscule pieces. Until today I am still picking up some of the pieces and trying to put it all together again.

Intense, deep, brooding, unpredictable and horribly, outrageously sinfully SEXY what LETHAL combination. Lethal..absolutely lethal...

Me & My Hunky Surfer Dude

He does not look this good. But then he comes very close to this guy. After months of emailing and playing it cool, he finally asked and I finally gave. A prepaid number purchased a few days before.

Trying to appear cool and non challant about the whole thing, we just textd each other for a week. Then, when I think I have had it and I absolutely have to hear the voice of the face and body, we talked.

He offered to call but didnt (insufficient credit..i wonder hmm..??) Anyway, since patiently waiting is certainly not one of my virtue I called. Nevertheless, good timing is not my friend too. Due to suddenly the week is pretty bz and the partner is coming back soon, time is limited. No more games, so when I called and he was going for a movie, I decided to wait but slept throughout. So the next night, which was this morning, he textd me askin me to call him in the wee hours of the morning. So finally we managed to chat. Me and the hunk at 4 bloody am. It was not hard to catch his attention since husky sexy voice of mine was going on so well. (for gods sake I just woke up).

The conversation and commentaries

1. He sounds like a BOY!!!He sounded so young. I know he is younger, but for god's sake not THAT young. Just a few months difference.Plus younger men are in anyway.Just look at Demi and Ashton!

2. He is not that crazy, quite grounded but most of all he didnt get my JOKES!! He was a bit blur. How I miss my Mr Dublin. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Lastly and most painfully, we had absolutely no chemistry. Although I can sense the mystery appeals to him. ( I'm impressed, you're different..hmm..??) He has absolutely no idea. But then, he asked the are you married or somethin. Sheeshh...and i froze. Changed the subject and moved on.

Sadly although he scored full marks on looks, he totally failed in the personality category. Still that was just one phone call, here's hoping for more. At least it was sort of exciting, somebody new and clandestine (cuz of the time). Wished he was a bit naughty. We were both in bed at 4 am and no sex was involved! This guy must be gay! He was talkative and quite curious. Still he failed to put my mind off Mr Dublin. Still miss him a lot. Found out he roams via Vodafone. Sheesh..I'm pathetic I know.

No more 4 am phone calls. Me having quite a bad flu due to late night and lack of sleep two nights in a row and I'm down.

OVER and OUT.

addicted to love

" Now I can look at my romantic addiction and understand it for what it was. It was a fantasy of how I thought love ought to be. I was so desperate to be loved that I would become whatever the man wanted me to be and lose myself"

Taken from an excerpt of a book I am currently reading. I wonder if I am addicted to love. I think I am addicted to attention but then I am certainly not an attention seeker. I prefer to work behind the scenes. SO I havent found myself and I am certainly confused. Are you supposed to find urself when you are in your early twenties? late thirties? very late in age? When? Am I too late or am I too slow?

I had another fight with my other half. Every time we fight, I long to be held by my Dublin love. Is it the romance that is lacking which is why I long for another or is it becuz it is part of my nature. My inability to love and really love? Sometimes I feel that i have loved and I'm spent and tired because of the intensity of the emotions. Yet why do I keep on doing all these which threatens to destroy all that I have build up and sacrificed for..?? What is wrong with me? Why must love be so painful?

I believe that we cannot choose whom we love but we can choose who we want to marry. And not necessarily we marry the one that we love. Many will object but then that is what I truly believe. But then as time goes you will learn to love the one that you marry. But its a different kind of love. The love you had for your past love, the one who you let go or the one who got away is a different kind of love. Do you really know the person at all? Or is it because of the passions shared and deep longings involved that you are blinded by his faults. In whatever way, in your eyes, that love is perfect, complete and will always be untarnished by the harsh reality and turbulence of a real relationship.

p/s: Yesterday the Prime Minister's wife passed away. Never met her in real life but I am deeply saddened by her passing. I am currently making a living out of her passions and hard work, songket and batik. If its not for her, our batik and songket industry will not prosper as it is today. After the downfall who would have thought batik would ever recover again.It is aloss to the country. For a change, this lady not only supports her husband she contributes as much and will always be remembered in kind and love. My deepest condolence for the First family. I am also touched that Mdme President Gloria Macapagal, of Philippines took the time to attend the funeral. Hearfelt thank you on behalf of my fellow Malaysians.

I am angry...

In the moment of anger, you spit out all the things you have been feeling pent up inside you.

In the moment of anger you feel that you just do not care what happened as long as you get the message across.

In the moment of anger you feel like smashing everything that comes your way.

In the moment of anger you do not care about whatever that person is feeling.. you just want it to hurt as much.

In the moment of anger whatever love you feel towards the person seems to melt away.

Anger is a terrible thing. But then when you have the time to reflect then you realised how you actually feel about everything. Deep inside.. what the turmoil and confusion is all about.

