I need to stop missing you...

Yeah I go back to you, every chance I get
No matter how soft my skin is
From the last time you dug real deep
My bones are shaking and I can't do this anymore
And I need to stop missing you
I can't fix us two
(Katie Costello - I Cant Fix Us Two)

I need to stop missing you.
I need to put this all behind. I need to move on.

Im all concious, about my face, my body and even my hair. Im scared that I'll bump into him wth his new gurl cuz I cant deal with that rite now.. I just cant.

Addicted ..Its like I'm not me.

I have been having this twitch in my eye. It has been twitching the whole day. I went out nearly the whole day, when I finally could bring myself to check for my inbox.

Lo and behold, the reply that I have been waiting for. Five years. It has been 5 years. Why is he suddenly back. Why is he saying all the things again. Why is this happening again? Am I going to back the same path? I am really scared. The toughest fight of all is the fight you have within yourself.

It was really weird on the coincidence. I should not have replied. I thought he will never read it. I thought it will be something like the emails which Bella sent to an empty address. I thought it will stop whatever that I was feeling. I thought it would lose the edge. The edge. The addiction. Kelly Clarkson hits the bulls eye with these lyrics. Exactly what I'm feeling being put into words. She just didnt add that.... addiction always brings to destruction.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Today is a better day...

 

Today had a family gathering thing. So my attention was distracted a bit. And never was there a moment where I had to run and take a breather and just breathe. Today I feel much better. I even baked today. Chocolate bread pudding from Surfin the Menu.

My newly single friend aka Ms Eve said to me yesterday, is it something that you are not satisfied that made you go dig for him. I insisted that I didnt dig, yet, that it was all a coincidence. I dwloaded YM to chat to a girlfriend and found old postings by him. Messages that went unanswered  cuz I was busy going through my life. Was it a coincidence? Or was it my curiousity? I cannot really say.. It was a test. A small test.

And I broke like a twig.

Maybe it was the timing. Maybe it was the dumb stupid avatar. I still cant really say… So yesterday went to watch a movie “ I hate Valentines Day”. Ironically it echoes how  I feel about the heart throbbing avatar with heart shaped chocs in his hands. To add salt to the wound, the movie ended with the guy serenading the girl and making his friends formed the heart shape and asking the girl “Will you be my Valentine!” Sheesh… I could not have picked a worse movie. Anyway, had a great time. It would have been worse if I had not gone out. I would be moping around the house and telling everybody that I am still sick….

But today is a better day. Wish  Eve was here so that she can see that I am much better. It was just the cough and the hormones and all those feelings you get all cooped up in your room all alone. I am much better when I am surrounded by people. I am a people person. I think…

Yes, today I feel much better. I open the page and see your face and I realize how very beautiful you are to me, but I do not feel broken. Not today. Just happy to have had the chance , how briefly it was to have that “Beautiful Disaster” with you.

What a start to my day...

I dunno why but it 8am and Im already depressed. Its too early for me mope around, its like its too early for me to get drunk..

I shot for the sky, Im stuck on the ground. So why did I try I know Im gonna fall down.

I miss him so badly. Its all coming back and I wish there is a way to stop this wave of memories. It has been so long but these days, sleeping is hard and when I wake up he is the only one I think. What is the matter with me? Im being such a fool. It is too early to be a fool.

I have a family gathering today. Lets hope things can sort of distract me. Maybe it is being cooped up in this room that is driving me nuts. I am just being stupid.

I wonder if I ever cross your mind..

I wonder if you think of me sometimes...

Am i that forgettable?

Stupid freakin avatars..

I saw him online and he is seriously messing with my head. I should let it go. But I saw the pic. What are the odds that I am never online and never check my YM that I end up seeing all this today. Today of all the days. Today is the day that I bumped into that stupid avatar of a bald headed ass with a freakin beating heart. What the hell??? Im not sure how to handle it.Im so over him. When I saw the pic, the lips..sheesh...lips which is probably kissin another bitch at this very moment. Anyway,I am so over him. I have moved on. I am so over this creep!! I can handle this. i am a mature independent woman. I can handle the freakin avatar with the red beatin heart!! What the fuck! What sort of corny avatar is that?? An avatar that tells the world that you are head over heels in love..

An avatar that brought me to my knees. An avatar that left me sobbing on the floor just now...Sheesh stupid dumb avatar..Why cant avatar be as hunky and hot as Sam Worthington..and not stupid bald with a freakin beatin heart..

Baby I miss you....

I miss you…
It has been years. It has been so so long when I felt this way. Is it because my hormone is going crazy or is it because I truly miss you. Or simply because I am writing again. I have not written anything for ages. Because I thought I have moved on. Then wham…it all came back to me. It was as if somebody blocked it and 2 years later its back in full blown and I can remember every details of it. 

