I bid you adieu..

How apt that today of all the day, I found an entry, a final entry in my diary which I started when I was in my teens. It was how we first met. I'm putting it in this blog so that it wont be lost. There was no date. Just an entry in pencil.

" You were my mistake. Yet I cannot put you out of my mind. We met in the middle of a crowded flea market. I was going through the trinkets and I felt someone looking at me. I looked up and our eyes met and I thought, he's cute. That is one stall I will stop by.

I walked on and there you were having conversation with well..my other half. Trying not to be obvious and not to arouse any suspicion, I walked on. My heart was thumping wildly and I just cant figure out why. The fact that I was being really naughty. It was all supposed to be playful and harmless. It was a hot day but I was feeling super giddy with cold sweats on my forehead. I had no idea that the day would forever change me.


I went back in a circle until I came back to your stall and there was my other half puffing his cigar away. I tried my best to avoid your eyes but the moment you said hi and the conversation turned to you, our eyes were like stuck to each other. I can feel him looking and observing us. I can feel how inappropriate it was. But never in my life I felt like glued and I just cant take my eyes away. I knew I was grinning like an idiot and for that brief moment, it is as if the sounds just died away and there was just us. Up till today I still cant remember what exactly you were saying. It was as if you were speaking some foreign language. Nothing seems to matters and it was just us. 
Something just clicked that day.


I wanted to take your business cards which were laid on the table but thought otherwise. U were constantly at the back of my mind that a few days later I went through his cards and found yours. The name was a bit classical so I thought to myself if it turns out to be the boss, I'd just hang up.


He picked up. I tried to jog his memory by saying I was  at the flea market thinking that he'll never remember me. For God's sake it was a weekend flea market and it was a big crowd. So it was a big surprise when he said, I remember you. You came with a guy and you were cute.


Cute!! Haah! It was a sweaty and hot day and I think my brooch was stuck to my left cheek! This guy sure has problem with his eyesight. we chatted and he sounded young and chirpy. Laidback, hip hop and a bit reckless. Then he said, hey I dont want to cause any trouble. We can be friends but its risky.


Well, since when has the word risky stopped me from doing anything dumb.


The next thing I know, he picked me up in the wee hours of the morning and I realised for the first time that he is absolutely BALD! He wore a cap that day and I did not realise that he is actually bald, but completely HOT. He took me to Ampang, near my uncle's place for a drink and I was thinking gosh if I'm spotted, I'm so dead.

Later,when he dropped me home, I invited him in. God knows what I was thinking!! Dunno what why, my head was a bit messed up and he is a complete stranger and I invited him in! He came in and said, Nice dig you have here. It was awkward and we were both uncomfortable. And there was my wedding pic staring at both of us. Stark reminder of my reality. Plus things did not help that I was mumbling under my breathe , " I cant believe I actually invited you in". He fidgeted for a while and asked to leave. He gave me a wink at the door and all I could think of was Damn he's SUPER HOT! 


Later he texted me, "U have no idea how badly I wanted to stay." That text left me breathless. 

On our third meeting, he surprised me with THE kiss.  That was only the beginning. It was the hottest, intense and damning kiss ever. I went home and gulped the apple juice in the fridge from the box wishing that it was something stronger. The rest I cant put in black and white cuz it is too damning. I regret it with all my heart.


But I'm not 17 anymore. Yet, he made me feel like one. Like he said, we have no future. I would date you If I had known you earlier. Dont you regret saying yes so early?


I do wonder, but I'm not that naive anymore. In my reality, it had no future even from the very beginning. It was waay off course. Although the sparks nd chemistry was absolutely unforgettable. But it is over now. My heart still bleeds but I'm stronger now. I know it was never meant to be."


That person who wrote that was stronger than the person writing this today. 5 years later, I'm still bleeding. And today I sent him this text.

Deareast Jeez, u were my biggest mistake.  But how can I regret the stolen kisses in the car or that hot rainy night at the house. I wanna play along and pretend that I dont care and I can do this again. It might have meant nothing to you but not to me. I thought I can make luv to you one last time and say that it is just sex but I'm just not built to fuck without feelings. I miss those kisses and I always will. Be good cuz you were a great guy then. You were always gentle with me. You will always have a special place in my heart. Take care.
 

How ironic that 5 years later, I started both lines with the same sentence.

I love u. I always will.