tonight..i'm broken

I do not know why but I only write when I am in this melancholic mood. Tonight of all the nights seems to be colder than usual. I feel lonelier than before. I have no idea how much longer I can endure my life. To be apart from the one you love. To be separated with the one you made a vow to. Till death do us part, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health..

I long for company. i hate to say this but I long for my butterfly. I wish I can just hear him say something, his voice. Just a call or a text which I can stare into endlessly.

I am broken inside. My head is messed up. I am not myself and I so need to get away. At certain times I think of butterfly and I am in total control. He does not effect me like before. I have sort of moved on. But sometimes like tonight I feel like rolling on the floor. I feel the ache so deep inside. Like a bottomless hole of nothingness. I have lost faith in myself. In my abilities. In my own potential. There are days you feel like you can conquer the world and then, there are days such as today.

When all you feel is...loss.

Lost.

Alone.

Empty.

All i want is to lie down in his arms. I really need it. Just to breathe the same air he breathes. Just to hear him breathing. I really need to hear it. Even if it is just for a while. Even if its only in my dream.

Deep dark and sombre

Today, I watched the movie No Country for Old Men and I read the forum of the movie. So many heavy issues. SO many problems. The world is so dark and there is a foreboding future ahead of you. What a depressing subject. But today am feeling extra down.Then found the quote below.

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

what sort of question is that?

It is a question that makes you stop and think. It is a question that makes you sigh. You do not know the answer. It just a question that makes you feel so lost. So pathetic. So lonely. Loneliness. It is a deep dark subject for me. It eats you up inside.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

How right is this one. It hits on you right on the spot. It is so true. I am now happy with my current partner. I have found my soulmate in him. He is my partner in life and death. We gave our promise to God to love and cherish each other for as long as we shall live.

But somehow, deep inside this heart..I still find it hard to forget another. My past. After all these while I am still writing about him. Why is it so hard to forget. Why is it the mere memories can still bring tears to my eyes and pain in this soul. Why is it so hard to just walk away. I have walked away from it all. I have moved away. I have done what I can. I just cannot erased the memories. What happened between us. Was it a mistake? Were we victims of circumstances? Or is it just me following my heart and not my head? I find myself asking the same question over and over again. Delve deeper and i am so not sure I want to know the actual answer.

I keep playing the scene. What if one day our path crosses? I seriously cannot imagine. Sometime I think I can just walk away as cool as a cucumber. At times, like today....I think I would just fall and die. I would be so broken and messed up and my emotions would just swallow me up.

I will never know for sure what would happen unless our path crosses I guess.