Flirty On Air

Was listening to a show on the radio. Despite how corny it sounds, Flirty at Ten Thirty is quite interesting. Without actually realising it, you are actually holding your breath waiting for the answer. Wondering whether its gonna be a sweet one or its just gonna BOMB!! Flirty at Ten thirty is actually a radio show for those who are too shy to ask their lust object out. Last night's show was the worst, when they guy told the gal who asked him out that he's not INTERESTED. Not only he told her off directly he told her and the world (on air) that he was just flirting with her all these while because his buddy asked him to test her out. What an asshole!!!Well, later the station was bombarded by calls defending the girl and lashing out at the jerk. Serve him right.


I'm down with a bad cough. Maybe it is something in the cough mixture. Feeling a bit down the weather but still up for a day out with the cousins. Going out later and just hope I wont piss in my pants when I cough away.

I'm moving from the house. The house which holds so many memories. I never thought it would be this hard but yes it is hard. It is so difficult to just walk away. It is a lot of baggage to throw out. So painful to let go. To not look back and change my mind.

tonight..i'm broken

I do not know why but I only write when I am in this melancholic mood. Tonight of all the nights seems to be colder than usual. I feel lonelier than before. I have no idea how much longer I can endure my life. To be apart from the one you love. To be separated with the one you made a vow to. Till death do us part, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health..

I long for company. i hate to say this but I long for my butterfly. I wish I can just hear him say something, his voice. Just a call or a text which I can stare into endlessly.

I am broken inside. My head is messed up. I am not myself and I so need to get away. At certain times I think of butterfly and I am in total control. He does not effect me like before. I have sort of moved on. But sometimes like tonight I feel like rolling on the floor. I feel the ache so deep inside. Like a bottomless hole of nothingness. I have lost faith in myself. In my abilities. In my own potential. There are days you feel like you can conquer the world and then, there are days such as today.

When all you feel is...loss.

Lost.

Alone.

Empty.

All i want is to lie down in his arms. I really need it. Just to breathe the same air he breathes. Just to hear him breathing. I really need to hear it. Even if it is just for a while. Even if its only in my dream.

Deep dark and sombre

Today, I watched the movie No Country for Old Men and I read the forum of the movie. So many heavy issues. SO many problems. The world is so dark and there is a foreboding future ahead of you. What a depressing subject. But today am feeling extra down.Then found the quote below.

What do you do when the only one that can make you stop crying, is the person who made you cry?

what sort of question is that?

It is a question that makes you stop and think. It is a question that makes you sigh. You do not know the answer. It just a question that makes you feel so lost. So pathetic. So lonely. Loneliness. It is a deep dark subject for me. It eats you up inside.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

How right is this one. It hits on you right on the spot. It is so true. I am now happy with my current partner. I have found my soulmate in him. He is my partner in life and death. We gave our promise to God to love and cherish each other for as long as we shall live.

But somehow, deep inside this heart..I still find it hard to forget another. My past. After all these while I am still writing about him. Why is it so hard to forget. Why is it the mere memories can still bring tears to my eyes and pain in this soul. Why is it so hard to just walk away. I have walked away from it all. I have moved away. I have done what I can. I just cannot erased the memories. What happened between us. Was it a mistake? Were we victims of circumstances? Or is it just me following my heart and not my head? I find myself asking the same question over and over again. Delve deeper and i am so not sure I want to know the actual answer.

I keep playing the scene. What if one day our path crosses? I seriously cannot imagine. Sometime I think I can just walk away as cool as a cucumber. At times, like today....I think I would just fall and die. I would be so broken and messed up and my emotions would just swallow me up.

I will never know for sure what would happen unless our path crosses I guess.

Funny emails

Gosh, he sent this ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS email. Well it sorts of like minutes of meeting but hilarious all the same. It is bad when I can stare at his name for quite a while but too nervous to say anything. It is bad..

Actually its been a while since I can intellectually relate to a guy. That is what you get when you kept messing up with little boys and not REAL MEN. But then, the men that came our way are definitely not available. Especially if he happens to have really nice hair and mesmerizing eyes.

