Walking Away

Well...today I am retracting everything that I have written for the past few weeks. A few days ago that is. One day that is all it takes to have your dreams and hopes dashed into smithereens.

I backed out. I am walking out before he has the ability to hurt. Before he can suck in the happiness that I have worked so hard to achieve. I have never felt so desolate and so scared. Still, deep inside I know this is the best thing and the right move to make. I chickened out before you can even say the word "chicken" itself. Sad. Sad is my life.

I know I can give it a go and taste it. But I am not willing to pick up the pieces if it do not worked out in the end. For the umpteenth times I have also realised that some men can be so DENSE!!! SO blind and have absolutely no idea how some humans are born with emotions. How can he not realised that his mere words can trigger past pain and stirred hidden deep imbedded feelings. I have worked so hard NOT to let it show. Do we women have to spell it out word by word..???

SO much have left unsaid. If he cant see it, there is no other way that I am willing to say it. I am walking out. I am walking out before it is too late. Before things get in too deep.

I keep on telling myself it is for the fun of it, yet I know deep inside there is more to it that I am looking for. I feel so lost and so alone. Maybe we will meet again in another lifetime, under different circumstances. As for now, I am just not willing to risk my heart again. I am still bruised from my last encounter. Actually my heart is still there way in Dublin. I cant do it. I thought I would be strong enough to handle it but reality is..I am just not ready. Not yet.

He is to me my Beautiful Disaster.

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme, I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
If I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right, Lord it just ain't right

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
He's strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight, baby hold me tight

Oh, and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy, hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of a miracle
Waiting so long
I've waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end, he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

should I or shouldnt I...

Before next month is over, I will make sure that I've taste my forbidden fruit..hehehe.

Yup, I have decided and I am putting it here in black and white. He is too hot for me to say No to. All I have to start doing right now is aim for the target. Most of all, I have to put matters of the heart behind me for now.


I have to be careful in order not to let any emotions get involved. It should only be physical.I have to plan everything down to the T. I mean, when am I ever gonna get to experience this moment ever again.

But then, now its a bit early, I might chicken out a the very last minute hehehe. That will be SO me. Im torn actually, to do it earlier or to wait. If I wait, it should be worthwhile waiting for. But what if I'll never have the chance again??? Shuckss...

I need to ponder on this a while longer. I am trembling by the mere idea of it. All I need is the excitement and fun, nothing more. Nobody will get hurt if nobody knows right???

Vunerable..

I am at that stage in life when I am most vunerable. When you have experienced a loss and you are going out there grasping thin air hoping that you wil find support or replacement. Sad but that is the predicament that I am currently going through. It is scary but I still have to go through with it. Will I sense it before it happens? Or will it happen again and it will hurt all the same as if it has never happened before?

If you do not try and taste it, you will keep on wondering..

If you taste it, then you will risk everything that you have built so far...

It is worth the risk?

Or do you want to keep wondering for the rest of your life?

As you pause and try to decide which path to take, deep inside you know it will somehow lead you back to where you began.

Turn of events..hmm

It is 10 am in the morning and can you actually believe it that I havent slept a wink since last night. I'm not sure because of the medication for this flu that I am taking or becuz I'm high. Yup we had another go with my hunky surfer dude. Guess what, he turns out to be quite deep and intense!! Damn. Damn. I was wishing that he'd be a himbo(male bimbo). Maybe because he was tired, or maybe becuz he took his time to warm up that our first conversation went so badly. Last nite, well this morning actually since we started around 1 am and ended around 2 plus hehehe..was absolutely fabulous!!!

I felt as if he changed, less tense and more talkative. He even shares a few intimate details..hehehe. The nicest thing was that when he said I cant believe I am telling you this, it is as if I have known you all my life. Gosh I was beaming from ear to ear. Thank God its not on MMS. I had fun, we were laughing and flirting outrageously. Shy but outrageous all the same. Now this is getting dangerous. All I want is to put Mr Dublin out of my mind and not find another cause for a heartbreak sheeeshh... My heart is still healing from the last time and here I am going for another heartbreak journey.

I have no idea why I keep doing this. Plus, I sense that this guy can do worse damage. Maybe because he is a nice guy, maybe because he is intense and I suspects that underneath all that smouldering, brooding personality, he is very passionate. Now there goes my warning bells very LOUDLY in my brain. BAD. BAD.

For the time being it is for the fun of it. Partner is coming back today, so I can sort of drift away from my smoldering hunky surfer dude hehehe..Still at the back of my mind I wonder what this will lead to. The last time I wanna have fun I ended up with my my heart splattered all over the sidewalk in thousand minuscule pieces. Until today I am still picking up some of the pieces and trying to put it all together again.

Intense, deep, brooding, unpredictable and horribly, outrageously sinfully SEXY what LETHAL combination. Lethal..absolutely lethal...

Me & My Hunky Surfer Dude

He does not look this good. But then he comes very close to this guy. After months of emailing and playing it cool, he finally asked and I finally gave. A prepaid number purchased a few days before.

Trying to appear cool and non challant about the whole thing, we just textd each other for a week. Then, when I think I have had it and I absolutely have to hear the voice of the face and body, we talked.

He offered to call but didnt (insufficient credit..i wonder hmm..??) Anyway, since patiently waiting is certainly not one of my virtue I called. Nevertheless, good timing is not my friend too. Due to suddenly the week is pretty bz and the partner is coming back soon, time is limited. No more games, so when I called and he was going for a movie, I decided to wait but slept throughout. So the next night, which was this morning, he textd me askin me to call him in the wee hours of the morning. So finally we managed to chat. Me and the hunk at 4 bloody am. It was not hard to catch his attention since husky sexy voice of mine was going on so well. (for gods sake I just woke up).

