Today is your birthday...

I never thought it would be this bad. Always thought that I can handle it. Today it was so bad that I literally thought about slashing my wrist. Crazy.

Today I felt like dyin. Driving was a maze. The heat was crazy and the traffic was bad. But what was worse was the horrible pain in my heart.

I sent you "Men are like wine. Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. Which one r u? Have a fabulous birthday!!"

It was a chirpy and happy message but you didnt even reply. My heart keep breaking as I sat and waited. Not even a thank u. Nothin.

I shouldnt have been surprised. I should have expected it. Actually I had. But when it really happened, I felt like jumping off a building.

What was I thinking? What was I waiting for? A miracle to change your heart?

Today I found myself saying to myself, there is only 2 things I badly wanted and you come to a close second. Crazy. That is crazy talking.

Again. It is all me. It is all my own doing.

My moment of madness...

I am reading all my past postings again just to check the chronology of what happened in these past few weeks. It all started with a hunch. A pain at the pit of my tummy. A pain of loss. That "I miss you so badly I just wanna die feeling". It just came over and I opened this blog again to read. I was just reminiscing what happened and what I felt. Then I started writing down everything cuz suddenly I feel as if I can remember every little details. I wrote it down so I wont forget.

Then a few days later I saw you online. I have never seen you online before and it has been 5 years!! I wrote you that piece and you were happy that I replied. It seems that you have been trying to make contact. Then you gave me your number and I had to steel myself everytime I see you online cuz I was afraid that I would topple.When I saw that avatar with the beating heart I know that you have certainly moved on and it broke me. However, I tried my best to keep my chin up and hold it in until I called Eve and broke down. Later,my days were filled, and I was really busy and somehow I managed to keep myself Occupied.

Then you replied and sent cute messages through YM and I found myself smiling again. I thought that maybe this time would be different and maybe we can be just friends. So when everything calmed down I went looking for you. We had our first phone conversation and chatted and all along you just wanna know whether I'm still married. When I said that I am, you started to change. You made hurtful stinging remarks about wanting to meet up for sex and all that. "For sex y not? But not for romance after all you are still married." When I said " It didnt stop you before and you said "I was younger then" I sensed such bitterness when you said it. It was as if you really hated me. Then you were gone. Again. I am left in a mess.

Now everyday I wake up with a hole in my heart. Everyday I stare at the walls and wonder what I said wrong. I was still keeling from the shock that after all these years, you came back. I am just not ready to let you go but you are gone. They said you are being a gentleman because you are not taking advantage of my moment of weakness. They said it is because cold turkey is the only way to go. They said it is for the best. They said he is doing this because he is feeling used. That in whatever way he is at the losing end while I am always winning. They said he is doing this because he probably cares...

What have I done Is? I am broken without you. If I broke you too then I am sorry. I am sorry for making this madness a reality. I am sorry that we met. I am sorry for this moment of madness. I wish to have a room somewhere in the corner of your heart. That is all I wish for. I am sorry for eveything. I truly am.

I'm missing you again...

I miss the way you can turn me on just by undressing me with your eyes.I miss sitting on your lap. I miss the hot kisses in the car. I miss having your hands all over me. I miss the way you love to grab my butt. I miss hearing you whisper and breathing in my ear. I miss feeling your naked skin against mine. I miss having your mouth all over my body. I miss getting all hot and wet just by the flick of your fingers. I miss having your tongue lick me in places I don’t even know existed. I miss the way we move our hips together. I miss your mouth against my breasts, sucking me and making me lose my mind. I miss having you fill me up. I miss you moving inside of me. I miss you making me cum. I miss losing control with you. I’m not me when I’m with you. It’s like I’m not me.

I cant, I would and I should but I just couldn't...

I want to say that it was meaningless. That it was just at the heat of the moment. That my heart was not involved. That it was just infatuation. That I was pressured at the moment. That I was messed up and the circumstances drove me to do it.