Then, there is the pressure of trying to be more witty than one is capable of. All this is done to impress the person one is having a crush on. It is not amusing at all. It is tiring and after a while, it gets to you. You feel like really dumb. Dumb as Bridget Jones dumb. Plus, you are SO not yourself. You try so hard to be this attractive, mature and confident woman. It is all an act when you actually feel like a blundering idiot. But it is bad when you see him online and suddenly you become all restless and damn if you can wipe that awful smirk off your face.

The guy is obsess with Star Wars and theres innuendos in the emails that reflects on how a chauvanistic asshole he can be. But then who the bloody cares. All that matter right now is to stop grinning like a bimbo and to try stop having goose bumps just thinking of him. Gosh, I SO feel like im sixteen again and going strong.

Its my birthday!!!!

Yahoo!!!

Today is my birthday!!!! Hehee..so much for celebration. I'm here on my own. My other half will be stationed in the city soon. Soon, i'll be back to my old routine.Playing with fire is thrilling but soon it fizzles out. Life is back to normal = boring.

I'm still doing my content writing. Plus, we are really getting acquainted quite well. He likes my jokes.Hmmm...never thought I can be funny though. But then,one can never take life so seriously.

I got birthday wishes from my siblings and cousins. But I waited one from Soleil which I know will never come. It is such a sad ending to a great friendship. But I know it is for the best. The relationship was waaaaaay too weird. It ate us up. It was consuming and I felt suffocated. Although, in the beginning I was really down, now it is some sort of a relief not to have the burden. I can never make her happy enough. Whatever I do is never good enough. How much longer must I go on that way?

Friendship is about giving and also receiving. Somewhere along the line we lost our sincerity. I miss the good times we had but I certainly do not miss the abuse in the name of friendship which I had to endure.

Am i going down the same road again?

Am i doing it all over again? It is the thrill that I can't shake it off. Its making me feel a bit light headed. Like I just down a bottle of scotch. It was something. There was something in the air making both of us quite er..nervous.

I am afterall a mature woman. Not exactly old not that young either. Im at my peak. Plus, I do not think I look so bad being in my early 30s. My experience with the opposite isnt exactly limited. Ive had my share of guys. But its been awhile, with MEN. Real men. Sad to say, only little boys come my way. They may be delicious to taste but not much substance there.

This time, this round, he sounds like a MAN. Actually,he sounds really hot. Plus, me not mistaking the flirty part of the so called 'business conversation'. It was about business. It was all business mind you. But then,...is it my imagination or was he trying to lengthen the conversation. Told him he could just mailed me the link but he waited for it to load. The content that I needed I mean. And while it loads, we had small talk. Flirty giggles and all. Im guilty of it absolutely. I tried to make it sound like a sexy throaty laugh of a 30 year old but it ended up sounding like a 15 year old giggle. Shucks!!

I tried my best to sound all business like though..but GOSH I cant seem to wipe this smile off my face. Im wearing this Cheshire grin all over my face and I cant help myself. THATS why I have to blog. Just to get it all out of my chest. He sounds SO sO macho! SUCH A MANLY VOICE!!!

I so hope he ends up looking like a dog. But then, the info I got hmmm... Well, its at least something exciting thing that I can look up to.

What an interesting day it has been. Wonder what tomorrow holds....

Its been a while...

New year, new haircut..ehmmm..new resolutions??? Fraid not..hehehe...same old same old...

Nway, I am currently doing some content writing for this website by this big oil & gas company. Gosh..it is such a PAIN! Doing the same thing all over and over again is absolutely torturous!!!

But then, the best part is the middle guy..hehehe.. Here I am sounding like a 15 year old again. I've got loads to do but here I am BLOGGING. I only blog when I have something up my chest and when it feels like its about to blow, I just have to write it down. I can't help it.

He SOUNDS cute. But best of all, he writes VERY WELL. I'm a sucker for those with a flair for words. Nice name too. I do not know why, being stuck here. Doing work from home is not what it cracked out to be. I have absolutely no social life!!! Even a slight attention from a stranger I have never met makes it ssssoo exciting. I am pathetic, I know. Which explains why this site is supposedly anonymous except to those who know me so well that they READ BEYOND mere words..hehehe..:-))

A little bird told me he's CUTE and VERY MARRIED!!! SO what, we'll never meet but he'll be some sort of fantasy that can be something I can look forward too in my daily BLAND life.