Tough day today...

I think i need a break. I really do.

Today is the day when one realized that one is just a mere mortal and the heart is a wild thing to control. hmm its a bit too much to handle in a day .

To have this feeling again, to feel for something which is not only out of reach but utterly forbidden. I'm not good at this. For a while, I just want to run off. Something I've been doing all the time. Thats my utmost problem actually not to be able to face it. To look at my problem in the eye and actually handling it. Its too soon. Me, being vunerable from the last time might have caused this.

The heart sometimes do things that you thought would never do. In my case, It looks as if it has a mind of its own. I know Im feeing something, I do not know what or how but I feel it.. I look into the eyes and I can see it.

My heart is not broken but its sad by the turn of events. Im sad. I wish we had met in another lifetime. in another world. As the song says, our union now, not only will hurt us but also everyone else around us. To be together, we can only be together in our dreams..yup I can so totally relate to it..

I'm still sick...

I'm still having my cough after 2 weeks..sheeshh.. That is why I always hate it if I get it. It gets so bad..and it takes its time to heal..there goes my sexy voice. Cant sing now, can only croak. Well..as if I've been singing anyway..heheh. Me, the mikefreak.

Had another huge argument wth doc razes. Really hate it. He can be so bloody judgemental. What is it with men who thinks they are so intelligent and is always right... So far experience have taught me that proffessionals sucks at emotional intelligence. They have no emotions actually...

My problems is nothin compared to the crisis that my family is in. That is why I hate talkin abt it. Sometimes I feel like i'm gonna burst. Today though,I did not break down..which is totally amazing..see i am getting stronger. All this will pass. Time will heal all the hurt and confusion. Sheessshh..easier said than done. But really I am made of better stuff..

Im not that strong afterall..

I've never felt this way before, its not in me to feel..well to throw in the towel, to stick out the white flag...before it even started...to lose hope.

But today..i do not even want to hope. I just want it to go away..I want him to go away. Theres sumthin there, its different this time. I feel it deep inside and it scares the hell out of me. I cant do it. I just cant do it again. I'm not strong enough for this.

Its so easy to misinterpret when you are vunerable. Its so easy to melt when people act as if they care. I bet he really doesnt. Why would he?

This is why I have to let go. I have to give him up and never talk or see him again..just in case. It'll be worse. Worse than the last time. Rebound thats all it is.

Im admitting that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. And you know what I just dont care. Soulmates..i believe in it..I believe that there are out there..you're just not suppose to be together...yet you are connected. No matter what you are binded..you'll never forget but you are not together, then they cant hurt you and they'll remain soulmates.

doesnt matter if it doesnt make sense..it make sense to me..

Look what I found

Its dated sometime in the year 2000.. I'm posting it here because I really love the movie and the coincidence is just too much. I like it, i like his thoughts and how his mind works...sigh.

A**** H****A***** (eluid@csv.warwick.ac.uk), a University Student in England, March 6, 2000,

Reworking The American Dream

We could perhaps argue that modern life, wherever it is situated, is seriously flawed. Flawed in the sense that our hopes and dreams are always sacrificed in the name of practicality. Thus our hopes and dreams always remain as they are - Mere hopes and dreams. October Sky is about not sacrificing those hopes and dreams in the name of reality and practicality and to aspire for something more. Hickam's journey, as difficult as it may seem, is a journey that we all make, albeit at our own pace and in our ways. His experience is first and foremost, human and his success is always coupled with failures. We have always been bombarded with the ideal of the American Dream, of its failings and limitations. October Sky reworks that dream and reminds us that all human dreams are inherently good, that in us lies the ability to become more than what we are. Hickam reminds us of this in his autobiography when he prevailed in making his hopes and dreams a reality, and to realise our greatest human potential - To learn and to achieve. As idealistic as the novel might seem, it is realistic in its presentation of the American Dream and the human experience. Hickam's sentimentality is not a flaw as some would perceive, he is merely retelling his story through his own eyes and heart. Finally, October Sky is about living and doing things. It is about learning and achieving, sometimes with the help of others, most of the time, alone. It is about the human capacity to change for the better. There's a bit of Hickam in all of us, and there's a bit of all of us in Hickam. Such is the power of the prose in October Sky, that we are all human, after all.

Hope and dreams are sacrificed in the name of practicality..well in my case I gave it all up for a new responsibility. I feel as though all my dreams were dashed by all the changes and this transition that I am going through. I might never find my way back. I feel stuck in a rut..I really do

That someone....

Sometimes in life, you have that little someone who can make you smile when you feel rock bottom. Who does it for you..?

Me my little niece, no matter how bad things are..she never fails to make me smile with her antics.

Today however, somebody else made me smile..hmm... These days its sort of hard to bring a smile to my face, lots of things on my mind. But he did. Hmm.. I do not know why but believe me its scary. Why should i be so happy, he is nothin but a friend.. an acquiantance actually not even a real friend.