But I do remember the time when I watched you while you sleep. I remember running my fingers lightly over your lips and your chest. Thinking of how beautiful you were in my eyes. I remember opening my eyes and saying I love you quietly in my heart. Knowing at that moment I was falling hard. Knowing and being fully aware that it is not the crazies talking but its my heart.

How can I do all that without falling. How can I let you kiss and touch me without developing any feelings whatsoever. How can I look into your eyes again and not let my feelings show. How can I see you with her and not have my heart break into little pieces. How can I not be with you and withhold this feeling of being ripped apart. How can I be with you and not love you. How can I...??

Why do you have to come back?

I need you to know that u cant just come and messed me up and go again.

I have picked up all the pieces and glued myself together. I dont need this now and I cant take it now. You make me think of my past which was so painful and broken that I wish it never happened in the first place.

You came, you conquered and you left.

I was a mess and I cant breathe when u left. But I got well. I moved on or so I thought. Until you came back again. Now my days and nights are filled with my memories of us together. You hoped so much that I left him. But u left me to die. I thought you will never come back so I moved on...or so I thought. I cannot deal with this. I cannot deal with the confusion and guilt. I am torn between doing the right thing and to follow my heart. I wanna see you. I wanna breathe you again. I hate you for coming back. I hate you for making me melt again. I hate you for making me shiver whenever I see a tall bald guy pass by.

Tonight went out with girls and passed a group of men at the table. One of them was bald and wearing a striped shirt. I froze and thank god I was sitting in the car already. If not I think I would just crumble on the floor. I felt a searing pain goes through my heart. What if its you? What if its you with another?

I cant deal with all these. I dont know how I get over it all, but now that Im going down the same road again I cannot imagine how I can last this journey through.

I cant let go....

do u still want me?
yeah
how bad..
mayb more wen we meet

Some things just dont change even after 5 years. Even through chat he can still make me breathless.. I had to sit down after that conversation and learn how to breathe again. Suddenly I feel short of breath and my sights become a blur. I need to hear him. I need to breathe him in again. Sometimes I feel like throwing caution in the wind and see him again.

I have always imagine how things would be if one day he pops back again. Things are great and suddenly he comes in and messed up my reception. I cant see straight. I cant even focus on anything and I feel absolutely crazy!! These days I'm walking in a daze. I keep on staring out and the world seems to spin around while I'm rooted in my past. I wanna let go and walk away. Everyday I wear my heart on my sleeve. The more I hear the song the sadder it all becomes. He is hoping that I am single again. He is hoping that after 5 years I am free enough to become his. He has no idea. No idea of the conflict and guilt that is raking my insides. He has absolutely no idea how hard it is for me to walk away. To let go of my past and to do the right thing. I have to do the right thing and just walk. I have to keep walking and not look back. I cannot be hung up with my past. Those times, us together was a mistake. No matter what or how I justify, it was all a big horrible MISTAKE. We were a mistake that should not have happen in the first place.

But knowing that after all these years, you still want me is enough for me. That is enough for me to go on living.

Its been one hell of a week...

I need u.

At the back of my head, memories flood through. I am wading against the waves. I have to reach the shore before I drown. Sometimes I get so tired and I wanna let it take me. That is when I reach for the phone just to hear your voice or get a glimpse of you.

Other days, I feel strong and swim furiously. I see the shore but as I get near it, it stretches further away.Those are the days when you post your Adam Lambert's song. Wattaya want From Me or when you post something on YM that breaks me bit by bit.

I cannot do this again. I cant focus on anything. I am having problems reconnecting to things around me. I feel like a robot going through the motions when actually I am breaking, screaming and struggling inside. I see you in everything and everywhere I go. I smell you in the air although you are miles away.

You have absolutely no idea how badly I want to just grab the keys and knock on your door. You have no idea how hard it is not to reply your messages or try not to call you back.

I am drowning again. Im gulping the water and my breath is shorter and I am suffocating. I wanna breathe again. And I wanna breathe it with you.