How to stay in a relationship when you do not feel love anymore?
How to go on forever if you dont think you feel the same way anymore?

How to stay together if all you feel towards the person is only anger. You lose sense of respect. Then you feel totally helpless. You are trapped in this hell which you started yourself in the first place. Then you starts to hate your life and everything around you. Your misery sucks every sunshine and rainbows around you. You are like a walking black hole..

How to convince that this will work out..?

How long can one convince that all of these is just a phase and one day it will go away??

How can one ever be happy again..?

I'm back..!!!

Actually I've been back for a few days. Just in no mood to write. Been gone for a whole month. Wedding was chaotic but fun. Working with family members you've known your whole life well..only NOW you can say you really know them. Sheesh..just realised what a bunch of pretentious brats my cousins can be. But then I love em anyway. Life is weird I guess..

Although there were times I was so stressed out that I totally broke down. The thing is..it was not even MY WEDDING!!! That was how chaotic things were. In short to describe how last minute things were, the dressing table arrived one day before the actual wedding took place!

All and all, it was amazing, maybe with God's grace everything went quite well. There were glitches here and there but then it was kinda fun.

In the middle of the chaos, HE called. Its totally amazing my Mr Big. of all the times. I thought, well he went off to Dublin thats it. End of story. Time to close the chapter. I'm in KL for a month and it'll be easier to forget now that I am here and not at home. But Hey, the voice message went something like this..Hi Mie, Its me calling from Dublin. Hi. Hows things. Im trying to settle down here. I'm sorry to say I misplaced your email add, can you mail me at ...

I thought the moment he stepped on Heathrow, he'd totally forget my first name. I'd never thought he'd took the trouble to call. So sweet. See, there I go. It is so easy to make me forget aint it. Actually hearing his voice when one was stressed out and feeling quite low at that time kinda helps. I listened to the voice message over and over again just to cheer meself up. I am such a dope I know. I'm a dope and I'm PROUD OF IT!! I DONT CARE..this is my bloody blog and I can be a dope if I want to. Wow! now that I write..its kinda hard to stop.There, enuff rambling for today.

I am Counting down the Days

Lawyer friends message to me..."I know you are sad, but come to think about it..isnt it better this way?Now you can put him out of your life once and for all"

Why is it the best solution to this problem is to put him away for life? In this game of love that is the mandatory sentence that I have to put up with. How do you put a person you are so in love with out of your life? By having him move a million miles away? STand in the rain just to see him walk hand in hand with that leggy blonde and gritting you teeth and swallowing your pain at the same time? By having the courage to listen to all the songs until you get sick of it? Maybe after a while it won't mean much afterall.

Whatever the solutions I am going through the motion in such a slow pace that I feel like putting a gun to my head just to get it out of my mind.

After a while..I'll be singing this tune I guess...

Counting down the Days by Natalie Imbruglia

You were right
And I don’t wanna be here
If your gonna be there
Was that supposed to happen

I’ll hold tight
I’ll remember to smile
Though it has been a while
And without you does it matter

There’s no room
No place to start
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

How’ve you been
It’s just the usual here
And days are feeling like years
And every days without you

Now I cry
Just a little too much
When I think of your touch
And everything about you

I feel cold
I’m in the dark
When our souls are apart

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
Hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here
I’m counting down the days

I’m counting down the days
I’m counting down the days

I’m gonna be your surprise
I’m gonna hold you so tight

Yeah

I wanna travel through time
See your surprise
I’d hold you so tight
I’m counting down the days tonight
I just wanna be a million miles away from here

Ramblings

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU

I Want to be with you
I want you to be a part of me
I want to hold out
And be able to touch and have you near me

Sometimes words are just not enough
Sometimes I wish that you would understand
It may look easy but it is actually quite tough
This broken heart of mine may never mend

I want to have you close
To be able to recognise your scent just like before
Those tender kisses on my nose
Will I ever be getting those anymore...

How I wish wherever you go I can just follow
And I'll get rid of this emptiness and hollow
How lost I feel now that we are not together
Werent we suppose to be forever..??


FOR REAL

This time it is for real
This time you are really going away
This time I think I will never heal
I am breaking up like pieces of clay
We have gone through this before
We chose to part late last year
Why do I feel this time its different
Why do I think that I cannot take this anymore
In my perfect dream we are together
In my perfect dream I have you near
In my perfect dream nobody got hurt when we promise forever
But then I woke up and realised
This time you are gone for real

He left this morning..

Hi baby. My flight is 8am, Saturday morning.

Yup that was it. The last msg. We had a short chat last night. Sheeshh..I was an idiot. I was trying so hard to sound cheerful that I think I came across as really idiotic. Who cares. This morning he left. Me cant call cuz pardner is home. Today I feel like a zombie. Cant even sleep last night and woke up really early. I woke up before 8 and stared at the watch until in turned 8am. I think I am officially losing my mind.

