I bid you adieu..

How apt that today of all the day, I found an entry, a final entry in my diary which I started when I was in my teens. It was how we first met. I'm putting it in this blog so that it wont be lost. There was no date. Just an entry in pencil.

" You were my mistake. Yet I cannot put you out of my mind. We met in the middle of a crowded flea market. I was going through the trinkets and I felt someone looking at me. I looked up and our eyes met and I thought, he's cute. That is one stall I will stop by.

I walked on and there you were having conversation with well..my other half. Trying not to be obvious and not to arouse any suspicion, I walked on. My heart was thumping wildly and I just cant figure out why. The fact that I was being really naughty. It was all supposed to be playful and harmless. It was a hot day but I was feeling super giddy with cold sweats on my forehead. I had no idea that the day would forever change me.


I went back in a circle until I came back to your stall and there was my other half puffing his cigar away. I tried my best to avoid your eyes but the moment you said hi and the conversation turned to you, our eyes were like stuck to each other. I can feel him looking and observing us. I can feel how inappropriate it was. But never in my life I felt like glued and I just cant take my eyes away. I knew I was grinning like an idiot and for that brief moment, it is as if the sounds just died away and there was just us. Up till today I still cant remember what exactly you were saying. It was as if you were speaking some foreign language. Nothing seems to matters and it was just us. 
Something just clicked that day.


I wanted to take your business cards which were laid on the table but thought otherwise. U were constantly at the back of my mind that a few days later I went through his cards and found yours. The name was a bit classical so I thought to myself if it turns out to be the boss, I'd just hang up.


He picked up. I tried to jog his memory by saying I was  at the flea market thinking that he'll never remember me. For God's sake it was a weekend flea market and it was a big crowd. So it was a big surprise when he said, I remember you. You came with a guy and you were cute.


Cute!! Haah! It was a sweaty and hot day and I think my brooch was stuck to my left cheek! This guy sure has problem with his eyesight. we chatted and he sounded young and chirpy. Laidback, hip hop and a bit reckless. Then he said, hey I dont want to cause any trouble. We can be friends but its risky.


Well, since when has the word risky stopped me from doing anything dumb.


The next thing I know, he picked me up in the wee hours of the morning and I realised for the first time that he is absolutely BALD! He wore a cap that day and I did not realise that he is actually bald, but completely HOT. He took me to Ampang, near my uncle's place for a drink and I was thinking gosh if I'm spotted, I'm so dead.

Later,when he dropped me home, I invited him in. God knows what I was thinking!! Dunno what why, my head was a bit messed up and he is a complete stranger and I invited him in! He came in and said, Nice dig you have here. It was awkward and we were both uncomfortable. And there was my wedding pic staring at both of us. Stark reminder of my reality. Plus things did not help that I was mumbling under my breathe , " I cant believe I actually invited you in". He fidgeted for a while and asked to leave. He gave me a wink at the door and all I could think of was Damn he's SUPER HOT! 


Later he texted me, "U have no idea how badly I wanted to stay." That text left me breathless. 

On our third meeting, he surprised me with THE kiss.  That was only the beginning. It was the hottest, intense and damning kiss ever. I went home and gulped the apple juice in the fridge from the box wishing that it was something stronger. The rest I cant put in black and white cuz it is too damning. I regret it with all my heart.


But I'm not 17 anymore. Yet, he made me feel like one. Like he said, we have no future. I would date you If I had known you earlier. Dont you regret saying yes so early?


I do wonder, but I'm not that naive anymore. In my reality, it had no future even from the very beginning. It was waay off course. Although the sparks nd chemistry was absolutely unforgettable. But it is over now. My heart still bleeds but I'm stronger now. I know it was never meant to be."


That person who wrote that was stronger than the person writing this today. 5 years later, I'm still bleeding. And today I sent him this text.

Deareast Jeez, u were my biggest mistake.  But how can I regret the stolen kisses in the car or that hot rainy night at the house. I wanna play along and pretend that I dont care and I can do this again. It might have meant nothing to you but not to me. I thought I can make luv to you one last time and say that it is just sex but I'm just not built to fuck without feelings. I miss those kisses and I always will. Be good cuz you were a great guy then. You were always gentle with me. You will always have a special place in my heart. Take care.
 