I guess when one went through hell and is still picking up the pieces from happenings in the past, a little concern and kindness is just too much. Its vunerability, its longing..yep that's it. It must be that. Anyway, a smile is all I'm willing to give for now. Nothing else. I need to get myself together first. Need to write more. I feel a bit rusty. Havent been writing for so long. My brains feel slow and numb. Dan brown is so good for me..for he makes my brain go on a spin so fast i find it hard to catch up..i just finished angels and demon. I'm gonna find digital fotress and begin another journey of mind numbing mysteries. That's the thing with dan brown's book, its a mixture of fictions and reality and somehow..everything he says make complete sense. It does not sound like fiction at all and the ending..pheww..

Dan covers all his tracks, not a stone goes unturned. Fabulous, fabulous writer..he's my idol.

I am so scared of waking up one day, and finding myself unable to write or to discuss intellectual things..to be in that category that i despise most to be slow and not articulate.To be vunerable and open to sarcasm. Unable to come back with a clever retort..to have the final say. That is my fear. That and all these which are happening will somehow kill my confidence and my faith..

I pray that God will make me strong no matter what comes my way...

I am no longer bitter..

Yup..that was what I wrote. Hi, how are you. I just want to tell you that I am no longer bitter, just sad..

Now come to think of it, I sound so..like well such a loser..sheeeshh. I do so regret it. But then its way too late now.

I am currently in transition, having to handle all these changes in my life and having a ghost from the past hovering at the back of my mind constantly despite all my efforts to forget has not been easy. But as a matter of fact, I am no longer bitter. Do I miss him, of course I still do. Do I wish him dead..er nope..well I still want to break his leg but naaah.. I know myself, I'd never hurt him even if I had the chance to do so. I am this way..I wanna be a bitch badly, but I guess its just not in my nature...yet still that does not make me an angel.

Relationship..I'm so scared now. An old friend I met want to know more and offered his shoulder to cry on. But although on friendly terms, intimacy scares me now. The mere touch brings lots a memories I would rather forget. A mixture of pleasure and pain. Yep, it is confusing indeed..to quote Alicia Keys, how could someone who gave you so much pleasure cause you so much pain..

Some days, when I get so busy..I hardly think about it..some days..like today, he is all around me. Memories so fresh..I feel as if I can still smell him.

One thing too, after all these time..its still hurts. I still get lump in my throat on lonely days. Rainy days it get worse. Although I promised not to write about it, this is the only way, the best way actually for me to ease the pain..the longing and the loss that I feel. Today is one of the worse actually. Maybe it will get better from here..yup it surely will. I have to make it better

Sensitive Men..The New Breed.

What is it with sensitive men...? Today my issue is with sensitive men. Is it a new age kinda thang..? All I wanted was a friend to share and the next thing I know, he freaked out on me.

Sheesh.. I thought I am the one who needed comfort, why am I comforting him, my so-called friend. Amazingly for a 'academician and psychologist' he seems pretty blurred. Was I too harsh? Was it me? Is there something here that I failed to read and understand? Sometimes I think I am a bit frank and outspoken for most men. But that's the way I am, I have to let it all out or I think I'll just burst. I am not pretentious...and I hope will never be.

I thought he can help, with his background I thought he'd understand the situation. It takes a lot for a person to open up and when she does, she feels vunerable and is much in need of comfort. Is that so hard a for a man to understand? Certain things that women says she dont really mean it or maybe you just need to read between the line honey...

I mean there I was wallowing in self pity, and trying to make myself feel better at the same time and all he can respond is to state another case of another friend a 'pretty and cute friend' he has to add. When a woman is depressed and down all she can think about is ME! ME! ME! I mean I dont care if the world is coming to an end at that moment in time for heaven's sake I just want you to listen and not blab about other people's problem in another world. I mean is that so hard to see...

He said he wanted to help. WAnted. In other words now he is just not interested in helping. Why are you a shrink in the first place..Sheeshh...Maybe I should pay him...but then he'd say I'm insulting him..sheeesshh..Why me..?..Why me..?

Why?

I am doing my very best to transform. To start over, to begin on a clean new slate. So things have been okay but not fine. I am still not fine. My heart still aches at night but I know I'll get over it. I know i will. So much for new hair and new evrythin. Aint workin out that simple. Not as simple as i thought. .hmm

Just because my girlfriend called and told me she thinks she bumped into him. He who owed me my sanity as well as my heart. I am still in search of that heart of mine. It is a bit fragile and can be a bit dumb when it comes to cute guys but it is still mine and I WANT IT BACK!!!!

I can change my location, my hair, my accent even my way of life and my so called routine yet..I just cant change my heart..sheeshh.. and today I broke my promise by putting this in black and white..I should not. I am suppose to go on and what happened before was supposed to 'never even happened in this new blog.."

Only God knows how much this hurts..