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yg terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Why are we such fools when it comes to the men we love....

I cant deal with it. After days of moping around and trying my best to hold my head up high, I have finally realised that I cannot handle it. I cannot take it that he is leaving. I know we are no longer together. I mean if he is moving to another state or if he is going away for a few days it is ok. Now he is leaving for good. Well he just might. He is going to another country thousand of miles away. Dublin is so far. Why Dublin? Why work there? Well the further apart we are is the better. When we are together we do nothing but messed up each other's lives.

I love him soooooooo much. My heart aches at the thought of him away. I cannot do this. I do not know how to deal with this.. I am a smart woman. I have achieved quite a lot despite the odds stacked up against me. Why am I such a fool when it comes to him.I am absolutely pathetic when it comes to this guy. He who has done nothing but messed up my head. He who stabbed me in the heart so many million times. The man who manage to let me risk and I am not even a risk taker in the FIRST place!! I risked everything..absolutely everything for this bald headed guy. I dont even fancy bald headed bloke.But now my heart skips a beat everytime I see one on the street.

We will now proceed with our lives. Going on our separate ways. I know I will never see him again. I hope not. I have had it with this Mr Big and Carrie relationship. He is here and then he is gone. Only when I thought I am better he is back again. I cannot deal with this anymore. I am such a fool!! I have gone through this before. I have patched up and mend my broken heart and washed away all the pain on my own. I am sick and tired of doing it over and over again. The hardest thing was to put up this act and pretend that everything is just fine in front of the world when my heart is actually in pieces.

Nothing sums up how the pain is tearing up my heart than the lyrics of this Indonesian song. No matter what I always put him on a pedestal. No matter what crap he gives me..in my eyes he is always perfect. I love you Mr Eisa..love love love you...and I'll be damned for it. I just know it.

Ku katakan indah

Ku katakan indah dengan terbuka hatiku hampa
Sepertinya luka menghampirinya
Kau beri rasa yang berbeda mungkin ku salah...
Mengartikannya yang ku rasa cinta

Tetapi hatiku selalu meninggikanmu
Terlalu meninggikanmu, selalu meninggikanmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi
Membuatku merasakan yang t'lah terjadi
Semua yang terbaik dan yang terlewati
Semua yang terhenti tanpa ku akhiri

Kau hancurkan hatiku tak tertahan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu
Kau terangi jiwaku, kau redupkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku tuk melihatmu

Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi
Kau hancurkan hatiku, hancurkan lagi

I hope you find what you are looking for. I hope one day our path wil cross again and I'll be much older and wiser just to turn away. And I hope by that time, it will not hurt anymore. No more pain. No more feelings.

He is leaving...

Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road

Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway, baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are

Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe off beads of sweat
Slowly you say, I'm not there yet

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, but can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

This is the song I made love to. Yep, I have a confession. I have a secret and he is my secret. I cheated. I cheated on my partner for him. We made love and this song by MAroon 5 was in the background. This song and the song She Will Be Loved. I have been thinking about him these past few days. Yet when I received the SMS I was still surprised. Surprised that he still want to have anything to do with me.

He is leaving to further his studies. That was the news he conveyed. It is not as if we kept in touch but still I feel a sense of loss. An emptiness in my heart. I want to reach out and as I reach out I grasp nothing but thin air. That is how I feel. We cannot be together. We will hurt so many people if we ever get together>Yet not being able to see, hear him and touch him hurts so bad. After all these while, I thought the pain had somehow melted away. Today I was proved wrong. The heart still longs. The passion still burns. Do I still love him? No doubt about that. I cant even type, he can still bring tears to my eyes. I guess although we are no longer together I know, he is still around. Now he is leaving. Somehow, this farewell seems more definite and final.

What it used to be like...

Well it was great, it was exhilarating and liberating. With you I was someone else. For a while I came out of the cocoon. I had a great time.Despite the odds, we had fun.

I wonder if one day we bumped into each other..how is it gonna be like. He still have the number. We fought through that number. We arranged to meet up for our rendevous through that number. We had phone sex with that number. I cried through that number. I hanged up on him through that number. I told him I loved him through that number too..

And guess what..he still keeps the number. Wish I didnt know about this. Wish I had no idea about it. The weird thing is I felt relieved when I knew he kept the number. Its just a number but it meant a lot.

I see Frankie J and I see you. I wish its you. I still remember how you taste like and how you smell. How prickly your bald head used to feel under my hands. But I loved it anyway. Well out of our relationship, the only thing that can be salvaged out was just that number. A celcom 019 number. Just a number. Quite a nice number actually. Easy to remember. Hard to forget.

