How come it still hurts..

There is one certain fact about Mr Dublin. If he is made available and the circumstances is different I dont think I want to be with him. I dont even think we will end up happy. But then why does it hurt so bad...?? Now that it is not meant to be and he is happy elsewhere, why am I unhappy?

Is it the fact that he is forbidden or the fact that he is so different from the norm, that he will raise eyebrows? Is it just me, to want more attention to myself..? Or the fact that we shared a tender moment together and for a while there he made me feel that all my problems do not really matter. In those few brief moments together he gave me a feeling that I havent felt for so long. He made me feel as if I am needed. He made me feel alive again. To feel alive, passionate and enraptured in those moments when my head was ina mess and my life was coming apart he was like a breath of fresh air to a suffocating person.

It was not lust. It was not infatuation. It was real love. I feel it inside. I know it was for real. that is why it was not meant to be. Isnt it more romantic this way?

One day our path might crossed and he will be there with his happy bride and I will look from afar. I will be happy for him. I will try.

I love him. I know I will never experience intense love and passion as I have felt in those years when we had those clandestine meetings, and I never want to. For this pain in my heart and soul is way too much for me to bear. It is so much that I cannot even shed a tear. I feel if I start to cry..I might never stop.

Theme songss..More theme songs..

Emancipation of MIMI
Dont Forget About Us

(Don't forget about us) Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
My baby, boy...
Just let it dieWith no goodbyes
Details don't matter We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes
It'd be like that baby (yeah)

Now everytime I see you I pretend I'm fine When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

Oh they say That you're in a new relationship
But we both know Nothing comes close to What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it How big we used to did it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it
So don't forget about Late nights, playin' in the dark And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want it So don't forget about us I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us

And if she's got your head all messed up now That's the trickery
She'll wanna have like you know how this lovin' used to be
I bet she can't do it like me
She'll never be MC Baby don't you, don't you forget about us

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and I can see it in your eyes
You still want i
tSo don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us
Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my armsBoy,
you'll always be in my heart andI can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever So don't forget about us.

Here By Me
by 3 Doors Down

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me 'Cause I'm not doing so good without you The things I thought you'd never know about me Were the things I guess you always understood So how could I have been so blind for all these years I guess I only see the truth through all this fear of living without you And everything I have in this world And all that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me I can’t take another day without you 'Cause, baby, I could never make it on my own I've been waiting so long just to hold you And to be back in your arms where I belong I'm sorry I can't always find the words to say But everything I've ever known gets swept away Inside of your love And everything I have in this world All that I'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me As the days roll on I see Time is standing still for me When you’re not here I’m sorry I can’t always find the words to say Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away Inside of your love x2 And everything I have in this world And all that i'll ever be It could all fall down around me Just as long as I have you right here by me

Yup..as I have expected...

My last posting was last year. The modem broke down again. Damn. So here is my first post for this year. Hell what a way to break into a new year. Uneventful birthday. Loneliest birthday I had in years.. Happy belated birthday to me.

Took me a total one month to actually get the chance and the spirit to post this. He called on 5th February 2006. There I was with everyone around me, cheering as Jacky Victor came on stage to sing Gemilang for the Juara Lagu. We were rooting for Mr Mawi of course. I dont think I can ever listen to Jacky the same way again. I didnt recognise the number as usual. Then his voice came and my other half was staring as usual, wondering who the hell was calling you at this time when most of the nation would be glued to the screen. Well, its a no surprise since he is in Dublin so he wouldnt have been watching. I pretended to not hear and slipped into a room nearby and closed the door behind me. I sensed from his voice that it is something urgent. Something I definitely do not want to hear. He made small talk, watcha doin girl? bla bla bla. I was getting restless. Worried that other half gonna peak in and asked whats goin on.

Then yes he said it..

Girl, I am seeing someone.

Yup he said it.

I didnt know what to say. There was a brief silence. I could have sworn I can hear my heart breaking into smithereens at that very moment. I drew in deep breath and my voice shook as I tried my best to compose myself.

I had expected this. I knew one day you are gonna call and tell me this.

Inside my head I've played this conversation so many times yet when the actual thing happened, I felt as if I am in a dream and a cold rush came over me. He asked quietly,

You expected this?
Sure I expected this. Who is she?
She's an old friend which I met again. She might be the one I wanna marry. Wait for my wedding invitation. You will love her. Once Im back in Malaysia, I'll introduce her to you.

Damn. What the hell is he thinking? Some men can be so EVIL. I have to be cool about this.

Sure why not. That'll be great. I have to go now. We'll chat next time k.
Girl, My emails not gonna be as frequent as before and I'll be laying low for a while k.
Sure. I understand.

Yeah, as if his emails is that frequent anyway..and Yeah he'll be too busy fucking her that he will not have the time to write TO ME!! No. I am certainly not bitter. DO I sound bitter? Naah..figment of imagination. I am fine. I am doing just fine. That fine song from Boyz to Men and Since You've been Gone came to mind..hehe..my new theme song i guess.. I am fine.

I am such a mess. Then I went out and continue watching the show. My heart is a mess. I wanna cry out yet there I was trying my best to appear cheerful. I was shouting and laughing way too hard and didnt dare to make any eye contact with Soleil. She sensed it.

I cannot cry. I tried to later on but I just cant. I realised my life need to go on. I have this project on the line. I am now determine to do this. I know I can do this. I am messed up but I know I can do this. I have to get my life back. This project can make me forget. Does it matter anymore..?

I wanna do things and make it matter. This is a dark period in my life and I am gonna get through this. I know I will. That phone call was the ending and a starting point to a new beginning.