I wanna write this down so I wont forget it. We were in a car and  that was the first time I saw you without your cap on. I never thought bald was cute but then that night you were beyond cute. We stopped and I was feeling quite awkward. There was tension in the car and I kept looking the other way cuz I was too nervous to look at you. Then you ask for my hand as you held out your palm. Slowly I put my hand in yours and slowly you ran your fingers on the lines in my palm. It was so slow and sexy that I found myself holding my breath. I look out the window and started saying something which I totally have forgotten by now because of what came next simply blew my mind away. I turn to you and you grabbed my head and gave me that KISS.  We kissed so many times after that but it will never be the same as that kiss. I was in shocked at first. But your lip was so intense and I can feel slowly the desire  building up. I kissed you back and when you slide your tongue in, I stopped breathing. When we broke away we were both panting. I had a hard time believing that it all was not a dream when you dropped me home.  A few nights later I asked you to stay when you dropped me home and you gave me some feeble excuse about needing to wake up early the next day. Then you texted me, “babe you look so sweet that you have no idea how hard is it for me to walk away last night”. I smiled the whole week and kept the text in my phone for ages.

I was in my most confused and lonely place all those time when we were having that so called fling. You took full advantage of it and baby I just don’t give a damn. And do you remember when we were making out in the car and it was your first time making it to second base. You keep wanting to touch my breast after that. There goes the kissing.  I remember running my hands on your jeans as we kiss in the car. I remember your face and your heavy breathing as you get all hot and bothered. You look all drunk and crazy and your eyes  gets all droopy and your hands were all over me. And I remember so badly I wanted to sit on your lap as you drive and kiss you endlessly.

Everytime we were making out it was totally intense and I remember biting your earlobe, licking your neck and touching you. You open your eyes and started kissing me. The next thing I know you were on top of me. Till today, I am still amazed at how fast it was for you to undo my bra straps and getting me naked in no time. Maybe it was because of all the kissing that was causing the haze in my brain. I will always remember the kisses. I love putting my hand all over your shoulder and feel your shaved head under my fingers. Nope you had no hair for me to run my fingers in but you had that fabulous neck and rasp and tingling feel of that shaved head of yours. I love kissing you and absolutely losing myself in that kiss. I love just having to kiss and not do anything heavier than that.  I can never control myself when we are together. My head keep saying no but with every flick of your fingers, I lost it. It is as if something else has taken over my body and I can just sigh and moan. It was crazy. It was so so crazy and mindless and oh so so wrong…

Baby, do you remember that night when it rained and we were all hot and heavy.aah..the things you do with your fingers. Sigh. Do you remember me coming on your lap.  My hair was all over the place and I was writhing on the floor with only the blanket covering me and you were whispering that I look damn hot when I lose it on that floor with you…And we will start kissing.. I will always remember the kisses. It was what kept us going. I believe we kept coming back for that. For all those kisses..

Im writing again. Is it a good or a bad thing...

This blog...is my therapy. I thought I have healed and well and off this so called "meds". But lately, its a need again. Ive lost Soleil. Well we sort of went our separate ways. Its been more than a year. I was happier. I had other friends. Life have changed for the better and me and my other half is now very happy together.

Then..I got sick.

I had to be quarantined for more than a week. Those days when I was in pain and lying half drugged made me think. Probably it was the loneliness and feeling of death. I dunno what it was but it was really bad. Suddenly I start thinking about my past and all my past sins. What have I done? Will I ever recover from my mistakes? Will I ever forget?

When I recovered, I went out with girls. And somewhere along the way, I find myself staring into space. I can't speak no more. They have moved on other things. Things which I have nothing in common with. I'm not in this world anymore. Although I joined the chat and laughter, but deep inside i feel so alone. I miss Soleil. Sometimes in this world there is that one friend you can talk to and no one is the same and that is what she was to me. But what happened was so painful and I refuse to turn back. She made me cautious. She made me regret. She is now the reason why I have all this trust issues. It is so hard to open up and speak and to share again. I tried with my other half but he just don't get it and we end up arguing about it. The fact that I can speak to Soleil and not be able to share it with him is something he just cannot comprehend and he feels dejected by it.

So as I lie here today. All I can think is I need to write again. I need to express myself and get it all out. As I read my past postings and I cannot believe how miserable I was when I was writing all those things.

But now, I am happier. Still a bit lonely at times. But I blame it on the hormones these days. Just those time of the month. But I do miss Soleil. And I so so miss Butterfly. Once in awhile I still dream of him. I even wake up with tears on my cheek. How corny is that... or is it just sad...