Mother Daughter

Today I managed to catch the Oprah Prime Time show where she interviewed Maria Shriver and Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Thats Mrs Terminator and her mom. Today's show is all about mother daughter relationship and these two people are one of the best mother daughter team I have ever seen or read or heard for that matter. I mean firstly the have never had a mother daughter fight. NEVER!! Wow thats amazing.

I mean these people are the Kennedys and I would have thought with all the scandals and problems we read we'd thought that they'd be a bit dysfunctional. But no, actually they are a model family and I really like the tips they gave and one day when I have kids of my own I'd read back on this blog and take up all these pointers.

Some of the things mentioned in the show were :-

* All of their children are constantly giving or servicing the people. This is because materials are not a topic which is discussed in the house but what they plan to do with their life and their contributions to the society (er..these are some of the daily topics which were discussed during meal times..phew..)

* There were also pictures of children all over the world, under privilaged and malnourished all over the house to remind them of how lucky they are to have their life compared to others in some parts of the world.

* Meal times are important. Each and everyone of the family members must make it a point to eat together and have 'family time' together. None of the children have personal lines or tv in their room. This is so that they can watch tv together and have more family time together. Plus the children also do chores.

* It is not what we have in life (material things) which is important but what we have achieve in helping others are what success are made of.

* Well behaved women never made history :-))

* When we made a mistake, do not take it as 'our life is over' it is just that our life has altered a bit. We have to keep going on and make the best out of it.

* Eunice Shriver came up with Paralympics which gave new meanings and hope to a lot of special people all over the world.

I really admire them, their spirit of giving and contributing to make the world a better place is not just sweet talk. As we can clearly see they have done a lot and have played key roles in organising numerous charity events and organisations.

This particular episode touched me and forever I now see them in a new light and have greater respect to these American Royalties.

Memories...

I just realised how very much affected I still am to those songs. So today I made the move to compile a collection of my mp3. All the songs that used to mean so much. I heard one of the song and out of the blue the memories came rushing back. Hits me like some tidal wave. I cant let this go on. So I compiled everything so that I can keep on listening to it. Soon I will be immune to it. I believe I'll be able to do it. Since the break up, this is the first time I'm listening to it..soon it will stay that way. As a memory. It will not hurt anymore. I do so believe. Because now I am moving on. I am.

Here I am..

Managed to typed in my two pence only lose it in a flash. What a bummer. Anyway, yesterday I found out my Dr No is gettin married in December. I dunno whether to laugh or to cry. By midnight the shock sort of wore off. I knew it was coming yet..when the news finally came its another thing. But then, I think I am sort of prepared in a way..So my Dr No is now a DR NO NO...hehehe

When I found out..this song came on air..hmm a matter of coincidence or its a sign..:-))

BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES -KELLY CLARKSON

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

Now I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe, no I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don’t cry on the outside anymore
Anymore

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I do have hazel eyes...

Under the Tuscan Sun

I'm always a sucker for a feel good movie. Just finished watching Under the Tuscan Sun on SMV. I love feel good movies with a dash of Italian romance or a taste of Parisian passion. This movie reminds me of French Kiss (my ultimate feel good movie), Only You, the one with Marisa Tomei. That was during my school days and I was totally crazy about her in her pixie haircut and that sexy red dress. After watching that movie, told myself before I die, I have to go to Tuscany. Drive a mini and go xplore the countryside.

Now here I am, yet to achieve that dream. Yet I have faith that not so far in the future, yes I will be in Tuscany with my man.

When I was a teenager, I like reading all those 'Things you shud do before you turn 20'. I like to tick on the things I have never done and dared myself to finish up the list. However now im in my twenties and being 30 is very near in the future I find myself wondering why is it I cant even do half of those things in the list. I am scared that I will not make it. What if I turn 30 and I cant manage to finish the list.. Will I make it? Or my priorities have totally changed? Have I changed so much that I do not even recognise myself?? People see me and think that I have everything. That I am going through the motion what I am suppose to be doing when they get to my age. Still, I'm the one who is going through the motion and believe me there are loopholes everywhere in my so called life.

Now..this is making me really depressed. I just wanna go to Tuscany. I really do.

Tom Cruise...

I'm jotting this down as I'm watching Letterman interviewing Tom Cruise. I just dont get it.. of all the beautiful ladies and he chooses Katie Holmes??? Well..maybe there's more to her than a teenage soap star who-is trying to make it big by flashing her boobs wenever she can.

Today I say send off my little to bro who got a place in Queen E Hospital in KK. Yup, another doc in the family. Kinda sad ...to me, he'll always be my baby brother. My mom is taking it quite badly..sheeshhh...he's coming back in August for his convo, so it wont be long and we'll be seeing him soon.

I'm still keeping in touch with my Dr No altho he's a complete no no after THE incident a few weeks ago. But then, I just need to know..i cant keep on wondering forever..