How ironic that 5 years later, I started both lines with the same sentence.

I love u. I always will.

He says he loves me.
He says that no matter what he will be here with me.
He says that no matter what my shortcomings he will love me the same.
He says nothing else matters as long as we are together.
He says that I am his strength and he forgave me for whatever I have done.
I promised to God that I will obey and love this man forever.
Our soul are binded and God is our witness.

Then how come my heart still longs for another. How come my heart still cracks at the thought of another. Then how come I just cant seem to move on. How come he rules my breath? How in the world did it come to this? Why cant I love the man that loves me unconditionally? Why cant I just embrace the safer choice? Why do I crave the pain?

I feel as if my heart is bleeding. I feel as if I touch and there is blood all over me. Blood of pain and suffering and most of all blood of guilt. I cannot stop the tears thathas been flowing freely these days. The mere thought stings. The mere vision halts my breathing. I thought with time, things will heal. So far it has gotten worse by the day. I want to embrace the safer choice, yet I also want to run away from it. I want to run and find my pain. I want to keep on suffering. I rejoice at the fire that is scorching my very soul.

You are not worth this.
You are not worth me writing this blog.
You are not worth my my tears.
You are not worth this excruciating pain in my heart.
You are not worth my love.

We should never have met.
Because now, a part of my soul is gone.
Because now, my heart is empty.
I breathe and move but inside I am dead.
I am lifeless.
I walk on glasses.
And my visions blurs amid the memories and reality.

I will never be the same again.
Never.

The truth finally dawns..

After coming to terms that you are gone for good...again, you come back. Saying Hi to me. Made my day and I played along as if nothing happened.

But it was too good to be true.

Today I saw your true colours. And again it broke me. I keep going around this circle over and over again. Am I some kind of masochist? Why I keep putting myself in line of fire. As if I enjoy the pain that I should have expected from the beginning.

I thought you came back because you still think of me. I thought you were fighting the urge to yet somehow, I held you back. I thought of all the fantasy stupid crappy romantic stuff. When in the end the truth was right before my eyes. I just failed to see it. Maybe I even refused to see it. But with your text today. Your refusal to open up and talk and your one track mind on your aim. I finally see where you are heading.

I cant do it. If I do it it is just to have the feel of you close to me again. To hear your heart beat against mine and to feel your breathe against mine. But I know, if I ever choose to cross that path again, this time the pain will kill me.

I will die when I look in your eyes and I see the emptiness.
I will die when I see how I have sacrificed my soul and stoop this low just for a person who has fail to see me as who I am.
I will die when I can feel that you just cant feel like how I'm feeling.
And most of all, I will die all over again when you walkout the door.

This is hard. But this time I really have to let go. This time it is done. I'm done.

I cant even describe how much I misses you..

I heard this song over the radio. Suddenly the world is alive with all the songs I would like to forget. Suddenly when I was about to fall asleep, it was as if I can see your face bending down to me. It was as if I can actually feel your lips upon mine. It was so real that I found myself turning away. It was too painful to remember. I do not want to remember. I want to erase you from my brain. I seriously do. I went through this blog, it took me 4 bloody years for me to finally stop writing about you! 4 Years!! Hard to believe but then that is me alright. I held on as you let go..

Never told You
Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I never told you because I know that you know just by looking in my eyes. I never told you because I know it is pointless anyway. I never told you probably because I am afraid to hear your response to it...

Today is your birthday...

I never thought it would be this bad. Always thought that I can handle it. Today it was so bad that I literally thought about slashing my wrist. Crazy.

Today I felt like dyin. Driving was a maze. The heat was crazy and the traffic was bad. But what was worse was the horrible pain in my heart.

I sent you "Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. Which one r u? Have a fabulous birthday!!"

It was a chirpy and happy message but you didnt even reply. My heart keep breaking as I sat and waited. Not even a thank u. Nothin.

I shouldnt have been surprised. I should have expected it. Actually I had. But when it really happened, I felt like jumping off a building.

