I've been pretty bz for these past few days. Lotsa stuff has happens. My Dr No is back. He is still giving me the cold shoulder. What the heck but then I like his messages..cute and funny. I have this really bad feeling that he has mixed feelings about me. Well..who can blame him..

I think its about time I change my business, maybe I should go into these wedding stuff. I think I'd be much better at it. I dunno. I'm still so not sure what is it that I really wanna do. I got a job offer. Still, I have no idea whether I want to accept it.

I still missed Mr Fly. I got rid of a lots of stuuff in house in order to erase unwanted memories..NOT WORKIN. Eternal shunshine of the Spotless mind...hmm

The Keys to My heart

How ironic is this analysis..go figure.. though I had already entered for today..here's another I jUST haD to put it on..more for myself..a stark reminder of fiction and reality.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

My Star Wars Horrorscope...hehehe

I found this on the net..heheh interesting and really cool..hehehe..though people out there who dont really know me...dont believe all that you read k..

Its a few more days till the LAST Star WArs...and all my loved ones are gonna be watching it with me..yahoo!!! Cant Wait!!!

Star Wars Horoscope for Aquarius

You can be cruel and torment people who disagree with you. Deep down, there is a peace-loving, friendly side to you. You have a knack for inflicting pain on people and use your intellect during battle. Star wars character you are most like: Darth Vader

What is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Dark clouds in the sky...

Today somehow the weather is echoing my feelings and my mood. I'm so down..and I'm down with fever once again. I dont know why but lately I get sick really easily.
Got a party to go tonite but with my current condition I think I have to let it pass though the idea of Meditreannean food is so hard to let go..

Soleil is also down, which makes today a lonelier day. Ironically we found out together that the man of our dreams recently got married to a really lovely girl in a similarly lovely wedding ceremony...since school days he was THE guy..cuteness with brains sheesh..now some girl got him. If she was like drop dead ugly or dropdead gorgeous it wont hurt so much but she is soooooo sweet and seems so nice that we just cant hate her. Plus she is one of those beauty with brains and she is just..well..so nice and sweet. Just right for him...So it was not surprising that both of us came down with a really bad fever after we found out. Bot of us are so down today that you have to dig deep to get us out of this rut. Plus my Dr No is still away..bosan...I sort of miss him. In a friendly kinda way. He can be quite boring and irritating but he is nice, well.. he's nice to me.

I went to a piano recital the other day which was absolutely enchanting. What a lovely evening we had. The pianist was Polish and dedicated the recital to his dead son. He even paused and shed a few tears in memory of his dead son. His son, a medical student who died at the age of 24. How tragic. It was touching and lovely. He ended the recital with a melodious French piece, something on Nightingale. (Yes..I was invited to the recital and was totally ignorant of the pianist's works..an embaressment yup it is..) When he was playing it all we can see was nightingale flying and singing all around us. It was absolutely beautiful. I felt as if time stopped and the world was at peace for once. An enchanting evening indeed.

My evening..

I want to live a life without regrets. That is my wish. I do admire all those people who have done so. i know you actually can do it. I remembered this guy who actually wrote a book about it. One of the things he did was to call back this lady who was in highschool with him and asked her out about 30 years later! well..at least..he tried :-))

Today went to watch the Indonesian movie, Tentang Dia. All girls outing. Needless to say at a time such as today, the movie was a wrong choice. Its sooooo depressing.!!! Still, I like the way its done, a bit slow but the cinamatography was quite good. Well compared to local movies, let us not even go there. Other than PGL and Sepet I dont even bother. Im also not really into Indon movie..cuz I cant understand the language, thank god for subtitles.

Anyway, about Tentang Dia, the story is mostly about relationships. Relationships between a girl wth another girl, a girl with her peers, a girl and a boy. I like the way it was potrayed. It is all about relationships just at different angles. How a girl is happier being with another girl instead of being with a boy who was willing to go to great lengths to make her happy. How deep a girlfriend can hurt you and how a man can break you.. I like it. It is full of those little things between the lines. Given a chance to give an analysis of a scene from the movie, I think I'd have a great time writing about it even if its just a ten minutes scene.

My morning..