I've been pretty bz for these past few days. Lotsa stuff has happens. My Dr No is back. He is still giving me the cold shoulder. What the heck but then I like his messages..cute and funny. I have this really bad feeling that he has mixed feelings about me. Well..who can blame him..

I think its about time I change my business, maybe I should go into these wedding stuff. I think I'd be much better at it. I dunno. I'm still so not sure what is it that I really wanna do. I got a job offer. Still, I have no idea whether I want to accept it.

I still missed Mr Fly. I got rid of a lots of stuuff in house in order to erase unwanted memories..NOT WORKIN. Eternal shunshine of the Spotless mind...hmm

The Keys to My heart

How ironic is this analysis..go figure.. though I had already entered for today..here's another I jUST haD to put it on..more for myself..a stark reminder of fiction and reality.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

My Star Wars Horrorscope...hehehe

I found this on the net..heheh interesting and really cool..hehehe..though people out there who dont really know me...dont believe all that you read k..

Its a few more days till the LAST Star WArs...and all my loved ones are gonna be watching it with me..yahoo!!! Cant Wait!!!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Dark clouds in the sky...

Today somehow the weather is echoing my feelings and my mood. I'm so down..and I'm down with fever once again. I dont know why but lately I get sick really easily.
Got a party to go tonite but with my current condition I think I have to let it pass though the idea of Meditreannean food is so hard to let go..

Soleil is also down, which makes today a lonelier day. Ironically we found out together that the man of our dreams recently got married to a really lovely girl in a similarly lovely wedding ceremony...since school days he was THE guy..cuteness with brains sheesh..now some girl got him. If she was like drop dead ugly or dropdead gorgeous it wont hurt so much but she is soooooo sweet and seems so nice that we just cant hate her. Plus she is one of those beauty with brains and she is just..well..so nice and sweet. Just right for him...So it was not surprising that both of us came down with a really bad fever after we found out. Bot of us are so down today that you have to dig deep to get us out of this rut. Plus my Dr No is still away..bosan...I sort of miss him. In a friendly kinda way. He can be quite boring and irritating but he is nice, well.. he's nice to me.

I went to a piano recital the other day which was absolutely enchanting. What a lovely evening we had. The pianist was Polish and dedicated the recital to his dead son. He even paused and shed a few tears in memory of his dead son. His son, a medical student who died at the age of 24. How tragic. It was touching and lovely. He ended the recital with a melodious French piece, something on Nightingale. (Yes..I was invited to the recital and was totally ignorant of the pianist's works..an embaressment yup it is..) When he was playing it all we can see was nightingale flying and singing all around us. It was absolutely beautiful. I felt as if time stopped and the world was at peace for once. An enchanting evening indeed.

My evening..

I want to live a life without regrets. That is my wish. I do admire all those people who have done so. i know you actually can do it. I remembered this guy who actually wrote a book about it. One of the things he did was to call back this lady who was in highschool with him and asked her out about 30 years later! well..at least..he tried :-))

Today went to watch the Indonesian movie, Tentang Dia. All girls outing. Needless to say at a time such as today, the movie was a wrong choice. Its sooooo depressing.!!! Still, I like the way its done, a bit slow but the cinamatography was quite good. Well compared to local movies, let us not even go there. Other than PGL and Sepet I dont even bother. Im also not really into Indon movie..cuz I cant understand the language, thank god for subtitles.

Anyway, about Tentang Dia, the story is mostly about relationships. Relationships between a girl wth another girl, a girl with her peers, a girl and a boy. I like the way it was potrayed. It is all about relationships just at different angles. How a girl is happier being with another girl instead of being with a boy who was willing to go to great lengths to make her happy. How deep a girlfriend can hurt you and how a man can break you.. I like it. It is full of those little things between the lines. Given a chance to give an analysis of a scene from the movie, I think I'd have a great time writing about it even if its just a ten minutes scene.

My morning..

I slept at Soleil's place today. Came back via cab. Scary ride you see. The driver had long talons and was leering through the rear mirror. Images of rape murdered bodies came to mind. Sheesh..too much imagination. I was relieved to finally got home. He kept saying 'manisnya..' and it was not flattering at all, as the matter a fact it was dead scary.

I still remembered the last time an old Chinese driver refused to let my hand go as I gave him the fare. That was scary too.Whats with me and cab drivers. Kept having these types of experiences with them. Whats with old Chinese drivers..they always like me..in a scary sort of way. Why cant those cute Chinese boys I see at the LRT notice me the same way..hehehe..that I wont mind at all.