What was I thinking? What was I waiting for? A miracle to change your heart?

Today I found myself saying to myself, there is only 2 things I badly wanted and you come to a close second. Crazy. That is crazy talking.

Again. It is all me. It is all my own doing.

My moment of madness...

I am reading all my past postings again just to check the chronology of what happened in these past few weeks. It all started with a hunch. A pain at the pit of my tummy. A pain of loss. That "I miss you so badly I just wanna die feeling". It just came over and I opened this blog again to read. I was just reminiscing what happened and what I felt. Then I started writing down everything cuz suddenly I feel as if I can remember every little details. I wrote it down so I wont forget.

Then a few days later I saw you online. I have never seen you online before and it has been 5 years!! I wrote you that piece and you were happy that I replied. It seems that you have been trying to make contact. Then you gave me your number and I had to steel myself everytime I see you online cuz I was afraid that I would topple.When I saw that avatar with the beating heart I know that you have certainly moved on and it broke me. However, I tried my best to keep my chin up and hold it in until I called Eve and broke down. Later,my days were filled, and I was really busy and somehow I managed to keep myself Occupied.

Then you replied and sent cute messages through YM and I found myself smiling again. I thought that maybe this time would be different and maybe we can be just friends. So when everything calmed down I went looking for you. We had our first phone conversation and chatted and all along you just wanna know whether I'm still married. When I said that I am, you started to change. You made hurtful stinging remarks about wanting to meet up for sex and all that. "For sex y not? But not for romance after all you are still married." When I said " It didnt stop you before and you said "I was younger then" I sensed such bitterness when you said it. It was as if you really hated me. Then you were gone. Again. I am left in a mess.

Now everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart. Everyday I stare at the walls and wonder what I said wrong. I was still keeling from the shock that after all these years, you came back. I am just not ready to let you go but you are gone. They said you are being a gentleman because you are not taking advantage of my moment of weakness. They said it is because cold turkey is the only way to go. They said it is for the best. They said he is doing this because he is feeling used. That in whatever way he is at the losing end while I am always winning. They said he is doing this because he probably cares...

What have I done Is? I am broken without you. If I broke you too then I am sorry. I am sorry for making this madness a reality. I am sorry that we met. I am sorry for this moment of madness. I wish to have a room somewhere in the corner of your heart. That is all I wish for. I am sorry for eveything. I truly am.

I'm missing you again...

I miss the way you can turn me on just by undressing me with your eyes.I miss sitting on your lap. I miss the hot kisses in the car. I miss having your hands all over me. I miss the way you love to grab my butt. I miss hearing you whisper and breathing in my ear. I miss feeling your naked skin against mine. I miss having your mouth all over my body. I miss getting all hot and wet just by the flick of your fingers. I miss having your tongue lick me in places I don’t even know existed. I miss the way we move our hips together. I miss your mouth against my breasts, sucking me and making me lose my mind. I miss having you fill me up. I miss you moving inside of me. I miss you making me cum. I miss losing control with you. I’m not me when I’m with you. It’s like I’m not me.

I cant, I would and I should but I just couldn't...

I want to say that it was meaningless. That it was just at the heat of the moment. That my heart was not involved. That it was just infatuation. That I was pressured at the moment. That I was messed up and the circumstances drove me to do it.

But I do remember the time when I watched you while you sleep. I remember running my fingers lightly over your lips and your chest. Thinking of how beautiful you were in my eyes. I remember opening my eyes and saying I love you quietly in my heart. Knowing at that moment I was falling hard. Knowing and being fully aware that it is not the crazies talking but its my heart.

How can I do all that without falling. How can I let you kiss and touch me without developing any feelings whatsoever. How can I look into your eyes again and not let my feelings show. How can I see you with her and not have my heart break into little pieces. How can I not be with you and withhold this feeling of being ripped apart. How can I be with you and not love you. How can I...??

Why do you have to come back?

I need you to know that u cant just come and messed me up and go again.

I have picked up all the pieces and glued myself together. I dont need this now and I cant take it now. You make me think of my past which was so painful and broken that I wish it never happened in the first place.

You came, you conquered and you left.

