My moment of madness...

I am reading all my past postings again just to check the chronology of what happened in these past few weeks. It all started with a hunch. A pain at the pit of my tummy. A pain of loss. That "I miss you so badly I just wanna die feeling". It just came over and I opened this blog again to read. I was just reminiscing what happened and what I felt. Then I started writing down everything cuz suddenly I feel as if I can remember every little details. I wrote it down so I wont forget.

Then a few days later I saw you online. I have never seen you online before and it has been 5 years!! I wrote you that piece and you were happy that I replied. It seems that you have been trying to make contact. Then you gave me your number and I had to steel myself everytime I see you online cuz I was afraid that I would topple.When I saw that avatar with the beating heart I know that you have certainly moved on and it broke me. However, I tried my best to keep my chin up and hold it in until I called Eve and broke down. Later,my days were filled, and I was really busy and somehow I managed to keep myself Occupied.

Then you replied and sent cute messages through YM and I found myself smiling again. I thought that maybe this time would be different and maybe we can be just friends. So when everything calmed down I went looking for you. We had our first phone conversation and chatted and all along you just wanna know whether I'm still married. When I said that I am, you started to change. You made hurtful stinging remarks about wanting to meet up for sex and all that. "For sex y not? But not for romance after all you are still married." When I said " It didnt stop you before and you said "I was younger then" I sensed such bitterness when you said it. It was as if you really hated me. Then you were gone. Again. I am left in a mess.

Now everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart. Everyday I stare at the walls and wonder what I said wrong. I was still keeling from the shock that after all these years, you came back. I am just not ready to let you go but you are gone. They said you are being a gentleman because you are not taking advantage of my moment of weakness. They said it is because cold turkey is the only way to go. They said it is for the best. They said he is doing this because he is feeling used. That in whatever way he is at the losing end while I am always winning. They said he is doing this because he probably cares...

What have I done Is? I am broken without you. If I broke you too then I am sorry. I am sorry for making this madness a reality. I am sorry that we met. I am sorry for this moment of madness. I wish to have a room somewhere in the corner of your heart. That is all I wish for. I am sorry for eveything. I truly am.