My Dr No is away again. He is always away. I am honestly using him as a distraction tool. To distract me from the inevitable. Well, so that I wont think about those who do not deserve to be remembered in a nice way. As in Peterpan's lyrics..
No matter what , you are never wrong
Despite what you did
I still think so highly of you.
Sentiasa meninggikan mu

It is so true as in the French saying, when a woman falls in love, the heart fills up and the head empties. Hmm..maybe I should ask my Dr No whether this is scientifically applicable. Based on a recent research this is somewhat true. How sad..how very sad..

My questions.. are finally answered

My guts was telling me that whatever that I felt..has happened. another double entry for today. He is seeing someone else. he has moved on. I should too.

Why do I feel like my heart is crushed all over again. Damn. Why is it that I still feel it. My heart is still aching. Why do I still feel all this. I know for sure I can handle this. Actually one thing I realized is that you never know how much you really love a person until you lost him. Then you just know. You just realized that gosh I am capable, I am capable of really loving a person.

He called..

Its been a while since I last logged in. Connection was cut off for a few days and I nearly suffocated. A lot has happened. These past few days has resulted in a chain of events that has somehow enlightened me in a way.

I wondered and I felt it, however I never expected the ghost from my past to actually come back to haunt me again. He called.

However, some things never changed. He called and yet he said all the wrong things again. Though this time I'm stronger. I guess it is good that he called. Now more than before I know I did the right thing. It would never worked out. He will never change. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much I want him back i know that the reality is very different from what I like it to be.

I'm at peace now. Though at times I do miss him. I miss his kisses and his touch. The intimacy that we shared were so intense and passionate and so hard to forget. I know if given the chance to turn back time, I would not change what I had done. I'd still be me. No doubt the chemistry was stronger compared to others, that was why it lasted that long...

Ironically our song is suddenly being played right at this moment..She will be loved by Maroon 5. I do believe that I will be loved and that I wll love again..someday..

Double entry

Today I have got issues. Issues I just feel like writing it down. Someone told me that Im incapable of real love. Of loving whole heartedly. Today I stand in time, and im thinking the depth and the truth of this statement. Coming from someone very close to me she might be right. there might be some truth to it..yet how does she knows the matters of the heart, of mine in particular when I , myself am not so sure.

Im here with him because he is the logical partner and not because of love??Is it? Am I that cold that Im incapable of expressing true love? I dont thinks so.

But then, I have this thing abt being forthright abt how you feel. To express love somehow..I feel is a sign of weakness.If a person knows that you are in love, that person can really hurt you. I feel that he knows your weakness. Faling in love is a huge risk... a huge risk to your heart, mind and soul.

A few years back, I lost my dad. coming from a close and big family, everyone grieved in their own way. Me, I decided that I put on this thinking that he is not really gone, he is here with us. His memory will live on. The pictures, the jokes, his teachings and guidance will always be with us. He will forever be a part of it. I refused to accept that he is really gone. I resent the mourning and grieveing and I always feel uncomfortable when people around me starts to cry and emotionally express their grief or something like that. I totally erased the date and time of death and still have a hard time remembering the date till today. I think it took me years to say that and realised that he is really gone and he is just not coming back.Yet no matter how long it has been, it is still hard.

My family thinks im cold and insensitive. Yet I do cry when Im alone and I weep for a loss which left such an impact on my heart. But I still feel that if I tell or even show how much I care for a person, that person can leave and hurt me..Im bare and open to his will and it is as if Im giving him this power to really hurt me. So before He does, usually I just took off. Yet, in current circumstances, I just cant. Im stuck here. Ihave to face this and work it out.

Tough day today...

I think i need a break. I really do.

Today is the day when one realized that one is just a mere mortal and the heart is a wild thing to control. hmm its a bit too much to handle in a day .

To have this feeling again, to feel for something which is not only out of reach but utterly forbidden. I'm not good at this. For a while, I just want to run off. Something I've been doing all the time. Thats my utmost problem actually not to be able to face it. To look at my problem in the eye and actually handling it. Its too soon. Me, being vunerable from the last time might have caused this.

The heart sometimes do things that you thought would never do. In my case, It looks as if it has a mind of its own. I know Im feeing something, I do not know what or how but I feel it.. I look into the eyes and I can see it.

My heart is not broken but its sad by the turn of events. Im sad. I wish we had met in another lifetime. in another world. As the song says, our union now, not only will hurt us but also everyone else around us. To be together, we can only be together in our dreams..yup I can so totally relate to it..

I'm still sick...

I'm still having my cough after 2 weeks..sheeshh.. That is why I always hate it if I get it. It gets so bad..and it takes its time to heal..there goes my sexy voice. Cant sing now, can only croak. Well..as if I've been singing anyway..heheh. Me, the mikefreak.

Had another huge argument wth doc razes. Really hate it. He can be so bloody judgemental. What is it with men who thinks they are so intelligent and is always right... So far experience have taught me that proffessionals sucks at emotional intelligence. They have no emotions actually...