I was a mess and I cant breathe when u left. But I got well. I moved on or so I thought. Until you came back again. Now my days and nights are filled with my memories of us together. You hoped so much that I left him. But u left me to die. I thought you will never come back so I moved on...or so I thought. I cannot deal with this. I cannot deal with the confusion and guilt. I am torn between doing the right thing and to follow my heart. I wanna see you. I wanna breathe you again. I hate you for coming back. I hate you for making me melt again. I hate you for making me shiver whenever I see a tall bald guy pass by.

Tonight went out with girls and passed a group of men at the table. One of them was bald and wearing a striped shirt. I froze and thank god I was sitting in the car already. If not I think I would just crumble on the floor. I felt a searing pain goes through my heart. What if its you? What if its you with another?

I cant deal with all these. I dont know how I get over it all, but now that Im going down the same road again I cannot imagine how I can last this journey through.

I cant let go....

do u still want me?
yeah
how bad..
mayb more wen we meet

Some things just dont change even after 5 years. Even through chat he can still make me breathless.. I had to sit down after that conversation and learn how to breathe again. Suddenly I feel short of breath and my sights become a blur. I need to hear him. I need to breathe him in again. Sometimes I feel like throwing caution in the wind and see him again.

I have always imagine how things would be if one day he pops back again. Things are great and suddenly he comes in and messed up my reception. I cant see straight. I cant even focus on anything and I feel absolutely crazy!! These days I'm walking in a daze. I keep on staring out and the world seems to spin around while I'm rooted in my past. I wanna let go and walk away. Everyday I wear my heart on my sleeve. The more I hear the song the sadder it all becomes. He is hoping that I am single again. He is hoping that after 5 years I am free enough to become his. He has no idea. No idea of the conflict and guilt that is raking my insides. He has absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to walk away. To let go of my past and to do the right thing. I have to do the right thing and just walk. I have to keep walking and not look back. I cannot be hung up with my past. Those times, us together was a mistake. No matter what or how I justify, it was all a big horrible MISTAKE. We were a mistake that should not have happen in the first place.

But knowing that after all these years, you still want me is enough for me. That is enough for me to go on living.

Its been one hell of a week...

I need u.

At the back of my head, memories flood through. I am wading against the waves. I have to reach the shore before I drown. Sometimes I get so tired and I wanna let it take me. That is when I reach for the phone just to hear your voice or get a glimpse of you.

Other days, I feel strong and swim furiously. I see the shore but as I get near it, it stretches further away.Those are the days when you post your Adam Lambert's song. Wattaya want From Me or when you post something on YM that breaks me bit by bit.

I cannot do this again. I cant focus on anything. I am having problems reconnecting to things around me. I feel like a robot going through the motions when actually I am breaking, screaming and struggling inside. I see you in everything and everywhere I go. I smell you in the air although you are miles away.

You have absolutely no idea how badly I want to just grab the keys and knock on your door. You have no idea how hard it is not to reply your messages or try not to call you back.

I am drowning again. Im gulping the water and my breath is shorter and I am suffocating. I wanna breathe again. And I wanna breathe it with you.

I need to stop missing you...

Yeah I go back to you, every chance I get
No matter how soft my skin is
From the last time you dug real deep
My bones are shaking and I can't do this anymore
And I need to stop missing you
I can't fix us two
(Katie Costello - I Cant Fix Us Two)

I need to stop missing you.
I need to put this all behind. I need to move on.

Im all concious, about my face, my body and even my hair. Im scared that I'll bump into him wth his new gurl cuz I cant deal with that rite now.. I just cant.

Addicted ..Its like I'm not me.

I have been having this twitch in my eye. It has been twitching the whole day. I went out nearly the whole day, when I finally could bring myself to check for my inbox.

Lo and behold, the reply that I have been waiting for. Five years. It has been 5 years. Why is he suddenly back. Why is he saying all the things again. Why is this happening again? Am I going to back the same path? I am really scared. The toughest fight of all is the fight you have within yourself.