I slept at Soleil's place today. Came back via cab. Scary ride you see. The driver had long talons and was leering through the rear mirror. Images of rape murdered bodies came to mind. Sheesh..too much imagination. I was relieved to finally got home. He kept saying 'manisnya..' and it was not flattering at all, as the matter a fact it was dead scary.

I still remembered the last time an old Chinese driver refused to let my hand go as I gave him the fare. That was scary too.Whats with me and cab drivers. Kept having these types of experiences with them. Whats with old Chinese drivers..they always like me..in a scary sort of way. Why cant those cute Chinese boys I see at the LRT notice me the same way..hehehe..that I wont mind at all.

My Dr No is away again. He is always away. I am honestly using him as a distraction tool. To distract me from the inevitable. Well, so that I wont think about those who do not deserve to be remembered in a nice way. As in Peterpan's lyrics..
No matter what , you are never wrong
Despite what you did
I still think so highly of you.
Sentiasa meninggikan mu

It is so true as in the French saying, when a woman falls in love, the heart fills up and the head empties. Hmm..maybe I should ask my Dr No whether this is scientifically applicable. Based on a recent research this is somewhat true. How sad..how very sad..

My questions.. are finally answered

My guts was telling me that whatever that I felt..has happened. another double entry for today. He is seeing someone else. he has moved on. I should too.

Why do I feel like my heart is crushed all over again. Damn. Why is it that I still feel it. My heart is still aching. Why do I still feel all this. I know for sure I can handle this. Actually one thing I realized is that you never know how much you really love a person until you lost him. Then you just know. You just realized that gosh I am capable, I am capable of really loving a person.

He called..

Its been a while since I last logged in. Connection was cut off for a few days and I nearly suffocated. A lot has happened. These past few days has resulted in a chain of events that has somehow enlightened me in a way.

I wondered and I felt it, however I never expected the ghost from my past to actually come back to haunt me again. He called.

However, some things never changed. He called and yet he said all the wrong things again. Though this time I'm stronger. I guess it is good that he called. Now more than before I know I did the right thing. It would never worked out. He will never change. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much I want him back i know that the reality is very different from what I like it to be.

I'm at peace now. Though at times I do miss him. I miss his kisses and his touch. The intimacy that we shared were so intense and passionate and so hard to forget. I know if given the chance to turn back time, I would not change what I had done. I'd still be me. No doubt the chemistry was stronger compared to others, that was why it lasted that long...

Ironically our song is suddenly being played right at this moment..She will be loved by Maroon 5. I do believe that I will be loved and that I wll love again..someday..

Double entry

Today I have got issues. Issues I just feel like writing it down. Someone told me that Im incapable of real love. Of loving whole heartedly. Today I stand in time, and im thinking the depth and the truth of this statement. Coming from someone very close to me she might be right. there might be some truth to it..yet how does she knows the matters of the heart, of mine in particular when I , myself am not so sure.

Im here with him because he is the logical partner and not because of love??Is it? Am I that cold that Im incapable of expressing true love? I dont thinks so.

But then, I have this thing abt being forthright abt how you feel. To express love somehow..I feel is a sign of weakness.If a person knows that you are in love, that person can really hurt you. I feel that he knows your weakness. Faling in love is a huge risk... a huge risk to your heart, mind and soul.

A few years back, I lost my dad. coming from a close and big family, everyone grieved in their own way. Me, I decided that I put on this thinking that he is not really gone, he is here with us. His memory will live on. The pictures, the jokes, his teachings and guidance will always be with us. He will forever be a part of it. I refused to accept that he is really gone. I resent the mourning and grieveing and I always feel uncomfortable when people around me starts to cry and emotionally express their grief or something like that. I totally erased the date and time of death and still have a hard time remembering the date till today. I think it took me years to say that and realised that he is really gone and he is just not coming back.Yet no matter how long it has been, it is still hard.

My family thinks im cold and insensitive. Yet I do cry when Im alone and I weep for a loss which left such an impact on my heart. But I still feel that if I tell or even show how much I care for a person, that person can leave and hurt me..Im bare and open to his will and it is as if Im giving him this power to really hurt me. So before He does, usually I just took off. Yet, in current circumstances, I just cant. Im stuck here. Ihave to face this and work it out.