My problems is nothin compared to the crisis that my family is in. That is why I hate talkin abt it. Sometimes I feel like i'm gonna burst. Today though,I did not break down..which is totally amazing..see i am getting stronger. All this will pass. Time will heal all the hurt and confusion. Sheessshh..easier said than done. But really I am made of better stuff..

Im not that strong afterall..

I've never felt this way before, its not in me to feel..well to throw in the towel, to stick out the white flag...before it even started...to lose hope.

But today..i do not even want to hope. I just want it to go away..I want him to go away. Theres sumthin there, its different this time. I feel it deep inside and it scares the hell out of me. I cant do it. I just cant do it again. I'm not strong enough for this.

Its so easy to misinterpret when you are vunerable. Its so easy to melt when people act as if they care. I bet he really doesnt. Why would he?

This is why I have to let go. I have to give him up and never talk or see him again..just in case. It'll be worse. Worse than the last time. Rebound thats all it is.

Im admitting that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And you know what I just dont care. Soulmates..i believe in it..I believe that there are out there..you're just not suppose to be together...yet you are connected. No matter what you are binded..you'll never forget but you are not together, then they cant hurt you and they'll remain soulmates.

doesnt matter if it doesnt make sense..it make sense to me..

Look what I found

Its dated sometime in the year 2000.. I'm posting it here because I really love the movie and the coincidence is just too much. I like it, i like his thoughts and how his mind works...sigh.

A**** H****A***** (eluid@csv.warwick.ac.uk), a University Student in England, March 6, 2000,

Reworking The American Dream

We could perhaps argue that modern life, wherever it is situated, is seriously flawed. Flawed in the sense that our hopes and dreams are always sacrificed in the name of practicality. Thus our hopes and dreams always remain as they are - Mere hopes and dreams. October Sky is about not sacrificing those hopes and dreams in the name of reality and practicality and to aspire for something more. Hickam's journey, as difficult as it may seem, is a journey that we all make, albeit at our own pace and in our ways. His experience is first and foremost, human and his success is always coupled with failures. We have always been bombarded with the ideal of the American Dream, of its failings and limitations. October Sky reworks that dream and reminds us that all human dreams are inherently good, that in us lies the ability to become more than what we are. Hickam reminds us of this in his autobiography when he prevailed in making his hopes and dreams a reality, and to realise our greatest human potential - To learn and to achieve. As idealistic as the novel might seem, it is realistic in its presentation of the American Dream and the human experience. Hickam's sentimentality is not a flaw as some would perceive, he is merely retelling his story through his own eyes and heart. Finally, October Sky is about living and doing things. It is about learning and achieving, sometimes with the help of others, most of the time, alone. It is about the human capacity to change for the better. There's a bit of Hickam in all of us, and there's a bit of all of us in Hickam. Such is the power of the prose in October Sky, that we are all human, after all.

Hope and dreams are sacrificed in the name of practicality..well in my case I gave it all up for a new responsibility. I feel as though all my dreams were dashed by all the changes and this transition that I am going through. I might never find my way back. I feel stuck in a rut..I really do

That someone....

Sometimes in life, you have that little someone who can make you smile when you feel rock bottom. Who does it for you..?

Me my little niece, no matter how bad things are..she never fails to make me smile with her antics.

Today however, somebody else made me smile..hmm... These days its sort of hard to bring a smile to my face, lots of things on my mind. But he did. Hmm.. I do not know why but believe me its scary. Why should i be so happy, he is nothin but a friend.. an acquiantance actually not even a real friend.

I guess when one went through hell and is still picking up the pieces from happenings in the past, a little concern and kindness is just too much. Its vunerability, its longing..yep that's it. It must be that. Anyway, a smile is all I'm willing to give for now. Nothing else. I need to get myself together first. Need to write more. I feel a bit rusty. Havent been writing for so long. My brains feel slow and numb. Dan brown is so good for me..for he makes my brain go on a spin so fast i find it hard to catch up..i just finished angels and demon. I'm gonna find digital fotress and begin another journey of mind numbing mysteries. That's the thing with dan brown's book, its a mixture of fictions and reality and somehow..everything he says make complete sense. It does not sound like fiction at all and the ending..pheww..

Dan covers all his tracks, not a stone goes unturned. Fabulous, fabulous writer..he's my idol.

I am so scared of waking up one day, and finding myself unable to write or to discuss intellectual things..to be in that category that i despise most to be slow and not articulate.To be vunerable and open to sarcasm. Unable to come back with a clever retort..to have the final say. That is my fear. That and all these which are happening will somehow kill my confidence and my faith..

I pray that God will make me strong no matter what comes my way...

I am no longer bitter..

Yup..that was what I wrote. Hi, how are you. I just want to tell you that I am no longer bitter, just sad..

Now come to think of it, I sound so..like well such a loser..sheeeshh. I do so regret it. But then its way too late now.