The conversation and commentaries

1. He sounds like a BOY!!!He sounded so young. I know he is younger, but for god's sake not THAT young. Just a few months difference.Plus younger men are in anyway.Just look at Demi and Ashton!

2. He is not that crazy, quite grounded but most of all he didnt get my JOKES!! He was a bit blur. How I miss my Mr Dublin. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

3. Lastly and most painfully, we had absolutely no chemistry. Although I can sense the mystery appeals to him. ( I'm impressed, you're different..hmm..??) He has absolutely no idea. But then, he asked the are you married or somethin. Sheeshh...and i froze. Changed the subject and moved on.

Sadly although he scored full marks on looks, he totally failed in the personality category. Still that was just one phone call, here's hoping for more. At least it was sort of exciting, somebody new and clandestine (cuz of the time). Wished he was a bit naughty. We were both in bed at 4 am and no sex was involved! This guy must be gay! He was talkative and quite curious. Still he failed to put my mind off Mr Dublin. Still miss him a lot. Found out he roams via Vodafone. Sheesh..I'm pathetic I know.

No more 4 am phone calls. Me having quite a bad flu due to late night and lack of sleep two nights in a row and I'm down.

OVER and OUT.

addicted to love

" Now I can look at my romantic addiction and understand it for what it was. It was a fantasy of how I thought love ought to be. I was so desperate to be loved that I would become whatever the man wanted me to be and lose myself"

Taken from an excerpt of a book I am currently reading. I wonder if I am addicted to love. I think I am addicted to attention but then I am certainly not an attention seeker. I prefer to work behind the scenes. SO I havent found myself and I am certainly confused. Are you supposed to find urself when you are in your early twenties? late thirties? very late in age? When? Am I too late or am I too slow?

I had another fight with my other half. Every time we fight, I long to be held by my Dublin love. Is it the romance that is lacking which is why I long for another or is it becuz it is part of my nature. My inability to love and really love? Sometimes I feel that i have loved and I'm spent and tired because of the intensity of the emotions. Yet why do I keep on doing all these which threatens to destroy all that I have build up and sacrificed for..?? What is wrong with me? Why must love be so painful?

I believe that we cannot choose whom we love but we can choose who we want to marry. And not necessarily we marry the one that we love. Many will object but then that is what I truly believe. But then as time goes you will learn to love the one that you marry. But its a different kind of love. The love you had for your past love, the one who you let go or the one who got away is a different kind of love. Do you really know the person at all? Or is it because of the passions shared and deep longings involved that you are blinded by his faults. In whatever way, in your eyes, that love is perfect, complete and will always be untarnished by the harsh reality and turbulence of a real relationship.

p/s: Yesterday the Prime Minister's wife passed away. Never met her in real life but I am deeply saddened by her passing. I am currently making a living out of her passions and hard work, songket and batik. If its not for her, our batik and songket industry will not prosper as it is today. After the downfall who would have thought batik would ever recover again.It is aloss to the country. For a change, this lady not only supports her husband she contributes as much and will always be remembered in kind and love. My deepest condolence for the First family. I am also touched that Mdme President Gloria Macapagal, of Philippines took the time to attend the funeral. Hearfelt thank you on behalf of my fellow Malaysians.

I am angry...

In the moment of anger, you spit out all the things you have been feeling pent up inside you.

In the moment of anger you feel that you just do not care what happened as long as you get the message across.

In the moment of anger you feel like smashing everything that comes your way.

In the moment of anger you do not care about whatever that person is feeling.. you just want it to hurt as much.

In the moment of anger whatever love you feel towards the person seems to melt away.

Anger is a terrible thing. But then when you have the time to reflect then you realised how you actually feel about everything. Deep inside.. what the turmoil and confusion is all about.

How to stay in a relationship when you do not feel love anymore?
How to go on forever if you dont think you feel the same way anymore?

How to stay together if all you feel towards the person is only anger. You lose sense of respect. Then you feel totally helpless. You are trapped in this hell which you started yourself in the first place. Then you starts to hate your life and everything around you. Your misery sucks every sunshine and rainbows around you. You are like a walking black hole..

How to convince that this will work out..?

How long can one convince that all of these is just a phase and one day it will go away??

How can one ever be happy again..?

I'm back..!!!

Actually I've been back for a few days. Just in no mood to write. Been gone for a whole month. Wedding was chaotic but fun. Working with family members you've known your whole life well..only NOW you can say you really know them. Sheesh..just realised what a bunch of pretentious brats my cousins can be. But then I love em anyway. Life is weird I guess..

Although there were times I was so stressed out that I totally broke down. The thing is..it was not even MY WEDDING!!! That was how chaotic things were. In short to describe how last minute things were, the dressing table arrived one day before the actual wedding took place!

All and all, it was amazing, maybe with God's grace everything went quite well. There were glitches here and there but then it was kinda fun.

In the middle of the chaos, HE called. Its totally amazing my Mr Big. of all the times. I thought, well he went off to Dublin thats it. End of story. Time to close the chapter. I'm in KL for a month and it'll be easier to forget now that I am here and not at home. But Hey, the voice message went something like this..Hi Mie, Its me calling from Dublin. Hi. Hows things. Im trying to settle down here. I'm sorry to say I misplaced your email add, can you mail me at ...

I thought the moment he stepped on Heathrow, he'd totally forget my first name. I'd never thought he'd took the trouble to call. So sweet. See, there I go. It is so easy to make me forget aint it. Actually hearing his voice when one was stressed out and feeling quite low at that time kinda helps. I listened to the voice message over and over again just to cheer meself up. I am such a dope I know. I'm a dope and I'm PROUD OF IT!! I DONT CARE..this is my bloody blog and I can be a dope if I want to. Wow! now that I write..its kinda hard to stop.There, enuff rambling for today.