It was really weird on the coincidence. I should not have replied. I thought he will never read it. I thought it will be something like the emails which Bella sent to an empty address. I thought it will stop whatever that I was feeling. I thought it would lose the edge. The edge. The addiction. Kelly Clarkson hits the bulls eye with these lyrics. Exactly what I'm feeling being put into words. She just didnt add that.... addiction always brings to destruction.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Today is a better day...

 

Today had a family gathering thing. So my attention was distracted a bit. And never was there a moment where I had to run and take a breather and just breathe. Today I feel much better. I even baked today. Chocolate bread pudding from Surfin the Menu.

My newly single friend aka Ms Eve said to me yesterday, is it something that you are not satisfied that made you go dig for him. I insisted that I didnt dig, yet, that it was all a coincidence. I dwloaded YM to chat to a girlfriend and found old postings by him. Messages that went unanswered  cuz I was busy going through my life. Was it a coincidence? Or was it my curiousity? I cannot really say.. It was a test. A small test.

And I broke like a twig.

Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was the dumb stupid avatar. I still cant really say… So yesterday went to watch a movie “ I hate Valentines Day”. Ironically it echoes how  I feel about the heart throbbing avatar with heart shaped chocs in his hands. To add salt to the wound, the movie ended with the guy serenading the girl and making his friends formed the heart shape and asking the girl “Will you be my Valentine!” Sheesh… I could not have picked a worse movie. Anyway, had a great time. It would have been worse if I had not gone out. I would be moping around the house and telling everybody that I am still sick….

But today is a better day. Wish  Eve was here so that she can see that I am much better. It was just the cough and the hormones and all those feelings you get all cooped up in your room all alone. I am much better when I am surrounded by people. I am a people person. I think…

Yes, today I feel much better. I open the page and see your face and I realize how very beautiful you are to me, but I do not feel broken. Not today. Just happy to have had the chance , how briefly it was to have that “Beautiful Disaster” with you.

What a start to my day...

I dunno why but it 8am and Im already depressed. Its too early for me mope around, its like its too early for me to get drunk..

I shot for the sky, Im stuck on the ground. So why did I try I know Im gonna fall down.

I miss him so badly. Its all coming back and I wish there is a way to stop this wave of memories. It has been so long but these days, sleeping is hard and when I wake up he is the only one I think. What is the matter with me? Im being such a fool. It is too early to be a fool.

I have a family gathering today. Lets hope things can sort of distract me. Maybe it is being cooped up in this room that is driving me nuts. I am just being stupid.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind..

I wonder if you think of me sometimes...

Am i that forgettable?

Stupid freakin avatars..

I saw him online and he is seriously messing with my head. I should let it go. But I saw the pic. What are the odds that I am never online and never check my YM that I end up seeing all this today. Today of all the days. Today is the day that I bumped into that stupid avatar of a bald headed ass with a freakin beating heart. What the hell??? Im not sure how to handle it.Im so over him. When I saw the pic, the lips..sheesh...lips which is probably kissin another bitch at this very moment. Anyway,I am so over him. I have moved on. I am so over this creep!! I can handle this. i am a mature independent woman. I can handle the freakin avatar with the red beatin heart!! What the fuck! What sort of corny avatar is that?? An avatar that tells the world that you are head over heels in love..

An avatar that brought me to my knees. An avatar that left me sobbing on the floor just now...Sheesh stupid dumb avatar..Why cant avatar be as hunky and hot as Sam Worthington..and not stupid bald with a freakin beatin heart..

Baby I miss you....

I miss you…
It has been years. It has been so so long when I felt this way. Is it because my hormone is going crazy or is it because I truly miss you. Or simply because I am writing again. I have not written anything for ages. Because I thought I have moved on. Then wham…it all came back to me. It was as if somebody blocked it and 2 years later its back in full blown and I can remember every details of it. 