I am currently in transition, having to handle all these changes in my life and having a ghost from the past hovering at the back of my mind constantly despite all my efforts to forget has not been easy. But as a matter of fact, I am no longer bitter. Do I miss him, of course I still do. Do I wish him dead..er nope..well I still want to break his leg but naaah.. I know myself, I'd never hurt him even if I had the chance to do so. I am this way..I wanna be a bitch badly, but I guess its just not in my nature...yet still that does not make me an angel.

Relationship..I'm so scared now. An old friend I met want to know more and offered his shoulder to cry on. But although on friendly terms, intimacy scares me now. The mere touch brings lots a memories I would rather forget. A mixture of pleasure and pain. Yep, it is confusing indeed..to quote Alicia Keys, how could someone who gave you so much pleasure cause you so much pain..

Some days, when I get so busy..I hardly think about it..some days..like today, he is all around me. Memories so fresh..I feel as if I can still smell him.

One thing too, after all these time..its still hurts. I still get lump in my throat on lonely days. Rainy days it get worse. Although I promised not to write about it, this is the only way, the best way actually for me to ease the pain..the longing and the loss that I feel. Today is one of the worse actually. Maybe it will get better from here..yup it surely will. I have to make it better

Sensitive Men..The New Breed.

What is it with sensitive men...? Today my issue is with sensitive men. Is it a new age kinda thang..? All I wanted was a friend to share and the next thing I know, he freaked out on me.

Sheesh.. I thought I am the one who needed comfort, why am I comforting him, my so-called friend. Amazingly for a 'academician and psychologist' he seems pretty blurred. Was I too harsh? Was it me? Is there something here that I failed to read and understand? Sometimes I think I am a bit frank and outspoken for most men. But that's the way I am, I have to let it all out or I think I'll just burst. I am not pretentious...and I hope will never be.

I thought he can help, with his background I thought he'd understand the situation. It takes a lot for a person to open up and when she does, she feels vunerable and is much in need of comfort. Is that so hard a for a man to understand? Certain things that women says she dont really mean it or maybe you just need to read between the line honey...

I mean there I was wallowing in self pity, and trying to make myself feel better at the same time and all he can respond is to state another case of another friend a 'pretty and cute friend' he has to add. When a woman is depressed and down all she can think about is ME! ME! ME! I mean I dont care if the world is coming to an end at that moment in time for heaven's sake I just want you to listen and not blab about other people's problem in another world. I mean is that so hard to see...

He said he wanted to help. WAnted. In other words now he is just not interested in helping. Why are you a shrink in the first place..Sheeshh...Maybe I should pay him...but then he'd say I'm insulting him..sheeesshh..Why me..?..Why me..?

Why?

I am doing my very best to transform. To start over, to begin on a clean new slate. So things have been okay but not fine. I am still not fine. My heart still aches at night but I know I'll get over it. I know i will. So much for new hair and new evrythin. Aint workin out that simple. Not as simple as i thought. .hmm

Just because my girlfriend called and told me she thinks she bumped into him. He who owed me my sanity as well as my heart. I am still in search of that heart of mine. It is a bit fragile and can be a bit dumb when it comes to cute guys but it is still mine and I WANT IT BACK!!!!

I can change my location, my hair, my accent even my way of life and my so called routine yet..I just cant change my heart..sheeshh.. and today I broke my promise by putting this in black and white..I should not. I am suppose to go on and what happened before was supposed to 'never even happened in this new blog.."

Only God knows how much this hurts..

Here and back again...

11:36 PM

So much for starting a new blog..

I hardly had the time to log in. Scary stuff has been happening all around. Is God trying to tell us something? Are all these hints of what to come? Should we expect more? Are we not thankful of the things that we have around us?

Actually looking around us, reading the news these days is actually a chore. CSI cases everywhere. Bodies found in the river, in the bush in a burnt car etc. What if we get immune by all these stuff we read? What type of society and human beings that we have become? Whatever happens to our values?

Ahh..questions and questions..yet no answers. You might have the answer and others may disagree but the bottomline is..what are we doing about it? Is it enough? Do we even care?

New Entry and A New beginning

New blog, new start... new hair..new everything. I feel like im on the witness protection programme. But that is what I plan to do. I plan to get rid of my past and start anew. Life will be seen from another perspective. I will try and make the best of what I have. Probably try my best to have more in life and not feel guilty about it.I feel like a new person. I have finally ended everything that is negative in my life. I am not saying that this is easy, it is even scary come to think of it, but it is about time. To leave whatever was familiar to you and to embrace change. Sometimes this is the only way to accept it, the transitions in your life..it happens whether you want or you like it or not, it happens. I will make the best out of my life..I will beat this thing.This thing which overwhelms you and make you feel like you are not in control. I will make it go away.