I wanna write this down so I wont forget it. We were in a car and  that was the first time I saw you without your cap on. I never thought bald was cute but then that night you were beyond cute. We stopped and I was feeling quite awkward. There was tension in the car and I kept looking the other way cuz I was too nervous to look at you. Then you ask for my hand as you held out your palm. Slowly I put my hand in yours and slowly you ran your fingers on the lines in my palm. It was so slow and sexy that I found myself holding my breath. I look out the window and started saying something which I totally have forgotten by now because of what came next simply blew my mind away. I turn to you and you grabbed my head and gave me that KISS.  We kissed so many times after that but it will never be the same as that kiss. I was in shocked at first. But your lip was so intense and I can feel slowly the desire  building up. I kissed you back and when you slide your tongue in, I stopped breathing. When we broke away we were both panting. I had a hard time believing that it all was not a dream when you dropped me home.  A few nights later I asked you to stay when you dropped me home and you gave me some feeble excuse about needing to wake up early the next day. Then you texted me, “babe you look so sweet that you have no idea how hard is it for me to walk away last night”. I smiled the whole week and kept the text in my phone for ages.

I was in my most confused and lonely place all those time when we were having that so called fling. You took full advantage of it and baby I just don’t give a damn. And do you remember when we were making out in the car and it was your first time making it to second base. You keep wanting to touch my breast after that. There goes the kissing.  I remember running my hands on your jeans as we kiss in the car. I remember your face and your heavy breathing as you get all hot and bothered. You look all drunk and crazy and your eyes  gets all droopy and your hands were all over me. And I remember so badly I wanted to sit on your lap as you drive and kiss you endlessly.

Everytime we were making out it was totally intense and I remember biting your earlobe, licking your neck and touching you. You open your eyes and started kissing me. The next thing I know you were on top of me. Till today, I am still amazed at how fast it was for you to undo my bra straps and getting me naked in no time. Maybe it was because of all the kissing that was causing the haze in my brain. I will always remember the kisses. I love putting my hand all over your shoulder and feel your shaved head under my fingers. Nope you had no hair for me to run my fingers in but you had that fabulous neck and rasp and tingling feel of that shaved head of yours. I love kissing you and absolutely losing myself in that kiss. I love just having to kiss and not do anything heavier than that.  I can never control myself when we are together. My head keep saying no but with every flick of your fingers, I lost it. It is as if something else has taken over my body and I can just sigh and moan. It was crazy. It was so so crazy and mindless and oh so so wrong…

Baby, do you remember that night when it rained and we were all hot and heavy.aah..the things you do with your fingers. Sigh. Do you remember me coming on your lap.  My hair was all over the place and I was writhing on the floor with only the blanket covering me and you were whispering that I look damn hot when I lose it on that floor with you…And we will start kissing.. I will always remember the kisses. It was what kept us going. I believe we kept coming back for that. For all those kisses..

Im writing again. Is it a good or a bad thing...

This blog...is my therapy. I thought I have healed and well and off this so called "meds". But lately, its a need again. Ive lost Soleil. Well we sort of went our separate ways. Its been more than a year. I was happier. I had other friends. Life have changed for the better and me and my other half is now very happy together.

Then..I got sick.

I had to be quarantined for more than a week. Those days when I was in pain and lying half drugged made me think. Probably it was the loneliness and feeling of death. I dunno what it was but it was really bad. Suddenly I start thinking about my past and all my past sins. What have I done? Will I ever recover from my mistakes? Will I ever forget?

When I recovered, I went out with girls. And somewhere along the way, I find myself staring into space. I can't speak no more. They have moved on other things. Things which I have nothing in common with. I'm not in this world anymore. Although I joined the chat and laughter, but deep inside i feel so alone. I miss Soleil. Sometimes in this world there is that one friend you can talk to and no one is the same and that is what she was to me. But what happened was so painful and I refuse to turn back. She made me cautious. She made me regret. She is now the reason why I have all this trust issues. It is so hard to open up and speak and to share again. I tried with my other half but he just don't get it and we end up arguing about it. The fact that I can speak to Soleil and not be able to share it with him is something he just cannot comprehend and he feels dejected by it.

So as I lie here today. All I can think is I need to write again. I need to express myself and get it all out. As I read my past postings and I cannot believe how miserable I was when I was writing all those things.

But now, I am happier. Still a bit lonely at times. But I blame it on the hormones these days. Just those time of the month. But I do miss Soleil. And I so so miss Butterfly. Once in awhile I still dream of him. I even wake up with tears on my cheek. How corny is that... or is it just sad...